For a day upon which I was awakened by a phone call from Carla, things sure went downhill pretty thoroughly. Nothing like working eighteen hours in the span of two days at your dead-end job while watching your favorite hobby die off right before your eyes. So, basically, I'm in the proper mood for this. Let the grid go down, Lord.

The Blog To End All Blogs: So I've been having myself a bit of a week. You should not read this part. Began with a "promotion" to Crew Leader down at the old roast beefery, which, as I understand it, involves wearing a black shirt and rounding up a band of scurvy pirates. In search of One Piece of succulent roast beef. It's me and Carla, which can only end in MARRIAGE. Although she becomes a manager literally like tomorrow, so that makes no sense. Then came Nintendogs, featuring such luminaries as Mack the Husky who frequently wears a Viking Helmet while coming to get it awwwn, Jazz the Wiener-Dog (THE BITCH IS BACK), and Rue the Yorkie who would reside in a bag were that option available to me. Mack can do a kip-up, which is pretty damn awesome. Still to come are some sort of insane yappy dog named Josh and a Boxer named "Orlando." I will teach him his name by shouting it in a JBL voice. Next was the big 2-3, which saw me stick out my tongue like Michael Jordan as I passed out and hit my head on the coffee table. To the familial get-together, I wore the Carlito shirt and bright red shorts (TOO SEXY.) I spit on the cake, of people, who don't want to wear a little birthday hat. The party was started off right/quickly when my mother was immediately accosted by some variety of Medicare insurance snake-oil salesman who had been hassling my grandmother mere moments ago. This caused my uncle, who is exactly like me (moderately intelligent, socially maladjusted, worked at Krogers all his life) except for the fact that he's about 200% more likely to lose his shit and start shooting up Aisle Six one day, to poke his head out the door and demand that the solicitor leave. When the salesman failed to do so, my uncle yelled "GO!!!" or something and started storming out like he was going to whip that A, which is already hilarious because my uncle is named Lindsay and always wears Bob Orton checkered shirts with dozens of used Kleenex falling out of the pockets. This caused the Medicare dude to reply "Goodness!" in his best Jim and Foxy voice and beat a hasty retreat. Fantastic. And that brings us to the Weekend Moratorium, where I'm still not sure if I should a) be sad, b) not care, c) pass out and hit my head on the coffee table. None of the above, fuck it, cut the cord.

The Naughtzi Party v. TURN UP THAT J-POP

YOU KILLED THE JEWS DUH-DUH-DUH-DUHN. Evil heel music to start us off is fitting because Regal and Burchill killed Velocity/the guest. "Born Naughty" is such an inappropriate catchphrase for that whole Stupidtron experience. It's like Darth Vader telling us that he's a "widdle rascal" and nibbling impishly on his fingertip while the Imperial March plays. That reminds me that we should scrap Extreme March next year and have Imperial March. In which Nik is force-choked for failing to reveal the secret of Easter. SHE DEPLOYS FOR FREE!!! I'll start talking about Velocity one of these days. Maybe Monday.

Ready? O-Kay! *clap* Our hosts are If My Fate Is To Die, I Must Simply Laugh (HAHA YEAH) and It Is My Dearest Wish That This Show End With A Shot Of Bill Demott Sitting Bolt Upright In Bed And Realizing That The Entire Existence Of Steve Romero Was Nothing More Than A Feverish Nightmare. Romero's adjectives for Regal and Burchill are "nasty and notorious," while Scotty and Funaki are "fun and fantastic." Okay. Josh: "WELL SOMEBODY CALL MY MAMA!!!" Okay. Romero: "Why's that?" Josh: "I honestly... don't know. I never knew!" If this is the equivalent of him po'ing out a fo'ty for fallen announce homies on the big green curb, I'm all for it. Josh tells us that Burchill got his "first assist" when he burst onto the Velocity scene to help Regal beat up Scotty. And now he's dishing dimes on the level of your Mark Jindraks.

