Nik Nik's Number Twelve Pick: Chris Jericho Jericho - I picked him because I thought everyone else would. So of course, I had to do it too. You know how peer pressure is. Also, he wears good pants. Randy Savage. Well, I keep getting him confused with Rowdy Roddy Piper. Not that they're anything alike, or even close in name or whatever, but they are practically interchangable. One wears kilts, one wears floruescents. One chews bubble gum, one snaps into slim jims. I think I can sum up Randy Savage in one word: not that great.

Josh Josh's Number Twelve Pick: Yoshihiro Tajiri Randy Savage: OOOOOH YEEEUUUUHHHH. People always say he had all these awesome matches with Ricky Steamboat or someone, but all I remember is him fighting one of the Demolition guys. It sucked. Yoshihiro Tajiri: Tajiri probably still wrestles, but I don't know. I have some match between him and Minoru Tanaka from Battlarts on a tape somewhere. It 0wn32

Hooker Hooker's Number Twelve Pick: Perry Saturn First and foremost, I'd like to point out that two people picked Tajiri as their number 12 picks: JOSH and Jon. The reason? They're geeky PURO-smarks, or whatever that's called. You know, the ones that think that since the wrestlers injure themselves more, work under lower production values, and can't speak English, they're therefore better wrestlers. My pick as number twelve, however, is Perry Saturn. Now, while he injures himself frequently and probably can't speak English, he does look really stupid and he beats the shit out of jobbers. Or he did before he was fired. In any event, I picked him mostly because of his general absentness that I find so endearing. So much so that I actually made a column about him as well as a career profile. Everything I have to say about him is summed up in both, but if you want it summarised: he's a really stupid person yet seems oblivious to it. The Macho (Macho) Man, Randy Savage also comes off as stupid and the biggest example of this was when he was on commentator duty at Wrestlemania IX. Why a headlining star like Randy Savage was on commentating duty at Wrestlemania is beyond me but he was. He and the tag match (which I'll get into in a future write-up) together made Wrestlemania IX my favorite wrestling show of all time despite everything else on the show sucking insane amounts of ass. Randy Savage's contribution to the show was just saying all sorts of batshit insane things that, due to not having seen the show in quite some time, I can't really remember the specifics of. And most of it was completely unintelligible to begin with. Every match had him saying something completely outstanding, though, and in most cases there were numerous examples of idiocy above and beyond the call of duty. Perhaps one day I'll do a retro rebeak of the show right here on Weekly Visitor. In fact, if anyone has a tape of the show they want to donate to the cause, send me an e-mail here: hooker@shaw.ca

Sofa Sofa's Number Twelve Pick: Diamond Dallas Page "Macho Man" Randy Savage There is no end to the amounts of both respect and ridicule I have for Randy Savage. I repsect him for being a good worker, a downright goofy mic worker, and a professional. I ridicule him because he's so goddamned psychotic outside of wrestling. I always wondered why Flair bothered to take those naked pictures of Liz, though. I mean, did he take pictures of all the women he pleasured? Because if we believe Flair's gimmick, (HE'S LIVING THE GIMMICK!!!1), he was with a different woman practically every night. That's a lot of pictures to take, and a lot of pictures to store. And also IT'S FUCKING CREEPY. Now, Liz was very, VERY pretty, but I'm sure Flair, being the pimpmaster that he was, had found some even fly-er hoes than The Lovely Elizabeth. So, in the end, I think it's obvious and important to assume that Flair just had photo album upon photo album full of pictures taken of women he took to Space Mountain. So, what I'm saying is, it probably took like a day or two for he and Mr. Perfect to search through all those pictures to find the ones of Liz, pictures that we never even saw. Macho was on a movie screen at the same time as Bruce Campbell. DDP Highlights: THREE TIME THREE TIME THREE TIME WCW World Heavyweight Champion; ONE TIME ONE TIME ONE TIME WWF European Champion. The sad thing about DDP is that I only grew to love him secondhand, via Chris Kanyon's BRILLIANT "Positively" Kanyon gimmick, whereupon he imitated DDP to a ridiculous exaggeration, complete with straggly blonde wig and gravelly voice. I learned from Mick Foley's book that DDP sleeps naked. That's the kind of "inside scoop on the biz" shoot interviewing and being a smark fan is all about. While already entertaining in his own right as a Dirty Evil Guy From Jersey, a Dirty, Greasy Gen-X Poseur, and TEH (Dirty) STALKER, DDP acheived another form of coroporeal being altogether with his (Dirty) Motiviational Speaker/Self-Improvement gimmick. I mean he transcended the bounds of humanity with this shit, people. DDP was going to help you like you, and you were going to fucking like it. If only they'd added that sparkling tooth to his promos, we'd be honoring statues with his likeness in shrines all across the country. That's how powerfully awesome that gimmick was. And now it's gone, buried with the likes of Hardcore Holly's "I just got a (fucking) car dropped on my and now I'm batshit insane" gimmick, La Parka's "My interviews are subtitled now" gimmick, and even Neo-(Shin)-Kaientai's INDEEEEEEEEEEED. Rest in peace, gentle gimmicks. You could have changed the world, in a better world.

