Aired April 11, 2002
Rebeaker: TNM
THIS SHOW HAS NO SCRIPT!!! The Cubs Fan did this once, so I am only following in his footsteps. Why do I mention him every time I rebeak something? That's probably not healthy.
Unscripted is a horrible sports talk show on ESPN. Since my gimmick consists of me talking about LotR and sports until everyone hates me, I figured it was my duty to recap this. Kurt Angle and Hulk Hogan have appeared here before. It is hosted by smirking asshole Chris Connelly, so I like to subtitle it "The Smirking Asshole Show", or possibly "I have to watch five minutes of this shit before PTI comes on". Connelly also has an MTV gig and did Oscar coverage. Christ. Hey, American media, give me three cushy jobs! I'm every bit as untalented as Chris Connelly. Maybe even more so!
"From the ESPN Zone at the downtown Disney district in Anaheim". Ugh. Connelly smirks like an asshole as he talks about The Rock's charisma, college football history, and "The Scorpion King". This is the beginning of The Rock's "WHORIN' MAH MOVIN' PITCHER" tour. Jesus, this isn't even live. Connelly sits alone and addresses the camera before they cut to shots of him in a dark room with The Rock. I'd like to point out that this show was about 100 times worse than I thought, and this rebeak will be really boring. Plus, I'm going to be really mean because The Rock acted like an asshole. GET OUT NOW, IF YOU WISH!
Connelly muses on whether Rocky's movie career will be a prequel to him leaving wrestling for good. Rocky says there's nothing like a live crowd, blah blah. He'll never give it up. Rock really sounds like he's giving the WWF the short end of the stick. "Whether I come back 10 times a year, whether I come back once a year..." Connelly thinks that with The Rock's daughter and family, it'd be tempting to only come by and say "Hi" now and then. Yeah, please be Mick Foley and just come back to promote your shitty projects, Rock. Here's a clip of the Rock Bottom on Jericho. Had to be Jericho.
Chris brings up The Rock's book and if other wrestlers are jealous of his success in that regard. People cared about The Rock's book? Rock says "unequivocal". He thinks people are jealous of him and go behind his back. NOT MENTIONING NAMES, though. "I feel this vibe, I feel like a HATER VIBE." Now Rock says "theatricality", and I don't think that's a real word. The Ultimate Warrior would know.
He's talking about Hulk Hogan now. Clips of Rock and Hogan shaking hands. "We broke records, we had the greatest match in the history of the business..." SAYS FUCKING WHO??? Hogan passed the torch to The Rock. Right. Like Michael Jordan passing the torch to Kobe Bryant. Right. Rock says he "wept" with Hogan, and Connelly kind of snickers. He mentions the HATERS who didn't want Hogan to come back. He's talking about me! Hi Rock!
The Rock welcomed Hogan back with open arms, because Hulk is good for the business. We'll talk about The Rock's football career next.
Commercials. 7-Up is so bush league that they lost ORLANDO JONES as a spokesman. "Guys In Dresses" Dockers commercial that ESPN loves so much. Some hockey game. TKACHUK! TKACHUK! Excuse me. On Friday Night Baseball, Jeff Fagwell (OH BURN) and the Astros take on the Cardinals.
Patrick Roy will be on Friday's Unscripted. Ask him how a last name with no W's, A's, or H's can be pronounced WAAAAAH. Jose Canseco, too, the fucking bum.
"Dwayne Johnson" is said. Talk about Rock's University of Miami days, complete with a clip of lineman "D. Johnson" sacking some quarterback. Warren Sapp beat The Rock out for his position. That's because Sapp is good, while The Rock sucks. "He's my boy, him and Ray Lewis..." DROP THOSE NAMES! Rock dealt with some sort of "hypocritical B.S." with the coaches. Rocky didn't learn much from his actual classes, because he is stupid. He got in a fight with the San Diego State mascot, "Monty Montezuma". Heh. There's a clip of a big scrum around the mascot.
Who in sports would The Rock pay to see? Michael Jordan. He thinks Jordan should have come back and ignored all the HATERS. He tells a story about how a security guy at a Washington gym told him that Michael Jordan said nobody's working out today. Clip: "WHO - IN THE BLUE HELL - ARE YOU?" "I said 'Really? Well you go tell Michael Jordan THE ROCK said he's workin' out today. 'SCUSE ME', walked right by him. So you owe me one, Mike." What a dick. "Beaches" and "It's a Wonderful Life" make The Rock cry. There was a random question.
"And, uh, 'Mr. Nanny', the movie that Hulk Hogan did. That made me cry 'cause I spent all my money, I told you that. He owes me money for that movie. I took my girlfriend, I couldn't believe it. Paid for parkin' and everything." Stay tuned to hear about how The Rock had an argument with San Diego Chargers quarterback Doug Flutie. Doug Flutie is 3 feet tall.
Commercials. ESPN has as many basketball-themed commercials as MTV. Jay Mohr isn't very funny. Go to cabletheft.com and turn in that Sofa K. Amazing guy. I hear he's a shady character. The dude in the commercial is reporting JOHN Q. for stealing cable. OH DENZEL, HOW COULD YOU??? Haha, that was cute. Laughing at my own joke over here.
