Evk and I like the PC Game Master of Magic a lot. It's like Sid Meier's Civilization, except you're a magician, and you can summon monsters and cast spells and shit. s'fun. Plus, one of the wizards you can play as is a reference to Lo Pan from John Carpenter's classic "Big Trouble in Little China."
So, there was supposed to be a sequel, but Simtex Software died (which I'll get into again.) And it was announced Stardock was going to make a sequel to be released 2009. But that was dismissed as hooey. There were also rumors that Quicksilver was doing the sequel, which I thank god were untrue. To be honest, considering the fate of Master of Orion 3, I'm kind of glad this game never got a sequel.
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Number Fourteen: The Immense Hipster Spiral of Hate surrounding everything having to do with Garden State
Let's round this one up. Conventional Hipster Wisdom:
Zach Braff: Must die.
This movie: Shit.
Most of the soundtrack, songs written by Ben Gibbard, Ben Gibbard in general: Overrated, utter shit. Toss in the dreaded "sellout" word in there for good measure.
Christ, it's far, far from my favorite movie (another hipster classic, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind), but I really don't understand the massive vortex of "It's cool to to hate this" that comes out of this movie. I guess the recent canonization of Iron and Wine as music's saviors means that hipsters don't hate EVERYTHING from this movie, but you have to admit that they are performing a song by Ben Gibbard.
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Number Thirteen: MST3K still exists, sort of
One of the few Positive "WTF"s on my list. Unless they suck. I haven't actually watched one yet. It's in my Netflix queue!
Okay, MST3K is over, done with. There are no less than 4 spinoffs of the show, all doing pretty much the same thing, former cast members of the show knocking bad movies. You'd think they'd just all combine their efforts into one series and put it on Direct-to-DVD or something under the MST3K name, which I imagine has more recognition. I guess that makes too much sense. But anyway, there are:
This isn't really a "funny" entry, it's just nice to know.
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Number Twelve: Real World/Road Rules Challenge
Why the fuck do they still make this show? What the hell is wrong with this country?
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Number Eleven: Touhou Games
Also one of the 15 things from Japan I could do without. We all love Gradius, Darius, R-Type, right? Hell, I fucking love Ikaruga, but Touhou takes it a little too far, as far as I'm concerned. How about curtain-fire where you CAN'T absorb half the bullets? And with really sickly supposedly cute anime characters who fly around? Jesus, do not sign me up! Honestly, instead of badass spaceships blowing shit up, let's have girls in miko costumes and school sailor outfits flinging tarot cards in a futile struggle against the opressive shower of glowing spheres that will surely kill you if you don't memorize the pattern via playing the game 30 times and surely masturbating to the (supposedly) cute girls at some point. There's a reason this shit is Doujin (independently produced) Soft.
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Number Ten: Enterprise Actually Getting Good
Here's one that really blew me out of the water. Let's recap why I disliked this show to begin with: "Trip" got FUCKING PREGNANT IN EPISODE 2, which I cannot state enough, because it turned me off of the show after I was mildly impressed by the series premiere. Let's revisit this. The male secondary lead, and by the last season, one of three characters that actually mattered to the series, got MPREG in the SECOND EPISODE OF THE SERIES. I was done. My breaking point had been reached, and I went off somewhere to perform Lionheart or some other devastating finishing move I do when I've had enough. And then the fourth season rolled around, and I was impressed. The show got good, they actually tried to make it connect with other Star Trek series in a good way (not in the BAD WAY in which there was a fucking Borg episode and Ferengi episode). I was happy. And then the series finale came and destroyed me again. Fuck you too, Star Trek.
