Sofa K. Amazing Sofa's Number Fifteen Pick: The Hardcore Title Match at Wrestlemania 17 "Shades of Poker Face": Actually, that image is probably the best joke I can come up with for this one, as I didn't actually see it happen, though I'm sure few other people did, either. However, this event is extraordinary for several reasons. As rare as continuity is in wrestling, it's always a delight so see something that happened in the past brought up again on wrestling television with a conscious nod to angles that occurred in the past. And no, I'm not talking about Hogan vs. Warrior II, though the time where Hogan screamed "WARRIOR!!!!!" was totally hilarious, and I should have voted for it in the creation of this list. Anyway, in the world of wrestling where little makes sense, it's always nice to have a sense of continuity. That's what makes this quote so good. Josh Matthews, with a conscious nod to a previous Velocity jobber, described a move as "Shades of Poker Face", 'Poker Face' being the name of the (no longer anonymous) jobber that will live on and on in our (and obviously Josh's) hearts. The Hardcore Match at Wrestlemania 17: This match is brilliant for 2 reasons that I can remember, and there are probably more. 1) The Big Show bursting through a wall a la The Kool-Aid Man. 2) Raven driving away on a Golf Cart, and Kane giving chase on ANOTHER golf cart. Good, good times. Wrestling needs more slapstick insano bullshit like this, and any reference to the Kool-Aid Man is a welcome boon in the dry desert that is entertainment.

Boobermonkeys Boobermonkeys' Number Fifteen Pick: Mark Henry's stank Tazz on commentary with Josh is great- we all know that- but the geniuine exceitement that comes from the trembling voice of our little orange friend when talking about a petite black man who didn't do much more than tapdance and get powerbombed by Shaniqua- that's what wrestling greatness is all about. Plus it was on Velocity, so only the cool kids at school knew about it on Monday morning. Scott Vantastic is this generation's Marty Jannetty.

Jon Jon's Number Fifteen Pick: Nothin' "Shades of Pokerface" - I've barely had any sleep the past 5 or so days, I haven't showered today, I'm hungry, and I have no idea what the fuck this means. Now I know how it feels to read Weekly Visitor for the first time. I hope my mom comes home soon.

The Mysterious JG JG's Number Fifteen Pick: Gary Spivey As the only staffer not mentioned anywhere in the cursive-free prologue (which makes reference to a closet but shamefully has no fag jokes,) I feel the need to protest. If I’m understanding this alphabetical listing system correctly (and me understanding anything always raises a big question mark that you can’t alphabetize) then as a Mysterious guy, I will be listed above a Next guy. The bottom of the WV-15 is my territory, Mideo. I was put there for a reason. I’m going to make an effort not to drone on and on and provide about 2/3 of the total verbage in THE NEW Weekly Visitor Top 15, but it’s gonna be tough this time. Like everyone else, I had about a million ideas that I had to try and shave down to fifteen. Much like Albert and his hair. There are honorable mentions aplenty, awesome stuff that couldn’t make the cut, and I feel they deserve mention. Honorably. There was the fact that Glacier’s first defeat came at the hands of Buff Bagwell. There was the Corporate Rock stopping mid-catch phrase so people couldn’t sing-a-long with him. There was Farooqq standing up for masturbation. There was "What?" before the fans joined in and Stone Cold turned face. There was the Evil Scary Mutant Stone Cold Head, and the time he said "I cannot believe the mentality of the Canadian race." There was the time Rick Rude went to do the sexay hip-swivel thing during his Iron Man Match with Steamboat, but he stopped to grimace in pain mid-swivel. There was everything on the EvilJonHunt81 comp tape, particularly the Home Invasion Death Match and the match that ended via rock concert. There was the time Arn Anderson pinned babyface HBK with the spinebuster. There was the time William Regal came to the ring to teach us about table manners, and he kept going for several minutes before finally getting stunnered. There was the time Pillman showed up to a "business meeting" in a T-shirt and jeans, so Arn fucking slapped him. There was the time Ric started to woo in Flair/Steamboat 3, but Rick slapped him when he’d barely finished the w. There was the War Games when Kevin Nash asked a handcuffed Benoit if he would submit and spare Ric Flair’s head from being crushed in the cage door, and Benoit just spat on him. There was the War Games when Meng tried to climb the cage and rip the roof off, and eventually settled for headbutting the camera. There was the Worldwide taping where some fan told Sonny Onoo to go back to China and Onoo started cracking up. There was the time Terry Funk fucking murdered Ric Flait, and THEN started calling him names. There was the time some fatty flew over the ring on Nitro piloting a magic piano, and Tony Schiavone completely ignored him and kept talking about how Sid was beating up jobbers. There was the Warrior/Savage match where Warrior stared at his hands wondering why his gods had abandoned him. There was Hogan staring into a mirror screaming "WARRIOR" like he was in one of his retarded movies. There was anything and everything about the Flair/Savage feud, be it nude pictures of Liz or making fun of Lance Poffo. There was the time Chavito said "Shame on you, Chris Benoit" while stroking Eddie’s hair. There was the time Tazz said "I’d slap you in the face JR, but it looks like God beat me to it" and the crowd just audibly gasped. There was the three Nitros in a row where a tuxedoed Ric Flair inexplicably sat at ringside at a fancy dining table set with candelabras and shiny silver covered plates and shit, and someone would invariably be chokeslammed through it while Flair protested that his lovely meal was ruined. There was everything... that makes us endure the Undertaker, basically. But now that I’ve written all that, I can get to my pick, and the real pick. The real pick for the 15th greatest thing ever to happen is "Shades of Pokerface." That’s not even a thing. Shame. I didn’t even see it, but I still love it. That’s Weekly Visitor in a nutshell. We enjoy our own coverage of wrestling (and other people’s commentary on wrestling) more than the sport itself. Apparently, some skinny black jobber named Pokerface showed up on Velocity and dropkicked a lot. This cracked up Josh Mathews and Tazz, a loveable pair of miscreants who could laugh themselves to tears watching an apple brown. We’re right there with you, Little People. If Pokerface ever teamed with Tyson Dux, Tazz’s tiny orange heart would probably explode. Forcing Michael Cole to yell, "Tazz’s heart exploding!" My pick for the 15th greatest thing ever to happen actually is a thing that happened, in a way. I picked Gary Spivey, though what I meant was "the time Gary Spivey was on Worldwide." Worldwide was the Velocity of it’s day and kicked Nitro and Thunder’s collective asses. One week on Worldwide, a dejected Paul Orndorffff went backstage to his locker room (which had a convenient camera) and questioned if he was truly still wonderful after all these years. Z-list TV psychic Gary Spivey, a man who has a brillo pad for hair, then burst in and gave him a pep-talk that involved looking into a mirror and talking to it like that Al Franken self-help character guy. Mr. Wonderful, reminded of his #1derfulness, went out and got incredibly goofy theme music that was apparently later used without words for the Maestro (the flying fatty on the piano... it’s all coming together!) But you already knew this because of WrestleCrap, I’ll bet. Maybe you had to be there. But lil’ bro and I loved it enough that I got him some Gary Spivey boxer shorts as a gag gift one year (I couldn’t bear the idea of giving him the Gary Spivey thong.) The wretchedness of the acting was important... whether saying it to Mike or making Edge and Christian say it in an EIW roleplay, the ellipses in "Gary Spivey of the Psychic... Companions Network? What are you doin’ here?" is vital. Paul has to tell us who the guy is since none of us know, but even the knowledgeable Paul needs a minute to think of the name of the guy’s psychic rip-off line. It doesn’t hurt matters that Amy has a psychic boyfriend in Sailor Moon Classic, so I can pretend he’s from Spivey’s Network. Amy Anderson of the Inner... Sailor Scouts? What are you doing here? The next one will be roughly than half this length, I swear.