You know who hates children? Paul Birchill. Funaki, on the other hand, is Friend To All Children, so let us begin. Funaki jumps around. Lockup, Burchill shoves him away via power. The crowd claps for the jobberweights while Regal and Scotty do dueling sassy dances on the apron. Lockup, Funaki wrings the arm. Josh thinks the deciding factor in this match will be "real estate." Luther Reigns must have given him one of his cards. Josh was like "Gimme one of them cards. I've had cards before." I can already tell that I'm not going to get anything done tonight. So Funaki's wringin' that arm, but Burchill takes it to a headlock, then a takedown. Maintaining the hold. Sho Money stands and attempts to power free with a wristlock. He takes Burchill down? Well, that's dumb. Armbar by Funaki. Paul pulls the hair to force Funaki into the corner. But nobody puts Funaki in the corner, so he ducks an eat attack and gets a big hiptoss. Armdrag back to the armbar. More hair pulling, whipped off, back elbow ducked, Funaki can't whip him, clothesline ducked, armdrag back to the armbar. Twisty until Paul yanks him down by the hair/neck. Neck hair. Tag to William, who is fakily booed. Funaki attempts a drop toehold, but Regal won't go down. So Sho grabs his arm and wiggles around for an armwringer. Tag to Scotty, who does a dipshit dance before kicking the arm. Wring it. Wring it. Regal reverses, but Scotty somersaults, kips-up, and reverses. To a side headlock, whipped off, and William falls to a shoulderblock. Scotty marks out for himself. Off the ropes, Scotty hops over, then clings to the ropes, causing Regal to do this hilarious, stumbling "I SAY, WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS???" dance where I guess he was supposed to be confused and off-balance by the way Scotty pulled up short to avoid his move, but I have no idea what move it was going to be. Scotty trips him up, causing another comical yell. Scampering along Regal's back to hit the ropes and deliver a flying forearm. Kip-up! Shades of my Nintendog! Pop-And-Lock! Shades of that guy who did that!

Regal gets perturbed by all the dancing, but Scotty ducks his attack and tomahawk chops him on the head like a douche. Side headlock, raising the roof, god I wish Scotty was dead. Give it another go, cancer. There's a good lad. Regal kicks at Funaki with his toe while in the headlock, which is funny. Sho gets all uppity like a dumbshit, allowing Regal to shoot Scotty into Burchill's forearm to the back of the neck. Not like Jim Korderas really would have cared. William flattens his opponent with a forearm smash to the face. Knee-choking as Paul is tagged in for stomps. European uppercuts. Mauling in the corner. Steve thinks Josh could last thirty seconds with Benoit. Romero: "You're quick! Fast! Think you can run around for that long?" Josh: "No." Burchill drags Scotty out of the corner and drops an elbow. Josh: "Paul Burchill, Shades Of Poker Face..." I love you more than bunnies. The thing about Josh is that he probably realizes all this is meaningless in the long run and that the only people who really care about tonight's show are the loyal nerds who pass out and hit their heads on the water cooler Monday morning when Akio beats Paul London with his own motherfucking tassels, so he's going to come with the shoutouts. God bless him.

Scotty got covered for two, but Shades Of Poker Face shall not slip by unnoticed. Romero: "And wh... what did you say?" Josh: "Never mind." Parents just don't understand. Scotty's head meets the turnbuckle. Burchill tags out and restrains Scotty so Regal can measure his kick to the ribs. Forearm to the face. Series of kneelifts leads to a butterfly suplex. 1, 2, no. 1, 2, no. 1, 2, no. Knee-strangulation, tag to Burchill. Paul drops knees on the ribs. Back suplex, 1, 2, no. Romero said "2 Hotty" stupidly like it's Scotty's last name. 2 Hotty, Scotty is how he's listed in the phone book. Burchill prepares some hooliganism until Scotty starts punching. Paul puts a stop to that with a kneelift. Stompdown. Front chancery to prevent a tag. The crowd rallies behind Scotty, but they're headed for the villainous corner. We discuss all the sass Sharmell talks to Sharmell's Husband, Booker T. Josh: "It happens to me all the time! My soon-to-be wife, my fiancee, always says to me 'Why do you let Steve Romero talk? Wh-why? Just tell the guy not to talk! You just talk for sixty minutes!'" Perhaps we misjudged RUe. Romero: "I leave it right down the middle of the plate, and you don't miss it." Crazy Josh's Wheelhouse And Rims. Scotty's still struggling for that tag, but Burchill boots Funaki's fat fingers. Scotty responds with a crappy backdrop/northern lights suplex. Hotty tag to Funaki, who comes off the top rope with a flying crossbody. Forearm smash knocks William off the apron. Burchill's clothesline is ducked, and there's a backdrop. Front dropkick for Regal, hairpull bulldog for Paul. Here, Regal, hold my foot, enzuigiri. Josh: "Let the bodies hit the floor!" Jumpity dance while Scotty returns to scrap with Regal. And gets backdropped to the floor. Good job, Scotty. Josh: "I gotta say, IT'S BREAKIN' DOWN ON VELOCITY!" Hit your high spots, kid. Burchill's getting set up for the Rising Sun, but Regal catches him over the shoulder. He and Burchill team up to break Funaki in half with a double shoulderbreaker on the knees. Fujiwara armbar by Burchill. DON'T SAY THE NAME OF THAT MOVE FUNAKI MIGHT UNDERSTAND YOU. He lasts awhile, but ultimately taps the hell out. Like Ultimate Dragon taught him. DUHN-DUHN-DUHHHHN. Why are you making the Melodramatic Douche Pose, Burchill? Wanker.

