Pre-Velo: Billjosh-shitty. Hello. Boobermonkeys and I are trading Friday/Saturday shows so we don't have to kill ourselves. Not for a few more weeks, at least. Impact? More like suicide pact!!!
VCAren't.
B-L-O-G! *Jindrak punches me in the face*: Between the RAW ticket, Paper Mario: Rollin' A Fatty, The Shawshank Redemption bronze edition as recommended by Kenzo Suzuki, and my bitchy emo CDs, I spent $200 this month. That's more money than I'll earn in my ENTIRE LIFE. Oh yeah, and another $25 to make a Christmas present out of a really shitty Gamecube game. BUT AREN'T THEY ALL, HAW HAW HAW. You can keep your GTA: San Andreas, esse holmes. I'll stick with the wops. Now let's hurry up and hammer this out, because Cowlishaw and I have an early Mario Golf tee time. He wanted to hold out for Mario Hockey or Mario NASCAR, but I was like, "Let it go, Texas Tim. Let it go."
Velocity opening. The grass is always greener. Which is why Rob Van Dam appears on this show occasionally. Our fat and sassy hosts are Don't Tell John Cena, But This Kidney Pie Is To Die For and The Riders of Lohan. Yeah, chase your Around The Horn jokes with some Lord of the Rings jokes, TNM. That'll get you over. The latter pretends like we're still in England on this fine Saturday night. That's why I luv ya, Josh. My boyfriend's back and you're gonna be in trouble.
D-Von, Get The Sweatpants! (w/ Way Ahead Of Ya) v. Who Wants To Smoke A Fag?
Sign: "I HATE THE DUDLEYS". Yeah, that sounds about right. Hey, it's Rico, Shaniqua. God save the queen. The champ is queer. And so forth. He laments the loss of Buh Buh's short shorts. Poor Rico is sporting his purple ensemble all alone. Rockette kick, blown kiss, limp-wristed high-fives for the crowd, kissing a lady's hand. I think it was a lady, at least. Chivalry is not dead. Rico is like Cyan if his moustache divided into muttonchops. "Bill Demott's favorite WWE Superstar!" At No Mercy, Buh Buh got kissed by Rico and then pulled a Macaulay Culkin.
Buh Buh has things to discuss with referee Brian Hebner, so Rico takes the opportunity to grab himself two handfuls of doughy ass. Heh, Dudley and Hebner exchange a look. Chargin' into Rico's drop toehold. And let's prance. Buh Buh: "YOU DON'T GRAB ANOTHER GUY'S BUM!" Now Hebner gets his ass fondled, doing a little Heel Kidman stutter-step in the process. Time to lockup. Scoop slam by Dudley. Second lockup, Buh Buh applies a side headlock. Whipped off, but Rico gets plowed by the shoulderblock. Bill: "Metrosexual." Third lockup, Buh Buh wants another bodyslam, but Rico slips behind. He picks the ankles and spins around on top of his opponent. And now we're in the sodomy position. Buh Buh scampers to the ropes. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Bill: "Lindsay Lohan has the same outfit that Rico has!"
Buh Buh: "I got the cooties!" Man, I wouldn't hate Buh Buh at all if he never wrestled anyone but Rico. Dudley wants a test of strength. Rico pulls the old hand-switchin' trick. He does it so fast that he tricks Buh Buh into simulating a saucy dance. What a match. Clothesline ducked, kick to the face! 1, 2, no. Buh Buh absorbs forearms. Corner whip reversed, but Rico repels a fatvalanche with the back elbow. The ref checks on his fellow homophobe, allowing D-Von to crotch Rico on the ringpost. D-VON, GET THE COOTIES! Bill: "Did you say Rico was getting hard into Buh Buh?" Josh: "No!" Hard elbow, he said. "Get your head outta the gutter!"
Rico gets his head stepped on. In the gutter. Here's the awful move where Buh Buh gets somebody in the pre-piledriver position and just hops once. It hurts because he hit you with his scrotum. Or something. Snapmare, neck vise. Rico fights up and elbows free. Off the ropes, head down too soon, trying a sunset flip, no, but Rico evades Buh Buh's ass splash. And now his ass hurts. I think D-Von's on the verge of tears. Momentary clumsiness leads to Dudley attempting a vertical suplex. It's successful. 1, 2, no. Demott explains the hypocrisy of Josh hating on Kidman after all the R-Triggers they pressed together. Josh: "Okay, one: it's pull the R-Trigger on your Gamecube..."