Waspie Waspie's Number Twelve Pick: Mideon I admire Randy Savage. In a business that used to reward dressing like a blind gay person, Randy Savage stuck out. Not because he didn't look like a blind gay person, of course. He stood out because he managed to instil his outfits with something that the others couldn't quite manage: Whimsy. Sure, any meatslab could don a neon-green cowboy hat and proclaim themselves to be macho. It took a special kind of meatslab to add a stupid little hangy thing on the back of the hat, taking the look beyond "stupid" and into "bizarre." It's hard to describe, but I swear I've only seen dangly things like that on women's hats, and usually only in period films, to boot. I'm quite sure he dressed like a pirate at times, too. This was exceptional, because he didn't have a pirate gimmick. Anybody who willfully dresses like a pirate when it's totally uncalled for is okay in my book. Also: he wore more than his fair share of Bedazzled tassel jackets and glasses that he couldn't possibly have been able to see through, and if there's one thing I enjoy, it's style over substance. Especially misdirected attempts at style. Of course, times have changed. Gone are the days of clothes that hurt your eyes and made you question your sexuality. Savage now only wears black feathered boas, as if mourning for wrestling's innocence.

Jon Hunt Jon Hunt's Number Twelve Pick: Yoshihiro Tajiri Randy Savage - weird. Isn't he The Genius's brother? Anyway, Savage rules all. I liked that one time, in like fall of 98 or so, he showed up at the end of Nitro one week, but then was never back. Also, this kid I used to know's dad played baseball with Savage in college or high school or something. That makes us brothers!

The Next Mideon The Next Mideon's Number Twelve Pick: Koko B. Ware Haha, #12 and #13 are brothers. That's funny in a... general sort of way. My own #12 pick happened to be Koko B. Ware. He had both a parrot and some of the most transcendently bad entrance music ever. I really liked him as a youngster. What the fuck was wrong with me? Maybe it was due to the fact that his name sounded like it should belong to one of Carmen Sandiego's henchmen, or maybe just because I was enthralled by animals and black people. You may know Randy Savage as Kevin Arnold from television's "The Wonder Years". Frustrated at not having won Winnie's affections, he would give Paul Pfeiffer the flying elbow at the end of every episode. Then the holographic doctor would materialize in the gymnasium and start shooting Ben Stein with a phaser. Mr. Savage also starred in that movie about the retarded kid who was really good at Super Mario Brothers 3. TANOOKI SOOT!!! God, I'm an idiot. In truth, Savage apparently wrestled a bunch of Wrestlemania matches against Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat. No word on whether Ricky was wearing his plush lizard suit at that time. Randy was somehow incapable of pronouncing the "h" in "Elizabeth". As wrestling kings go, Macho was only slightly less annoying than Lawler. He contributed to the former part of that "MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN/MATCH MADE IN HELL" bullshit. Wasn't the other half Hogan versus Slaughter or the Iron Sheik or Colonel Mustard or somebody? Christ. I'll reference Hogan in all 15 of my entries, I swear to god. Regardless, I don't especially care for Randy Savage. He once crushed Charles Robinson's lung, and Charles seems like an alright fella. He was also mean to Molly Holly all the time. She was known as Mona then, which makes me recall that horrible old crone from "Who's The Boss?". Blarg. To the best of my knowledge, Savage also had a hand in unleashing The Sensational Sherri on the world. Lord knows he's going to hell for that. Jesus, thinking of Sherri made me remember Sapphire. God damn you for the role you played in un-repressing my memories, Randy Savage. On the other hand, Slim Jims are pretty good, although they're more than likely made of goat anuses. So I guess that earns the Macho Man his place upon this illustrious list. Weekly Visitor is all about the meat by-products.

ChainClaw ChainClaw's Number Twelve Pick: The Maestro Macho Man. Ya know, as many stupid things as he's done (Macho King, actually having WHADDUP MACH? as an intro, etc.), I've always dug the gravelly voiced Slim Jim spokesman. He always delivered the best flying elbow in the buisness, had one of the best feuds ever with Steamboat, and was probably only one of maybe three guys you actually thought could beat Hogan in your childhood days. So it's kinda hard to even say anything bad about the guy, so in a rare occurence, I will simply say Mach earns the 12th spot, and thank god he's a notch higher than his gay gazelle riding brother. However, MY twelvth pick was the Maestro, a late 90's WCW reject. His whole gimmick was he had a smidge of class and he was REALLY into classical music. To help him get over, they tossed professional stripper/ fake sibling Ryan Shamrock(I forgot her real name) in as Rhapsody, or Harmony, or hell maybe it was Sonata or Treble Clef, who cares. she can be Bastion Booger for all I care because even having a hot chick never got the Maestro over. My favorite memory was when he was fighting SOME guy, lords knows who, it was WCW it might have been Norm Smiley. Anyway the guy brought a boombox to the ring and played rap music, this INFURIATED the Maestro, so he smashed it to pieces. I liked the skit better when it was done by the West Texas Rednecks(r.i.p Curt Hennig). However, now I'm off to pitch the idea of a wacky new sitcom starring The Maestro and Bastion Booger to the FOX people.

