Unlike the last couple rebeaks, the is my first time seeing the PPV, as I was busy hanging out in the Bath & Body Works with another dude. It was Gan Ning, if you must know. Butt pirates. I like going Christmas shopping because half the things I buy are for me, it's pretty great. So join me for the LIVE REBEAK of TNA Turning Point, in which none of my outrage is fabricated! FINGER OF SHAME, SAMOA JOE!!!

You think not having seen any of it will be interesting enough to make me get through this in one five-hour sitting? Probably not.

Here be the arena. King Jeremy The Wicked is the patron saint of douchey ring announcers. Borash wants me to contact my pay-per-view provider right now. I will send a message in a bottle. James Storm always does that, but then he smashes the bottle over someone's head and kind of defeats the purpose. Message probably just said "Sorry about your damn luck" anyway. JB introduces us to Got Those Genital Warts Cleared Up, Oohoohoo who makes his triumphant return with chestpats and a weird cackle. Borash: "Starting with what we are going to start with first!" Begin at the beginning. Fuck, Sabu vs. Abyss is first. Get it out of the way, I guess. Other graphics. AMW vs. Deadlies only appears for a split-second. Good work, TNA. Borash: "Did somebody say X-Division Title?" No. Unless you're hearing The Undertaker's voice or something. Joe does the telephone pantomime in his graphic. He wants you to call a friend so that they don't miss this great action! Jarrett vs. Rhino is "for all the marbles." IT MEANS BENOIT SIGNED WITH TNA OH MY GODZ0RZ. As promised on the website, there will be "something major" tonight that will change the face of TNA wrestling. Major G. Rection.

HEY MIKEY, I LIKE IT!!! and YES, BECAUSE WE LIKE EVERYTHING!!!!! are your announcers. "Deepest line-up" reiterates Tenay. You could bury a body in this line-up and no one would ever find it. Oops, the countdown to Turning Point clock has been frozen at 29:05 for god knows how long. All these fuck-ups bode well!

Monday Morning Quartermains v. A Hair Band From The 1980's

Damn jobbers. Borash: "Already in the ring, the team of Jon Bolen, Joe Doring... and... Buck... Quartermain!" Yeah, you forgot Lex Lovett, idiot. Naturals and Hoyt share an entrance, and Lance sounds like even more of a retard doing his yellin' and stompin' to no entrance music. What is this, backyard wrestling? Oh, I guess Lovett and Hardy have been dropped for whatever reason, making this a shitty six-man. LANCE HOYT IS IN HIS ELEMENT!!! Hopefully Jeff no-showed and got fired. Bolen has the decency to write his name on his panties, because who the fuck are these guys?

Buck Quartermain, if that is his real name, starts with Chase Stevens. Lockup, side headlock by Stevens, whipped off, Chase slides through the legs, off the other ropes, and Buck falls to a shoulderblock. Off the ropes, hopping over, tilt-a-whirl headscissors by Chase. Right hand, whip, dropkick. Deep armdrag into an armbar. Quartermain rakes the eyes to escape. Stomping Chase in the corner. Trying a Fit Finlay Special, perhaps, but Stevens backflips to his... foot (and knee) before dodging a spear, causing Buck to ignorantly Angleize himself on the ringpost. His panties say "Iceman," so I guess he's trying to be like a bad Dean Malenko. Chase follows Buck outside and delayed suplexes him on the floor. Hurt 'em both. Dummies. Back in, 1, 2, no. Tag to Douglas, double whip, no, they swing him out for a double straitjacket takedown. Cover gets one. Oh, Doring won the gut-check competition. He will hit opponents with his piece of the Agro-Crag. Andy ducks Buck's clothesline and armdrags him into an armbar. Another eye poke. Tag out, Buck. You're stupid. Kicking and punching. Tag to Bolen finally. He hustles in and goes down to a dropkick to the ankle. Followed by a kick to the ribs. Tag to Hoyt, which frightens Jon off. Tag to Doring, I guess. Maybe Bolen was the gut-check winner. I don't care. Doring is about as big as Hoyt, making him look like a giant Chris Candido. Retard wants to lock up, but Doring kneelifts him. Head to the buckle. They trade shitty forearms over there. Hoyt gets all fired up in the manner of Triple H, but Joe goes to the eyes. I bet these guys could defeat JBL. Why does Doring have a big diamond on his crotch? IT'S THE HARDEST SUBSTANCE IN THE UNIVERSE, LADIES.

I hate this already. Lance reverses a whip and delivers a back elbow. Clothesline to the floor. Tag to Stevens, who whips Douglas in and backdrops him into a plancha onto some floor jobbers. Bolen gets uppity before finding himself popped by Hoyt's running forearm smash. Bolen's back in for Stevens' snap suplex and two count. Elbow to the back of the neck. Tag to Douglas, double corner whip, bulldog onto Chase's knee. 1, 2, no. Shit happens, after which Douglas is kicked and toss outside. Jon's jobber pals beat him up. Is it Jon Bolen and Joe Doring, or vice-versa. Who the hell cares. MORE LIKE JON BORING AND JOE DOLEN. Dolin' out the boredom. Andy is back in so that Bolen can drop knees on his arm. Strangled on the top rope. Crowd chants "ANDY" because he is a star. Or maybe they've mistaken Hoyt for Test. Tag to Doring, who continues to choke Douglas. 1, 2, no. Kind of looks like Drago, also. Big dopey scoop slam, 1, 2, no. Here's Buck. Free shot to the ribs. Guillotined on the middle rope, elbowdrop, 1, 2, no. Snore. Whip, clothesline ducked, another clothesline ducked, and Douglas' high knee is not very stiff this time. Tag to the master of the Girl Punch, who employs one. Whip, clothesline. Hoyt tells Quartermain's partners to run in so that he can hit them. He ducks Doring's... nothing and bodyslams him. Tenay: "The ticked-off Texan with the stoopid slam!" That's not really what he said, but it sounded like it. Hoyt sets up a powerbomb on Bolen, but Doring ambushes. Punchings as Quartermain is suplexed up into position for the Natural Disaster... bladow. Somebody call FEMA. Hoyt punches like a FEMA-le. Boring and Dolen continue to fight. Hoyt Big Doots the big one over the top. And Douglas shoves Bolen into Lance's inverted Razor's Edge. 1, 2, 3. Andy wants the belts. Shut up, Andy. You're not even the best Douglas in this company. If Gail Kim's husband ever shows up, you'll be THIRD.

Turning Point commercial.

Borash and Shane loiter about as the ring crew takes down the ropes and puts up the barbed wire. "Very first ever live barbed-wire match in North American wrestling history," which I doubt. And even if's it true, whoop-dee-shit.

Some band whose CD jacket features a fetus in an egg contributes music for this Samoa Joe killing Christopher Daniels package. It's about No Limits, except when it comes to killing people. Then there are limits. Footage of AJ and Joe fightin' during that three-way match at whatever PPV.

There's a fan with an A-1 steak sauce placard they stole from TGIFriday's because I guess they like the worst member of Team Canada.

Rhino's fanciful journey across Eight Mile is replayed.

The barbed wire appears to be strung across some cow fencing that has replaced the ring ropes. I hope they let a bunch of goats and shit loose. Petting Zoo Match.

Let's go backstage to Abyss and The Minister, where we shall hear a fable of fabulous retardation. Abyss used to be institutionalized, because that nigga crazy. He tried to scale the fence, only to become hopelessly ensnared in barbed wire. "He spent hours listening to the hungry sounds of the creatures of the night smelling his blood. He watched the sun rise and saw the buzzards circling above. And even though he escaped, to this very day he's haunted by the spectre of that terrifying evening." What a horrible backstory. I'd have just said barbed wire stole his girlfriend or something. Stop making noises, Abyss.

Abyss/Sabu package.

Elsewhere, Sabu gets his headtowel straight and kisses the little prayer beads that fasten it. A picture of The Sheik is bookended by votive candles. Helpfully labeled "The Sheik" in case Sabu forgets who that guy he's always pointing at is. Keep an eye on The Sheik, Jesus! That guy's always up to shenanigans!

More of the Rhino stuff.

Back to Jeremy Borash ejaculating about barbed wire. "This is a delicious apple. Johnny Damon, check this out, an apple right there, Johnny Damon everybody." What in the holy fuck? Johnny Damon, meet this apple. And perhaps fall in love. Johnny Damon, if you don't know, is Ferenginar's favorite baseball player. Borash shreds the apple all over the barbed wire, which is apparently... impressive? The Impressive. I know someone who thinks this is not cool.