The Rock had a food-related incident while filming "The Mummy Returns" in Morocco. More on that later. Can The Rock fuse action and comedy as Schwartzenegger and Stalone have done? Pssh. I will NOT bother looking up Arnold's name to spell it right. Chyron thingy says The Rock has appeared in 4 films, and I have no idea what two of those are. Porn, maybe.
Clips of The Scorpion King fighting some bad-haired villain with flaming swords. On Schwartzenegger and Stalone: "I've been friends with those guys, those guys have been really supportive... Denzel is another great actor, Mel Gibson is another guy who is fantastic..." Yeah, you go out CLUBBIN' with those guys every week, do you, Rock? Fucking liar. I hear Denzel steals cable, anyway.
Time to play the "Friend or Foe" game. The Rock's co-star and giant retard Michael Clarke Duncan is a friend. Rocky accidentally knocked him out during a "Scorpion King" scene. Good. "DOWN GOES FRAZAAAH" says The Rock. Howard Cosell is doing Spinaroonies in his grave. Moroccan Barbecue Chicken is The Rock's foe. It gave him indigestion on the "Mummy" set. "The biggest foe I have ever encountered. I've gone against Rashaan Salaam, Kordell Stewart... Charlie Ward... everybody." Yeah, mention football guys instead of wrestling guys, Rock. You're already halfway out the door.
"Moroccan Chicken. They go through me like Drano, my friend. I mean, there were things comin' out of my body I couldn't begin to tell you what they were. It would come out and I'd go, 'I have no idea what that is'." Could have gone a long time without hearing that. Connelly giggles. Bobby Bowden is also The Rock's foe. I guess he was head coach of Florida State, a college which Rocky courted before going to Miami. Small Midget Doug Flutie is a foe, too. The Rock played with him in the CFL. All the football players were watching the WWF once and Flutie put the badmouth on it when he walked in. Rock took OFFENSE, because that's what his family does.
Vince McMahon is a friend. KAYFABE, ROCK, KAYFABE! Vince is the executive producer of "The Scorpion King"? God, help us. One more segment left in this DOG of a show.
Commercials. Those guys in dresses again. Knock it off, ESPN. D.L. HOOOGALIE wants you to Call ATT. Idiots spontaneously cluck for Burger King. 50 cents off a Chicken Whopper if you do so! "Cool Contact" wipes are apparently Old Spice-scented moist towelettes. That's gross. Sportscenter must show you every Barry Bonds at-bat ever, because they are fucking crazies.
More clips of Rocky kicking Jericho's ass. Whee. Now here's a "Scorpion King" clip. Some beardy guy is about to kill The Rock's fat brother, but here comes THE ROCK!!! With an implausible explosion, for some reason! He shoots beardy man with Koosh ball arrows. Everybody flips around and pirouettes. Then the guy goes flying 50 feet in the air and busts through the wall. Seriously. Rocky goes "Boo." in a very "cool" manner, and all of beardy man's cronies go running. I WILL NOT see this movie.
Connelly makes a big deal out of how most action movies are R-rated, but The Rock's is PG-13 so that his younger audience can see it. Not everybody who watches wrestling is 2 years old, Chris, you smarmy fuck. The Rock wants to "transcend" to a new audience. RISE ABOVE US WORTHLESS WRESTLING FANS, ROCK! Even though the movie is PG-13, The Rock says nothing is lacking. He says this is his second film, so who knows about that "four movies" stat ESPN pulled out of their ass. Beat up Jericho some more! I like Angle, too, so yeah, might as well beat him up!
Some talk about Rocky's love scene. He says it's subtle, so don't go into "The Scorpion King" expecting HOTT SEXXXINGS. Although if you would actually go in expecting that, I really hate you. "We left a lot up to the imagination. And the next scene, cut, we're laying there sleeping naked and there was a big reaction. 'YEAH THE ROCK SCORED WOOO!' Even women, 'YEAH WE SCORED!'" Jesus. Just... Jesus.
Connelly: "So if The Scorpion King and The Rock have a steel cage match, who wins?" AND WHAT IF, WHAT IF, WHAT IF WOLVERINE FOUGHT BATMAN??? AND, OH MAN, COULD SPIDERMAN BEAT THE INCREDIBLE HULK!?! I THINK SO!!!!! The Rock says The Scorpion King would win because he "has a sharp sword", but it's really because THE ROCK HATES WRESTLING. It's finally over. I like The Rock less now. "The Scorpion King" opens next Friday, so go see it and cheer wildly when The Rock SCORES YEAH WOOHOO WOOF WOOF WOOF GROWL.
Fucking horrible show.
Final Thoughts: This was a fucking horrible show. And it's kind of stupid to headline a motion picture as "THE ROCK". I understand not wanting to be DWAYNE, but he could have been Rocky Maivia or something. Hooray, PTI is on. Michael Wilbon is the bee's knees.