Viewed May 2, 2003
Rebeaker: TNM
Note that this rebeak contains nothing but spoilers about a) the movie X2 and b) how fucking fat I am. In fact, I'm just going to give everything away and I'll probably get sued, so don't read this if you haven't seen the movie and ever plan to. Actually, nobody should read this at all, because it's long and boring and stupid.
I thought it would be prudent to view the moving picture "X-Men 2" by taking a leisurely jaunt down to the local moving picture establishment, mostly because I lack the basic skills required to "pilot a vehicle" or "be a productive member of society". I'm also not "photogenic"... I'm not a "people person"... I don't "brush my teeth"... I have the "social skills" of a "gibbon"... I steal "shitty SNL bits" from "fat, dead comedians"... But you get the picture.
But, invariably, problems arose. Because I move with all the speed and grace of The Big Show's re-animated corpse, time was of the essence. Were I a vehicle in the Star Wars CCG universe, I would have a landspeed of 0. It quickly became apparent that the mile-and-a-half or so walk to the theater was more exercise than I'd had in, oh, say, MY ENTIRE LIFE. Upon checking my shitty Indiglo watch, I realized that a paraplegic ground sloth had a better chance of making the movie on time than I did. The universe had jobbed me out yet again. "Blown up", to borrow a term, I promptly collapsed in a pile of grass until a gang of local hoodlums stole my FUBUs.
I made that last part up, but I really do wear FUBUs. It's sad. But I would overcome. My feet more blistered than Kane's genitals, I Hulked up, staggering to a nearby Casey's general store and purchasing a pitcher of "Gatorade Strawberry Ice" from some Mexican. I had no idea what it was, but it was pretty good. The energy drink prevented my death and gave me enough chutzpah to waddle to the theater for a later showing.
There I sat, in the company of such luminaries as "Can't Stop Talking On My Cellphone Lad" and "Eats Her Popcorn Straight Out Of The Fucking Feedbag Like A Horse Woman". Weren't they in the West Coast Avengers? I myself purchased no refreshments, because while I'm fucking fat, I'm also fucking cheap. Some guy entering my row asked "Can I slide through here"? Who do I look like, "LORD USHARR, OVERSEER OF PUNY MORTALS AND THEIR THEATER SEATING"? It's a free country, dude. At least, it used to be. Haha, little Patriot Act humor there. My only source of entertainment was the movie screen, which related delightful tidbits about how Johnny Depp used to sell ball-point pens. Sofa knows the score.
Previews. That CGI Hulk looks incredibly shitty. And he stole Kwee-Wee's catchphrase. As a fat nerd, I think I'm supposed to like The Matrix, but I'm just not feelin' it, yo. Are those two albino guys supposed to be John Travolta from Battlefield: Earth? The only good part was when Keanu Reeves got accosted by 500 Elronds. Legally Blonde 2 actually does exist. JG and I probably could have starred in it if only we'd applied to that modeling company that advertises on Smackdown. Some Farrelly Brothers piece of shit in which Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear are Siamese twins. I hope Greg Kinnear gets cancer. Finally, Sean Connery is an Extraordinary Gentleman.
And thus the movie began. A baby immediately started crying. Babies should be made illegal. Anyway, the thing starts at the White House, with some tour lady talking about how much Abraham Lincoln would have loved mutants. The opening scene is probably the best, as FUCKING NIGHTCRAWLER tries to ASSASSINATE THE PRESIDENT. Those filthy Germans and their terrorism. Or is he from Austria? Switzerland, maybe. I'm not quite nerdy enough to know. In a SHOCKING lack of continuity, the president was not portrayed by G-DUB. Anyway, Kurt BAMFS everywhere with blue smoke and a really cute noise that doesn't sound much like BAMF, but onomatopoeia is relative, really. Alan Cumming is so awesome and gay. My only disappointment was that nobody bitched about how much Nightcrawler makes everything fucking stink. He almost stabs the president with his "MOOTANT PRIDE" knife, but some Baldo shoots him and he's forced to escape.