AMW vs. Deadlies package.

Shane's been in a barbed wire match, so let's talk to him. Nothing I care about was said.

This is the worst pre-show ever. More of Rhino vs. Jarrett.

GOD, they let West loose near the crowd again. "THE PAY-PER-VIEW DEBUT OF CHRISTIAN CAGE! YEAAAAAHHHHH!!!" Child: "*fake excitement*!" Hahaha, West has a little pink piece of notebook paper stuck in his collar, I swear to god. A page from his diary, perhaps? Here is an excerpt.

December 11, 2005

Dear Diary - TNA IS GREAT!!! OHHHHH MYYYYYYY GODDDDDDD!!!!! *semen stains*

General Turning Point commercial.

Start the PPV proper. Barbed Wire Massacre vidya package. "Welcome to the Parthenon of pain!" O...kay. That was ancient Greek Charlie Haas' finisher, right? Charlie Paarthenon.

TNA opening to precede the PPV logo. Let the new flag fly. I like this. Pinstripe-suited Christopher Daniels preparing to read from the invisible Necronomicon. Pyro leads us into Abyss' stupid music,

Freaks and Sheiks

I'd like to see Sabu's wallet. I bet he has a picture of his wife labeled "WIFE." DUHHH-UHHH WHOA-OHHHH SHUT UP. Neon green camel pants, wow. God, this tape quality is shit. Sabu gets stomped at when he attempts to slide in, so out he goes. To procure a barbed-wire baseball bat. You should not have that, Johnny Damon! Big swing is evaded, and the bat gets stuck in the wire ropes. The fencing was just for support, I guess, as it's gone. Sabu gets hamhanded before scampering away. Point to Jesus. Lockup, waistlock by Abyss, trying to dump Sabu into the wire, but he back elbows out. Now Sabu's trying to shove Abyss into it, but no dice. Abyss has words (EAT IT, TAZZ) with Mitchell, allowing Sabu to throw his chair at him. Punch. Whack with the chair. Set up, running start, chair-assisted hop into headscissors position, after which Sabu punches Abyss down and sits on him. 1, 2, kickout w/ authority sends Sabizzu into the wire. "Holy Shit"??? You people are morons. Tenay: "Look at the referee, Rudy Charles! He's got a protective uniform! He's got combat boots! He's got S.W.A.T. Team pants! A long-sleeved shirt, he's got gloves!" I wish he'd worn a suit of armor. What the fuck are S.W.A.T Team pants, anyway? Choking by Abyss. Chants for all parties involved. Abyss tries to rake Sabu's face across the wire, but he fights free. Abyss does the same. Shoved away, staredown. Sabu's bloodied. His punches are not as effective as Abyss' hamhand. Still more punches. Sabu tries to run the ropes and pulls up dopily when he remembers its barbed wire. Should have labeled it "BARBED WIRE." Charge, but Abyss scoops him up and hotshots him onto the wire. I guess Sabu's throat is caught in it. "TNA TNA TNA." THIS IS ALL SO EXCITING FOR SOME REASON.

Abyss tries to follow up, but Sabu crotch kicks him. Did he just pull scissors out of his pantleg? Stabbing Abyss in the arm? What the hell? West: "Sabu had that somewhere hidden in his belt, there, or his... trousers!" More scissor stabs. Abyss' arm is all gouged up. Sabu sets up his chair again, but Abyss dodges his airborne assault, causing him to hang his leg up on the wire. HE DONE TORE HIS CAMEL PANTS! Tenay, on the replay: "OHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" It's a replay, ass. Abyss discards the chair in favor of hamhands. Abyss pose, big bumbly idiot charge ends with a drop toehold into the wire. Replay. Love them drop toeholds! Sabu gets some chair whacks for two. Abyss' arm is pretty gross, at least. Sabu ends up barreling into another hamhand. Choke, chokeslam on the chair, 1, 2, no. Mitchell tosses a barbed wire chair in, so Abyss arranges it on Sabu's corpse. Why do you assholes keep running toward the ropes? West: "HE'S GOT NOWHERE TO BOUNCE OFF OF!!!" Abyss tries an Earthquake Splash and ends up taking the barbed wire chair between the legs. Everyone: "OHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Me: "Pssh." Jaded. Sabu clobbers Abyss with the wirey chair. Agayne. And Abyss flops outside. What's up, Jesus?

Sabu arranges his chair for an assisted plancha over the top an onto Abyss. Sabu fetches "a big, 4 x 8 sheet of plywood" draped in barbed wire and tosses it into the ring. All that fucking around allows Abyss to suplex him up and hang him on the wirey ropes. Ropey wires. We don't need a replay of everything ever. Sabu's pants are coming off. Abyss wants a powerbomb onto the bed of barbed wire. Tenay: "I don't wanna watch!" We share a common interest! Sabu punches free and drops down to his feet. Off the... nothing and into a choke, but Sabu bites his hand. Shades of his nephew, Shark Boy! *points down at the sea* Now Sabu runs into a gorilla press stomach-first on the barbed wire table, and Mike Tenay has soiled his trousers. REEEEPLAY. Abyss gets a new wire board to prop in the corner. West: "It just gets worse and worse!" Yes. Sabu tries to fight back. Abyss reverses a whip into that corner, almost squashing the ref, but Sabu pulls up short. Here comes Abyss with an errant fatvalanche that tangles him in barbed wire! What a moron. And he's stuck to it. Comically? I cannot say. Sabu kicks the board Abyss is stuck to, causing him to topple onto the old barbed wire board! And that is indeed funny. Delicious ice cream samwiches. Sabu sit-down splashes the top board, 1, 2, 3. West: "OH PLEASE SOMEBODY END IT." That was supposed to be a comedy match, right? Some fan either cut his hands on barbed wire or got one of the wrestlers' blood on them, and he appears to be all happy about it. Post-Match, Sabu continues to stomp on the wirey tables because he's a dick. Jesus wouldn't have done that. The Minister runs around as we see replays of things. Refs cut Abyss free of the wire. The crowd chants for him because "they've seen a valiant effort by two warriors." OHHHHH-OHHHH, AAAAAA-JAXXX. "Words do not describe the level of violence," so I should probably go back and delete everything I've just written.

Graphics. I like Jarrett's insincere used-car salesman smile as he turns toward the camera. Used-spaceship salesman.

Earlier Today, GAIL KIM DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THE POMPATUS OF LOVE arrived in their Space Limousine. Double J's hollering at somebody on the celly. Storm, surprisingly, drinks. Still no Gail. Haha, James chugs and tosses his empty bottle into a bed of beautiful flowers. THE SPACE INVADERS DON'T GIVE A HOOT! Conversely, BUILT FORD-TOUGH pulled up in his pick-up truck because he is trailer trash. Rhino can write a sad country song about how his fucking wife left him and his goddamned dog got run over by a moon rover. Which, coincidentally, is the name of Jeff Jarrett's dog. High-five, right now. First come, first serve.

Shane stands with The Food Network who are "still doin' the Dew." Nice pigtails, Ass. Jizzle, to K-Dawg: "You remember last week on Impact when you and Kip James violated two individuals?" Konnan has "something for his Latin peoples." Arriba la aza-ray. WHERE MY PIGS AT WHERE THEY AT. Time to "shake and bake" some fools. Billy Gunn: "AND I HELPED!"

That last part was a lie.

West thinks 4LK are now N*Sync. Well, they DO dance terribly.

We go backstage to see Abyss' wounds being treated. Mitchell is proud of him for conquering his fear. Everyone's a winner here at the Special Olympics! They're hugging? Jesus.

More talking and Barbed Wire Massacre replays? Do we really have this much time to kill? Blather about the X-Division Code. West: "You know, it's not always rosy between everybody..." It's hard to get Rosey between everybody because he is very fat. Tenay talks about how AJ feels. AJ Feeley. Oh, it's taking an hour to get the regular ring ropes back up, that's why they're boring me to death with their words. Tenay: "Ladies and gentlemen, we thank you for your patience." I would thank TNA for its competence if it FUCKING HAD ANY. Burn. Talk about the "mainstream media attention" thanks to AJ Pierzynski's dumb ass.

Captain Of The Football Team and President Of The AV Club v. Will You Be My Beard?

