Sofa K. Amazing Sofa's Number Nine Pick: The Rock Action Figure: "The Rock says this goof is a complete idiot!" I saw this and I laughed several times, at what was supposed to be one of the most horrible heel acts ever committed. Imagine if you will: The Big Show is given the title as a face champion for no real reason. In a desperate attempt to dispell the "Andre the Giant is my dad" angle from his WCW days, the WWE claims that Paul Wight's father has just "died." Meanwhile, The Rock; who, and let's be honest, will job to ANYONE; has just laid down to THE BIG BOSSMAN in a #1 contender's match. The stage is already set for a Five Snowflake BONZO GONZO CANADIAN BY GOD VIOLENCE extravaganza. However, in order to further promote a feud that maybe 3 people would buy a PPV for, they come up with this. Big Show's father's funeral. And The Big Bossman pulls up in the BLUESMOBILE, complete with megaphone on top of it, from which Bossman was yelling something. What, I'll never know as I was too busy laughing at a reference to one of my favorite movies appearing in the complete non-sequitir of such a supposedly morose moment as a funeral. Not content with just driving up and rambling, the Big Bossman hooks a chain to the coffin, and DRIVES OFF. The Big Show roars in fury, and JUMPS onto the coffin, and gets dragged around a bit, until the segment is mercifully brought to an end. And smarks wonder why none of the marks take the Big Show seriously anymore. Bossman has been involved in some of the stupidest angles, upon reflection. He's been hung, and also fed Al Snow his own dog. Jeez. Way to go, Ray. I also voted for The Rock Action Figure. I don't know the real quote either, but it was funny. And it was something really stupid for an action figure to say. TNM's pretty much summarized it better, and I've rambled for long enough. The Rock does not have awesome pants.

Boobermonkeys Boobermonkeys' Number Nine Pick: Mr. Perfect almost winning the Royal Rumble against Austin and HHH (Boobermonkeys is servin' hard time.)

Jon Jon's Number Nine Pick: Nothin' This should just be changed to "Everything the Big Bossman ever did, ever," much like the last entry. For such a shitty wrestler, Boss Man has been involved in some of the most amazing projections of lights and pixels and things to travel through my television into my eyes, where my brain deciphered the images into "awesome." We had the above mentioned bluesmobile incident, cooking Al Snow's dog, then feeding it to Al Snow, being "hung" from the top of the cell in a Hell in the Cell match, and now he's over in IWA Japan (home of all those deathmatches that Cactus Jack and Terry Funk were in), which has inexplicably turned into some Florida federation from the 1980s. Ted Dibiase is the GM, and the Freebirds or somebody like that is headlining over there. And Boss Man. However, Boss Man love is a double-edged sword. While I appreciate his dedication to making wrestling as stupid as hell, his days spent teaming with Ken Shamrock infuriated me to now end. I appreciated his effort, as I knew that if he wasn't tagging with Boss Man, Shamrock would probably be jobbing to muslim D-Lo on HEAT or something, but I knew that eventually Boss Man's suckiness would hurt the team. And did it ever. When defendign the titles against Owen Hart and Jeff Jarrett (in an incredibly rare and even more nonsensical HEEL vs. HEEL match), Boss Man could not resist the sight of Debra's cleavage, which ultimately cost them the titles. Shortly after that, Ken Shamrock started hanging out with Test and carrying a big piece of wood. Then he was gone from the WWE. Thanks a lot, Boss Man.