Wolverine hangs out with some wolf at the busted-ass Weapon X facility. Nothing comes of it.
Okay, I don't have the slightest idea of what order the scenes were in by this point. The X-Mens were all at some museum for NORMS. Jean Grey went all Phoenix-crazy with the hearing of everyone's thoughts and what have you. Some filthy hooligans wanted Pyro's lighter to spark up one of their "funny cigarettes", but Pyro wouldn't give it because he's a complete dick. He's not even a dirty Limey in the movie, either. That SUCKS. Grubby swipes the lighter, and Pyro responds by making his fag explode. He probably would have really called it a fag if he was English or whatever he's supposed to be. Wasted opportunities. The hoodlum's hoody sweatshirt catches on fire until that incredibly awful guy who plays Iceman puts him out. With ice. That guy was on Animorphs. I hate that guy. Professor X MAKES TIME STOP and tells the punk teenagers to stop being such dicks in front of the public.
Our (fairly weak) villain is a Mr. William Stryker, "miltary scientist", who I think was a jobber on Sunday Night Heat before enlisting. He hates mutants and bitches about them to the president. But fake Senator Kelly bitches about the bitching about mutants. He's really Mystique, who goes on to do a whole lot of other relatively unimportant shit, but I wasn't paying attention because I'm not a very big fan of Uncle Jesse's wife. At one point she escaped capture by posing as a Mexican janitor. RACIST. We learn somewhere in here that Stryker's son is a mutant who used to go to Xavier's School for Original Gangstas. Stryker wanted Charles to "cure" him, but Xavier ain't all about that, dawg. The son ended up going crazy and running off or something. Oh, and Lady Deathstrike is established in the stereotypical role of Stryker's Asian henchwoman. She's played by that bitch from The Scorpion King. HU.
Wolverine returns from his trip to Canadia with no answers. Xavier bitches at him about smoking a cigar, so he snuffs it in his hand because he's HARD, YO, HARD LIKE JOHN CENA. Logan wants Charles to probe his mind for more sssssecrets about his past, but Xavier's a big puss about it. Parallels are drawn between Wolverine and Stryker's son, and how the former might turn EEEEVIL if Xavier's crappy guidance goes awry. In conclusion, Charles uses Cerebro to learn that Nightcrawler was the one who almost ICED TEH PREZ, and sends Storm and Jean after him. Meanwhile, Xavier and Cyclops will go talk to Magneto for no real reason, simply because Magneto is awesome.
Nightcrawler is located in some chapel. ACHTUNG ACHTUNG HEIR IST ALEX WRIGHT he starts yelling in German. Jean and Storm discover that he was under Stryker's HEEL mind control serum, which is another shitty plot point. Stryker kinda sucks. He was earlier seen using the serum on Magneto to discover the sssssecrets of Cerebro. Anyway, Nightcrawler is established as a nice guy because he likes Jesus and mutilates his body in the name of the Arcangel Edge.
In the crazy glass chess prison, Magneto and Xavier have a powwow before getting gassed by Strykers's goons. Cyclops fucks everybody's shit up before jobbing to Lady Deathstrike. I should note that all these glass prison scenes have guards beating Magneto with crazy plastic nightsticks and shooting off crazy plastic guns and it's retardedly awesome.
Iceman eats some Baskin Robbins. It's all about product placement. Wolverine tries to score some beer from him, but no dice. With all the power playaz gone, Stryker's stryke force (oh ho ho ho ho) takes the opportunity to ATTAX. They tranq some Harry Potter-looking kid. Shadowcat runs through a bunch of shit, and Siryn screams. Siryn rules. Wolverine starts fucking killing everyone, which also rules. COLOSSUS gets all METALED UP and knocks some dudes through the wall. I quickly stopped marking out when I learned HE'S NOT EVEN FUCKING RUSSIAN!!!! Or if he is, he doesn't talk like it, which ruins everything anyway. Fuck. I'm surprised they didn't make Nightcrawler hail from Sarasota. Colossus helps the childrens escape and is practically NEVER HEARD FROM AGAIN. Not that I minded, really. Fucking non-Communist. Wolverine recognizes Stryker from someplace but can't remember much more than that. He eventually runs away with Rogue, Iceman, and Pyro. Rogue and Iceman are in love, by the way, but who the hell cares. And Stryker steals Cerebro.
