This is probably going to be grossly inaccurate, because when I'm not rebeaking Velocity, I like to just close my eyes and listen as the magic happens. I'm as shocked as you are that we recapped every episode of Velocity in 2004. Hooray us!
JG did the bulk of the Velo time, and Boobermonkeys and I each chipped in a couple months of seasonal work in order to pay for our anti-depressants. As it turns out, Total Japification came into being on the third of the year, but it must have taken me a few months to catch up with the hot new trends. Slow on the uptake.
The bottom of each of these lists is what I like to call "The Mark Jindrak Zone." He averages between 17 and 18 points per game. This was good because it was TYSON DUX, FOR GOD'S SAKE. His ACL came flying off at a high rate of speed, and then Jindrak jumped rope with it while admiring himself in the mirror.
Vaguely Related Quote!: "Josh: 'This guy's the best dancer in the... YEAH, LOOK AT THAT!!!' Bill: 'What is wrong with this kid?' Josh: 'Tyson Dux, best dancer I've ever seen!'"
Vaguely Unrelated Quote!: "Josh: '...and by Burger King and the new Tender Crisp Chicken Sandwich, all white-meat chicken breast wrapped in crispaliciousness! *pause* Crispaliciousness, Bill. That's what I call you, Crispaliciousness!'"
The infamous "I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!" match. Boobermonkeys hit the scene to make me realize that I stole my repossessing Shaniqua's breasteses joke from him. Jindrak would soon become Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake for our generation. This was a fabulous, fabulous Velocity that also included an Akio/London match and "Evil" Eddie Watts' fall from a great height.
Vaguely Related Quote!: "Shannon gets hung up in the corner and Jindrak is just chokin' away. I had typed 'cokin' away' which would have made this a very different match. Somebody get Mark an 8-Ball, stat. Ron Harris."
Vaguely Unrelated Quote!: "Yang's hair is down again, that's really a good look for him. That's a plus 15 to Attractiveness and Scariness in Fable."
This was the Josh/Tazz show. You NEED to go read about it. I don't remember exactly how good the match was, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it edged out the two Jindrak affairs.
Vaguely Related Quote!: "That was a good match I barely rebeaked. Not 5 stars or anything (I mean, Jesus Fried, get a grip.) That bit in parenthesis was a comment on Scott Fried, not on deep-frying religious figures."
It wouldn't be a Best of Velocity without Fried.
Vaguely Unrelated Quote!: "Wanna be a rich businessman? You needs you some boner pills."
Buh Buh was the ideal opponent for Rico because he hates the gays and their rainbow-hued cooties. One of the precious few times we'd get to enjoy The High Hard One.
Vaguely Related Quote!: "Demott's Turning Point is when the match turned us all gay."
Vaguely Unrelated Quote!: "Sorry, Scotty, I don't think he's going to lose to a punch. Not like SOME PEOPLE I KNOW."
January is a mystery. Full of matches that no one sees. Sho makes a fool of history. I don't really remember this, but it was good, right? It was heel Cole week, I know that much.
Vaguely Related Quote!: "Cole wants to know why Akio wears suit pants, and implies that Akio and Josh shower together."
Vaguely Unrelated Quote!: "Cole mentions the Cow Palace, then starts mooing. A lot. Josh: 'You’re insane! You’ve really lost it, haven’t you?' Cole: 'MOO!'"
More from the month that time forgot. I remember Spanky. What a guy.
Vaguely Related Quote Taken Out-Of-Context!: "Where the Hell is Spanky?"
Vaguely Unrelated Quote!: "Perhaps I expect too much of Velocity. It’s all because of Tyson Dux."
Eddie's only Velocity appearance of '04, unless I'm forgetting something. I'm not exactly sure why it had to be against Danny Basham, but this is where the scales of "Doug is good/Danny is ugly" began to even out a bit. Eddie overcame Brain Damage to win, a story so heartwarming that it ranks right up there with Eugene. Doug got all pissed off, but the boys soon patched things up when JBL told them that peaceful coexistence was the dying wish of their mother, Shelton Benjamin.
Vaguely Related Quote!: "Douglas enters the ring with THE STICK. 'Real nice, Danny! Real nice. You know you just got beat by Eddie Guerrero? You know... Geez! I mean, how long do I have to carry you as a tag team partner? You know you're the luckiest man in the world, right? Because I'm your brother? Otherwise, you'd be S.O.L.' I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!!!!!!!!!! Bill: 'You know what that means!' YES I DO!!!!!!!"
Vaguely Unrelated Quote!: "Alas, poor Rico. Once he was Gay For Pay, but now he's just Gay."
Haha, no Top Ten for you, Shannon. Here are two wacky secrets behind the compilation of this list: 1) I'm pretty sure none of us like Shannon Moore and 2) I'll be god-damned if I'm including that match where Hardcore Holly showed up Kurt Angle a billion times. Anyway, this match featured JG voicing the hatred of Paydirt that all men harbor deep within their hearts.
Vaguely Related Quote!: "I’ve never understood the idea of showing a flag respect by turning it into underwear, but then, the kind of people who deeply respect the stars and bars are best left unpondered."
Vaguely Unrelated Quote!: "I’m sure I heard him wrong, but it sounded like Long just said, 'This is what it takes, my niggas!'"
Team Confederate Concussion had it all before Billy Kidman stole the grits 'n gravy right out of the mouths of Chavo's family. They had a loss to Flowery Bathroom Interiors on Velocity. MORE PAYDIRT. Two out of three Velocity rebeakers did not hate it at that time.
Vaguely Related Quote!: "I'm guessing Jamie isn't hip to Chavo being hispanic, or he'd have pulled his shotgun on him already."