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Number Nine: That R-Type Strategy Game With Hexagons that's Coming Out
Speaking of genre busters, here's something I don't think I ever thought I'd see. R-Type Final is probably most most favorite exercise in tedium in human history. Play 90 minutes with a shitty ship to unlock a slightly better ship so that you actually have a better chance at beating that level you only get one shot at? (NO CONTINUES, NO ITEMS, NO FRIENDS, NO FUN, FINAL DESTINATION) As opposed to the Touhou games I just mentioned, sign me up! Combining my intense love of spaceships which are not cute girls whose sole purpose is to destroy everything on the screen that moves with my love of strategy role-playing (with motherfucking hexes!), iRem seems absolutely poised to capture the vital "Sofa" demographic. Provided it doesn't turn out to suck shit. Jesus, I hope there's job classes.
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Number Eight: Kefka is the deepest villain ever in the history of civilization?
Source: Every motherfucker on a video games message board on the internet.
Okay, let me see if I have this one straight. Final Fantasy, a series not exactly known for fabulously fleshed-out villains as it is, supposedly has created a gem of a villain in Kefka, the Insane Clown Posse Beavis of videogamery. This is standard opinon of all denizens of the internet. To be honest, I can think of few villains I have less interest in than Kefka. The game is probably my fourth-favorite Final Fantasy, but jeez. Go to any video game messageboard and you'll have 3,000 individuals prepared to chew your fucking throat out and accuse you of wanting to have sex with Sephiroth should you question this. Christ, I think Sephiroth is boring as shit, but he at least has a backstory and sort of a motive. Daring to question that Kefka is the greatest character in the history of human culture is telltale that one is a graphics-obsessed gaming NOOB. Get me out of here, please. I am in no way defending Sephiroth as a fabulous villain, but he's the one example always cited by studious internet research specialists.
'Ere we go!
Backstory:
Sephiroth - Yeah
Kefka - Tormented Terra in a flashback. Likes fire, tormenting.
Personality:
Sephiroth - Not much other than a possible Oedipus complex. One-half-dimensional.
Kefka - One-dimensional. Likes fire, killing.
ACTUALLY FUCKING APPEARING IN THE SECOND HALF OF THE GAME UNTIL YOU FIGHT HIM:
Sephiroth - Once or twice, and in a flashback.
Kefka - Nope!
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Number Seven: Master of Orion 3
I can't think of a bigger gap in quality between two games in a series. Sure, the Mega Man series got progressively worse over time, but I cannot for the life of me think of one series that took as sharp a downturn as the Master of Orion series did from 2 to 3. Evk: "From steak to shit sandwich."
Partially because I have to this day yet to see a turn-based galactic strategy game as good as Master of Orion 2, and my expectations for 3 were quite high. But, mostly because developer Simtex and publisher Microprose no longer existed (the greatest losses in entertainment history, and do not attempt to argue this with me.) So, the franchise changes hands to Quicksilver entertainment, who manage to water the series down to one of the biggest (yet slightly lesser-known) jokes in PC Gaming history. I like to imagine that as famous as Duke Nukem Forever is for never being released, Master of Orion 3 is famous for being the most disappointing piece of software that never should have been released. Wikipedia teaches me that Quicksilver hasn't released a game since 2006, yet is still in business. Perhaps planning to fuck up my beloved X-Com series.
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Number Six: No US Release for Terranigma
Hah, remember when Nintendo had a Seal of Quality? With crap like this being barfed out for the Wii at high rates of speed, it's hard to remember a time when there supposedly were games that weren't good enough to be on a Nintendo system. Which makes the story of Terranigma never seeing a US release all the more puzzling.
We've all heard of ActRaiser. Quintet could hardly make a bad game in the early-to-mid 90's, with even the weakest of their 'metaphysical and philisophical' games, Illusion of Gaia still being a great amount of fun to play. So Actraiser, Soulblazer, and Illusion of Gaia all leave a good impression for being near-classics of action/rpg/adventure gaming. And Terranigma is released. And localized in Europe. And translated into English. It probably would have cost 200 dollars and a week or less to get somebody to remove all the 'u's in 'colour.' But, this game never gets released in the United States. All I can say is thank god for emulation.