The Mysterious JG JG's Number Nine Pick: Everything involving Flair, Perfect, Heenan, Savage and the Ultimate Warrior in 1992. WET WEASEL! Number 9, number 9, number 9, number 9. The Big Boss Man dug up Big Show’s father’s coffin and dragged it around behind the Blues Mobile. What more can I say? God, Buddha, Captain Hindu, or whoever truly blessed us when they made a world in which that could happen. It didn’t even need to be the Blues Mobile to be fucking awesome, and yet, it was. This angle also features what is possibly the greatest line in wrestling history, which is why it’s such a shame I have no way to double-check and make sure I’m getting it right: "The Big Show is a dirty bastard, and his Momma said so!" I have never, ever liked Bossman or the Big Show, but this alone makes them worthwhile. The next time I go off on Big Show in a SDbeak, gently remind me that his own Momma called him a dirty bastard, and I will finally vanquish my hate with love. It’s like a frickin’ Sailor Says over heah. Yes Sofa, there is a Xanta Claus, and I did vote, essentially, for the year 1992 as one of the best things ever. It’s 92, not 96. I fucked up, I fucked up. It’s ironic that this didn’t make the master list (written by Master P,) despite having two supporters. No, what’s ironic is that it shares this honor with Mark Henry’s stank. But I was going to tell you about 1992, wasn’t I? With the Bossman (I <3 you for the next five minutes, Bossman) vs Nailz feud kicking mad stupid ass in the background and Undertaker wasting comparably little airtime feuding with Kamala, the top of the card read like a who’s who of people who rock the casaba. That’s a type of melon. We were blessed with a multiple month long storyline centered on great wrestling heroes like Ric Flair, Mr. Perfect, Bobby Heenan, "Macho Man" Randy Savage, and the Ultimate Warrior. Well, Warrior sucks, but his ranting promos kicked ass and the matches he was having then were as good as he ever had. Seeing as I loved every aspect of the first ¾ of the year and really don’t know which parts (if any) are of interest to others, I’ll just go over the whole thing in order. This will probably be my longest write-up of all. You have been warned. Someone else voted for it, so I’m feeling less guilt than usual. Basically, Warrior and Savage had had a "mutual respect" kind of vibe going since the also awesome Warrior/Macho King feud ended back in 91 at Wrestlemania 7. Warrior threw everything and the kitchen sink at Savage to take his title (after a brief discussion with his hands and the gods,) and Savage went into "retirement" after a quick but well-done face turn in which he finally ditched Sherri and went back to the Lovely Miss Elizabeth. Somewhere along the way, the belt goes from Warrior to OMG Iraqi HEEL Sergeant Slaughter and ends up on Hogan, who loses it in the screwy "This Tuesday in Texas" match no one has ever seen. This opens 1992 with my favorite thing ever, the Royal Rumble where Flair (aided by complete asshole manager Mr. Perfect and "financial consultant" Bobby "the Brain" Heenan) finally gets the WWF title. Savage and Flair have their beautiful feud with the nude pictures of Liz and Macho wanting to kill Flair more than anyone has ever wanted to do anything in the history of mankind (w/mr. socko.) Savage takes the title at Wrestlemania 8, in a match that insanely doesn’t end the show. Instead, the show ends when Ultimate Warrior returns from the Farplane of Destrucity (where he was visiting Chappu, the Ultimate Brudda) to rescue Hulk Hogan from Sid Justice and Papa Fucking Shango. That was his ring-name, briefly. Hogan wanders off to film shitty movies, leaving the title on Macho with Warrior the only real contender since Flair just jobbed and no one takes Sid or Taker seriously. Macho vs Warrior is signed for Summerslam well in advance, and is a guaranteed money match even without an awesome storyline. But Flair wasn’t a back-burner kind of guy yet, so we got the "Whose Corner Will Mr. Perfect Be In" angle, the best thing in wrestling history that didn’t involve at least one total hick. Flair and Perfect taunt Savage into rushing into an ambush (with Perfect dressing as Savage and delivering the immortal line: "I don’t want any part of you or Mr. Perfect, no I don’t. You know why? Cause I’m the Macho Chicken! Hoo, yeah!") and Warrior, being a face, makes the save. But they’re scheduled to fight at Wrestlemania! Goodness gracious! Savage is distrustful of Warrior, so Flair and Perfect begin cutting the Weekly Promos about how Mr. Perfect’s managerial services are available to whoever cuts the fattest check. Flair and Perfect jump one guy or the other practically every week. Meanwhile, on the old Prime Time