Sofa K. Amazing Sofa's Number Fifteen Pick: Christian Mortis: Oh yeah. We're starting things off awesomely this year. Mortis wasn't awesome just for his skeleton outfit, but his crazy skull jester scepter! It was a great accessory. Was he the grim reaper? Some kind of morbid court jester? An insidious combination of both? Chris Kanyon is sometimes called 'the innovator of offense', but it's very clear that he is indeed the innovator of gimmicks. Over the course of 5 years, he dressed up like La Parka, hung out with Raven, hit people over the head with champagne bottles, and wore a DDP wig. Then he was the Alliance MVP, and then lispy. What a life. What a country. Christian: Christian sometimes dresses badly, but he made my list of propas simply for those "C" pants. Those are classy, and stylish.

Boobermonkeys Boobermonkeys' Number Fifteen Pick: Nothin' Hi. I'm actually doing something other than one line in Jon's thingy. I'm not sure I have the energy for this. Daddy needs a cream soda. Asscream soda. Maybe a diet. Not writing makes me doughy. Dough Basham. So yeah, I kinda blew it on the voting. The concept of picking 15 guys and giving them points shouldn't be that hard, yet I somehow limited myself to 10. Since everybody else is writing stuff for the collective and personal picks, I'll make shit up and pretend I picked somebody at #15. I'm gonna flaunt my huge ego and pick The Bashams. Dude, we got coats now. And during run-ins, it's time to bust out some swank movie henchmen gear. Pretty sweet deal there. It's been a bounty year for us. The quicker-fucker upper. After all the weeks jerking the meat curtain on Velocity, the Basham fashion sense reigned supreme and they (we) have moved on to... jerking the curtain on Velocty. But it wasn't just a quick trip to Goodwill to get our special coats... most certainly not. There was much male whoring to be done. TNM had to do unmentionable things to earn his coat money. Columbus things. We got a sweet deal from this Mr. Alan dude, though- the coats were $25, or 2 for Fitty! You can't beat a deal like that. Still, we only had 40 dollars before remembering a lesson taught to us by our dearly departed mother ShaNikua- "Come on!" And so we did. We also remembered her dying instructions that all Bashams everywhere must remain hairless, so we shaved each others personal areas and sold the pubes to Paul London. And now he made his own cool coat. Then he spit in our face. A winner is us. *Basham point* S.O.D.A. Secretaries of Diet Asscream. So yeah, Mortis. I think this was mostly, if not all, my baby. Just to refresh your memory bank, less it be filled with monkeys, here... ...is my boy in all his goth hunkiness. I've told this story a billion times, but Al Isaacs, former joke of a writer who ran Scoops in the late 90s, was a close fried of DDP, and thus, had access to Kanyon. He reported that Mortis looked ten times scarier than the Undertaker and had an amazing finisher. The move turned out to be a second rope samoan drop that eventually became the Downward Spiral, and obviously, the look was Neon Skeletor. When he had an AOL account (confirmed by someone allegedly to be legit) he did a chat and I asked him about the staff, which he named Yorick, because Kanyon is adorable. He also called the ECW Barely Legal ppv "Barely Watchable" and made 10 smarks hate him. Yorick was most famous to me as being held up by Mortis in a hilarious manner while Gene Okerlund interviewed he and James Vandenberg. The entire outfit, of course, is beautiful. It contained around 20 skulls, which is like 500% of your daily recommended value of skulls. Who bettah?

Correspondent W(?!?) Correspondent-W's Number Fifteen Pick: C-Dubs was unable to vote. Remember when you were like, six, and you were so proud of your Hallow'een costume that you wanted to wear it all the time? Well, I've no idea who Mortis is, but he seems to be living the dream. Sure, we've all wanted to wear the skull-motif rubber armour all year-round, but unless you're the guy doing motion-capture for the next Mortal Kombat game, people usually start frowning at you come Guy Fawkes day. Dang. I just did more browsing, and it turns out that Mortis was indeed part of the WCW's ill-fated attempt to cash in on the Mortal Kombat craze. There goes that reference. You know why the whole Mortal Kombat-styling thing failed? Not enough palette swaps. People didn't play Mortal Kombat for the digitized graphics, the blood, or even the fatalities. They played it because the only thing more awesome than one ninja is a slew of colour-coded ninjas. Especially if they have convoluted histories and are robots sometimes. You know why the Mortal Kombat movies were so popular? Audiences appreciate a character's name being yelled as they cartwheel on-screen. Anyway, Mortis. I like to imagine that he came out to the ring wielding one of those see-through plastic knives with the red liquid inside that vaguely approximates blood when you turn it upside-down. Maybe he could carry a foam scythe, too. Heck, it's my imagination, so I'll have him raid the entire Wal-Mart Hallow'een aisle. He's now wearing reflector stickers and a flashing orange pumpkin pin. Imagination rules. CUT BIGGER EYE-HOLES, MORTIS! Whatever the case, Mortis truely proves that in order to place fifteenth in a Weekly Visitor best-dressed contest, you need to have an outfit made by the same company that made the skeleton in the hit Jodie Foster movie, Nell. Way to go, AFX Studios, inc!

