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Number Fifteen: While showering
I dont know if youve ever fallen down in the shower before, but if youre anything like me, you manage to pull it off at least three times a day despite only showering twice a month. Anyway, it hurts like a bitch and I think you can get a pretty serious concussion. I guess Ive been pretty lucky on the whole so far.
Anyway, youll notice that when people get punched in the testicles, they have a corresponding tendency to collapse to the floor, writhing in agony and often crying like a child. Thats then multiplied by the incredible danger of falling over in your shower.
Also, there shouldnt really be anyone else in the shower with you to begin with. Thats just irresponsible.
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Number Fourteen: Playing in the ball pit
Nobody expects to be low blowed in the ball pit.
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Number Thirteen: While preparing, but not yet ready, for being low blowed
If Houdini has taught us anything, its that directly before youre ready for being assaulted, youre most vulnerable for being assaulted. This one is fatal, guys. While having other peoples testicles brutalized is some seriously great schadenfreude, it has to be done in an outstandingly hilarious way to negate the fact that it will kill the guy. Like, you would have use one of those boxing glove guns or possibly throw him off a building onto a flagpole or something. Suffice to say, it would need to be spectacular.
Also, it would have to be done to Hitler.
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Number Twelve: Highschool hallway
This one also happened to me. I had one of those rubber bouncy balls, and I was at school late for some reason. Probably detention. And I had the ball, which I think I stole from someone I was bullying, and I lobbed it down the empty hallway as hard as I could, and I swear to God, however long it took to reach the far side, it took a fraction of the time to zoom directly backwards and pelt me hard in the groin.
I remember it only hit one nard, though. So I guess I caught a break.
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Number Eleven: Low blow convention
Who decided to make the images for each thing so Goddamn big, anyway? Im going to make mine smaller, convention be damned, because this is frigginEridiculous. The images are bigger than the text, and Im sure its already trying enough to have to read this shit.
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Number Ten: While you yourself are performing a low blow
Because its ironic. Also, its like that Death of Superman thing, which I thought was awesome, partly because it was awesome, and partly because its fucking Superman and hes boring as shit. See, Superman and Generic Grey Monster each hit one another with the exact same move at the same time, and Mary-Jane Watson was standing by and I think she screamed OH MY GOD SUPERMAN LOL NO!Ewhile she was taking a picture for The Royal Columbian, which is where Superman worked while he was in his human form, Dr. Miles Hawkins. Then he came back dressed in black and he teleported around and shot lightning bolts or something, and bullets passed right through him. That really pissed off some friend of mine, because then he couldnt jump in front of people and stop bullets, because theyd pass right through him and still kill the person. This is exactly how he explained it to me, with that special earnestness that youd use to explain why letting Mexicans mow your lawn is the biggest cultural threat civilization has faced since people women were allowed to vote to someone thats not batshit insane.
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Number Nine: While not showering
Really, being low blowed sucks under any circumstances, so this is the catch-all entry. Try to avoid being hit in your special place at any time.
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Number Eight: While pouring yourself a glass of orange juice
Another drawback of being suddenly and violently assaulted in the crotch is that you literally drop everything, which means that anything you were trying to pour, like orange juice, which isnt cheap or anything, crashes and goes everywhere. And dont bet on the guy that hit you cleaning any of that shit up, either.
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Number Seven: During a visit to the doctors
Not only is this one of the worst times to be hit in the scrotum, its also just grossly unprofessional. I mean, I would have thought this would stand to reason. You dont hit men in the penis under normal circumstances. Its sort of taboo. But its that much worse when theyre worried that the lump they felt under their armpit when they were absently groping around their bodies in the middle of the night because they couldnt get to sleep might be cancer, instead of obviously just being a zit, quit wasting my time. Its just that you shouldnt kick a man when hes down. Especially not in the nuts.
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Number Six: During either crazy calliope music or yakety sax
Actually, this is the best. If anyone has, like, a DVD of people being hit in the balls intercut together set to this music and just goes on for like five hours straight, I would totally be your best friend if you hooked a brother up.