Finally. These guys fight every month and nothing ever gets resolved. Like backbreaking, camcording Israelis vs. gay, beardly Palestinians. That's the "Shelley Cam." How clever. Haha, Roderick's mugging for the stupid camera. I don't know why Traci's wearing an evening gown. Dumbass Bentley Bounce. Why's Shelley's shoulder all tapey? Did Joe take a bite out of it?

Austin starts with Alex. Hmm, do you think "Reeling Him In" has been "Cranking An Old-Timey Camera" this whole time? Because that's obviously what it is here. Lockup, @Lx wrings the arm. To a hammerlock, but Aries' drop toehold counters. He squirts over to a side headlock. Whipped off, Shelley loses the shoulderblock. Off the ropes, Shelley stays down, Austin vaults over and gets a headlock takedown. Whipped into the corner, Aries slings over, somersaults into the opposite corner, and hits his flying back elbow. Headlock takeover again. Now is the portion of the match where we chant. @Lx gots some "@Lx" pants. Aries walks up the ring ropes, booting at Roderick a little bit as he takes Shelley over yet again. Quick headscissors counter by Alex, but Aries gets handstand hopsies into a face dropkick. Austin yells "WATCH THIS!" as he sets up the brainbuster, but Alex starts biting his finger because it tastes juuuust riiiight. Kick, roundhouse leg lariat! Tag to Strong, who quickly gets flipped by a Japanese armdrag. And agayne. Maintaining the armbar is Aries, who drives knees down on it. He rolls Strong over and nails the Pendulum Elbowdrop on the arm. Front chancery so that Bentley can tag in. Free kick to the ribs. Double whip, double kicks, double suplex on Strong, double kip-up. Then they think about it for a second and add a double fistdrop. I give you The Rockers' Cousins, ladies and gentlemen. 1, 2, no. Shelley distracts Bentley by wandering in and out, allowing Rod to hit a jawbreaker. Tag to Alex, who strikes with a hard kick to the ribs. Head to the buckle, stompdown in the corner. Back to Strong, who kicks away. Nasty chop, then choked on the middle rope. Traci tries to fire up the crowd. Corner whip by Roderick, but Matt slings over and leaps up into a hurricanrana. Climb-up enzuigiri! 1, 2, no.

Bentley slams Strong for Aries' slingshot corkscrew splash entry. 1, 2, no. Whip, Strong clings to the ropes, then pulls a low bridge on Aries when he charges. Austin ends up on the apron, where he elbows everybody. But Shelley kicks him in the kidney right before he attempts to slingshot back in. And Alex's clothesline knocks him back in. Rough landing. Shelley with "breaky-breaky his back" motions, and Strong obliges with a BIG Fit Finlay Special into a backbreaker on the knee! That was phat. Tag to Shelley, who steps on Aries on his way over to taunt Bentley because he's such a dick. Kicking kitty litter onto Aries now. Austin responds with an elbow smash, but Shelley maintains control with a kneelift. Double leg takedown, Baby Bearsault! 1, 2, no. Shot for Bentley, which gets him all pissed off. Referee Andrew Thomas restrains him as the heels go to town. They hit the Deadlies' back suplex/reverse neckbreaker combo, but it's more Stunnery as they drop him down on their shoulders. 1, 2, no. Front chancery applied by Strong, which Aries fights with gutshots. Working toward the corner, but Shelley leapfrogs over/onto them both goofily as he scampers in to knock Bentley off the apron. Strutting back to his corner like a doofus.

Austin fights off a suplex attempt, so Strong spins him and loads him up top. Trying a super back suplex, but Aries knocks Roderick down with shots to the head. Punchin' away on Alex, as well, but Strong's back. He grabs Aries in powerbomb position as Shelley climbs... missile dropkick into a powerbomb right on the neck! Nice exaggerated sell by Aries, so I know he's not dead. Strong crawls into a cover, 1, 2, no! Replay from another angle. Right on the back of the head. Ouchies. Tag to Shelley, who tells Strong to take Aries up. Nope, Austin backflips behind and busts Alex with a back elbow. Somersaulting under Strong's clothesline, hot tag! Bentley cleans house, as homosexuals have been known to do. Whip on Strong, big backdrop. Shelley rushes and gets planted with a Flatliner. Matt's up top... HBK Elbowdrop for Alex! 1, 2, NO! Bentley's warming up Sweet Cousin Music, but he's forced to take Strong out with a back elbow. It's enough for Alex to POP Bentley with a climb-up enzuigiri! Trying a tornado DDT out of the corner, but Bentley seats him on the top turnbuckle. Shelley shoves Bentley down, where he gets broken in half by Strong's ARCH DELUXE GUTBUSTER out of the fireman's carry position!!! Laid out for @Lx's beautiful senton splash! 1, 2, Aries saves! Fucker. Kill him, Rod. Forearms to the beard. Whip, Aries holds on, Strong gets backdropped to the apron, where an errant Shelley charge wipes him out. God damn it. Can we fix that in editing? Strong FREAKS THE FUCK OUT when he realizes he almost knocked over the Shelley Cam, hahahaha. Are they borrowing that from Samoa Joe without his knowledge? Sounds like a sitcom plot!!! Back in, Alex gets jawjacked by Aries' elbow smash before eating Sweet Cousin Music. 1, 2, 3. Most people would get all pissed off that their partner hit them, but Strong's primary concern was not breaking his friend's camera. What a nice man.

They tell Tenay that Monty Brown has taken over the backstage area!!! Annexed it on behalf of The Serengeti. HAHA, THERE WILL BE NO CONSTRUCTION ON THE SERENGETI! is talking trash to a Bob The Builder doll! "Christian Cage, you come in here runnin' your mouth with your hands on your hips? Talkin' 'bout what you're gonna do and what you're not gonna do? I thought there was a dress code up north! But obviously, Shane, Christian Cage didn't get the memo! And you're still wearin' those BOOTS!!!" Monty is wearing a FURRY, SEQUINED, BLACK SHIRT, MOTHERFUCKERS. That's awesome. Shane pokes him as he says "leapfrog," causing Brown to swat his hand away again. Monty says Christian won't get his spot. Because a leopard cannot change them. Christian is not the Alpha Male. He does not look, speak, or dress like the Alpha Male. "Beat up from the feet up!" I think he may have said "feet" both times, but who knows, it's Monty Brown. "You do not speak as eloquently, as magniloquently as the Alpha Male! You are not the rhetorician that the Alpha Male is!" Hahaha. "Pause for a second so that you can go get your dictionaries and hit your TiVo!" Look at Shane giggling because he knows Monty's about to say pounce. "*looks at Bob The Builder, looks at Shane, looks at camera* PERIOD!" The Alpha-Centauri Male looms in the background! Jarrett: "What is this, Nickelodeon? You up here dressed like Mr. Snuffleuphagus?" Haha, nobody knows what the fuck they're talking about and I love it. Double J says he'd have given Monty a title shot a long time ago, were it up to him. But TNA management is trying to screw the old guard. Does Monty know anything about this face-changing announcement? "Let me smarten you up, Jeff." SMARTEN HIM UP, MONTY!!! In 2006, the face of TNA will be the big black face of Monty Brown. And Jarrett james storms off in a huff.

Like The Dodo, I Have Grown Too Fat To Fly is out to write the next chapter of the "SIGN HERE PLZ" Saga with I Am Jealous Of A-1's Alphabetical Superiority. Larry: "This is never going to end! It's going to go onnn, and onnn, and onnn!" Yes. Is that a dragon on Raven's shirt? Lot of nice shirts. "Zbyszko, you are a harebrained halfwit! You are a paranoid, delusional nincompoop! You're a washed-up has-been, you're a gameshow answer to a question that nobody's ever asked! You know, at least David Hasselhoff has Germany." Germans do love David Hasselhoff. Will Raven sign? His answer is *gay laughter*. Larry: "Have it your way!" OH MY GOD IS HE GOING TO FIGHT THE BURGER KING??? Nay. 'Tis AT LONG LAST, I GET REVENGE FOR WHEN YOU CALLED ME A MARK! HOLY SHIT! All the Angus Invitational tag teams are falling apart. "Chris K" is Kanyon, not the jumpy little Smackdown referee. Zbyszko "went into the past" to get him. Frankie K called up one of his relatives. If Kanyon's going to come out to music that gay, he might as well be dressed like Boy George.