Vaguely Unrelated Quote!: "Kenzo's special message is 'I love USA'. God bless this patriotic youngster. He's as patriotic as... The Patriot."
This match was the catalyst that set off several chain reactions among John Cena's Gang. Hebrew Heat became tag champions for a cup of coffee. Chavo got killed. Noble got fired. Kidman bought a jacket and became entertaining again. London got killed. The majority of those things are bad, now that I think about it. At least Buh Buh had the decency to wear pants, but then he removed his belt, threatening us with the knowledge that those pants could fall at any moment. "Come on Kidman, stay on these studly boys!"
Vaguely Related Quote!: "Yeah, that was the best Dudley match in forever. D-Von getting most of the ring time, coupled with them being on defense and actually, you know, selling = pretty good. Call me crazy, but I still think Kidman and London deserve most of the credit."
YOU'RE CRAZY!!!!!
Vaguely Unrelated Quote!: "Oh, it’s FACE BABY ITALIANS. I’d like to call them Baby Face Italians, but they’re FBI, not BFI."
This was good without being mind-blowing or anything. Man, can those cats ever DRESS. Punk Shannon won, so there's a deduction of points right there.
Vaguely Related Quote!: "Chavo hates Kidman mucho mucho, so he wipes him out with a pescado! I totally hope that means Shannon gets doubleteamed and loses!"
Vaguely Unrelated Quote!: "The Bashams seem to have mended fences this holiday season. Chokin' on balls and gaggin' on sausage or whatever Cena said last year."
THEY'RE COUSINS!!! I hear a hot dog makes Jamie lose control, boy.
Vaguely Related (THEY'RE COUSINS!!!) Quote!: "Noble (um...Jamie) tries to toss Kidman, but ends up going up top."
You have to differentiate when they're COUSINS!!!
Vaguely Unrelated (NOT COUSINS!!!) Quote!: "Josh sings the theme from Super Mario Brothers, then declares that move the 'Mushroom Stomp.' How is he not hosting RAW or something?"
I imagine I'm overrating this, but Ultimo deserves some small amount of dap. La Majistral, pseudo-brainbuster, Gory Bomb, DRAGON SLEEPER??? Sweet. Also: Chavo Classic.
Vaguely Related Quote!: "Chavo chokes the challenger on the chiddle chope."
This rebeaker sure sucks, whoever he is! Check this out! I hate this guy!
Vaguely Unrelated Quote!: "Let's pretend that last paragraph never happened. Paragraphs 'happen'. Like magic."
Another match that's probably higher than it should be, but Nunzio won, which is funny/weird.
Vaguely Related Quote!: "Nunzio does jumping jacks inside, and then...pescadoes nothing. Hahahaha. The other three just kinda watch him fall."
Vaguely Unrelated Quote!: "Demott: 'He can’t win with his feet! He cannot cover with his feet!' God he’s dumb."
They used some of that there psy-chology, boy. And Rey, out of the kindness of his heart, took a pass on the Face Full Of Stuff.
Vaguely Related Quote!: "Man alive, that gave me enough enthusiasm to endure two Holly/Gunn matches!"
Vaguely Unrelated Quote!: "Wow, closed captioning rules. Ring announcer: 'And making his way become accompanied by Sakoda of Japan, weighing in at 200 pounds Akio!' Bill: 'Akio from the Far East, sent to sake on John Cena.' And Josh is still Todd."
Sake-sake your pee-pee.
JG got Dudleyz versus Penis Storm during Extreme Switcheroo Month, and I got this. Poor guy. This was the match that turned me around on Paydirt. Which is suitably impressive, because I fucking hated Paydirt.
Vaguely Related Quote!: "Headed on up, but Noble SHOVES him off the top turnbuckle and onto the barricade! Let's take a break while London undergoes reconstructive surgery on his fucking face."
Oh, if only I knew.
Vaguely Unrelated Quote!: "Don't attempt high-risk maneuvers, says the fatty who used to do a moonsault."
Why the fuck was this match so good? There is no rhyme nor reason behind it. It should have been just another justiceless evening with the F.B.I. Stamboli and Sakoda must have known they'd soon be shipped back to their respective homelands in a trunk (two trips), so they decided to come wit' it. Noble/London from 6/19 was also pretty great, but not quite as great as the first one.
Vaguely Related Quote!: "Akio and Sakoda would be way cooler if they wrestled in the suits."
Vaguely Unrelated Quote!: "'Teddy Long just said ‘I just slapped a cracker.’' HAHAHAHAHA. This is the best non-Tazz Velocity ever."
What a train wreck of quotation marks. Thanks a lot, Albert.
I obviously have to put what I called the best TV match I've ever seen at the top of the list. I barely even like wrestling, and yet I still have this match on tape. It made Bill Demott stop hating Paul London (for one week.) It made Josh Mathews say a swear, starting him down the long road toward puberty. Soon he'll be drinking Shirley Temples and having impure thoughts about Booker T girls. This match was the end... of the innocence.
London fell right on his motherfucking face.
Vaguely Related JG Quote!: "It was clearly the best match of the night, with London landing on his head and that killer DDT both getting 'oooh's from the crowd..."
Vaguely Related Super Asia Quote!: "I believe my exact words were, 'Jesus, look at the welts on London's chest.' He didn't hear me, he was still fawning over his chain backstage."
Vaguely Related TNM Quote!: "That was seriously the best free match I've ever seen in my twelve years of young youthfulness. Better than that Randy Orton/Chris Benoit affair I embarrassingly lost my shit over."
Vaguely Related Twelve-Year Old Quote!: "That was fake."
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