Big Vito and Nunzio face Super Crazy and Psicosis later. Nunzio's graphic is funny because he looks at the Cruiserweight Championship and gives this little look of surprise like "DUH HUH EVEN I FORGOT I HAD THIS THING OVAH HEAH."

Commercials. A History Of Violence. YOUR HUSBAND IS ARAGORN LADY HE ONCE KILLED A TROLL. Weekly Visitor has a long history with those stupid Sly Cooper games. Hangin' With Mr. Sly Cooper.

I suspect a bug of crawling on me.

Last Night, Randy Orton came out and had a funeral for The Undertaker? Oh, Vince Russo, what have you wrought? I literally have no idea what happened on Smackdown. Randy addressing him as "father" is funny. The Undertaker is not fast, Randy. Orton has the ability to play mindgames. Like Mindsweeper. OH IT WASN'T A MANNEQUIN IT'S THE REAL UNDERTAKER IT'S BECAUSE THERE IS NO MANNEQUIN. Suddenly. This is like the movie with the mannequin where the mannequin came to life. I believe it was called "Amistad." Hooray for stupid monk chants during the No Mercy graphics! It's a Handicap Casket Match, in which two caskets square off against one. Who is Josh calling "sweetheart"?

Commercials. How can The Burger King play for both the Ravens and the Vikings? Are there two? Like the Barber twins? Coppola's masterpiece features Brando shouting "DID YOU NOT KNOW THAT I AM THE MAN???" $1,000 to break his full-nelson is an offer you cannot refuse.

The Juicy Drop Pop Slam of the Week is Lash Leroux or whoever defeating Simon Dean. DRINK MILK PLAY AGAIN

DRINK SEMEN PLAY AGAIN v. Originator Of The Ninja Chokeout

Romero: "I love this music!" Maybe there's hope for him yet. Nah. I wish that Noble was here so that Josh could scream some more of his catchphrases. Spanky's back to his itsy-bitsy pantsies. Oh, Def Russell Simpson, you are the least interesting of recurring jobbers. Isn't Dux rehabbed yet? Lockup, side headlock by Kendrick. Josh talks about these two facing each other in Japan. They tolerate this boring-ass dude in Japan? Simpson's wringing the arm, but Spanky pirouettes out fruitfully and eventually gets a fireman's carry takeover. To a Ninja Chokeout. Josh, being a weirdo: "You would think that Brian Kendrick, with all this high-powered offense, that he wouldn't be shy! But, you know what, he is shy! Brian Kendrick actually never went to his high school prom because he was too shy to ask a girl!" Bat off the shoulder, bat off the shoulder... OH GOD I JUST LOOKED IT INTO THE GLOVE. Paul London cut out the middleman and asked a Shyguy. No, I don't know how that was cutting out the middleman, exactly. Shut up, I'll say what I want. This is MY pity party, and I certainly don't remember sending you an invitation, Fat Stuff.