Wrestling show, the odd, roundtable format (in which pre-taped matches are discussed by Vince McMahon, Hillybilly [haha, hillybilly] Jim, "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan, Perfect and Heenan) allows Perfect and Heenan to suggest that both guys are bidding for Perfect’s services and that his allegiance is shifting regularly. At one point, Savage and Warrior have to tag together against the Nasties, and Flair and Perfect jump Warrior while the Nasties destroy Macho. Heenan, on commentary, actually suggests Warrior paid for the beating so Macho would think he won Perfect’s services. It was confusing as all Hell, but the end result was that the fans were desperate to find out whose side Perfect was on, and the Flair/Perfect team had an insane level of heel heat going. Then Summerslam finally arrives, with Flair and Perfect seemingly cheating on behalf of both guys, before Flair finally lays Warrior the fuck out with a chair when he goes for the Warrior Splash. Savage goes up for the big elbow, the fans totally think he’s turned heel, and then he realizes he never did anything to lay Warrior out. So instead of dropping the elbow on Warrior, he turns and goes for a double axehandle on Flair outside of the ring. But Flair nails him with a chair on the way down, and the loudest heel heat I have ever heard occurs as Flair and Perfect kick the absolute shit out of him. Then they Pillmanize his leg, come to think of it, before the actual Pillman Pillmanization thing ever happened. The main event of Summerslam ends in a fucking count-out, but the angle is so hot that no one cares. Savage returns to hating Flair more than death and taxes combined, and immediately has a match with him at MSG. But his leg hasn’t grown back yet, and Perfect cheats approximately 8 billion times during the match. Savage is literally hanging on to the ring ropes, punching in the general direction of Flair, who just keeps taunting him and then kicking his leg out of his leg. Flair eventually gets Macho in the Figure-4, and Macho passes out from the pain without tapping to give Flair the belt. Never has a heel champion come across as less-deserving or more dickish, and never has a babyface looked more thoroughly screwed over. After the match, the new, still Latino Razor Ramon comes out and kicks Savage’s ass FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER other than to be a complete and utter bastard. After holding the title for about ten seconds, Flair drops it to Hart at a Saskatoon house show in a match with no build-up. The closest he comes to demanding a return match is mentioning Hart off-handedly in promos about Savage, so Hart has to build his reputation by squashing Papa Shango a lot. Papa Fucking Shango. The hottest guys in the promotion now have no connection to the title in a sort of preview of Jericho’s championship run when no one would job to him. The build-up to Survivor Series is now new best friends Macho Man and Ultimate Warrior vs Flair and Ramon, because Perfect was making a concerted effort not to wrestle anymore. Savage restores his leg with a Senzu bean, and cuts an insane, scream-filled promo while Warrior, in the background, pantomimes climbing a ladder while saying "Oh my god, out of control" to himself. And no one else. Later, he would start his own religion. Who’s surprised? Flair cuts a classic promo, in which he says "Look at Perfect, look at Machismo, and look at, the Nature Boy! We’re comin’ ta get ya... WOO!" Then one fucking week before the big match, Warrior goes insane (insaner) and leaves the WWF for whatever reason. Totally stuck, the writers manage to salvage months of storylines over the course of two hours in a Prime Time Wrestling I would kill to have on tape. Basically, Macho joins the roundtable team "via satellite" and suggests that he has a replacement partner, a "Perfect partner," in mind. He starts talking about what a great champion Perfect was, and what a shame it is to see him carrying Flair’s bags and kissing the Dirtiest Ass in the Game. Flair offers his rebuttal via satellite, saying Perfect is too smart for that, and then he shoots himself in the foot by saying that Perfect knows his place, and that his place is in Ric Flair’s shadow. Oh no you didna, Ric. Perfect spends the entire two hour show listening to the two argue back and forth in two minute sequences, and Heenan twists the knife by taking credit for Perfect’s former success and telling Perfect he’s lucky to be involved with someone as great as Flair. Perfect finally explodes (Perfect exploding!) and says he isn’t in anyone’s shadow. Flair screams bloody murder as Mr. Perfect takes a pitcher of water, pours it on Bobby’s head, and yells "WET WEASEL! WET WEASEL!" like