The Next Mideon The Next Mideon's Number Fifteen Pick: Also Mark Henry's stank There's me in Christian's X-Pac mask. The tongue tells the tale. Yeah, why did I put myself at the bottom, anyway? And JG is 100% right about my fag joke failure. I should have said "It belongs to a gay wizard", and then I could have segued into Ian McKellen jokes. Blown spot. Oh, and I forgot to mention it in the intro, but this layout is courtesy of (read: stolen from) Hooker. I had to point that out so I wouldn't be confronted by a team of contrary Canadian lawyers. Anyway, Mark Henry's stank. It is all-encompassing. If you were to go outside right now and take a whiff, you'd detect a hint of it emanating from Texas. Give it a try. I'll wait. Now that you're back, we can continue our diagnosis of Mr. Henry's stank. It first achieved fame in that episode of Seinfeld where Mark handles the valet parking for the Texas Cheesecake Depository. Although he was fired for stealing Jason Alexander-Spears' spotlight, Mark quickly sta(n)ked his claim to fame in local Strongman competitions. He would exude his stank into the form of two large, disembodied hands, which could then be used to bend and/or lift things as needed. Most recently, Henry put his stank all over Trish Stratus during an evening of passionate, transsexual sister-lovin'. But a Vanilla Midget grew jealous of Sexual Chocolate and dislocated his stank with the Crippler Crossface. Mark Henry is currently undergoing a stank transplant on Dr. Jim Andrews' operating table. Keep him in your prayers. On to the our official #15, which is "Shades of Poker Face". Or more specifically, the MOMENT in which Josh said "Shades of Poker Face". Lousy smarks. For those of you who don't get all irrationally excited about Velocity, Poker Face was a comically undersized jobber. He also wore EYEBLACK, which is just fucking bizarre. He was like the Mark Grace of pygmy African American wrestlers. P.F. received the hot tag from his unimportant, van-dwelling partner that fateful night and nearly defeated the Bashams. Sadly, Shaniqua was all "Come on, Shaniqua! Finish him!" and got in the ring to fucking powerbomb Poker Face herself. Even in defeat, Poker touched the hearts of us all, including Josh Mathews and Tazz, who are both insane. The former coined the phrase "Shades of Poker Face" to describe the actions of a wrestler who is on a roll or feelin' his oats or dropkickin' everybody and what have you. And that's the way it is.