Perry Saturn started his career in ECW. But, wrestling wasn't interesting at that point, so it won't be covered. Angry smarky letters can be sent here.

Instead, we pick up where wrestling was interesting, which is when the nWo angle was starting to lose steam. However, Perry Saturn had nothing to do with the nWo, as far as I know. Instead, he just came out and wrestled lower card wrestlers. Sometimes he'd win, sometimes he'd lose, and all the time nobody would care. I suppose he was an alright wrestler during that time, but he really didn't have any descernable charisma, and WCW wasn't doing anything to help matters. So, he just sort of went stale for a long period of time. Actually, I think it's just that I can't remember what the fuck he did up until his feud with Chris Jericho.

So, enter his feud with Chris Jericho. It wasn't much of a feud as far as booking goes, but damn, was it ever interesting, based entirely on the fact that it was the single feud in WCW at that point that had wrestlers that could both wrestle a match I wanted to watch. Unfortunately, there was no way WCW was getting my money, so I didn't really end up watching any of the matches, anyway.

The general premise, though, was that whoever lost the match had to wear a dress for thirty or ninety days. Perry did go on to lose, and he did go on to wrestle in house dresses and such. It was bloody awesome, because he was so built that he almost filled it out properly. At least, his man tits gave him cleavage. In any event, I think he and Chris Jericho had another match with the same stipulations, and Perry lost again.

After a while, Perry became more adventurous with his choice of dresses and began to get into a bunch of weird, gothic stuff. I think he also started wearing contact lenses so his eyes would glow. Oh, and he also kicked off WCW's rapid music stealing thing. Perry entered to a song that was basically The Beautiful People by Marilyn Manson, but without they lyrics. Now, I know DDP's original music was pretty much Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana, but after that they didn't do it for a while, and then Perry became a drag queen and all music stealing hell broke loose. Heh, some sort of hell always seems to break lose when I'm explaining things - at least wrestling related.

Anyway, at the time, Perry pretty much had the best enterance in WCW, with the obvious exception of Goldberg. But, then he went stale again, and didn't feud with anyone notable for a long time. However, during this period, one thing of no real value to anyone but myself happened: Perry gave the death valley driver to Bam Bam Bigelow. It looked fucking hilarious, because Bam Bam was like as wide as Perry was tall, and he kinda hung off the back of Perry while he was performing the move and such. All-in-all, one of the funnier things I've ever seen in my entire life, and when I became a Perry Saturn mark.

But, like I said, WCW did absolutely nothing with Perry Saturn all the way up until the point where Vince Russo first took one flew over the cuckoo's nest and jumped ship to the doomed WCW. Now don't get me wrong, if there's any one person that could have saved WCW from its all but sealed fate, it was Vince Russo. Unfortunately, he was fucked around by standards and practices and various other departments in Time Warner, and couldn't get things going properly. So, WCW stayed the course and now doesn't exist. That's not so bad, but now Vince Russo is nowhere to be seen, and that is so bad.

But I digress. When Vince Russo did first start working for WCW, Perry Saturn was immediately teamed up with Chris Benoit, Dean Malenko, and the returning Shane Douglas - so it was kinda a mixed bag for him. But, it was far more exposure than he ever had before, and beggers can't be choosers. However, soon after this clique was formed, Benoit split off to be totally independant and feud with the faction. This is how Vince Russo "groomed" new champions: push them like child birth and have them beat the shit out of every other member of the federation, then give them all the belts. The remaining members declaired a sovereign nation unto themselves. That's why you don't hang around with Shane Douglas, Perry.

But, eventually, all good things come to a close, and Perry made probably the biggest mistake in his career: he left WCW for the WWF, along with his "Radical" friends (Benoit, Malenko, and Guerrero). They came out one night on RAW and sat in the front row, then they beat the shit out of Triple H, I think. It was really stupid. Then they all went backstage and started buddying up to Mick Foley. Apparently they're supposed to be friends of his, or something? It was really poorly done, in any event. JR was having a freakin' busting a gut the whole time, though. Special point of interest: Perry debuted with a stupid hat that looks like he has an ashtray on his head - and he continued to wear it until (presumably) someone told him he's making a jackass of himself. Actaully, in retrospect, Perry and hats don't really mix properly.

Then, there was a "plot twist" (I call it a plot twist because, although riddled with holes, it could possibly be twisted, as WWF idiot bookers proved that night), and apparently Triple H gave the Radicalz contracts in exchange for them kicking Mick Foley a few times. It was a grand plan on Triple H's behalf. That's about the most exposure Perry Saturn ever received in the WWF, though. It's all downhill from there.