Mystique probably did some more shit by now. At one point she was HAXORING a list of mutants and I SAW GAMBIT'S NAME. I thought he was supposed to be in this? Liars. It's probably for the best. They would have given him a Brooklyn accent and I would have exploded into a dorkfit with the frenzied scribbling of letters to the editor and the like. Mystique also HEEL TRICKS some drunken hillbilly guard from the wacky glass prison. She puts ROOFIES in his beer and stabs him in the ass with a needle. Really.
Oh yeah, Xavier. He was taken to Stryker's crazy base after the gassing. Stryker needed both Charles and Cerebro for his fantastically contrived and moronic plan. Being the most powerful mind on the planet, it seems that if Xavier puts on his fancy Cerebro hat and THINKS ABOUT YOU TOO HARD, you will DIE. Stryker wants to make him think about MUTANTS so mutants will DIE. Dumb. He plans to do this by using the talents of his crazy lobotomized, Drozzled son. I think he was Mastermind, even though Mastermind is supposed to be like 90. His name is "Jason" and he has crazy mismatched eyes, so whatever. Droz sends Xavier into crazy fantasy town to make him think he has to use Cerebro and save the world or something.
Later in nutty prison, we find out that Mystique implanted traces of metal in drunken hillbilly's ass, made evident by Magento's hilarious joke about "2 MUCH IRON IN UR BLOOD, LOLLERZ". He RIPS the little metal shavings out of Drunkard's chest and uses them to make some totally sweet-ass ball bearings. In the second-best scene, Erik uses his little zippy spheres to squash everybody and shatter all the glass like STONE COLD, STONE COLD, MAH GAWD, KING. Then he hovers around on a little trash can lid thing like Static Shock. I love you, Gandalf.
Logan and the stupid teenagers retreat to Iceman's crib in BAAAAWSTON. Drake's family doesn't know he's a fucking freak, by the by. He makes out with Rogue for awhile because he's a complete idiot. Doesn't die, though. Wolverine bogarts Iceman's dad's Miller Genuine Draft and has the cat lick his claws, which everybody thought was uproariously funny for some reason. I guess cat tongues are more indestructible than adamantium. PLOTHOLES, PPL. Bobby's whitebread family comes home and he has to come out of the mutated closet, as it were. He partially does so by freezing the tea his mom was drinking, which was kind of mean. Fucking mutants always ruining everybody's beverages. Iceman's little brother calls the PO-PO because he's an asshole.
The fuzz show up and SHOOT WOLVERINE IN THE HEAD. Pyro finally takes a break from his "OOH, ANGSTY TEEN" persona to ROAST SOME PIGS, LOL. But they don't even die, which is incredibly stupid. Logan's healing factor takes its sweet fucking time in pushing the bullet out of his brains. Then Jean, Storm, and Nightcrawler rescue the mutants in the "jet", which HAS A FUCKING NAME, EXCUSE ME. A couple of air force queers give chase. Jean can only partially deflect their missiles as she gets crazy Phoenix eyes. Rogue falls out of the busted-ass Blackbird because she UNBUCKLED HER SEATBELT LIKE A MORON. Nightcrawler BAMFS to save her. Rogue got to do even less than STORM in this movie.
The jet almost crashes, but Magneto makes the save while simultaneously telling the X-Men how much they suck. Erik knows about Stryker's asinine plan to kill mutants, so he and the faces collaborate on a plan to stop it. Mystique is Nightcrawler's mother, right? Gross. Oh yeah, earlier was a really brief snippet of DR. HENRY MCCOY whining about something on TV. He was too handsome. He should have had big freaky hamfists. Logan macks on Jean but she loves Cyclops. Bryan Singer apparently doesn't, as homedawg got NO airtime. Instead of beating around the bush like Xavier, Magento tells Wolverine that Stryker was responsible for his adamantium skeleton. And his base is UNDER the Weapon X ruins. On the way there, Pyro makes fun of Magento's "dorky-lookin'" helmet, and the pair share a bonding moment over Pyro's retarded shark lighter.
