FROM THE HOME OFFICE IN SIUOX CITY CANADA. This is going to be stupid.

I think we can pull the Experience logo out of that big WWE gridlock.

Rapid-fire clips of shit. Stupid shit. Kamala and Adam Bomb, for example. Papa Shango be shrinkin' heads nationwide. IT WAS HIM AUSTIN IT WAS HIM ALL ALONG. Foley: "It has become part of the accepted American language." Vince McMahon invented the word "RAW." That creepy-faced DX fan what showed her bosoms.

RAW began on some month that ends in a y, 11, 1993. I can't see because of the TV 14 box. Way to go, Palmer. Trish: "In '93, uh, for the first RAW *picture of Yokozuna for no reason*, I was in university." Uh, we call that "college" here in non-Bizarro Land, honey. RAAR ME AMS GO TO UNIVERSITY, MAJOR IN INHUMANITIES, POSSIBLY ROOM WITH MR. MXYZLSPTLIK. So not going to Google that, but I AM picturing the Legion Of Doom as some hilarious version of The Hangin' Out Gang now. GOIN' TO FIGHT THE SUPERFRIENDS WITH YER BEST BUDS! Edge: "I was doing my college internship at a radio station." The Morning Zoo Crew with Edge and Christian. Lots of kazoo and slide-whistle. Triple H: "I would have been trying to get into the business." Chyna was giving him "the business." Other sob stories. Lita: "I was graduatin' high school." Ha, nice yearbook photo, Amy. Somebody put that dog in a bag. Vince thought Madison Square Garden was the Mecca Of Manhood. He took an Oath in the Square Garden. Hey, Chris Tafuri, you're a cameraman, so nobody gives a fuck about what you have to say. GET EQUIPPED WITH: LENS CAP. Mike Chioda SPEAKS! He had to bring the ring up piece-by-piece in the elevator. Such is the burden of the ringbearer. Oh wow, Sean Mooney. YOU CANNOT ESCAPE CRUSH, DOINK. Who the fuck was HBK wrestling, Max Moon? What a retard. Vince: "BOBBY'S HEENAN'S ON THE OUTSIDE, WHO'S ON THE INSIDE??? ROB BARTLETT, THAT'S WHO!!!" Uh. I think you better explain who that is again. Heenan dressed in drag to try and sneak in. Now that's comedy. Reminds me of Ernest's P. Worrell's mother or whatever, which reminds me that Lita looked like her when she wore that neckbrace the other week. Awesome, now Heenan's a rabbi. WET RABBI, WET RABBI. Oh, so the first RAW was 10, I guess. I had no idea.

9 - When Bischoff showed up. Yeah, that sure was... something. Booker T: "TELL ME I DIDN'T JUST SEE THAT!" Coach: "*TERROR*" Don't worry, Coach, you'll develop a great working relationship with him. Stasiak doesn't know what to think! I don't know why Jeff Hardy had a giant icepack on his head, but that's funny. Somebody probably rebeaked this, right? Nah, I guess not. July 15, 2002. I'M BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER / THE TURTLENECK IS A VERY GOOD SWEATER. JR: "And when the big Irishman wants to hug ya, you're pretty well... pretty well up a creek." JG? Lita: "Don't blink 'cause you're gonna miss something." Don't tell me when to blink. Is that Bradshaw branding Kwang or whoever the fuck used to write on himself? The "rebirth of the Nature Boy." He crawled out of your mama's womb, Fat Boy. So is #9 just "random debuts"? This is dumb. Edge: "Val Venis and I were coming in at the same time and he got the porn star character." Lucky, lucky Edge. Vince: "Women fell in love with him, and half of the guys did too, for maybe the wrong reasons." Uh. Sweet, the R4dicals. Able to make Too Cool exciting main eventers. Don't touch them, Road Dogg, you ass. Why was Eddie dressed like some weird nihilist? NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE FROGGY DANCE. Jericho's debut back when I didn't want to punch him in the face. Agayne. Say it, Rock. Say it. If they don't let him say it, I'll turn this car around right now. He doesn't. Now I'll never know the name of that jabroni Jericho kept putting in the Walls. Triple H returns after eating at Denny's for a month. He was the first WWE superstar to order the Grand Slam Breakfast. Dr. Andrews (Test) didn't know of any superstar in any sport who ever came back from that injury. BECAUSE HE IS THE GAME AND HE IS THAT DAMN GOOD HE'LL TEAR HIS OWN QUAD HE DOESN'T CARE. "I walked back through the curtain, I start bawlin' like a little kid." And yet you make fun of Kurt Angle, HYPOCRITE. Maybe he meant "ballin'." Dayom, playa.

Commercials. Weird USA commercials. David Spade.

