Nik Nik's Number Fourteen Pick: Lance Storm I picked Lance Storm for number 14. Mainly because he's cute, but not as cute as the remaining 13 people on the list, and of course cuter than whoever I picked for 15. And, there's just something about the way he talks. Like he's really mad at someone or something, but he's not sure where to direct that anger. As for the REAL #14, Tugboat/Shockmaster, I.... well... Okay, I didn't want to admit this, but here it is. I've only been consistently watching wrestling since 1999. OKAY, I stopped watching it around the end of 2001. So, honestly, I don't even know who Tugboat is! I mean, I KNOW who the Shockmaster is because I read Wrestlecrap when it decides to be around, but...*sniff* just don't tear down your pictures of me, okay? I swear to god I'm not a poseur, A.C. Slater!!

Josh Josh's Number Fourteen Pick: Minoru Fujita Tugboat: Toot too. Minoru Fujita: I've only seen him wrestle two matches, but that's all it takes to make my Top 20-turned-15. That and being Japanese. Ching Chong. He's in DDT now, I think, and I always see him dressing like a Hardy Boy and jumping off of ladders. Whatever.

Hooker Hooker's Number Fourteen Pick: Tenacious Z I haven't been watching wrestling for a while, so the only outstandingly retarded gimmicks I remember are "The Real Man's Man" Steven Regal, Viscera, Mideon, Kwee-Wee, G.I. Bro. . .actually, I've had my fair share of truly stupid gimmicks. But then again, I also got Major Gunns, and if WCW wasn't going to give me wrestling, huge breasts are a nice substitute. Anyway, I am going somewhere with all this: I haven't been watching pro wrestling for very long (in a relative sense, that is--I've actually been watching it far longer than I have any reason to) so I never actually saw the infamous Shockmaster incident nor did I ever experience Tugboat. To compensate for this, I did a little researching (read: I typed "tugboat wwf" into Google) and this is what I found: Apparently, Tugboat was a "good friend" of Hulk Hogan's. I would make some joke about what "good friend" means, tying in Tugboat's rediculous outfit that basically consisted of a horizontally striped shirt and a gay sailor's hat, but everyone in wrestling dressed gay, especially back then. So, while you might laugh at the joke had I made it, I'm just not going to. But aside from Tugboat being Hulk Hogan's life partner, he was also a member of a heel tag team with Earthquake and went by the name of Typhoon--and actaully won the tag titles once! I was a little shocked by that when I read it, but the story checks out. And speaking of shock, Tugboat was also the infamous Shockmaster that most of you already know about. But the whole thing has just been beaten into the fucking ground so hard that I can't be bothered to be entertained by it anymore. Yeah, he fell through a wall when he made his debut and yeah, his crappy helmet fell off. Throw in Bog Saget saying something like "Okay! I'm just going to walk through this wall and OOOOOPP oh my helmet! Oh geez, where did my helmet go?" and you pretty much have the type of humor that most people take from the incident. Sure, seeing it live for the first time with no expectations going in would be great, but beyond that, it's just bumblefuck humor and isn't something you can't see better (but still not terribly good) on any given episode of Jackass. That's not to say there's nothing funny about the incident, though. There actually is when you consider how that whole thing was supposed to happen. Him falling and losing his helmet was unintentional and just isn't funny after the fact, but that they had planned to debut a fat guy in a Stormtrooper helmet covered in glitter by breaking through a construction paper wall and then have him cut a pre-recorded promo with a raspy voice and retarded dialog, things start getting a helluva lot funnier. Tenacious Z, my personal 14th place pick, I also haven't seen more than 15 seconds of, which is rather ironic, I guess. I've experienced both Shockmaster and Tenacious Z by shitty quality movie files over the Internet. Of course, most of you don't know who Tenacious Z is, so I'll fill you in: he's a kid with only one leg who hops around the ring to do his moves. And that's the sole reason I decided to make him my number 14 pick. He's also recently been picked up by the WWE, which can only mean an inevitably highly offensive, highly retarded storyline with Triple H.

Sofa Sofa's Number Fourteen Pick: Jerry Lynn TUGBOAT/SHOCKMASTER: Tazz came to America on a Thugboat. I think Tugboat's real name is Fred Ottman. I really, really do not remember Tugboat at all, other than his TOOT TOOT arm motion. I can only assume that while he was a massive guy, his job was to lug even heavier people around the harbor that is life. Heavier in the spiritual/mental sense. Those with heavier burdens in life than himself. I can only assume that Tugboat was the shoulder that everyone would cry on when the chips were down. Plus he wore a stormtooper helmet and tripped one time. He would acheive fame later in life as a trivia answer, an oft-viewed webpage on WrestleCrap, and 1 out of 15 internet user's personal icons. JERRY LYNN: Jerry Lynn beat up a bum once. I think that's worth a spot in my top 15 list. Cyrus and he were walking the streets of New York, when they met a bum on the street. When said bum refused to acknowledge Jerry Lynn as his favorite wrestler, fisticuffs were given at the hands of Cyrus. While hesitant at first to join in the flurry of blows, Lynn eventually conceded that the bum's favorite wrestler really should have been Jerry Lynn, and joined the beating. Then he went to the WWF and became a long running and very funny joke for The Next Mideon. WHERE'S JERRY?!