Special K rushes the ring and takes Raven down via ankle-hugging. Kanyon unloads with right hands. He's wearing a sweet-ass vest with some Mortis airbrushing on the back. I'm going to fly to Florida and steal all these clothes. Whip reversed by Raven, who delivers a sledge to the ribs. Kanyon blocks a swing and pulls him into a spinning neckbreaker. Ass says "WHO BETTA?" He puts the badmouth on Raven before throwing another right. Knee to the head as Raven flops outside. Kanyon grabs Raven's arm and yanks his shoulder into the ringpost. Don't take off the vest! I'm trying to L@@K at it. It's apparently an illustration of Mortis taking off the Mortis mask to reveal that OMG HE REALLY HAS A SKULL FOR A FACE! Mr. K arranges Raven's head on the bottom turnbuckle and drops a leg on it. Head to the guardrail. Kanyon runs the steel steps and leaps off for an axehandle, killing himself on the barricade when Raven moves. Legsweep into it! Raven tries to crawl in, but Kanyon's got his feet. Booted into the railing is Christopher. Kanyon retaliates with a shoulder charge from the apron. Guillotining Raven on the top rope. Back in for sasstalk. There's the middle rope Rocker Dropper. 1, 2, no. Kanyon's headed all the way up... MOONSAULT!!! Missed, but shit. Raven capitalizes by going straight into the Anklelock (caps). Kanyon makes it to one foot and hops around. He ultimately grabs Raven by the hair and chucks him down. Well, that wouldn't work on Kurt.

Kanyon wanders into Raven's jabs. Discus clothesline! Begging off! BRO, NO! Kick, corner whip, rebound clothesline! Measuring Kanyon for a kneelift over the top and to the floor. Kanyon wanders up the ramp, so Raven hiptosses him down it! Ow. Raven's mouth is bloody for some reason. He finds a steel chair under the ring and takes Kanyon back in. Chair set up, whip, but Kanyon skips over the drop toehold, grabs the chair, and uses it to block Raven's punch! Haha, broken hand. Kanyon wants another Rocker Dropper onto the chair, but Raven powerbombs him onto it! Waiting... Raven Effect! Good sell. 1, 2, 3. That was a nice way of making me care about Raven again for five minutes. Post-Match, Larry gets in the ring all pissed off. Freaking out about signage, but Raven screams "NOOOO!!!" like a toddler and slaps him. Now Larry's throwing punches, hahaha. Security and Won't You Be My Gay Neighbor? pry them apart. Cassidy Reilly, not The Sandman. The Raven camp is smiley because they are having an adverse effect on Old Man Zbyszko's blood pressure.

Shane's in the locker room with The Dominion Of Canada. Oooh, they are so cohesive. On account of maple syrup. No Bobby Roode? How about no A-1. D'Amore advises Shane not to worry his "pretty-little frosted tips off." Stealing Christian's zings. Eric Young is scared because Bobby's missing. "I'm getting a bad feeling aboot this, guys!" Petey tells him he's "doin' it again." Eric be freakin' out again. Winding up for the big slap, but Eric BLOCKS?!?! "STOP... hitting me. I'm tired of it, Petey!" Wow, D'Amore takes Young's side. Young: "*sticks tongue out*" D'Amore: "*SLAP*!!!" Haha, oh fuck, that was hard. "I'M SICK AND TIRED OF THIS, SHOWTIME! GET YOURSELF IN LINE!" So he pouts. WHAT DID THE FIVE SPACE-FINGERS SAY TO THE SPACE-FACE? is barging into everyone's vignettes awesomely. Checking up on the junior members. Hey, he found Riker! Fucking somebody in the arboretum, no doubt. Jarrett asks Team Canada what they know about the announcement. D'Amore's working on it. Roode tells Jeff that Canada Academy has his back.

Slap Nuts v. The Kru Of The U.S.S. Shut The Fuck Up

Young's all "Ow, my face." D'Amore: "THREE LIVE KRU? FOUR LIVE KRU? IT DOESN'T MATTER! DAH DAH DAAAH!" K-Kwik is rapping, but I can't fucking understand him. Something about The Incredible Hulk. "Cookin' like neckbones, cookin' like Cheech and Chong"? I miss Dancing White Man. KONNAN REQUIRES DOGS FOR HIS UNHOLY CEREMONY. Team Canada's just loitering around outside while this spiel goes on. Shit, this piece of shit VCR just tried to eat my tape, so I SPRANG INTO ACTION and made the save. It has proven itself untrustworthy, so I just spent half an hour unhooking the living room VCR and cobbling it together back here via some makeshift "Chief O'Brien doesn't understand Cardassian technology" arrangement that has wires hanging everywhere. Had to move my toy Warg and miniature replica of Minas Tirith and everything. Between finishing this, hooking everything up in its proper place again, and cleaning up the huge mess I made, I'm not going to get to bed until like 7 frigging AM. Regardless, we press onward. At least the picture is no longer jumping around like some crazy jumping bean. Man, this good VCR fast-forwards at Warp Eight.

Okay, so 4LK was talking about the short-lived "Family Dog" cartoon or whatever. And there's the bell. E.Y. shadowboxes Bobby's hands because he's a toughie! He's gonna start with Ass, Man. Haha, Eric's all pumped up until he turns and sees Gunn, at which point he turns right back around, tags like, everybody, and exits. Yeah, do some stretching. That's the ticket. So Roode will start. "U-S-A" chant, I guess, because it makes Roode mad. Lockup, Gunn twists the arm. Hammerlock, then headlock, but Roode whips it off. Bobby gets the worst of the shoulderblock. Off the ropes, Gunn hops over, Roode leapfrogs, hiptoss blocked, Gunn's is not. Bobby gets scooped, but he goes behind to shove Gunn into the ropes. Billy hangs on, ducks a clothesline, off the ropes, Bobby Papa Shangos, gets kicked, and takes a suplex. 1, 2, no. Petey runs in for no reason, but Billy Gunn says "This man is very small" as he gorilla presses him effortlessly. Slammed down. Tag to Konnan, who doffs his shoe! NO! THAT MAN IS THE CAPTAIN OF CANADA! INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT, INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT! Canada vs. Taiwanese Sweatshop Workers. Ow, Petey takes the shoe right in the boob. A scrum ensues. Petey takes K-Kwik's top-rope crotch legdrop. Right in the Peter. He wiggles over to tag Young, who scampers into a drop toehold. Crowd keeps chanting for Young, kinda. Killings punches him. Corner whip reversed, K-Kwik slings over, backflips for no reason, spazline is ducked, and there's the twisty leg lariat. In comes The Jizz. Double whip, double kick, double asinine dancing, double punch. Hey, great. 1, 2, no. West: "They timed it perfectly!" IT WAS A PUNCH. Dogg wrings the arm, but Eric rakes the eyes. Clubber. Whip, spazline ducked, here's jukey shakey shitty punches. Eric ducks the last, only to run into a big boot. Shake Rattle and Die kneedrop. 1, 2, no. Whip reversed, Roode restrains Jizzle, but Eric still rushes into his boot. Road Dogg fights off all of Canada until A-1 clotheslines him down. Young's baseball slide dropkick knocks Jizz outside, where all of Team Canada mops him up. "ERIC" chant. Rolled back in, head to the buckle, tag to A-1, who punches. Suplex, 1, 2, no. Head to the buckle, and here's Bobby. Punch.

Jizzle's eventually tied in the Tree of Maple, causing his shirt to hang down and expose his disgusting milky whiteness. Haha, Roode raises Billy Gunn's ire with a very impolite crotch chop, distracting the ref while Petey stands atop Road Dogg's dick and sings a song. Double whip by the Canadians, double clothesline is ducked, Jizzle's is not. D'Amore pounds the mat as everybody looks for a tag. Roode has Dogg's foot, but he makes it to Billy, regardless. Gunn punches everyone to death. Jackoffhammer on Eric, but all of Canada saves. It's breakin' down here on whatever day it is. Young gets whipped into the Rolling Thunder clothesline as we see D'Amore hugging a steel chair protectively. Gunn whips Roode and Flame-Assers him. In comes Eric with the chair, but Konnan grabs it, and Young's all "Eek!" So long. DO YOU THINK KONNAN IS GOING TO HIT GUNN WITH THAT CHAIR OH MY GOSH I HOPE THAT IS NOT THE CASE. He does. Konnan, to Roode: "Get him!" Though confused, Roode is all "Thank you for this polite gift" as he covers for one, two, three. K-Dawg lays the badmouth on Assmouth. Team Canada marks out as the non-dead members of 3LK argue. Jizzle's helping Ass up, so HARD WHACK for him! Way to be, Konnan. K-Kwik is so shocked that you would not believe how shocked he is. "You gonna hit me now?" But Konnan's all "Naw, dawg, I love black people." Hug for The Troof. Heh, Konnan wants K-Kwik to leave with him. And Killings mouths "WTF?"