A kick and a DDT are the makings of a big gay comeback. Both men down. Buh Buh uncoils his wrist tape with shenanigans in mind. Rico blocks a right hand and punches away. Off the ropes, clothesline. One more. Dropkick! 1, 2, no. SUPERKICK! HE'S SUPER, THANKS FOR ASKING! Rico ascends... THE HIGH HARD ONE!!! Little bit of Nuts On Yo' Chin Music! It didn't hit all that cleanly, as D-Von carefully explains to the referee. Nobody to count Rico's pinfall but limeys. He takes umbrage and confronts D-Von. Rico's clothesline is ducked, but his passionate kiss is not! It's breaking down here on Saturday night with the interracial homosexuality and whatnot. D-Von loses his proverbial shit, while Buh Buh's up from behind... Rico dodges, causing him to deck D-Von! Schoolboy, 1, 2, NO!!! Rico hits the ropes, but D-Von takes out his feet. Buh Buh Bomb! Right on his chiseled buttocks. Dudley covers, 1, 2, 3. Rico got smeared, as it were. Demott's Turning Point is when the match turned us all gay.
Let's check in with some more British fans in this WWE.com exclusive. WHOA. Dental work, buddy. Stat. You're only reinforcing hurtful stereotypes.
Spike Dudley defends his plastic belt against Scotty 2 Hotty later.
Commercials. What kind of fucking shitty mailbox is that, Mario? Spend some of that dough.
The Day of Reckoning Rewing is Rey winning the battle royal.
From Smackdown, Carlito vs. Mysterio. Carlito's not a flash in the pan. He's no spunkacider.
Commercials. Tazz saw movie and now he no longer want interview.
The Slam of Saw Week is Heidenreich slamming himself in the head. So much self-loathing. Welcome to the fold. The folds of fat. Let's call JR "Oklahoma Rolls".
The Colour And The Rape v. Union Jap
I heard the murder charges against OJ were dismissed because Judge Carl Ito decided that double homicide was totally cool. That's what I heard. Josh: "You know, I been callin' all my loved ones usin' Call-ATT, 1-800." Bill: "So you made one call." I hope it was to me! Guess what they call Velocity over here in the U.K. Take a stab at it. Like it was Cena's other kidney. Funaki is hated in Texas. I'm learning all sorts of things tonight. Josh: "Bradshaw likes me."
Orlando bows to Funaki. What a respectful young man. Lockup, waistlock by Sho, Jordan reverses and shoves him away. Now he licks his hands a lot. Another lockup, Funaki's muscled into the corner. Clean break? Well, condescending cheek pat. Orlando chuckles it up before promising that he's done fooling around. In the non-sexual sense, at least. Lockup, side headlock by OJ. Whipped off, Funaki eats the shoulderblock. Off the ropes, Funaki drops down, Jordan pulls up for an elbowdrop. Missed. Funaki goes armdrag crazy. A front dropkick knocks Jordan through the ropes.
Jordan dodges a baseball slide on the outside, but Funaki jacks him with a right hand. Back in, where Orlando elbows and clubbers. Whip, head down too soon, and Jordan gets kicked. But Funaki hits the ropes and rebounds into a dropkick. Boot choke. Pokin' him with it now. Referee Jim Korderas seems to have shaved at some point. It reminds me that shaven Tazz looks like that little fat guy from Just Shoot Me. And apparently Veronica Mars. Sho eats a punch. Kick to the ribs. Snapmare, spine kick. Fancy feet, jab, jab, jab, Johnson Shuffle, hard right hand. Jordan does some Sho-boating before making a cover. 1, 2, no.
Snapmare and a facelock with a knee in the back. Sho elbows to loosen it, but Jordan clubs him. Corner whip, big stupid charge is dodged. Bulldog! 1, 2, no. Funaki does his angry dance. Flurry of rights, which OJ halts with a kneelift. More jabbery, Johnson Shuffle #2, but Funaki ducks the knockout blow. Orlando catches a kick, wags his finger menacingly, and gets drilled with an enzuigiri. Cover, 1, 2, no. Sho's headed up top... weird-looking crossbody almost buries a knee in Orlando's handsome face, but he still manages to turn the cover over. Grabbing the hotpants, 1, 2, no! Funaki staggers OJ with a thrust kick to the ribs. Punch, whip, but Jordan swings out and hits the inverted Twist of Fate or Old School Expulsion or whatever the fuck. I'll call it the Uncle Tom Slam. He didn't completely botch it this time. 1, 2, 3.