8 - When Shane bought WCW and ruined it. Eric Bischoff taught him that the turtleneck is a very good sweater. Vince: "That was a big surprise when Shane showed up on Nitro." Yeah, you knew absolutely nothing about it. KAYFABE MORE LIKE "GAYFABE" AM I RIGHT? Monday Night War bullcrap. The first Nitro. Matt: "With a unlimited budget, they could kinda pull, you know, a few rabbits out of hats." Mumbo Dumbo. Hooray, Rodman. Why are we focusing on a Nitro Girls' dance routine? "Kerwin White - Formerly Known As 'Chavo Guerrero'" Hahahahaha. He actually wore a sweater vest to the taping of this. Mighty white of him. Bischoff inviting McMahon to a PPV match. I rebeaked that, didn't I? God. The Nacho Man and The Huckster or whatever. He'll be your Hulkleberry. When Schiavone spop:ered the fact that Mick Foley puts butts in seats. That was awesome. Mick: "Turns out I did put a few butts in the seats." Turns out I hate you. Wear a tracksuit to hide your breasts, The Rock. Austin and DX. JR: "We were makin' new stars as we went along." Yeah, Christian and Val Venis are tearing shit up right now. Kerwin (FORMERLY KNOWN AS CHAVO): "In WCW, we all started watching RAW, going 'Wow!'" A very white expression. WOW SABLE AND NICOLE BASS WHAT A GOOD IDEA. Vince: "There's no animosity at the moment, no personal animosity between me and Eric... that I know of, at least not on my end. And why should there be? I won." OH VINCE MCMAHON YOU ARE A CHARACTER AND USA WELCOMES CHARACTERS.

7 - September 27, 1999. Foley and Rock in "This Is Your Life." Also known as "CRZ's Favorite Thing Ever." "YOU CUT THE ROCK OFF ON SECOND BASE!!!" Should have given her the cleats, Rock. Cleats to the teats. Foley: "It was like Halley's Comet or something. It was just something that comes along once in awhile." Once-in-a-lifetime shittiness. Oh, Yurple. Oh, Mr. Rocko, I remember when you did a tour of duty in Val Venis' panties. Brahma Bull cake. Now for celebrities. Shaq just got punched by a child! Ha, there's Lebron from when Tommy Dreamer was all chummy with him. IT'S PAPA ROACH WOW THEIR SCARS REMIND US RAW'S PAST IS REAL. I can't even recognize most of these people. Wade Boggs? Don't let the smooth taste fool ya. Rob Zombie? The Zom Man. Lawler vs. Shatner. Who do you root for? MOTLEY CRUE GO CRAZY, TEST, GO CRAZY. JR loves when NFL players show up because, as evidenced in the Ross Reports, he can't shut the fuck up about football for five fucking seconds. Ha, The Pistons and their title belts. Rasheed's gift to RAW for getting him traded. Rob Schneider! Will Sasso in Sofa's "EVIL" shirt! Jericho on Cold Pizza, hahahahahahaha. Paige Ninjas vs. The Jerichoholic Ninja. I think they stole this musical sting from a Foo Fighters song. This is about RAW stars in the mainstream, by the way. Jericho on VH1! SUPASTAH. Jericho: "It's gorilla filmmakin', man." Donkey Kong: The Motion Picture.

Commercials. The Burger King chills out behind trees. "Professional. Do not attempt." Don't logroll like the Burger King at home.

6 - RAW weddings? If you say so. Not like I'm gonna turn down more Test. That was a very good Stephanie impression, Triple H. Remember when people actually called him "Hunter Hearst Helmsley?" HHH: "HOW MANY TIMES DID WE CUSTOMATE (sic) THE MARRIAGE???" Test: "DUDE I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS BUT I'M REALLY PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW!!!" Big Show thinks the McMahons were the first reality TV family. And here's a really goofy family tree set to Leave It To Beaver music. SHANE-O-MAC DANCE! PETE "GAS"! That is my most favorite branch. I may build a treehouse up there. JR: "They're The First Family of sports entertainment." I think Hugh Morrus and Jerry Flynn would have something to say about that. This reminds me of Boobermonkeys' Shane/Stephanie fic for some reason. Look at how hard Triple H LOLs when Stephanie slaps Shane. That's great. Shelton: "CRAZY." He was on Jeopardy and the question was "WHAT ARE WHITE PEOPLE?" Now we're playing wacky music that you might use to sell Chips Ahoy or Fanta. Mick, on Vince: "With the exception of that gulp he does when he's in fear, which is absolutely horrible. *gulps* Terrible." JR on the Power Walk. Ha, Jericho mimicks. Cena: "He somehow walks like he's got a broomstick up his ass." Always comes back to anal insertion with you. Edge: "You remember the eagle from The Muppet Show?" Shelton: "Favorite McMahon moment... Vince peeing his pants?" Better than when he was pooping his pants??? Loss of credibility. Hey, The Kiss My Ass Club. The Babysitter's Club for a new generation. Regal spends a long time describing his ass envy. We don't really need a showcase on Linda. Good, it was brief. BACK TO THE SHANE DANCE. The Ce of the McSun Family. Stephanie's Quan because of her attractive beard. Shufflyfeet! Crazy Summerslam announce table elbowdrop on Test! Kane's testicle torture. What a feud that was. Stephanie. Meh. Big Show: "She's daddy's little girl, she's not afraid to use it." Use what? Cocker Spaniel hair. Montage of slaps. What'd she get Benoit for? Cave Troll roar. I was afraid nobody was gonna say "Genetic Jackhammer," but there we go!