Romero ended up making a lame gay joke, so now I'm glad that Coach didn't give me the green light, kiiid. Least Def whips Spanky out of a side headlock, but Kendrick slides through the legs. Side headlock, then a takedown. Russell counters with a legscissors and smacks his own thigh homosexually. "I GOT HIM NOW!" You sure do, Russell Simpson. Spanky does that adorable "Hop To The Left, Hop To The Right" handspring escape. Indy Respect. Test Of Strength? No, Spanky steps over to reapply the headlock. What a shenanigan. Russell plows him into the corner. Clean break? No, back elbow. Josh talks about Spanky's "West Coast Offense," totally screwing up my baseball theme. MNM uses the West Coast Offense. Armbar by Russ, whipped off, but Spankity falls to the shoulderblock. Off the ropes, Simpson hops over, Spanky leapfrogs, and Russell gets taken out by a flying crossbody. Dropkick by Kendrick. Nobody home for his dumb running splash in the corner. Russell kills him with a clothesline to the back of the neck. Stompings. Let's talk up Bobby Lashley. Knee to the jaw, 1, 2, no. Smashing him into the mat by the hair. Again. 1, 2, no. Doesn't Nick Patrick have more important things to do than be here and say "Get off the man's hair!"

Elbow to the back of Kendrick's head. Arranging him on the top turnbuckle to bend his back along the top rope with some strangulation. Snapmare, cravat. Spanky stands and chucks him down by the wrists. Back elbow by Kendrick. Off the ropes, flying forearm. Jabs and whatnot. Russell's drunken swings do not connect. Josh: "Well, Brian Kendrick has that never-quit attitude..." Hahahahaha. Josh, you are a character. Whip, leaping leg lariat. Dopey corner splash hits this time. Corner whip reversed, Spanky slings over Russell's charge, and does a one-footed version of the Tiger Mask Flippy Thing that doesn't look very good. Backdrop. DO A BARREL ROLL!!! 1, 2, 3. I think Barrel Rolls involved the R-Trigger, even. Wow, that one fan sure likes Spanky. Oops, he fell out of the ring. Spanky. Not the fan. He was never in the ring, you see.

Why the hell is the RAW Rebound on Velocity? WWE Homecoming. I hope we win The Big Game. I hear John Cena is pulling for Local Sports Team. Cena vs. Bischoff. Other legends will be in attendance. Moolah, uh, Chief Jay Strongbow or Wahoo McDaniel or some Injun, Maybe One Of The Buddies?, Snuka, Billy Graham, Valentine, Piper, Hillbilly Jim, Volkoff, Duggan, Koko B. Ware? Or Jimmy Hart in blackface?, Iron Sheik, Mae Young, oh, there's Jimmy Hart. Man, Piper doesn't rate. Edge vs. Hardy in a Loser Leaves RAW Ladder Match.

Commercials. What is this, the second break? Plodding right along. Ultimate Fight Guy: "I should have punched him in his *bleep* *bleep*" I'm pretty sure you can still say "face" on TV. Shades Of Poker *bleep*. Melina *bleep*.

AHHH REY MYSTERIO FACES ACCOSTING ME AT A HIGH RATE OF SPEED WITH THEIR TONGUES HANGING OUT!!! I give this stereo a rating of: "Poor". Does Booyaka 619 sample the fucking Cops theme? Is that a photo of a young Rey trying to ride a goat? Who's that jumpin' off tha goat?

Back to Smackdown, where the Superfriends were set to team up until Eddie fell ill. You can tell she's a nurse because she's in a nurse's outfit. Wow, she's cute, though. Stop grabbing your friend's bosom, Eddie. Man, Dr. Barnett has Jim and Foxy mannerisms. Eddie: "*shifty homosexual eyes*" What job is that, Dave? He's a proctologist, an eye doctor. To the match. Uh, that was The Worst Superkick In The History Of Our Great Sport, Nitro. Why isn't Melina yelling more? There she goes. Eddie got better. Batista vs. Eddie at No Mercy. The official theme is Shinedown's "Save Me." Where do they find these bands? Is Chris Jericho a member of each one?

That dumb match I've seen once and no longer care about is next.

Commercials. Blorg.

The Serenity Rewing is JBL and a damn horse. A damn horse, King!

Don't Let Them In Because They're Trying To Take Your TV Set v. Balls Of Meat

Crazy sure likes that miniature Mexican flag. Is that supposed to be a hedgeclippers pantomime, Psicosis? Gay jacket, Vito. I Like Dick Jacket. Steve says it's a flashback to some movie I've never heard of in my entire life. Lords of something, starring a young Sylvester Stallone. Josh: "I think it's before everyone in our viewing audience's time!"