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Number Five: While writing a WV-15 of lies about hockey jerseys
You should just shut the hell up, Al Creed, because you dont even know. Vancouvers 80s jersey was the best thing ever besides their 90s jersey and the one that was half-way between the 80s and 90s jersey where it had the plate of spaghetti but it was also dirty hospital yellow and made it look like you had the colour way too high up on your TV.
Plus, Calgary is from Canada as well, so you dont even know what youre talking about or anything. Shut up.
Also, fucking Bruins the Bear at nine? Below the Predators and Fishstickers? Dont get me wrong, I hate Nashville completely and the Islanders have it pretty hard, but this is the fucking Boston Bruins. They have the fourth best jersey ever (the Canucks have sucked since the fucking whale logo-Messier bullshit) and they replaced it with a fucking cartoon bear that looks like he has a self-esteem problem.
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Number Four: While trying to kill Hitler in Bionic Commando
On top of everything else, being hit in the balls is Goddamn distracting. I mean, seriously. It pretty much evaporates whatever else you were thinking of, even if it was thinking about people being hit in the balls. And thats something I think about all the time.
On top of that, Hitler is the Goddamn hardest shit ever. Im pretty sure I did it on like my third try when I played this game in grade two or whatever, but ever since then its pretty much been harder than reaching behind your back diagonally and clasping your hands together. Which is to say, its not impossible, but its Goddamn hard and becomes harder the lazier you are. And I seem to grow lazier and lazier with every birthday. I dont think I even bothered blowing out the candles last time.
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Number Three: Shortly after youve been told your dad recently passed away because he told someone to low blow him, but as he was preparing, but not yet ready, for it, the guy just went ahead and did it
Talk about rain on your wedding day. Unfortunately, I can speak from experience on this one. No, my dads not dead, but I totally had a dream one day where my dad and his friend Sven were getting drunk off bananas, and then my mom showed up and told them she was going to walk the alligator, and the alligator and my mom floated upwards. Then my dads friend, Alex, told my dad that he was going to roshambo him, and my dad said he wasnt, and Jason said he was, and my dad said he wasnt, and he said he was, and so on. Eventually, my dad slid off the couch while in a fetal position and told the giraffe to go stand by the giant, marble statue of Bo Jackson.
I forget how the dream ended, but when I woke up, I was in a cold sweat in the Queens Park petting zoo with my pants on backwards and there was an old lady yelling that I was a pedophile.
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Number Two: On a playground merry-go-round
Once again, Im speaking from experience on this one.
You know those playground merry-go-rounds that are just a centre column with a bunch of handlebars coming out of it, and youre supposed to run around outside of it, spinning it up to speed and then jump on and sit on it, inevitably being let down by how slow you apparently run? Well, that shits boring. So, my idea was to stand on the middle column while a friend ran the thing up to speed so that Id spin around even faster, then try and jump between the handle bars while it was spinning. None of my friends thought that was a very good idea and wouldnt help me. So, never being one to listen to others, I took it upon myself to spin the thing up to speed, then jump on, scramble up to the middle column, then jump.
So I did that. Holy fuck did it hurt. It didnt actually kick in at first. I think the pain receptors in brain were flabberghasted that Id actually went through with such a clearly stupid idea and just didnt bother dealing with the paperwork to send extreme levels of pain to the part of my body where the legs meet for a minute or so, and the deductive part of my mind was given ample opportunity to go over what had just happened step by step and finally conclude that I did not, in fact, stick my landing. In fact, I was even given enough time to think that, hey, this hurts way less than I would have expected it to. But shortly thereafter, the numbing, debilitating feeling of having jumped directly onto a steel rod with no give whatsoever washed over me the way blood from an open wound spreads through a paper towel.
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Number One: Within earshot of Bob Saget
If there are two shitty tastes that taste like shit together, its being hit in the testicles and having shit ruined by Bob Saget pretend to be a dog in a tone of voice you hadnt heard since kindergarden. I hope he hates his life and drinks heavily. I hope the 100 hit him in the family jewels one day, and I can go check it out on YouTube later, because lmao @ me watching that garbage. Also, he gets ball cancer. But not the kind that makes you good at bicycling.
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