Waspie Waspie's Number Fourteen Pick: The A-Train Man, what's left to say about poor ShockBoat? I'll tell you. TugMaster is the most caring, kind person I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. The time was 1943. The place? World War Two. Jerry had captured my entire platoon during our ill-advised attempt to liberate several plates of turkey and bowls of dog food from a German castle. I was afraid I'd have to sit the rest of the war out, but to my surprise I was interned in the pluckiest P.O.W. camp in all of Germany. We had secret tunnels all over the goddamn place, and the Colonel never suspected a thing. In fact, Shockmaster was responsible for more than half of them. You'd just be sitting in the secret recreation room, and BAM! he'd burst through the wall like a Kool-Aid man out of Hell, grinning and eager to tell you where he'd gotten into this time. We never had too much steak, let me tell you. In fact, Shockmaster dug the tunnel that enabled us to make our escape. Some of the other guys bugged out after they got their freedom, but Shockmaster and I joined up with the Navy to serve our country on the Pacific front. It's a little-known fact, but Shockmaster legally changed his name to Tugboat in a fit of nautical pride. Needless to say, we did our country proud. They even went so far as to base a television series on our exploits, but Tim Conway decided to play me as a complete asshole so I had to legally change my name to Waspie. Toot toot, Tugboat. Toot toot, indeed.

Jon Hunt Jon Hunt's Number Fourteen Pick: Great Sasuke Editor's Note: A lot of O's had to be edited out of Jon's "write-up" for Mr. Boat because it was causing the frame to expand drastically to the point that it would cause you, our valued readers, to have to keep shifting the horizontal slidebars around. So, where I've put ellipses, just mentally substitute a needlessly high number of O's. TOOOOOOOOOOOOO. . .OOOOOOOOOT TOOOOOOO. . .OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!

The Next Mideon The Next Mideon's Number Fourteen Pick: The Dog Tug life born, tug life bred, and when he dies he'll be tug life dead. He's not dead yet, is he? Somebody look into that. Either way, I put The Dog at #14. The Dog is to Kevin Nash as Tugboat is to Hulk Hogan. If they ever ask that question on the S.A.T.s, you know who to thank. I choose to comment solely upon the Tugboat gimmick because everybody always talks about The Shockmaster. Yeah, he fell down. Seriously, what did you guys expect? He's a STORMTROOPER. In related news, Waspinator is sorely mistaken if he thinks he's taking the "Most Star Wars References In The WV-15" crown without a fight. As I stated, Tugboat was Hulk Hogan's li'l buddy. And I use the term "li'l", which isn't actually a real term, loosely. Tugs was like the Gilligan to The Hulkster's Skipper, if you can wrap your head around the drastic difference in weight that seems to contradict that poorly thought-out simile. Tugboat earned my respect by wearing a red and white striped shirt that was many, many sizes too small. But most notably, he sometimes passed out a jar full of HULK HOGAN FRIENDSHIP BRACELETS to the crowd. I think that was when Earthquake murdered Hogan. Tugboat later went on to team with Earthquake, proving that he's just another back-stabbing 400 pounder in a little sailor's hat. Et toot, Tugboat? Et toot???

ChainClaw ChainClaw's Number Fourteen Pick: Flash Funk AHHHH Fred Ottman, one of the only guys who might give Al Snow a run for the "how many gimmicks can I have in one career" honor. He was a fat friar, a natural disaster (TYPHOON PUNCH!), a farting, um, guy (whom EIW thinks was a brilliant color commentator... YOU DECIDE.), and perhaps in his most famous incarnations, a fat assed sailor and a fat faggy stormtrooper with poor balance. Since Shockmaster and Tugboat are the two gimmicks most people remember, I'll stick with those. Sorry EIW, no BOOGERMANIA references will taint my write up. Tugboat was a fat sailor, really fat. His main deal was getting his fat buisness done while yelling "TOOT TOOT" really loudly. NOthing really amazing, huh? However, since he asked a bunch of kids to write to Hogan during his vacati... er... recovery from an injury, he got really over in the 80's as any talentless schmuck who buddied with Hogan did back then. Then, he wrestled, that pretty much killed his popularity like Schumacher killed Batman's. His real claim to fame, though, was in WCW as Shockmaster. He was supposed to be a MEGA FACE(OMG SMARK) and help Sting out with Flair or Luger or whatever random Horseman was annoying him. Hell maybe it was Vader. Anyway this is taking to long, Shockmaster fell down on the stage even before hitting the ramp for god's sake, and killed ANY possible "badass" points he had. On the bright side, a young Mark Calloway watched this and from then on vowed to ride a motorcycle to all his matches, to avoid ever losing his bad assitude with his own tendancy to fall off stuff. He also vowed to never wear the glittery Stormtrooper helmet he had in his closet either, but that's neither here nor there. Thank you Shockmaster, your sacrifice has given us two more years of "Soupbone" and "My Yard" promo's to choke on. Damn this was long.

