Pre-Trek: Oh, hell yes. This is likely the second most insane episode of TNG ever, AND it was followed by A Fistful Of Datas! We're one guest appearance by Admiral Mark Cuban away from utter perfection.

Set phasers for wacky nicknames. The zany antics begin with Captain Cockblock, That Whale From Free Willy, THE ROOOOOOOO-TRAIN, and Bill Goldberg's Wife, Whoopi. Picard, Keiko, Ro, and Guinan are on their way back from "a fascinating visit" (ORGY) on some fakity planet. Mrs. Goldberg belittles Jean-Luc for marking out over some busted-ass pieces of pottery. Ro and Keiko share a bonding moment over some ugly plants. HLA. Worf On Golf interrupts with the news that some sissies are getting attacked someplace, so hurry up and rendezvous with the Enterprise. BUT OHNO, our hero(in)es' shuttle encounters Nonsensical Outer Space Phenomenon #508! It's so intense that Guinan must struggle to keep her cardboard hat on! I bet that's a futuristic space yarmulke.

The Rikertaker threatens to kill Chief Miles O'Haire's push if he doesn't transport the captain and his mouthy wife to safety. O'Brien does so because he's awesome, but the "40% drop in mass" indicates there was a brief layover in Ohio Valley. No, it indicates that they're INEXPLICABLY FUCKING CHILDREN. I mean that they ARE children, not that they're pedophiles. The shrill young Captain Picard is all "Plz, sir, can I have some more?" Then he calls O'Brien "guvna" and sweeps his chimney for a sixpence. Seriously, people, he's supposed to be French. Haha, Ro's sleeves are way too long. CALL GARAK, STAT!

Opening credits. Space: The Stupidest Frontier.

Commercials. I see enough goddamned Spike TV commercials. Medal Of Honor: Jobbing Sun. Play as secret character Mega Man and put the hurting on all those Zeroes. The "Joneses Can Kiss My Plasma" Event. The Nathan Joneses. He'll be kissing the plasma in my gushing stream of blood as he fucking murders me. With a boomerang.

HAHA, this episode is entitled "Rascals". Starring Data as Alfalfa and Geordi as Buckwheat and Spot as that dog with the thing on its eye. Coconut Crusher uses her terrible doctoring skillz to determine jack shit. The 12 year-old captain declares that the rescue of those crybabies from before will continue as planned. He has hair, even. I wonder if he grew a new heart. Baby Guinan proclaims Baby Ro "cute". Beat the shit out of her, Ro. She instead bitches about how much the Cardassians kicked her ass as a kid. Whiny Bajorans.

This episode was directed by Adam Nimoy. Nepotism. The limey kid assures the bridge crew that he is Captain Pee-card. He may have the most annoying voice I've ever heard. Crusher tells him to stop barking orders because he's creeping everyone out. Picard agrees to put Riker in charge because he hates children so much.

Haha, Ro's swearing all over the place. Guinan skips. Elswhere, Chief O'Brien has an awkward conversation with his jailbait spouse. Drunken Irish molester. Miles, too, is weirded out, so Keiko slaps him around for awhile. Whipped. Molly O'Holly wants her preteen mother to read her a story. Babies havin' babies. But Molly doesn't recognize Keiko as her moms. O, THE SADNESS. Chief's only got one little pip thingy on his collar? What the fuck is that?

Commercials. ADT protects your house with an impenetrable fortress of ones and zeroes. Take that, binary burglars!

When we return, Picard admires his boyish good looks. Troi Aikman has to stick her goddamned boring nose into everything. Picard is embarrassed at being the Doogie Howser of Starfleet. Troi: "You could return to the Academy." Picard: "And be Wesley Crusher's roommate?" Burn. In Sickbay, Crusher confuses Riker with some explanatory DNA mumbo-jumbo. No, RVN mumbo-jumbo. RVD? Beverly thinks she can reverse the aging process by fucking around with the transporter.