HMM YES CURRENT EVENTS ARE THOUGHT-PROVOKING are reading newspapers in the backstage area. And Sports Illustrated, to boot. Skipper says this is wrestling, not baseball. "This is our house! We built this house!" YES. As far as he's concerned, Sonjay and Sabin have been traded. To the WWE. Goodbye. Haha, both Elix and David have hilariously high-pitched voices. Young: "I could hit .256 with a broken arm, Simon!" Simon, condescending: "I know you can, David." We hear the crowd chanting "NEW AGE OUTLAWS" because Gunn and Dogg must have recovered and commenced having sex in the ring. Haha, Diamond's wearing a catcher's chest protector. HMM YES YOU BETTA RECO'NIZE. Simon: "I know for a fact that the Chicago White Sox players' wives love the Diamonds In The Rough! *wink*" Threat for Heenan, as well.

Here's all the lame media coverage this AJ Pierzynski thing got. Oh sweet, that crazy guy with the different-colored Spike Spiegel eyes from Cold Pizza. Now we're just replaying what happened. Nore headlines. Weird Eyes asks Pierzynski who his managing style will most resemble. Heenan, Jimmy Hart, Lou Albano, or Ozzie Guillen. Heenan, I guess. Here's footage of him teaching AJ that a bat is a foreign object.

WE ARE RICH LIKE THE YANKEES v. Loveable Losers

BASE BRAWL MATCH. Let's look at baseball players who are sitting in the crowd for no reason. Johnny Damon, Chris Widger, and Brian Anderson. West: "And you see down there, we got... even a little bit farther down, there's... Brian Anderson, whose gonna be the... if we go ahead and pan on down, guys..." Brian Anderson must have slept with a certain cameraman's wife, because we ain't gonna do that. Alter Bridge is also here, inexplicably. Cheating on Edge. I.M. Weasel is called out to join the announce position. THAT CAMERA IS SIDEWAYS. DID NOBODY NOTICE THAT? JESUS. Jeff Torberg's out there, as well. Handshake for Damon. Tenay and Heenan: together again. Mike: "Lay out for a second for JB." YEAH, LAY OUT. HMM YES. Haha, Sonjay's wearing his Sox jersey. He hits a big, fake homerun like the stars of Major League, in which the Cleveland Indians reached the playoffs thanks to crazy foreigners such as himself. Now he Sprinkles the infield grass. All three Diamonds bail out when Sonjay hits the ring? Jesus. Sabin's a Detroit native in a Chicago jersey, which makes him an idiot. Torberg and Pierzynski. Blarg. I don't think this is a K.I.S.S. song.

Skipper starts with Sabin. Lockup, Skipper wrings the arm. Chris goes roly-poly to reverse and throw a dropkick. To a top wristlock goes Elix. Trying to chuck Sabin down, but he backflips and stares at him. Elix with a waistlock, to a whip, but Sabin lands on his feet after the hiptoss. Elix kicks him, regardless. Loading up a powerbomb, but Chris hooks his arm on the way up for a side armdrag. Skipper charges, clothesline ducked, waistlock by Sabin. Reversed, and Skipper takes him down. Swinging around to a front chancery, which Sabin counters with a hammerlock. Up for a flying mare, probably, but it gets horribly fucked up and Elix lands on his neck somehow, because, after all, he is Elix Skipper. The ref checks on him before Sabin covers for two. I guess the story is that Sabin backed out so that Elix would take a tumble, but that looked pretty bad. On their feet, where Skipper retaliates with a roundhouse mule kick to the ribs. Dropkick knocks Sabin down. He ends up on the apron, sidestepping a spear and dropkicking Elix in the head as he pokes through the ropes. Slinging over the back, front dropkick to the rumpus, and Elix falls outside.

Stuff's happening, but we're busy watching Heenan. Young tags in and attempts a moonsault bodyblock, but Sabin dropkicks him in mid-air. Chris takes off his batting glove and CHALLENGES HIM TO A DUEL! GLOVE SLAP! HE DON'T TAKE CRAP! That was awesome. Now it's a one-on-one arena battle to the death. No Blitzes Barred. Tag to Dutt, actually, who enters with a crossbody off the top. 1, 2, no. Off the ropes, leaping leg lariat. Guillotine legdrop off the middle rope, goofy pose, and a cover for less than three. Tag to Dale Torborg, who fells everyone with big demon punches. THE MAN CAN PUNCH. Back to Sonjay, who allows himself to be military pressed by Torborg and flung over the top onto the Diamonds. "TNA." Pierzynski chases the Diamonds around with a bat. West fails to refer to it as a foreign object and gets corrected. Tenay: "We'll smarten West up sooner or later, won't we?" Heenan: "No." Haha. Young's inside, where Dutt punches him. Off the ropes, cheap knee by Simon, who gets swung at. And Sonjay turns around into Young's swinging flapjack. Shades of Roe v. Wade. Diamond tags in and covers for two. Jabbing away, big fastball wind-up, knockout punch! Simon: "STEE-RIKE!!!" I shouldn't like this at all, but I do. 1, 2, no. Back to Skipper, who kicks the ribs. Snapmare, spine kick. 1, 2, no. Whip, clothesline ducked, super-tilt-a-whirling around! Crowd: "ohhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHH..." But Elix muscles him up and drops him into the ropes all sloppily, because, you know, Elix Skipper. Not to say that Sonjay isn't good at fucking that up on his own.

Dutt's dead, and Young tags in. Heenan does the "say his age because he died" bit. Dave plants Sonjay with a nasty spinebuster. Pine tar buster. 1, 2, Sabin saves. Corner whip, here comes a charge, but Sonjay snakes through the ropes to evade. Back in with the Tajiri flip into a 'rana! Tag to Simon, tag to Demon! Clotheslines! Torborg ducks Skipper's swing and nails him with one, as well. Whip for Diamond, big backdrop. Choke! Chokeslam! 1, 2, Young and Skipper save. Sonjay and Chris deal with them. Trying to whip them into one another, but Dave reverses his, so Sabin busts Skipper with a forearm smash. Chris gives Dutt a leg up on the Asai DDT for Elix! Dave charges, only to take Sabin's drop toehold into the turnbuckles. Tree of Chocowoe, and Sonjay slings Sabin in for the Kain dropkick! Time for jumpin'... Sabin with a tope suicida for Skipper, Dutt with a somersault senton on Young! Torborg looks to beat down Simon, but Diamond strikes him in his balls lol baseball puns. Pierzynski HAS HAD ALL HE CAN STANDS, HE CAN'T STANDS NO MORE, so he tries to steal the shinguards which are in Diamond's corner. Simon grabs one and clocks The Demon with it, regardless. Cover, 1, 2, AJ pulls the ref out. The ref's like "HEY I'M A REFEREE!" but Pierzynski's like "HEY I'M A WHITE SOCK!" All black and white stripes are not created equal. Heenan heads down to the ring to discuss things with the ref while Johnny Damon slips Pierzynski HOME PLATE! HE DONE STOLE A BASE!!! Smashed over Diamond's head! Doot-doo, drunken sell. Sabin's back with the Cradle Shock! HINDU PRESS by Sonjay! I hope this crazy sports crossover gets a mention in that fine publication! Three-man cover, 1, 2, 3. AJ drops home plate on Simon's corpse and autographs it for him. Whatever, T.O. Heenan talks about there being no place like home, so Tenay yells "Yeah, there's no place like home. HOME PLATE, THAT IS!!!!!" And it was so lame that I'm still laughing out loud about it.

Borash's in the ring with the victors. And Heenan joins them. Sonjay says that TNA has a very special gift for the Sox. Sabin verifies. Enjoy the mic time, guys! They're "TNA championship rings." West: "More bling-bling!" You're an idiot. Heenan bites one. Those are really big rings. Suitable for punching people. Don't let Farnsworth get ahold of one.