Tough Enough assholes. Nice Sabu pants, "Samson". Son of Sam. The cat, the hobbit, or the Wal-Mart entrepreneur? You decide at Taboo Tuesday. C. Destine Couch is a truly hilarious name.
Commercials. Spike TV takes you inside Mortal Kombat: Deception so you can maybe figure out why they spell everything with a goddamned K. Chess and Tetris modes? Yeah, that's what I've been clamoring to see in fighting games. They probably call it "khess".
From Smackdown, JBL and Hardcore Holly completed their trio of awful matches. But let's you and I discuss a WV.com exclusive that details what happened to Luther Reigns after Smackdown went off the air. Before he started masturbating, I mean. He should change his name to "Dick Jacket" and team with Kidman. Anywho, Team Suck Squad 2000 was just chillin' in the Dirty Desert when Rico and Haas barged in, the former being all, "Charles, this desert is positively filthy!" And that was when Luther Reigned on his parade. You know what kind of parade it was.
...
It was a GAY PRIDE PARADE!!! Christ, I have to spell everything out for you people.
Commercials. Referring to Tony Hawk's Underground as "T.H.U.G." makes us all die a little inside. How the fuck did Al Snow get in that book? He wouldn't even have a job if he didn't know Mick Foley, I swear to god.
From Smackdown, Luther told Eddie that he WASN'T SEXY OMG HEEEEL. "Marvelous" Mark Jindrak came out. He so pretty, he shoulda been a little girl. So he could play in the WNBA. I don't know. We'll cross this bridge on Experience.
Commercials. My fancy went untickled.
Limey 2 Blimey v. How Come Rico Never Kisses Me? =(
So which one is greater than or lesser than, again? I don't understand the metric system. There's the Lime-beau Leap. Spike has a black eye to accentuate his little goat beard. He's alone. Buh Buh and D-Von are quarantined on account of cooties.
Struttin' around like an ass. Lockup? No, Scotty wants to clap first. Lockup, Dudley wrings the arm. Scotty rolls around and kips up to reverse. He takes it to a full nelson, but Spike puts his feet up on the top rope and lounges around in mid-air. Referee Charles Robinson forces a break, so Scotty just drops him. Heh. Spike angary. Kneelift. Right hands. Arm twist, now a hammerlock. Scotty runs around like a dipshit and uses his momentum to pitch Spike through the ropes. Dudley charges back into a hiptoss. Ten punch countalong? Nine, wiggledance, then ten. 1, 2, no. Sorry, Scotty, I don't think he's going to lose to a punch. Not like SOME PEOPLE I KNOW.
Dudley rolls outside to die. He spits at Scotty, who expects a chase, but Spike slides right back in to ambush. Knee to the back. Choking in the corner. Snapmare, more choking. Ninja Cookout. Delicious. Scotty elbows out and hits the ropes. Head down too soon, sunset flip, 1, 2, no. Spike recovers to send Scotty's head into the turnbuckle. Punching. Dance On Your Face dance. Snapmared back into the Chokeout. Scotty tries to break with more elbows, but Spike clubs him. Off the ropes, clothesline ducked, sunpar kivk. So subpar that I started typing in Indonesian or Icelandic or something. Everybody naps.
Spike's on his knees, but Scotty kips up because he's a total douche. Zany right hands. Spike swings out of a whip, but his clothesline is ducked. Scotty plants him with a back suplex. 1, 2, no. Corner whip reversed by Spike, who charges into a back elbow. Whatever "it" is, that's what Scotty's feelin'. Off the ropes, Spike ducks the bulldog, roll-up, grabbing the middle rope, 1, 2, 3. Injury is added to insult when Mark Jindrak comes out after the match and punches Scotty right in his goddamned face. Wait, that didn't happen. I must be lying again.
Final Thoughts: At least D-Von got some play. The Grand Nagus Rom episode is apparently airing on Monday, because that's how fucked up Spike TV is. The Dudley Dogs of War.