Josh: "Most, most of my... time is spent doing geography." Crazy starts with Vito. Scampering around. Lockup, Vito drives him into the corner and wigs out. Referee Brian Hebner tries to force a break. Crazy ends up blocking a punch and landing his own shot, but Vito still whacks him. Stomping a pizza piehole. Whip, clothesline by Vito. Josh pretends like he and Steve talk about upcoming Velocity matches during the commercial break. Juvi gets lippy on the apron, so Vito decks him. Driving Crazy's arm across the top rope. Smacking it. Tag to Nunzio, who drops off the apron to hotshot the arm. Up top, flying crossbody, but Crazy rolls the pin over and gets two. Nunzio pops up and kicks him. Off the ropes, head down too soon, sunset flip attempt, but Crazy rolls clear and busts Nunzio with a front dropkick to the face. Slow to cover, 1, 2, no. Stomp, then a tag to Psicosis. Awesome rolling leglace powerbomb again. Nunzio's like "OH GOD I AM TWITCHIN' OVAH HEAH." 1, 2, no. Nunzio retaliates with enough hugging to force Psicosis into the corner. Here's Vito for punches 'n such. Back elbow. Whip, eat attack. Whip reversed, Juvi grabs the foot, and Psicosis nails a dropkick from behind. Juventud drags Vito around and stomps him, but here comes Nunzio. Psicosis wipes out both Eye-Talians with a twisting corkscrew pescado! Wops out. I guess I don't need to say both "twisting" and "corkscrew." Department Of Redundancy Department. Shut up, Stuart Scott.

Commercials. Honk.

We return to find Vito in Psicosis' armbar. Whipped off, cheap kick by Nunzio because they have everyday low prices down at the Pizza Hut. Nunzio asks "Whaddaya gonna do?" and Psicosis says "I am going to enzuigiri you in the head" in so many words. Zero. Nunzio falls off the apron like a goon. Ow, nice mafia kick by Vito. Psicosis falls beside Nunzio like a goon. Nunzio gets up to add stomps. Chucking Psi back in for Vito's kneedrop. Scoop slam, off the ropes, jumping elbowdrop. 1, 2, no. Front chancery, tag to Nunzio, double whip, double hiptoss. Nunzio sits on Psicosis for two. Arrrrmbarrr. Juvi fires up the crowd because the Mexicools are faces on Velocity just like Coach hates Kerwin on Heat. Psicosis stands and begins the bustin' loose process. "Mexicools" chant. Whip reversed, Psicosis slings up to get the corner roll-up for dos. Nunzio answers with a kneelift. Here's Vito, who I now realize has a Juzam Djinn on his panties. Or a bull or something. FBI hand-me-downs. Vito stomped, I think. I forgot already. Randy Orton chest clubbers. Pinches of parmesan. Dumb, half-straitjacket chokeout. Psicosis fights it until Vito hauls him down by the hair.

Back to Nunzio for a free kick to the ribs. Clubber. Psicosis answers with a chop and gets his eyes raked. Clumsiness precedes a blocked turnbuckle smash. It's Nunzio's head who hits it, but Vito lands a suckerpunch. Nunzio flops into a cover for two. Snapmare, armbar. Juvi's spazzing out. Psicosis breaks free again. Diving for a tag, but Nunzio catches and dumps him. Now a spinning heel kick by Psicosis. Haha, the way Crazy's grabbing the tip of the tag rope makes it look like he's holding a tiny joint. IT'S NOT MINE, MAN, I WAS JUST HOLDING IT FOR JUVI, I SWEAR. A drop toehold on Nunzio leads to a hot tag. En fuego. Crazy takes out Vito with a nutty flying forearm. Clothesline on Nunzio, back elbow on Vito. Dropkicks for everybody. Off the ropes, tilt-a-whirl headscissors on The Nunz. Backdrop on Vito. Bad second rope moonsault on Nunzio. 1, 2, Vito saves. Psicosis returns for brawleries. Double diez-count punchalong, but Vito turns his into an inverted atomic drop. And clothesline. Meanwhile, Crazy blocks Nunzio's shot and gets the zany Mexican torture rack or whatever. Kicking Vito on the way to a tornado DDT on Nunzio! 1, 2, 3! Everybody raise everybody else's hand! Why the hell did Brian Hebner leave the ring with them? Did he just become a Mexicool?

Not even any closure. Stupid-ass WWE.com.

Final Thoughts: My eyeblack is streaked with weepy tears. So long.