Shane's backstage with BATTING CAGE. Christian hears a noise. A fake noise. It's the sound of the Christian Coalition, naturally. The peeps chant his name now that he pretended to hear that. "You see, Shane, that's called anticipation!" He tells Monty Brown that the time for talk is over, and yet he continues to talk. Christian's going to walk onto The Serengeti and come back with the carcass of an Alpha Male. "You see, Monty Brown, you, my friend, are about to get served. Why? It's very simple. BECAUSE THAT'S... how I roll." With a serving cart.

Back to last month to recall Christian's debut.

Touch Fuzzy, Get THE POOOOUUUUUNCE! v. CAN WE BUILD IT? YES WE CAN!

Sniff, sniff. Smell, smell. Red sequins for Christian. Chris C. Kissyfingers, lookin' for shit. Christian told West his introduction to TNA has been "a rebirth." As orchestrated by the Christian Life Center. "Fuck Him Up, Christian, Fuck Him Up." Chestpats! Lockup, Monty uses gorilla powar to quickly throw Christian down. Smelling the top rope once more to verify that his scent remains. The scent of doot-doo. "Monty's Gay" maybe. He and Christian go nose-to-nose. Christian's poking him in the manner of Shane Douglas! Shove by Monty! SLAP by Christian! And a punchfest ensues. Brown takes over with a kneelift and a clubber. Chucked into the corner for more punching. Whip, clothesline ducked, backswing ducked, chops by Christian! Lookin' for more shit. Monty quickly reverses a whip to set up The Pounce, but Christian grabs the near ropes and bails. Brown indicates penis size while Christian pats his bosoms. Monty gets pissed and chases him outside, but Christian scoots back in. Christian: "*smelling the top rope like a dope*" Tenay: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!" You two ruin everything.

Brown's back to the apron, where Christian punches away. Sliding through the legs and taking his feet out, busting his face on the apron! Monty's head meets the barricade. Back in, Christian goes up top... OH NO THE STUPID into a double choke! And up for a gorilla press, period, but Christian wiggles loose. Monty charges and gets pitched over the top. Christian's up top once more... flying plancha hits hard! Back in, 1, 2, no. Monty fires back with a kneelift and a right. Scoop, Christian goes behind, hooked for the Unprettier, but Brown lifts him up on the shoulders... dropped into a top rope hotshot. Gorilla press, tossed to the floor! Monty marks out for himself. Replay. Brown drops an axehandle off the apron. Ape-ron. Clubbering, head to the apron. "MOVE!" DON'T DO IT, FANS, HE'S FUCKING WITH YOU. The Boy Who Cried Pounce. Yes, it was a trick. "I do what I want, 'cause I'm the Alpha Male." Back in to kick Christian in the head. Punch, stomp, 1, 2, no. Christian gets fired up with some rights, but Monty launches him into a crash landing. 1, 2, no. Crossfaces delivered by Monty. 1, 2, no. The crowd rallies behind Christian as Monty decks him. Whip, back elbow. Brown hooks the leg to attempt a t-bone suplex, but Christian elbows loose. Off the ropes and into Monty's belly-to-belly throw! 1, 2, no. Christian answers with shoulder charges to the ribs, then a flurry of punches. Corner whip reversed. Brown shoots Christian into the opposite set, then lands a high knee to the back. "AL-PHA FE-MALE" chant from those precocious little scamps out there.

Monty clubs and punches. Got a foot, but Christian won't leave the corner. Whoops, he pulled the T off of the turnbuckle. Was that supposed to happen? Because they both look really confused. Now it just says NA. Not Applicable. Christian discards the T and punches away, but Brown takes him out with another hard corner whip. Hit chest-first. Stompy. Bow-and-arrow with Christian's spine on the ringpost! THIS IS HOW HE HUNTS BIG GAME. Tenay says "bow-and-arrow," causing West to reply "Good analogy right there." That's the name of the move, numbnuts. Duh huh numbnuts. Monty takes Christian over the shoulder, but he slips behind and shoves Brown into the ringpost! Everybody's asleep. The tsetse fly spreads malaria. Now they crawl back in. Christian blocks a punch and cuts loose. Whip reversed, flying forearm by Christian. Off the ropes, discus forearm smash, into mounted punching. Brawling in the corner as the crowd chants for Christian. But Monty turns things around for more wonderful punches. Loading Christian up on the top, but Montana eats a boot. Christian grabs him and whirls around an extra time for a tornado DDT! Ow, that was hard. 1, 2, no! Brown responds with a kneelift, however. Corner whip, Christian pulls up short, dodges a charge, and gets a schoolboy. Feet on the ropes, 1, 2, no! Christian to the apron, where he staggers Monty with a shot. Going up, but Brown meets him. They duke it out up there. Brown wants a belly-to-belly, I'd wager, but Christian bites his forehead. UNCIVILIZED. Monty takes a tumble as Christian goes all the way up... LO-DOWN?!?! Is this D-Lo Appreciation Night? Monty's twitchy, but Christian's slow to cover... 1, 2, kickout w/ authority has Christian land on the ref, which is always a lame bump.

Back up, Christian's off the ropes for more discus crap, but Brown scoops him... launched up into the Alpha Bomb! Cover, ref's a bit slow, 1, 2, no! Brown gets pissed at Rudy. Clubbing away on Christian. Trying to go into the naked corner, Christian tries to reverse, but Monty blocks. Oh, I guess that's supposed to be the equivalent of an exposed turnbuckle. Brown elbows out and applies The Masterlock! Trying to drive Christian into the steel via full-nelson, but Christian drops down and causes Monty's face to hit it! Stagger around drunkenly! Unprettier! 1, 2, 3! We can see your underpants, Monty Brown.

Shaney is backstage with YOU CAN'T KILL WHAT'S ALREADY DEADLY. Nobody's seen them for awhile because they've been wrestling all around the world. Raye and Devon are the All-Japan Real World Tag Team Champions. They defeated Mike The Miz and Amaya. That is a HORRIBLE JOKE and I'M SORRY. Raye's yelling lots as he beats up on the AMW-painted table. "You don't know a damn thing about tables, boys, and I swear to my motha, my brother, God, and every single TNA fan out there, we're gonna kick your stinkin' asses, and you're tastin' some mother-effin' Dudley 3-D wood!" Devon: "OH MAH BRUTHA, TESTIFYYYY!" Somebody said a bad word.

AMW vs. 3-D package.

Dropping The Buh-Buh Bomb On Hiroshima v. SCREW THEM JAPS GLUG GLUG

Storm will hit Mr. Sulu with a bottle in front of God and everybody. That fag. Damn it, don't pan away from AMW's cool Tits 'N Asstron video. They have to quickly discard their shit, as the Deadlies are coming after 'em. Brawl on the entrance. Devon/Harris, Raye/Storm. Have to put both opponents through a table to win. I don't think the titles are on the line. Harris takes over on Devon and shoots him into the barricade. Now a ringpost. Buh Buh's setting up a table on the entrance, but Storm jacks him. Devon introduces Harris to the steps. And the railing. Storm tumbles down the ramp before Devon takes Chris inside. Storm's smashed into the announce table, but he rakes Raye's eyes. Whipping Buh Buh into the guardrail. Devon whips Harris, then Papa Shangos. Long delayed vertical suplex by Harris, who is pleased with himself. Cover, but they do not count in this match. This is all your fault, Slick Johnson! AMW are both in the ring to double up on Devon. Double whip, double back elbows ducked, double flying clothesline by Devon! Raye yanks Harris out and chops him hard. Storm was looking to put a whuppin' on Devon, but Buh Buh spins him into a chop, as well. Scoop slam, Devon's up, What Is Up With Your Drinking Problem?! Spinny dance, Last Rites! Shove! Devon! Buh Buh: "1, 2, 3... GET THE TABLES!" Crowd was REALLY LOUD, and that was pretty cool. Deadlies set one up and ready the 3-D, but Harris returns to blindside Raye. He moves the table, causing Devon to flapjack Storm into nothin'. And Chris wipes Devon out with a big leaping lariat. He rouses Storm so that they can work on tableization. Propped up in the corner for a double whip, but Raye saves his brotherman with a hug/spear! BRUTHA RAYE, I LOVE YOU. Storm beats the hell out of Raye for being gaye. Buhber gets taken outside for punches, but he chops right back. Loud. Harris lays Devon out on a table in the center of the ring. Headed up top... Raye's back with a loud overhand chop! Hike up the pants to try a superplex through the table, but Storm upends it. Superplex hits, regardless.