I try and not get too political on Weekly Visitor, but this one is just too glaring of a "WTF" for me to ignore. By the way, this entire entry is a "very serious, thoughtful, argument that has never been made in such detail or with such care."
For those not in the know, LiberalFascism (much more serious review there) is internet pundit Jonah Goldberg's pentultimate frustration with the term "fascist" being thrown around much too easily in political discourse (a legitimate concern). Tired of the way the American political right is constantly being tarred with the all-purpose insult of being "fascist", this book is ultimately Jonah Goldberg's plea for sanity in the way in which we speak with each other. Hah, just kidding, it's a giant fucking "I know you are but what am I?" Did you know that, in fact, the American political right is not fascist?! (gasp goes here) In fact, it's the American political Left that is fascist?! (bigger gasp). I'll leave the serious takedown of this to the professionals, but suffice to say this book has to be one of the biggest wtf's of the decade for me, especially its brief stint as a #1 bestseller.
Offering gems of quotes (this one real), "The White Male is the Jew of Liberal Fascism," and chock full of the kinds of tenuous history we've all heard before (not an actual quote): "Nazis were called National Socialists, and Dummycrat HELLth Care is socialism! See the connection!?" To the downright lazy(again, not an actual quote): "Hitler was a vegetarian, and a lot of lefties are vegetarians! The connection is obvious!" The proclamation of Whole Foods as a pseudo-fascist enterpise particularly astounds me, as obviously it's part of a state-worshipping plan to get people to be healthy by offering them a choice of grocery stores. And "Trader Joe's"? More like TRAITOR Joe's! BURN~~~! Most glaring is Goldberg's painting of anyone offering negative criticism of his book as an "anti-intellectual." A symptom of fascism itself! This only further proves his point! (another gasp)
Honestly, the funniest thing for me about this book is the painting of Wisconsin Senator Joseph McCarthy as a "liberal fascist." Yes, the same Senator McCarthy that demonized artists, playwrights, actors, teachers, and labor unions. The same Joseph McCarthy that Ann Coulter has lionized as an American Political Right deity on more than one occasion. I'll just let that sink in for a while.
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Number Four: Contemporary Protest Music that Doesn't Suck
Orkz is made 4 rokkin.
Be forewarned: If I receive mail about this one, and if you refer me to American Idiot as protest music that doesn't suck, you are automatically disqualified. You might was well start mixing Linkin Park songs with Naruto clips and post them on YouTube for as much street cred as you have in my eyes at this point.
I've long wondered why, in our troubled times, genres other than Shitty Punk seem unwilling to take it upon themselves to actually record a song about why shit sucks. One can easily turn to the corporate payola culture of radio and television to explain away the unpopularity (un-willingness by the radio/television station to play it) of contemporary protest music. However, the problem lies deeper than that, in that even though most of the contemporary protest music is non-mainstream, it still manages to suck or just not mean anything. I cite Bright Eyes apparently getting tired of playing "When the President Talks to God" approximately the second time it was played. And honestly, Pink's sheer cowardice in refusing to release "Dear Mr. President" as a single in the United States just doesn't seem to have quite the cultural impact of a song like "Ohio," now does it?
So, if we can't rely on shitty punk compilations, easily bored hipsters, and translucent pop tartlets to provide a competent voice of opposition to the troubles that plague our world, who can we turn to? The people we should have turned to all along. The motherfuckinghippies. Honestly, I really disliked At War With the Mystics for nearly two years until I realized the back (and best) half of the album is either well put together protest music or a really nice tribute to (not-so-self-indulgent-that-they-became-a-joke-era) Yes.