Jon Jon's Number Fifteen Pick: Gronda Mortis - Wasn't this Kanyon in some Skeletor suit? Purple Skeletor suit? I guess any Kanyon is fucking awesome, and a Skeletor suit is probably better than a Boy George suit. I think the Smackdown taping I went to in August of 2003 featured Mortis vs. Ultimo Dragon, in what must be considered a battle of swank capes. Hey, I completely forgot to vote for Ultimo Dragon, not to mention Dragon Kid and Ultimo Dragoncito. I hate how writing these things up always remind me of how fucking stupid I am. Gronda - Painted fucking abs. Gronda's devil outfit is pretty cool, but it got bonus points from me because the man's had 5 FUCKING HEART ATTACKS IN THE RING!!! Antonio Pena apparently met some roided out cokehead in a gay bar, and decided that he should be headlining AAA shows IMMEDIATELY. I love how stories about AAA always sound like your making them up out of thin air, no matter how true they are. And since Gronda blew out his knee in his debut match, he's had to incorporate the knee brace into his costume, which isn't easy when you're a demon. So, yeah, now you know that all you need to do for me to consider you one of the best dressed wrestlers is to have heart attacks in the ring and pain on your abs.

Super Asia Super Asia's Number Fifteen Pick: Villano IV (not V, IV, dammit) Now I've never seen "Masters of the Universe," but Mortis' mask is basically what I'd think Skeletor looked like. Beyond that, he had wierd bits of lime green to his getup, if I remember right, which apparently makes him a zombie alien or something. Maybe Glacier interrupted him once while Mortis was trying to eat alien brains, and that's why he was apparently Glacier's arch-nemesis. Mortis also had a fine accessory in the form of James Vandenberg. Why WCW never piped in a "Vanden-berg, Vanden-berg" chant is beyond me. Actually, he was pretty nondescript as a manager, hence his not showing up anywhere. His "collection of strange oddities" was actually the costumes, he just hired Kanyon to model them. Also, unrelated to his clothing, he had music that made Chris Cruise or some other WCW C-show dink say "I've never been so afraid in my life." My personal pick was Villano IV. Not V, IV. They dressed similarly, but Villano V didn't have the right build to do the outfit justice. Smith. Also, "IV" on your tights looks cooler than "V." Unless it's the V from the old miniseries, which Villano V's wasn't. Villano IV's main fashion statement was the dead squirrel that he wore around his neck when he came to the ring. JG and I have theorized that if you asked Mike Tenay, he'd be able to tell you it was a prize for the best Villano IV out there, as Senor Bullshit the First had eighty bajillion sons named Villano IV. They have a tournament every year, and it's a great mark of honor to be able to retire without your shitty-looking animal hide being removed during your career. Unfortunately, Villano IV fell on hard times. He got into some trouble with a bad crowd (HECTOR GARZA) and, at a low point, was forced to sell his dead squirrel to Nidia.