James continues to pummel Buh Buh before getting the shit chopped out of him. Scream, then boot Raye a couple times. Devon arranges another table on the outside, but Harris runs him through with a clothesline. Storm charges Buh Buh, but Raye backdrops him over the top, clearing the table and taking out Harris and Devon! West thinks Storm "willed himself" over the table, because the Space Invaders are Jedi. As the only living human being, Raye goes out to chop Storm all to hell. God. Back in, CHOP. Such a pink chest. Raye lays Storm out to attempt the big fatty senton through a table, which can't be a good idea. Storm gets up and punches him in the nutsac before it can be attempted. James with a hurricanrana off the top, but Devon moved the table! And he pays for it with a VICIOUS superkick! FUCK YOU GESTURE to the crowd! The Invaders run this terrain. Sheriff Pony and Topato reunite to make the 3-D gesture and be dicks. They attempt to put Devon through a table with the Deadly Death Drop, and I don't know what the hell happened right there. I think Taker's ghost got involved. Buh Buh napped in the corner doing nothing and Harris jumped up like an idiot for the neckbreaker part way too far out but nobody was there so he fell and hurt his back. Oh, okay, Devon countered the part where Storm takes him up by pulling him down into a DDT. That didn't work well.

Harris absorbs one of Buh Buh's chops now. The Deadlies prepare to table Storm, but Chris has a chair. Devon's gonna top-rope Death Sentence Storm through the wood! SO DEADLY. HIT IT!!! Halfway there are the Deadlies. Now Harris is in with the chair... WHACK for Buh Buh! Edge into Devon's ribs, whack across the back. Edge of the chair, not Adam Copeland. Replay of the Deadly Death Sentence after Harris wails away on Buh Buh. Harris follows Devon as he staggers up the ramp and axehandles him. They're headed for the entrance, where Devon's head is smashed into a table. Chris wants a suplex through it, but Devon blocks and Buh Buh whacks him. 3-D through the table! And that's it. C'mon, AMW. Space Invade strong or don't Space Invade at all. Buh Buh cavorts with the crowd.

That Joe/Daniels/AJ package again.

Uh-oh, everybody's still crowded around Storm in the ring, who's not moving. Neck injury discussed? Yikes. The crowd's cheering, so hopefully he's up. Replay of the Death Sentence, which didn't even look that bad. He's being helped out. Shit.

On to Tenay's X-Factors for Joe/AJ. Like Rodney Dangerfield, Joe has no respect for the X Division code. AJ was the one who issued the challenge. And it's the X-Division Title vs. Joe's winning streak.

Hello, Police? I'd Like To Report A Murder v. I AM, I AM, GOING TO DIE

Joe's music sounds like Shark Boy's music. He's got those weird reddish-blonde highlights in his hair. And the blood towel. Here's AJ. Penis pose to this side and the 'tother. AJ abides by his fruit code by waiting until the bell before rushing Joe and busting him in the head with a forearm smash. Kneelifts and clubbing. Joe's covering up. Angry shoulder charges in the corner. Settle down, crazy. Styles hooks up a suplex... and HITS IT! Damn. Kicks to the chest. Snapmare, spine kick. Knee right to the face, and Joe's dazed. Stomp to the head, forearm to the jaw. Whip, head down too soon, allowing Joe to pull up and boot him in the chest. Off the ropes, AJ leapfrogs, drops down, Joe hops over, and AJ BLASTS HIM with the dropkick! Crazy yell! Joe is DOWN. "AJ" chant. Some "JOE" as well. He's arranged in the corner for AJ's beatings. Now he fires back with a chop. Off the ropes, running boot is evaded by Styles. Staredown. LET'S GO PEO-PLE. Joe slaps Styles, capping off a big brawl. Joe gains the upper hand with a hard slap and a stiff kick to the ribs. We learn that Storm is in a neckbrace and possibly concussed. Joe unleashes a series of hard chest kicks that cause Tenay to scream. He waits on Styles for one more running boot that sends AJ crashing outside. Following for a knife-edge chop. Slid back in, but Styles is too dead to go anyway. He fires back with some punches and forearms, but Joe headbutts him. Trying a suplex to the floor is Joe, but AJ twists out and guillotines him on the top rope. Joe moves when AJ attempts a pescado, so Styles adjusts and lands on the apron. Joe kicks his feet out, causing him to bash his face on the apron! Now he grabs AJ powerbomb-style and does a GIANT SWING on the floor, bashing the fucker into the barricade!

Joe follows up by whipping AJ into the railing. Waiting on him to get up... sailing dropkick knocks him back down! Back in, loud kick to the chest. Hanging out by the blood towel. Snapmare, spine chop, chest kick, off the ropes, trachea-crushing kneedrop! God. Joe picks Styles up and chops him into the corner. AJ responds with some kicks, but Joe kicks the fuck out of him. Whip reversed, AJ tries eithe a leapfrog or a split-legged spaz attack, but Joe catches him and turns it into a three-quarters flapjack! Off the ropes, big fat senton splash! Joe's slow to cover, 1, 2, shoulder up. Ninja Chokeout applied. Styles with a little headbutt to loosen it, then elbowing free. Forearm smash staggers Joe. Whip reversed, and Joe hits a running enzuigiri in the corner. L@@king at him. Facewash! Boot, boot, but AJ gets pissed and fends it off! Got Joe's foot! Punching away! Trying a discus punch, but Joe BITCHSLAPS him! AJ's shoved back into the corner, and there's a JAWBREAKING finish to the Facewash! Fans: "*holding their faces*" Some little kid: "Joe's stupid!" I think. He's on the menu now, regardless.

Joe boots at AJ dickishly. Propped up in the corner for a chop. Whip reversed, Styles rushes into a backdrop to the apron, and a forearm smash fends Joe off. AJ's slow to climb back in, so Joe kicks him. Now it's Joe who throws the forearms, knocking Styles down. But AJ pops up with an enzuigiri that rocks Joe! That wasn't really the Pele, West. "I've never seen him hit it from that angle!" Because it's not the Pele from that angle! AJ attempts a springboard something or other, but Joe yanks him down into a powerbomb! 1, 2, no. Joe hangs on and turns him over into a Boston crab. Styles manages to make the ropes, but Joe drags him back out. Jesus, Joe SITS ON HIM now, and AJ's bent at a crazy angle. Styles manages to boot him in the head and break! Joe maintains control in the corner. Turnbuckle whip, but AJ counters his charge with a backdrop to the floor! AJ scuttles over and hits a Shooting Star Press sorta thing to the floor! Oh yeah, the Fosbury Flop, I remember that from the first go-around. Back in, springboard split-legged spaz forearm nails Joe in the back of the head! Cover, 1, 2, no! Replay of the Flop. Styles hits the ropes, but Joe hooks his swing. Full-nelson applied, then letting go for a German suplex, but AJ lands on his feet! Middle-rope moonsault into inverted DDT position! Hit it! 1, 2, no! Picked up, but Styles hits the ropes and runs into the deep powerslam! 1, 2, no! Tenay thinks it's a miracle. Thanks, Jesus! Crowd thinks this is "awesome."

AJ's up to take more of Joe's kicks. He shoves Joe away and tells him to c'mon, so Joe goes nuts pawing at him. Styles evades the blows until he gets trapped in the corner. Big slap by Joe. Pounding him, but AJ goes under one and kicks him in the head. Following up with a roundhouse from the other direction, and Joe's unsteady. Everybody's bleeding from the mouth. Styles loads Joe up on the top turnbuckle, but I don't know what he's trying to do. Unable to dragon screw him, maybe. Down they come, and Styles is loading up the Ass Crasher... Joe won't go. Knee to the face, then a POWERBOMB BY STYLES!!! Cover! 1, 2, NO! Kick to the face and some tired punches by Styles. Off the ropes, at which point Joe BEHEADS him with a clothesline! Fuck. Flipped. Cover only gets ONE? Heh, that freaked Joe out. YOU LOOK SCARED, JOOOOE. I think AJ is about to go berserk in the manner of his friend Chris Sabin. Joe butterflies him like a delicious porkchop, takes him up, and buries him with a sitout powerbomb! Kickout at one again! And yell. Joe clearly saying "one" each time kind of ruins the mystique. Joe hits the ropes, clothesline ducked, choke applied! AJ attempts to hold it off, so Joe headbutts him in the back. Loud spine chop. Answered with THE PELE! And Joe topples like a big fat tree. Styles loads Joe up on the turnbuckles and gives him a FUCK YOU GESTURE? That HAS to be against the code! Styles wants a MUSCLE BUSTER, but Joe says "Stop being stupid" and fends him off. AJ goes up after him, but Joe tries to load up the Muscle Buster from that position... No, Styles is shoved down. He powerbombs Joe down and gets the legs... picked up... STYLES CLASH! Rolled over, 1, 2, NO!!! Tenay: "Is he human? Is he human???" West: "Neither one of these guys are human in my book!" Somebody call the Invaders. Styles is headed up top. Joe shoves the ref into the ropes to attempt to crotch him, but Styles manages to hop over. Into the ropes, pulling roll-up by Styles, 1, but Joe grabs the hotpants and hauls him back into the KOKINA CLUTCH!!! Joe puts the squeeze on him as Styles squirms for the bottom rope... he rolls Joe over and gets close, but now the arm's limp. And the ref stops it.