Mystique hogs more screen time and gets the ball rolling by allowing the others to enter Stryker's underground dam thing. Storm and Nightcrawler go rescue the captured mutant children while Jean has to battle zombie Cyclops. She goes insane again and squashes him, making him snap out of it and cry like a girl. Cyclops probably got 20 minutes of face time and was crying for 18 of them. He should cry big ruby quartz tears. Anyhow, Jean's hissyfit also causes the dam to start crumbling and whatnot. I wish she would go make that planet of asparagus men explode.
Elsewhere, Wolverine gets into a pissing match with fatty Stryker. He sics Lady Deathstrike on her, who also has adamantium fingernails and a healing factor apparently. I thought those two were supposed to get married? Whatever, I can't keep all the Japs straight. Wolverine kills her via ADAMANTIUM OVERDOSE. He then chases Stryker outside and yells at him some more. Stryker says that Logan participated in the Weapon X project voluntarily and was kind of a dick beforehand. But he's CHAAAAANGED, MAAAAN. Stryker wants Wolverine to join him, but he instead heads back into the LABORATORY to save his friends from the broken-ass dam.
Xavier's retarded "I'M THINKING ABOUT YOU" brain shockwave makes all the mutants start freaking out, but Magneto breaks into Cerebro and puts a stop to it. Because he's so HEEL, he has Mystique mimic Stryker and order Mastermind to make Charles think about HUMANS. Magneto hits the bricks and makes fun of the real Stryker for suffering from Xavier's dumb attack. Pyro joins up wit' tha bruthahood because he's such a REBEL/SHITTY CHARACTER. Nobody really cares.
Things wind down as God helps Nightcrawler teleport Storm into Cerebro's little house. She stops the attack on Hew-mons by, uh... making Mastermind cold. Yeah. This whole underground lair thing was sort of a shitty climax. The ceiling starts collapsing because of Jean's earlier retardation, so Nightcrawler BAMFS everybody but Mastermind out. That's mean. Rogue crashes the Blackbird because the writers had nothing better for her to do. Everybody climbs aboard, but it won't take off due to lack of POWAR. The dam breaks, threating to drown everyone, apparently. I bet Iceman or Storm could have stopped the water if they weren't so fucking lazy. It did apparently kill Stryker, and I hope to God that he doesn't recur. Realizing that she's better than everyone else except Nightcrawler because she was in GoldenEye, Jean takes matters into her own hands. She goes outside and telekinetically makes the jet lift off somehow whilst preventing all attempts at rescue. Everybody watches from a safe distance as she's overtaken by the flood. Cyclops and Wolverine hug and cry forever because they're ignorant and don't even read their own comic book.
The X-Men beat feet to Washington because the president is about to tell the nation to start busting caps in mutants. They convince him to stop drinkin' the Haterade. Then it's back to Westchester, where Colossus is all "DASVIDANYA, COMRADES! I'M BACK FOR 10 SECONDS OF SCREENTIME!" Well, that's what he would have said if he got any DIALOGUE. And was RUSSIAN. Fuckers. Wolverine lets Summers know that Jean wouldn't knock boots with him because she chose Cyclops. The final scene gives us a look at the flooded Canadian forest which Dark Phoenix will soon come screaming out of to lay the smackdown on asparagus planet.
Final Thoughts: It had its problems, but it was good. Although I'm a horrible judge of movies. I personally liked it well enough, probably more than the first one, mainly based on the addition of Nightcrawler and 30 seconds of Colossus. Cumming and McKellen carried it most of the way, in fact. I doff my cap to you, you gay, European kings of men. I hope they get MARRIED. Maybe the X3 cast should be comprised entirely of homosexuals.