After all that Radicalz bullshit was over, Perry Saturn sought out to get over of his own accord. Hey, we all make mistakes, folks. I think he first started feuding with Lawler. Or maybe that was Tazz. In any event, he didn't do a lot of anything, and for some reason Terri found this attractive (although, she was married to Dustin Rhodes, so that shouldn't really be as surprising as it is). She even made new theme music for Perry based on the sounds she was used to growing up. Hahaha, my jokes aren't even based on anything anymore. I should quit while I'm still ahead.

Perry also got another new finishing move. It was about his third by this point, but his first concrete one. We knew it was a finishing move because he came out and gave it to Eddie Guerrero on the steel ramp, because. . .well. . .who knows. He's Perry Saturn. He's kinda had a reputation for doing things that would require some sort of explination, and in favor of explaining it, he'd stare at a fan (I guess) with a hollowed out look in his face.

None of this got him over, of course, and it didn't help that he kept wearing Latino Heat t-shirts. So, the WWF used the last trick up their sleeve: they gave him a stupid furry hat (and later a stupid furry tickle-trunk jacket) to wear. But, really, I think it did more harm than good. On the up side, though, he kinda ruled Metal with an iron fist. He even dropped Mike Bell on his head on one paticular episode of Metal that, for some reason, fate dictated that every member of Weekly Visitor would watch.

The WWF was impressed by his tyrrany on Metal, I guess, so they decided to bring him back to watched television. Unfortuanately, Bradshaw would have none of that, and promptly powerbombed Perry on his head, nearly killing him. The WWF was adamant in thier quest to keep Perry on WWF television, though, and worked it into an angle where - get this - Perry turns into a short bus passenger (a REEEEEEEE-TARD). His catchphrase was "You're Welcome," and he'd use it in inappropriate context like Sting's "It's showtime, folks!" catchphrase. As well, he'd say really inane stuff all the time. It was insanely funny the first two times, and then it just pretty much was annoying. . .

Except when he went out on a double date with Dean Malenko. There really was no point to this date, but it was entertaining nevertheless. The premise was that Terri (who was only vaguely Perry's girlfriend, anyway) and Dean Malenko wanted to take Perry out to let his brain heal, or something. It was really a flock of morons in that group.

So, they went out on a double date. Dean managed to find some daft supermodel or something. He's a whoreable date, though. They kinda sat semi-circle around a table (Dean's idea, so could get his face on TV, no doubt) with Dean on one end and his date on the other. Fuckin' moron. Anyway, Perry managed to win the supermodel's heart by telling her a little joke. The idea is that they count back and forth, starting at one with Perry, saying "I # the garbage can." Now, the way I learned it in grade one was "I # some shit," but obviously that's a little too high brow for Perry. Eventually, the supermodel got number eight, and she said "I eight the garbage can" (some of you slower Hooker fans out there might wanna say that aloud). This prompted Perry to start screaming that she ate the garbage can. It was some dope shit.

I don't really remember what else happened that was funny there, but I know I'm missing some stuff. The promo came to an end when Perry got hit in the head with a silver tray. I can't remember how, but I remember it was incredibly contrived. Actually, I think they were going to hit the supermodel. Like I said, flock of morons.

Shortly thereafter, Dean and Perry had a tag match against The Dudley Boyz, and Perry was stealing the Dudley glasses and stuff, then did the Wazzzzzzzup to Dean, and lost the match. He cut himself doing this, too. God only knows how. Probably from hanging around Benoit too much.

And then he had a hardcore match with Raven, I believe. In the match, he took a liking to a mop (that he broke over Raven's body). He called the mop Moppy, and went even more insane. Nothing really came of bringing the mop to ringside, but Terri sure got pissed off, and gave Perry an ultimatum: her or the mop. Perry chose the mop, in his best career decision of all time. That mop got him more over than Terri ever did.

Then someone stole Moppy the next show. Surprise, surprise. Man, is it just me, or does surprise always look like it's spelled wrong?

They didn't build on the missing Moppy for a long time, and then out of nowhere Raven had it, and he put it in a woodchipper. Unfortunately, Raven's really stupid, and it didn't go through properly at first. It did eventually go through, but it took its sweet time. Then Perry beat up Raven on some paper-view.

After this, Perry shaved his beard, and now he looks like a whole new person. Unfortunately, we never see him on watched television any more, so I don't really know that's him for sure.

Now, suggestion for improvement: drop more people on their heads. Start with Stephanie.