Post-Match, Joe slings his lovely new belt over his shoulder before helping AJ up. This won't end well. BELT SHOT! Here's security for Joe to kick around. He grabs a chair out of the crowd and pitches it into the ring. "JOE IS GONNA KILL YOU." Readying a Muscle Buster on the chair, but goofy music plays because I've Fallen And I CAN Get Up! has returned to probably be a lame, non-gothic face! Still a nice shirt, though. He tackles Joe via double leg takedown, and let the punching commence. Stompdown by Daniels. Clubbing away. Forearms and knees. Now Joe's fighting back with headbutts. Kick to the chest, and Daniels doesn't look to be 100%, because he's pretty dead. Joe's got the chair, but security forms a wall between him and Daniels, so he decides to bounce. A la Bentley.

Buy Final Resolution next month. Plz.

Yet another preview of Jarrett/Rhino.

Shane wants a word with SORRY ABOUT YOUR DAMN FUCK. He got his life and career back on track, only to be screwed by the Invaders. Why'd he pause and look behind him for no reason? Did he think Jarrett was going to barge in like with every other promo tonight?

I don't really care about Tenay's tale of the tape.

We Could Go And Get Forties, Fuck Going To That Party v. Why Don't You Come Over Here, Gail Kim? We've Got A City To Love

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times... Jeff Jarrett's favorite band is The Strokes because they play that down-home country music. Rhino rushes the empty ring all pissed-offishly. REEEUR REEEUR THE BLACKNESS OF SPACE. Guitar bazooka never goes off? Shoot Rhino with it. "FIRE JARRETT"? Borash does the lame title-fight ring announcing. Big "Rhino" chant. Jarrett's suddenly from Nashville instead of Hendersonville or whatever. Sass is sassed between them.

Grabbing at each other's hands all girlishly to begin. Test Of Strength? Nope, Jeff kicks. Now he manages to get over the top, but Rhino quickly stops that because Jeff is weak. So there's another kick. Jarrett applies an armbar until he gets kicked once more. Side headlock by Rhino, whipped off, Jarrett gets bowled over by a shoulderblock. Off the ropes, Rhino hops over, and Jeff once again takes the worst of it. Cover for one. More armwringin' by Rhino. Jarrett escapes with a kneelift. Whip reversed, JJ slides through the legs and hits a dropkick. Cover only gets one. Whip by Jeff, who gets a hiptoss. Dropped down into a leglace wristlock of some kind. Rhino's unable to turn it over. Now he does so, lifting Jarrett all the way up by the hotpants! Tossed into a hotshot, then a gorilla press. Rhino hangs Jarrett up on the ropes, then boots him in the face, sending him into the railing. PESCADO by Rhino! He pitches Jarrett into the crowd and beats him up. Trying a suplex off that retaining wall, but Jeff guillotines him on it. Now he smashes Rhino into it. Trying again, but the whip is reversed. Brawling around some more. Into some metal crap on the wall. Are those bidets back there? Rhino escorts Jeff back to the ramp. Rabbit punches before Rhino wonders who the man is. Jarrett's busted open. Jarrett throws an elbow, but Rhino kicks. Got a chair... whack to Jarrett's arm! Rhinocerus wants another chair. Why'd you get rid of the first one, dummy? Chair to the ribs, chair to the back. Jarrett wanders off, but Rhino catches him and rams his head into the side of the bleachers. Setting up a table out there. Arranged on it as Rhino climbs a railing, but Jeff gets up and decks him. Brawling to and fro. Jeff skedaddles up a scaffolding, and Rhino follows. Chair to the ribs by Jarrett, but Rhino pounds him. Jarrett chairs Rhino in the back, causing him to take a long fall through that table! Jeff: "NOW who's the man?" I dunno.

Jarrett beams back down to Planet Erf to whack Rhino with a chair. Into the railing. But Rhino comes back with a suplex on the ramp! Boot to the bloody head. Rhino wanders off-stage to find another table. Going to take another shot at the "propped up against the Tits 'N Ass Tunnel" spot from last month... GORE INTO THE TABLE!!! Which did not break at all, and they go flying into the tube. Jesus. There may be a lot of Space Invaders in sickbay tonight. Hey Jeff, are you alive? One R2 beep for yes, two R2 beeps for no. Borash rocks the mic to tell us that both men have until the count of 10 to reach the ring, or it'll be a double countout or whatever. God knows Jeff isn't going anywhere, so here are Petey Williams and Eric Young to fuck up Rhino's chances. Haha, the Canadians are escorting Jarrett's corpse back to the ring. This is like when Wesley Crusher saved Captain Picard's life. Jarrett's rolled into the ring, but Rhino suddenly comes running all pissed-offedly. Punching away on Jeff. Whip reversed, flying clothesline! Punch for Petey, punch for Eric, clothesline for Jarrett! Back elbow! Corner whip, little corner Gore! Petey's back to get tossed immediately. Eric, too. Kick for Jarrett, whip, Concrete Crunch! 1, 2, no. Rhino's headed up top, but Petey crotches him. Rudy ejects the Ensigns. Into the cold void of outer space. Superplex by Jeff, 1, 2, no. Rhino swings out of a whip and hits his Diamond Cutter out of fireman's carry position. 1, 2, no. Whip, Jarrett swings out this time, but Rhino kicks. A corner whip nearly sandwiches Rudy Charles, but Jeff puts on the space brakes. Thems the space brakes. Whoops, Jarrett sidesteps a Gore, and now the ref is dead. Armwringin', kneelift, but Rhino punches free of The Stroke. Belly-to-belly slam! Crowd wants the Gore, and Rhino hunkers down... all this talk about who the man is must have made Bobby Roode curious, because here he is. Rhino whips his ass. A-1's here, as well. GORE for him! But Roode lies in wait... Northern Lariat to the back of the head! Jarrett covers, and Rudy comes to... 1, 2, no! Double J has grabbed his gee-tar. Tenay: "I AM SO SICK OF THIS GUITAR!" He's headed for the top, but Rhino punches. Trying to climb up is Rhino, but Jeff pokes him with the peggy end. EL KABONG! Jackknife into a pin, ref is slow, 1, 2, NO! Desperate Haaswives has decided that now would be a good time to come down and talk sass. OH IT'S AWWWN NOW. Slap for Jarrett! GORE GORE GORE!!! 1, 2, SHOULDER UP! Jackie's mugged by security as Rhino sets up some chairs. Ascending the buckles for a Rhinodriver '52 through them, but the Big Load charges out with his hockey flagstick! Whack to the... ankle? I guess. SUPERSTROKER INTO THE CHAIRS! Evidence discarded, 1, 2, 3.

Post-Match, D'Amore's patting himself on the back like a big ol' Horowitz when the lights go out. Crowd chants for Sting. God damn it. Scorpions all over the Tits N' Ass Tron. WOW STING LEFT HIS COAT AND BOOTS AND BAT ON A CHAIR IN THE RING! HE MUST BE RUNNING AROUND NAKED SOMEWHERE! Thanks a million, The Undertaker. This changes the face of TNA by putting dumb surfer make-up on it.

Final Thoughts: Meh. My least favorite so far. Sting is a step in the wrong direction, especially following Christian, and the good stuff wasn't quite as good as I figured it'd be. Styles/Joe wasn't Match Of The Year or nothin'. And Sheriff Pony got hurt =(