Lieutenant Commander Nidia helps O'Brien study the remnants of the exploded shuttle. Geordi crumbles up a piece of "tritanium" with his BARE HANDS. Super strength! He must have descended from Mark Henry. Ro and Guinan are still bitching at one another. They agree to disagree by jumping up and down on the bed like monkeys. Guinan: "Oh yeah! Oh yeah!" Preach it, sistah! La Forge explains more weird science to his superiors. Once again, the transporter is the answer. Allen Iverson. Playa Data still hasn't located the missing distress call whiners when two Klingon birds of prey start fucking the Enterprise's shit up. GASP

Commercials. Meh.

Riker's incompetence has caused his ship to be drozzled. Somebody's boarding. Picard Junior opens the turbolift doors to reveal a Ferengi. Heh, he's taller than said Ferengi. More Ferengis materialize on the bridge to bust a cap in Worf. Riker dives for cover like a complete idiot/coward. He does manage to suspend command functions before the Ferengi beat him to death. In a STARTLING COINCIDENCE, the invaders want all "able-bodied adults" transported off the ship. Save us, Alexander! DaiMon Girin or some such declares his claim on the ship according to the Ferengi salvage code. Fucking Jawas. DaiMon Berryhill.

Commercials. Bark.

The Ferengi round up all the filthy children in the playroom or whatever. There's Alexander, Hero of the Universe! Keiko worries that the Ferengi have eaten Molly like a tube grub. Master plans are discussed. DaiMon Bradshaw admits to using the missing science team as slaves to extract some mineral he wants. Tom Zenk. He has the same intentions for the Enterprise's crew. Geordi's not going to be down with that. Riker won't give up his magic computer codes. The classroom computer system conjures A TALKING FISH to address Picard. Mr. Fish won't give him access to any big people information. "Do you know how to spell 'Enterprise'?" Don't patronize me, you motherfucking fish. Picard finally gets a map to plan his guerrilla tactics. Make it so.

Alexander gets bitched at for hitting the captain with his Klingon racecar. Picard borrows the remote-control piece of crap to zoom around the George Jefferson tubes. It's enough of a distraction to some retarded Ferengi for him to sneak into a transporter room and steal phasers. Another Ferengi is tricked into chasing Alexander, who doubles back to swipe hyposprays or something. Dude, you just got played by ALEXANDER. Now Picard bitches about how he wants to see his father to the Ferengi on guard. Jean-Luc has a Christian-esque tantrum, and the Ferengi gives in because he's so goddamned annoying. Picard, to Riker: "Dad! " Hug!

Commercials. Glub.

Picard needs Riker to convince the Ferengi to turn on some computer in the classroom. Brace yourselves for the best scene in the history of television. Picard: "Thanks, number one." The Ferengi grows suspicious. Picard: "He's my Number One Dad!" Big fake hug, complete with shit-eating grins. HOORAY! The Ferengi, like the rest of us, is nauseated. HEY, LEAVE LIVINGSTONE ALONE, DAIMON JACKASS!!! Everybody always wants a piece of that poor fish. If Riker doesn't give the heel complete control of the ship, he'll eat his son. Willie agrees. IT'S A TRAP, ADMIRAL CROWBAR! Back to ogling that lionfish.

Riker makes up a lot of fake words as he pretends to teach some Ferengi how to use the computer. I guess he gives Picard his computer access while the Ferengi is distracted by a shiny object. Jean-Luc and friends transport all the Ferengi into a forcefield by sticking them with their stupid little communicators. Keiko stabs some with needles. Picard reaches the bridge, allowing Riker to job out the stupid Ferengi with his devastating axehandle finisher. Order is both resolved and restored, they revert the crew members to normal with their transporter fix, and Chief O'Brien can get back to makin' babies. Picard has to make sure he's bald. Check. Ro opts to stay young for awhile because girls just wanna have fun. Whoopi: "That's the wonderful thing about crayons. They can take you to more places than a starship." Lady, you're crazy.

Final Thoughts: I guess that was less crazy than I remembered. Still, ALEXANDER WAS PRACTICALLY PICARD'S RIGHT-HAND MAN.