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Number Fifteen: Eat an ice cream cone, or other soft frozen food item, very quickly!
My older brother, Kelvin Kelly, was the black sheep of the family, but I like black sheep. He was the coolest guy I knew; seriously, his body temperature was always lower than normal. Anyway, Kelvin used to do everything faster than I did. He'd read faster, pee faster, and eat his ice cream faster. And he's always yell, "I win! I win!" once he'd finish. Just one time I'd like to be able to say, "NO, Kelvin! I win!"
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Number Fourteen: Take the third and fourth wheels off of my bicycle!!
Mom always called me her special baby girl. I kept telling her I was a boy, but she wouldn't listen. "Even Jesus makes tiny mistakes," she would argue back. One time she and dad got into a big fight because he came home from work and she had dressed me up in girls clothes. He kept calling me "Nancy," even though I kept yelling, "My name is Kevin!" Of course, my stupid brother would yell, "His name is Kevin" faster than I could say anything. Mom blamed it all on dad's worthless seed, but my dad wasn't a farmer, so I don't know what she was talking about. Aaaanyway, the third and fourth wheels make my bike wobble, so I'm gonna take them off even if it means I might fall and get my dress caught in the chain.
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Number Thirteen: Wear two different socksc at the same time!!!
Man, Jeff Hardy is so cool and nothing he wears matches. Even his testicles are two different sizes! Can you picture me, Kevin Kelly, just like Jeff Hardy? We'd be best buds, I'm certain. But not the current Kevin Kelly. No, I'd have to take it to the next level. Can you just picture Michael Cole's face if I showed up wearing one black sock and one navy blue? He'd be so jealous. Or, one white sock with red stripes, and the other a white sock with magenta stripes? Oh, man it would be so awesome.
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Number Twelve: Rip the tag off of my mattress!!!!
I'm pretty sure I saw Hulk Hogan do this in one of his movies. Maybe Rocky III? Or maybe it was 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain? I can't say for sure. Anyway, there was this once scene, a very powerful and poignant scene, where Hulk rips the tag off his mattress and it was very symbolic and metaphoric of freeing one's self from the shackles of oppression. I didn't land on a mattress with a tag; a mattress with a tag landed on me!
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Number Eleven: Sing in the shower!!!!!
Once, backstage, I heard the most beautiful voice ever. I thought I was the only one left at the venue. I followed the sound, around corners, through corridors, over rivers, and even through woods. I found myself in the showers, but there was so much steam I couldn't see who the mystery singer was. "Reveal yourself, songster!" I said. I heard the sound of the water being shut off. I waited for the water vapor to dissipate. Imagine my surprise when it did, and before me stoodc X-Pac!!!
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Number Ten: Talk to a woman I'm not related to!!!!!!
Women are so soft and pretty. I want to brush their hair. One time Sable almost said something to me. Turned out she was just talking to the wall I was standing in front of. She was kind of weird, but I'd still like to feel her lovely lady lumps.
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Number Nine: Read a chapter book!!!!!!!
Not many people know this, but I didn't know how to read until one Mr. Bob Backlund took it upon himself to give a poor kid a break. It wasn't easy work, but after a couple of years, I was able to read books that didn't have chapters in them. I felt a sense of power that I'd never felt before. I begged Mr. Backlund to teach me the ways of chapters, but he said I wasn't ready. I was angry, and I said I would learn by myself. As I stormed out, I heard him warn me against flying too close to the sun on wings of papyrus, whatever the hell that means.
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Number Eight: Drink an actual Mountain Dew, and not a knock-off!!!!!!!!
One time The Rock saw me drinking a can of Citrus Precipitation at lunch, and he asked me why I wasn't drinking Mountain Dew. I didn't have an answer. I guess I just assumed that I didn't have what it took to do "The Dew." Rocky took another drink of "The Dew" and he just looked so cool doing it. What, with his muscles, and his eyebrow, and his manicured hands. If that's what drinking "The Dew" can do, then sign me up! Risks be damned, I'll take a whole bottle! A whole bottle of "The Dew."
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Number Seven: Ride on an elevator!!!!!!!!!
I read this one article in a magazine one time and it said that you could go really high in an elevator, but it was pretty dangerous, but still really fun. If you time it just right and jump, I think you'll actually be able to fly. I don't remember; I fell asleep before I finished the whole article and somebody stole the magazine from me. Molly Holly made me promise that I would wear a helmet if I ever went on an elevator ride.
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Number Six: 06. Compile a list!!!!!!!!!!
Once, when Mr. McMahon let me stay up late, I watched The Rock on the David Letterman program. The Mr. Letterman had something he called a "Top 10" list, and it was so funny. I'm pretty sure it's the best invention ever. It makes so many people laugh, and it could probably bring the world (wrestling federation) together in harmony. My only regret is that I was unable to make my list and share it with Chris Benoit before that unfortunate day: the day that he yelled at the janitor for not putting up a sign warning of wet floors.
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Number Five: Eat a hot dog in a bun!!!!!!!!!!!
Right now I'm only allowed to eat hot dogs if somebody cuts them up into tiny pieces so I don't choke. Usually J.R. does it, and he's always angry when he does. He mumbles things in whatever language they speak in Oklahoma. He won't even give me any of his BBQ sauce to dip my hot dog pieces in! If I could eat a hot dog in a bun, then I wouldn't have to listen to J.R.'s crazy pretend language, and I could put relish on my hot dog! Relish! It's like tiny, chopped-up pickles, but better!
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Number Four: Watch the Lifetime Channel!!!!!!!!!!!!
I remember hearing somebody say that one of the female wrestlers was a Lifetime Channel movie waiting to happen. I've never known a lady movie star before, and wouldn't it be cool if one of our Divaz was a movie star? I try to be supportive of all of my wrestler friends, so of course I would want to watch their big movie debut and laugh when I'm supposed and cry when I should. I hope somebody puts me in a movie someday. Then I could be as cool as The Rock.
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Number Three: Heat a Pop Tarts in a toaster!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pat Patterson says that I'm not allowed to use the toaster after what happened with the eggo, but it wasn't my fault! Michael Cole changed the setting after I put my delicious frozen waffle in. Jerk. If I ever have my way, it'll be just like the commercials and the Pop Tarts will fly out of the toaster into my hand as I rush out the door to do some other exxxtreme stuff.
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Number Two: Step on a crack!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Step on a crack and you'll break Michael Cole's momma's back." I'm pretty sure that's how the saying goes, and if it isn't, I'll step on that crack so many times that there will be no choice but to break her back.
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Number One: Rape a womanc on a snowboard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not sure if I'll actually get this far on my list, but depending on how well #10 goes, I might just skip right to this one. Unless I can find a way to use the toaster. Then there's no need to go any further. I sure would like to eat a Pop Tarts right now. And drink "The Dew."
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