EIW EandC EIW EandC's Number Fourteen Pick: "Macho Man" Randy Savage Ah, the Shockmaster. A favorite Ezboard gimmick of people who only heard about him through Wrestlecrap to begin with, it is now online law that wrestling fans must be amused by the big goofy guy who tripped and fell on live TV. For that very reason, lots of people are sick to death of hearing about him. But not me baby, I saw it live. WCW had been building up the idea of a big mystery partner for Sting’s WarGames team for weeks. They were probably trying to convince us it was gonna be some huge WWF defection like Repo Man or Tatanka. As it turns out, it was, sort of, as Fred Ottoman had been playing “Typhoon” with some success. This was clearly his best gimmick ever, in that he was a fat guy named for a type of storm and we were not actually asked to accept him as a large swirling air-mass. Before that he was a Tugboat, a fat guy in a vaguely nautical outfit who made boat noises. TNM recently dubbed him Tugmaster. You gross, TNM. But back to Shocky: so…it’s Clash of the Champions, Flair for the Gold, and Ric and Sting are cutting this face promo that has the crowd eating out of their hands. And they hand the mic to Sting’s pal British Bulldog and the crowd absolutely dies. It was awesome. That may have been a different promo, actually, I just have this really vivid memory of Bulldog being completely dissed by some hick WCW audience. Anyway, Sid and Harlem Heat and whoever their evil fourth guy was interrupt and start acting all evil and mean and say mean things and etc. Then Sting grabs the mic and says, “You guys may be in…for a SHOCK…because our partner…is the SHOCK…MASTER!” First things first…he said it like we were supposed to be all excited about Shocky when he was a new character and nobody knew it was Ottoman (yet.) Then, of course, Shockmaster jumps through a paper wall. He trips and falls and his helmet comes off and Ole Anderson (this was before he left Strike Force and became El Matador) didn’t know so he used his favorite retarded voice-amplifying mic to continue cutting a brutally stupid Black Scorpion promo in which he promised to wrestle control of the world away from Sid. And no, it wasn’t intentional, because Sting completely lost it laughing. Also, the camera immediately went to this super-tight close-up on Sid because he (due either to amazing professionalism or just being rickin’ nuts) was not reacting at all. And Ventura started laughing as Tony tried in his wussiest manner to get Jesse (James, Team…nevermind) to quit goofing and help him cover. All of this amused me, but this is not why Shockmaster lives on in my heart. For when the poor dope got to his feet and put his helmet back on, we got to see what the WCW’s brand new bad-ass hero was meant to be. He has a fat guy with no shirt, jeans, a grungy looking cape and a StormTrooper helmet covered in glitter. Sadly, the question of whether he had planned to wear the helmet in the ring was never answered. My little brother and I watched WCW religiously for the next three weeks, waiting to see if they were gonna try and ignore the incident. Sadly, they changed his gimmick to being a loveable clutz and he sucked in a profoundly boring way. But in my heart lives the dream of a successful Shockmaster. A guy who jumped through the paper wall, stayed on his feet, and cut a stupid promo the fans merely ignored instead of laughing at. There would have been months of this caped, fat, shiny-helmeted, vaguely futuristic warrior guy cutting insane promos and wrestling horrible matches before the brain trust running WCW would have killed the gimmick. So as goofy as that one shining example of the risks of live television was, I think it only right we have a moment of silence for the goofiness that was lost. Wow, I sure am wordy. I’ll try to keep HEEL Doink short and sweet. I should have talked about him last time, and forgot, and my #14 was Macho who ended up on the master list somewhere so I’ll cover Doink now. HEEL Doink was very different from face Doink. HEEL Doink made sense. He was some asshole who pulled lame pranks on people for no damn reason, so you booed him. Face Doink was an asshole who pulled lame pranks on people for no damn reason, but we were supposed to cheer because of our deep and abiding hatred for Bam Bam Bigelow or whoever. Man…Bam Bam looks angry and he has an ugly girlfriend…I sure wish someone would belittle him through cream pies! Anyway, some WWF concept guy read/saw/heard about Stephen King’s “It.” Unable to do a gimmick about a monster eating children, they made Matt the Smashing Repo Man Bourne dress like a clown and gave him “scary” music. Like all Matt Bourne characters, Doink covered himself and everyone within a ten mile radius with drool. Big Show had nothin’ on him. His biggest, bestest feud as a heel was with (in an Arn/Amy level of coincidence) “Macho Man” Randy Savage. Basically, Doink hated Macho because of…something, so he kept calling him “Macho Boy.” Macho proceeded to chase him around, but Doink had lots of guys dressed like him and they popped up all over the arena to confuse and frighten Macho Man. Macho’s response to this complex psychological warfare was to simply beat up loads and loads of clowns. How can you not love an angle like that? Anyway, I was gonna keep this short but I’m pretty much a big liar.

Shane Spear Shane Spear's Number Fourteen Pick: Big Van Vader I negelected to submit a write-up! O_o