EIW EandC EIW EandC's Number Twelve Pick: Ludvig Borga How do you solve a problem like Maria…Macho Man? As wordy (and, even, self-indulgent) as my previous write-ups have been, all but one centered on people I really couldn’t say much about. I could talk about Macho forever (and probably will.) Macho Man is central to about a million in-jokes around my household, having a made-up career highlighted by the time he borrowed Ric Flair’s genetic laboratory and created a race of sentient beef jerky beings that shared his knowledge and experience. Mostly they said, “hoo yeah” and “please don’t snap into me.” Even when I was a markish little kid who rooted for good guys and booed bad guys, I knew Macho owned Hulk. For one thing, I actually got to see Macho wrestle since he had matches on free TV. His “Hulk Who?” gimmick sold me immediately, though I guess he was supposed to be a heel then. I was also enamored with his insane, babbling promos. They weren’t quite as repetitive as Hogan’s, and unlike Warrior’s they usually were just coherent enough to follow. His “GOBBLE GOBBLE” promo from the Perfect/Flair split angle (that I’ll cover when I cover Perfect, whom NO ONE ELSE VOTED FOR YOU EVIL SCUM) is one of about a million things I consider tied for “best thing evar.” Of all the rivals Flair has had, Macho was the only one who never, ever appeared to be less insanely angry and psyched than Naitch. But I’d better not talk about his wrestling career (which also featured some serious suckage during the “Booker Nash” era) anymore, or I could be here all night. Savage had an ingenious brother whose infomercial I’d never seen before that write-up and I’ve already seen like 3 times since. Randy loaned his voice to a so-so episode of that Monkey cartoon and a seriously kick-ass Space Ghost Coast-to-Coast where he had the class to allow his ridiculous “Macho Man” character to be mercilessly belittled. Hulk didn’t sell a Zorak chairshot when he was on. Oh, and he played Bonesaw with characteristic aplomb. Savage also appeared on this sticker you could get from a gumball machine, only he wasn’t wearing the hat or shades and it said “OH YEAH” instead of “HOO YEAH” so for a minute I thought it was just some crazy white guy. Heck, there wasn’t even a word balloon around “OH YEAH” so you couldn’t even tell he was supposed to be saying it. Man, what a load of crap. Look, do yourself a favor, and if you ever go to a carwash in rural Pennsylvania, do not go buying toys from their gumball machines. You’ll regret it. Anyway, Randy Savage will probably mostly be remembered by the world at large (and, I’m guessing, in WV’s tribute as well) as Slim Jim boy, but rest assured he is, was, and always will be better than Hogan. Ludvig Borga was a visionary. A heel ahead of his time, I shit you not. He was a guy who dumped on America for being big and bloated and full of itself and doomed to collapse under the weight of it’s own arrogance way before Bret Hart was allowed to say what he thought. While Wrestlecrap asks questions like, “When were we at war with Finland?” I could ask, “When were we at war with France? When were we at war with Germany?” Well, wait, scratch Germany. Anyway, Ludvig Borga was an effort to modernize the old Nikita Kolaff/Volkaff/La Femme Nikita villain. While the Cold War was at it’s…coldest, all you had to do to make a red-hot (red like commies omg) heel was to take some big goof who either had or could do a Russian accent, throw some tights full of hammers and sickles on their bum, and send them out there. Hell, Kolaff’s clothesline was a finisher because they could call it “The Russian Sickle,” how dumb is that? But Ludvig Borga was a big, roided-up scary dude from some European country nobody in the States gave a shit about (again, Finland) who said mean things about America. And most of the stuff he derided Americans for made sense, which really cheesed people off. It was hard to get excited about Iron Sheik saying, “USA IS NOT OK” once there wasn’t a new American hostage being shot through the head in Iran every day. But Borga really bugged people. He represented a very real attitude, and while “Ludvig” is spelled wrong and he was exceptionally goofy-looking, he was a very realistic, organic character when compared to contemporaries like The Berserker or the Warlord. The only surviving Borga promo was the one where he said we were polluting our rivers, and that one sucked. Everyone is allowed one crap promo. But the rest were pretty good by WWF standards, and the fans sure loved to see Lex Luger run out in his red, white, and blue panties to stand up for truth and justice and apple pie and cherry pie and poontang pie. Nowadays, an infinitely more charismatic guy in an All-American outfit is one of the most hated guys in the company, whatever side of the boarder he's wrestling on. Go fig. I'd say we've grown, but DX isn't a distant enough memory. Anyway, Borga had a motorcycle accident/got dismissed when it became necessary to move away from the roided-out look until the steroid trial was over, and was never heard from again. Poor guy. Looking at the Hster, Steiner and Brock, I’d say Borga would fit right in today. The accent sucked though.

Shane Spear Shane Spear's Number Twelve Pick: The Sandman I negelected to submit a write-up! O_o