The Mysterious JG JG's Number Fifteen Pick: This one jobber named "Big Sexy" About a month ago, when Mideon really started pushing the WV staff to pick from the handful of potential WV-15 topics we'd discussed variously through e-mail and chat, I came up with the following: "I really don't care what topic we pick, as long as it isn't 'Best Dressed.' That's just stupid." And here we are. The people who decided Jacqueline is the best wrestler ever and that some throwaway segment on Thunder most of us didn't see is the best thing ever are now going to count down the best dressed wrestler of all time. The smart money is on Nudion. The smark money, as always, is on Chris Benoit. Just did a quick check to make sure I didn't accidentally spoppor it there. Don't worry, it's still safe to read on. My personal pick for the 15th Best Dressed Wrestler of all time is "Big Sexy." No, not Kevin Nash, though when Kevin Nash later adopted that ring-name it was certainly apropos. Big Sexy was a pasty fat jobber I saw on Worldwide once. He wasn't morbidly obese, but he was noticeably chunky. Not a Grand Porky, but certainly a Really Good Porky. But he was Grand Pasty, and his hilarious pastel onesie said "Big Sexy" on the tummy. Or maybe it was the ass. Super Asia now claims I never saw Big Sexy. Look, I easily forget what I've seen (much like Mr. Roper from "Enter the Dragon,") but I don't dream up fat jobbers. Certainly not ones that turn out to be real, since Super Asia claims to have seen him when I wasn't there. I'm pretty sure he wasn't the same jobber that DDP kept beating up while saying "How do you like that, Johnny?" who would then scream, "I'm not Johnny!" It would be cool if he was, though. Eventually, Kevin Nash became "Big Sexy the Giant Killer" and if I was writing for WV at that point I'd probably still be trying to come up with Kevin Nash nicknames related to this one jobber. So anyway, my 15th best-dressed wrestler is some Worldwide jobber I may not have actually seen, who may have been involved in a fun match but probably not. Wait, he lost to heel Renegade when I saw him. I think. Starting to get why I don't endorse this topic? WV's pick for the 15th best-dressed dude is Mortis. I gave Mortis points as part of a special duel-pick, but Mideon split my points between them. Abuse of power. I picked Mortis because Kanyon was a pretty skinny guy and the lime-green onesie totally enhanced that. So Glacier's ultimate pre-Wrath rival was this karate stick figure. Plus, this one time he was sitting around backstage wearing his Skeletor mask and just being pissed off about jobbing to Glacier a lot. So Raven came by and said some shit like, "Is that a mask to hide your pain and rage, or are you ashamed, to show your face?" And it was all intense and full of Raveny angst. Mortis responded to this vicious insult by ditching James Vandenburg's collection of Strange Oddities (which was Mortis and Vandenburg, pretty much) and joining the Flock. I always thought it was funny that Raven's twisted psychological mind control could be as simple as saying "your mask is retarded. JOIN ME." I'd totally have joined the Flock if he promised me that we'd grab some beers and watch the extended Blues Brothers DVD. Societies rules? The Blues Brothers? They don't mix, pal. But yeah, Mortis. This one time, his spooky theme music played on Pro or some non-Worldwide jobber show, and Scott Hudson said, "I have never been more afraid in my life!" If Scott Hudson ever comes after you, hum Mortis' theme and he'll run shrieking in terror. That has nothing to do with how Mortis is dressed. I hate this topic.

The Next Mideon The Next Mideon's Number Fifteen Pick: Christian I hope our new, gianter heads look okay. I am just butchering Hooker's code. Anyway, I like to imagine that Christian bought all his faggy boxer's robes at Rodney Mack's garage sale. Wrote a play about it. Like to hear it, here it go. [SETTING: The swampy ghettos of Louisiana.] (CHRISTIAN and TYSON TOMKO drive their BAYOU HOVERCRAFT down RODNEY MACK'S street. Spotting the ANGRY BLACK BALLOONS that decorate Mack's crib, they do one of those "slightly reduce speed to see if this stuff is worth getting off our fat asses for" garage sale drive-bys. JAZZ and RODNEY are nearby, sitting in LAWN CHAIRS and wearing HAWAIIAN SHIRTS.) CHRISTIAN: I dost liketh what I see. TOMKO: I hope they have some old