Likewise, The Polyphonic Spree's The Fragile Army shows an incredible amount of maturity for a band I had previously written off as a sun cult and I gave up on after a song imploring that the trees want to "grow grow grow." (A song I now like, but still.) The title track is incredibly subversive, especially if the lyrics about "leaving (him/them) on the floor" mean what I think they do. The closing number "The Championship" (linked above) is one of the best songs about never giving up the fight for peace that I've heard not on a classic rock station. Plus, both bands aren't afraid to say 'fuck' a lot, an attribute Weekly Visitor should respect. I don't think there's a song with a crescendo at the end that The Polyphonic Spree can't perform well. Fuck, they've got over 20 dudes, if nothing, they should do the crescendos well.
Keep on truckin.
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Number Three: God Hand
First thoughts: The same company that made this made Okami?!
Second thoughts: I have no second thoughts about my ownership of this game.
Third thoughts: From the Wikipedia article: "Possessing amazing strength and a huge appetite, Elvis likes to chase the ladies when he's not kicking butt. Despite being a demon, he has acquired some nasty human habits. He's brutally honest and something of a potty mouth. Appears in "human" form as a fat, yet heavily muscled Mexican man in a poor fitting white vest and pants, with a giant set of purple Buddhist prayer beads around his neck. Is relentlessly and constantly chewing on an enormous cigar. His demon form is giant and purple/red, with a chomping face on his belly, mouths for hands that shoot fire, and a retractable head that's pounded into his body when Gene preforms the 'Pummel' action command on him."
It's kind of terrible, but kind of awesome at the same time. I love this game.
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Number Two: Sid Meier and Will Wright team up to make.... SIMGOLF
Okay, see if you can figure this one out. Will Wright nearly invents the Simulation game genre in 1989 with Sim City, which goes on to spawn multitudes of sequels, and along with Peter Molyneux's Populus would pretty much invent god-type strategy games. Plus, without the genre of "Simulation," the internet would probably be lacking 10% of its weight, that 10% being entirely composed of JAPAN IS WEIRD articles about Dating Simulations and the Panty Vending Machine Evk already mentioned.
Then you have Sid Meier, creator of the ubiquitous Sid Meier's Civilization series, which itself went on to redefine the turn-based strategy god-game by introducing aspect such as research trees. Sid Meier also happens to have created quite possibly my favorite game in the (non stellar-empire based) genre, Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri, which is absolutely great fun to quote. (Organic Superlube? Great stuff, great stuff.)
So what happens when you put these two giants of creative, innovative simulation gaming together on the same project? Motherfucking golf, bitches. That's what.
To be honest, I have no idea if the two of them had anything to do with this project other than titular requirements, but I can imagine how this meeting might have gone down, if it actually happened.
Sid Meier: So, we're here to design a game. The two of us, pioneers in the field of strategy gaming, coming together for the first time. Surely when we put our heads together we can come up with a product that can change the way people think about entertainment and possibly even the world itself.
Will Wright: Yes, I cannot help but agree.
Sid Meier: ...
Will Wright: ...
Sid Meier: So, got any ideas?
Will Wright: No. Do you feel like a round of 18 holes?
Wright was refering to prostitution. However, Meier misunderstood, and they went golfing. And after what I assume is probably 12 Tom Collinses each at the clubhouse, both decided they had nothing and made a fucking golf course simulation game. The Lemonade Stand Tycoon concept already having been taken. How in the ever living fuck did this happen? What would have happened if Peter Molyneux had been in the picture? Would we have received something like Sid Meier's Black and White SimNintendogs? Maybe we can just consider ourselves lucky we were only cursed with SimGolf.
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Number One: SNOWBUDDIES
Okay, it's a crossover between the Air Bud franchise and Cuba Gooding Jr.'s star vehicle, Snow Dogs. And it's probably the worst movie ever. Except I watched it with a lot of friends and it wasn't so bad hating it as a group. Plus, this has to be the worst special effect I've seen in a long time, but also the best:
Whose bright idea was it to watch this, anyway? I'll gloss over the part about how some dogs actually got sick and died during the filming of this movie.