5 - Austin and The Attitude Era. Blarg. Austin Stunners Vince on my 15th birthday. I wonder what I got. A pony? JR: "Austin is going directly to jail!" DO NOT PASS "WHAT?" DO NOT PUNCH DEBRA IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD. Bedpan attack. Zamboner. Concrete in Vince's car. Monster truck on The Rock's Lincoln. Crazy crap. HBK doing Clinton. Val and Jenna. Al Snow dressed like an old lady for some reason. Mizark! Pimping is difficult. Mark Henry getting down with his bad self. I'm surprised Vince didn't shred his groin doing the Dude Love dance. Choppy-choppy. Kielbasa. Dear old Johnny B. Badd. Bloodbath. SAMMY! HOT! Breasteses. Midget! The Debut of Mr. Sucko.

Commercials. I hope Scarface's little friend is Pocket Rocket. I also hope JG is ready for another round of SEXAY SEXAY THANG.

4 - Weekly Visitor stuff. Mae Young's handbaby. And that hand would grow up to be the boss of Super Smash Brothers Melee. "Birth Of A Diva." Who, the hand? Just assorted broads. Get out of here, Ivory. Is Jericho doubting the sexayness of Bull Nakano? Sunny. Triple H: "Sunny had a very strong personality." YOU MIGHT SAY IT WAS A "SUNNY" PERSONALITY HA HA OH GOD PLEASE CALL DOWN THE AIR STRIKE. Sunny: "Not a bad pair, huh? I mean the belts, you know." Oh, okay, because I thought you were talking about your tits. Boy, is my face red. Retarded gladiator Farooq! Sable's awful music! THE GRIIIND. Chyna. All RAW Divas were awful, weren't they? Shelton thinks Lita was "the WWE's version of Gwen Stefani." HEY DAVE THIS SHIT IS BANANAS. This is more talking than Benjamin's done on every RAW ever. Trish. The Diva Search. Oh dear. GO ON WITH YOURSELVES, SISTAHS. Opera music? Okay.

3 - Things that you should not try at home? I just have to guess on all of these. Kurt's cage moonsault that put the block down on lockdown. HEY TEAM 3-D I RECOGNIZE THOSE GUYS. Table powerbomb for Mae. Chokeslam Straight 2 Hell. Shelton getting Chin Muzacked in the fucking face from like a month ago. TLC. Jeff Hardy. RVD. JR: "This looks like a tornado ran through a mobile home park!" What, is "trailer park" not politically correct? Big Show: "Why limit ourselves? Let's reach for the moon." It's not really made of green cheese, Show. "Long as it's safe, long as our guys go home to their families." But when a guy doesn't, hey, we'll continue with the PPV anyway.

Commercials. As much as I hate most Geico commercials, I like how Speed Racer just sits there with that dumb look on his face.

TWWWWOOOO - That Guy Who Didn't Go Home To His Family. I don't think I should make fun of this. (But you will, right?) Of course. Edge: "Christian, Gangrel, and I, we went to the hospital..." *goth music hits, Brood ascends on Hellevator with "Get Well Soon!" balloons* And then they broke into the bloodbank. Bret's speaking about it. The Owen Hart Tribute Show from May 24, 1999 which I still have on tape. I'll rebeak it sometime if I ever want to cement my spot on the Hellevator. JR: "If any of us would have had a inkling that the result was what it was gonna be, then that would've been scrapped in a heartbeat." Gee, how kind of you, you fuck. HEY OWEN YOU'RE PROBABLY GONNA DIE IF YOU DO THIS BUT GET UP THERE ANYWAY BOY WE AIN'T PAYIN' YA TO LOLLYGAG. Jarrett's speech from that night. OWEN, THIS IS YOUR GLOBAL WARNING. Debra. Shut up, Road Dogg. Go smoke a fatty in his honor. And in a show of solidarity toward Owen Hart, my tape just went dead. Oopz0rz. I guess I should have let it run for FIVE FUCKING HOURS. Now I get to make up my own #1! Excellent.

A-NUMBER-ONE AND YOU'RE A FIVE-TIME LOSER - When Triple H put a bounty on Goldberg's head but Mark Jindrak and Lance "Garrison Lance" Cade knew they were too big of pussies to collect it so they just fucking jumped Randy Orton backstage and yelled "GET THE MONEY, GET THE MONEY!!!!!" Also the valuable first appearance of Trish getting fucking kicked in the face, I think. And Ric Flair said "I JUST MURDERED MAVEN!" Great show.

Final Thoughts: THE BOUNTY, HUH? THE BOUNTY.