a complete nutjob. So it’s the Perfect Team of Macho and Perfect vs Flair and Ramon (or, if you’re Flair, Machismo) at Survivor Series. The main event was some nonsense no one cared about (Hart vs Hickenbottom, what a joke) but this match stole the show. Flair cuts a promo in which he delivers another of his all-time classic lines: "We’ve been survivin’, all of our lives! WOO!" The match occurs, and Razor does most of the early work while Flair struts around all batshit crazy on the apron. The crowd pretty much loses it when he comes in for the first round of getting his ass kicked. Eventually the heels take over on Macho, and we get an extended beatdown as Perfect just kinda stands there. Then he hops off the apron and starts for the back. The crowd is all over him. Then he stops, and looks back, and the crowd is instantly in love with him again. He returns, and kicks everyone in the world’s ass with Perfectplexes, and the whole thing was ends with the heels DQed or some bullshit. The faces clean house with chairs and the crowd is in Heaven. So again, a match with a non-ending has the crowd desperate for more. Savage and Perfect cut a victory promo in which Savage screams "CAN YOU SAY GOBBLE-GOBBLE!?!?" while Mr. Perfect juggles turkeys. This fucking happened, I swear. Flair ends up jobbing to Mr. Perfect in a "Loser Leaves WWF" match I never got to see, which is why he isn’t in the WWF anymore. All of these guys eventually went to WCW to job to Hogan, except maybe Hall and definitely Perfect (who wasn’t high enough on the card for Hogan but did job a lot to Master P, who then kept this item off his master list.) I’m finally done. It’s a good thing Arn Anderson never did a cameo during this angle.

The Next Mideon TNM's Number Nine Pick: Big Bossman drags a coffin around behind the Blues Mobile I'm bringing the content today, mothergrubbers. Get that weak stuff outta here and don't come up in my wheelhouse and what have you. I had the Big Bossman dragging a coffin around behind the Blues Mobile at #9, and that's where it ended up. I got all the stroke around here, Slapassnuts! BLADOW. Anyway, let me tell you a story about the Big Show's father, Andre the Giant. Andre the Giant was a rather large man. He was born in the French Alps, where he invented the Frere Jacques dance at an early age. But Mr. the Giant had even loftier aspirations. At the age of 600 pounds, he boarded a giant snail and rode to America. Andre's acting chops quickly made him a Hollywood sensation, starring in such blockbusters as My Dinner With Andre The Giant and that thing with Billy Crystal and the Grand Nagus. While guest-starring on "The Golden Girls", Young Andre caught the eye of Betty White, because chicks dig it big. Their illicit love affair had to remain forerver secret, as Betty was already married to Bea Arthur. Nine months later, Baby Big Show came tearing out of his mother's womb at a high rate of speed. Andre the Giant vanished into the sea, where he was eventually killed because Dawn Marie sexed him too hard. Hundreds of years later, the adult Big Show was feuding with the Big Bossman. It may or may not have been for the WWE title yet, which is just fucking mind-boggling. Actually, I guess the WWE title didn't exist yet. Bossman wanted to dig up some dirt on Show, so he exhumed Andre the Giant and used police technology to determine that 'Dre had fathered Paul Wight out of wedlock. The Bossman also got Show's mom to admit this by slapping her around a little. Days later, they had another funeral for Andre because he was stinking up the joint. Big Show, who was a big, nasty bastard and his momma just said so, was in attendance. But the Big Bossman was on a mission from God. "It's 106 miles to Cobb County, I got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and I'm wearing sunglasses," he said. "Also, the Big Bossman's dead daddy is in a casket chained to my fender. Hit it." And so he put the pedal to the metal, dragging the coffin through the cemetery at what some might describe as "a high rate of speed". Big Show leapt atop the casket, because coffin surfin' was an extreme sport that all the kids were into at the time. And that's where our tale ends. The Big Bossman went on to cook a dog, while the Big Show went on to cook many, many dogs. Also noteworthy is this conversation from like a year later. Kurt Angle, to Bossman and Bling-Bling Buchanan: "Hey, you guys don't like the Big Show, right?" Bossman: "As a matter of fact, I yanked his dead daddy right off the grave - drove him through the cemetary - at a high rate of speed!" Angle: "Riiiight..." In memory of the ninth greatest moment in wrestling history, I use the phrase "high rate of speed" at least seven times per day.