ViewMaster slides! Preferably of The Smurfs! (With A FANFARE OF TRUMPETS, CHRISTIAN exits the hovercraft. He strides toward the RICKETY-ASS CARD TABLE at which RODNEY is stationed, bypassing several other customers. Among them is SKINNER, doing battle with A GIANT CRAWFISH. JAZZ is HAGGLING with SOME DICK.) HEIDENREICH: Madam, how much is this rainbow-hued clown wig? JAZZ: Fifty cents. HEIDENREICH: FITTY CENT?!?! GOOD LORD THAT'S A LOTTA MONEY!!! How 'bout I give you a nickel, and you let me cut off a piece of yo' nappy weave? (JAZZ and RODNEY huddle up briefly.) JAZZ: Agreed. (CHRISTIAN approaches as HEIDENREICH proudly dons his new DREADLOCKS.) CHRISTIAN: Good morrow, shopkeep! Might you have any discount kazoos available for purchase? (RODNEY overturns the card table as he flies into a FURIOUS RAGE.) RODNEY: FUCK YOU, CRACKA!!! YO' ASS AIN'T GETTIN' MY KAZOOS!!! CHRISTIAN: Peace, good sir! If that be your attitude, I shall take my beaver nickels elsewhere. JAZZ: Now hold up, fool! If we don't raise enough money, they gonna repossess our pet alligator! (THE REPO MAN pokes his head out of the bushes. We notice his SHIFTY EYES.) RODNEY: Poor ol' Mr. Chompy. JAZZ: Perhaps we could interest you in this gently-used tub of Ass Cream? (CHRISTIAN ignores her offer, having spotted the CLOTHES RACK.) CHRISTIAN: What ho! RODNEY: She asked if you wanted any Ass Cream, fool! (As CHRISTIAN inspects the fine hoodie robes, TOMKO finishes parking the HOVERCRAFT and joins him. He tries to kick a 25 CENT SOCCER BALL, only to FALL DOWN.) CHRISTIAN: These garments are quite dandy indeed, but I'm afraid they're not yet flamboyant or homosexual enough to suit my discerning tastes. Errand Boy, might you be able to sew some gold sequins all over the fucking place? TOMKO: CAN I EVER!!!!! CHRISTIAN: Splendid! How much for the lot, sir or madam? JAZZ: I dunno. A dollar? CHRISTIAN: Tomko, pay the man. (TOMKO pats himself down.) TOMKO: Uh, boss? I think I left your wallet in my other beard. CHRISTIAN: You ninny! You oaf! I've half a mind to give you a sound thrashing! (CHRISTIAN looks to WALLOP TOMKO with a JAUNTY WALKING STICK, but RODNEY whips out his GLOCK.) RODNEY: Quit fuckin' around, honkeys! If you ain't got no dolla dolla bills, get the fuck off my property! CHRISTIAN: Come now, my black peeps! Or, as I like to call you, "Bleeps!" I'm sure we can work out a fair and equitable exchange. The barter system totally rules! RODNEY: Hmm... I COULD use a new Ghetto Blaster, now that you mention it... (RODNEY eyes TOMKO thoughtfully.) (Cut to FIVE MINUTES LATER, as CHRISTIAN happily drives off with his new STUPID ROBES. TOMKO is left behind as PAYMENT.) RODNEY: Gimme a beat, cracka! TOMKO: Fuck. [CURTAIN.] Any theater owners who'd like to purchase the rights to that groundbreaking work can call me at the office. Anyway, I like Christian's dumbass hooded jackets. And I liked when he accessorized a Flash costume with dishwashing gloves. I liked his puffy pirate shirts, and I liked his Ankh pants, unless that was Edge. They were all pretty good, but only "15th Place" good. Christian never came up with that one defining outfit that captured the hearts and minds of a nation. I'd have dressed him into a tuxedo with tails and little white gloves. He could daintily tap a conductor's baton on each turnbuckle. Now that's fresh. On to Mortis. I just went ahead and borrowed that picture from Kanyon's Official Website after Boobermonkeys gave me the hookup. Keep it under your hat. I don't need a seven-foot tall crate showing up on my doorstep tomorrow. Mortis is certainly dressed for St. Patrick's Day, what with the gangrene and all. No one's gonna pinch him, brother! Unless it's on account of sexayness. My favorite thing about Mortis is that he shares his name with that Safety Tortoise from Welcome, Freshmen. He probably should have dressed like him, too. But zombies are also good. The skull shoulderpads protected Mortis during games of Mutant League Football. I also like how he put his ribcage right out there for God and everybody to see, although I imagine that had to be a disadvantage in the ring. I'm surprised he was never forced to add some DDP ribtape to his ensemble. In conclusion, if I was as ugly as Kanyon, I'd have never taken the mask off. Wait, I am. I promise that the rest of my write-ups will be shorter and contain fewer jokes from In Living Color.