Pre-Trek: Sofa warned me about this one. Jesus Christ. This episode, entitled "Genesis", is undoubtedly the most insane television show ever. I figured it'd just be footage of Wesley Crusher playing Sonic The Hedgehog for 60 minutes straight, but I was wrong. So wrong. The most ridiculous parts are in CAPITALED LETTERS for EMPHASIS.

Our roller coaster ride begins in Sickbay with Shades of Poker Face. Riker requires treatment because he ROLLED ONTO A CACTUS while he was SCREWING SOME BROAD. Meanwhile, Charles Barclay is dying from the aptly named TERELLIAN DEATH SYNDROME. Wait, it's the flu. I love it when a diagnosis comes together. Lieutenant Commander Chris Benoit brings in Spot the Cat who is PREGNANT. Unlike Randy Orton, Barclay has bad jeans. Nurse Ever-Present Asian Woman doesn't deserve boldface, although she's in like every episode. Data does not want to know the sex of the kittens because he wants it to be a SURPRISE. "Alyssa" the Asian woman pretty much blurts out "I'M GONNA HAVE BABIES LIKE SPOT OMG", which is the best way of declaring a pregnancy ever. The father is "Andrew", proving that Test's still making his rounds even in the 24th century or whatever the hell. Data proposes he give Andy some advice from one expectant father to another, leading us to believe that DATA IMPREGNATED HIS CAT.

Opening credits. Bestiality: The Final Frontier.

TAKE MY WORF... PLEASE ROFL shoots off some magic torpedoes he invented, but one ESCAPES! Captain Ahab and Data pursue it in a shuttle, because a Starfleet captain's top priority is to tool around after rogue torpedoes all day. FROM HELL'S HEART HE STABS AT THEE. Before they can leave, Data has to make sure Barclay acts as MIDWIFE for his CAT. He plans to run DNA tests to determine which of the Enterprise's "12 male felines" is HIS CAT'S BABY DADDY. It's like Jenny Jones in space. Jenny J'onnzz.

Some boring stuff. Worf's pissed about not being able to get his torpedoes up, so he has to go eat some octopus tentacles and shit. Troi doesn't get a nickname because she's stupid. She drinks a lot of water while Worf leers at some cocktail waitress. That night, Worf murders his bed and devours its delicious innards.

Fuck commercials.

Barclay's jumping around like more of a retard than usual in Engineering. Hey, that ensign kind of looks like Slater Vain. On the bridge, Troi and Worf get into a fight about the temperature like two old married Jews. "I NEED A BATH. YOU HAVE THE BRIDGE." Barclay and Kunta Kinte are crawling around the Thomas Jefferson tubes to do some pretend engineer bullshit when Geordi gets all BLOWN UP. In the Big Show way, not the William Regal way. Time for restholds. Ensign Vain asks Riker a question and he's all "DUH". He was getting fat by this point, by the way.

Troi is taking her bath in her UNIFORM when Worf bursts in with intentions of RAPE. HE BITE HER! Haha, look at the blood. *Brood music* Now back to Sickbay, where Troi has a fucking giant bite mark on her face. Fabulous. Doctor Crusher starts bitching at Worf about how no means no. She doesn't deserve a nickname either, although she did direct this magnificent bastard. I guess she can be The Doctor of Thugonomics. She's distressed by the VENOM SACS Worf has developed, but he remains unconssserned. So unconssserned that he spits GREEN MIST!!!!!! in her face. I'm not even fucking lying. Crusher sells it.

Elswhere, Pregnant Asian Woman tells us that the mist MELTED CRUSHER'S FACE. But she can rebuild it or something. Like Two-Face. Barclay continues to fidget around like a creepout, while Riker's like "SPIT NO AM GOOD. DUH." Nurse Preggers is turning into a gorilla, I think. OH MAN, I bet her baby DIES so she starts raising one of Spot's KITTENS as her own. What a plot twist. RIKER NO REMEMBER COMPUTAR PASS-WORD. HURR.

Data and Picard are back from bitchslapping the sassy torpedo. They find the Enterprise floating about all haphazardly because it's now a fucking space zoo. They return to the darkened ship and hear plenty of barking and shit. It's the Mack Militant. Upon entering Troi's quarters, they find her to be FROG-WOMAN. With that little bullfrog throaty thing and everything. Gah. Our heroes find the drozzled corpse of Ensign Midcarder on the bridge. Now to the ready room or whatever, where CRO-MAGNON RIKER IS TRYING TO EAT LIVINGSTON. He's FUCKING TRYING TO EAT PICARD'S LIONFISH, but he's HINDERED BY THE TANK. Orgg starts flinging his feces and whatnot, so Data has to shoot him a lot. "De-evolving" is finally said. I want to play in the sand.

Apparently all this bullshit was somehow caused by Barclay's flu remedy, proving that Crusher is a horrible doctor. With no face. We run through some evolutionary gobbledygook. Jesus hates this episode. Picard also has the disease. He will turn into a turtle. A bald one. Wait, Data PROVES ME WRONG: "I believe you will also de-evolve into an earlier form of primate, possibly similar to a LEMUR or PYGMY MARMOSET." HAHA. This is the best ever. Like The Rock, Picard makes monkey jokes.

Our adventure takes us to Data's crib, where Spot is apparently still Spot. Not like your dog Spot or a liver spot. AWWWW, kittens! ^_^ I was wrong yet again, because Spot is AN IGUANA. Wearing a PINK COLLAR. The kittens were unaffected because of... let's go with magic again. Spot's magic placenta. So now they need a magic Human placenta and decide to steal Nurse Ogawa's. OGAWA. That name rules. A good name for a gorilla. The plan will have to wait, however, as the Enterprise is going to blow up because of Geordi's laziness. He's probably a mole.

There's webs all over Engineering. Perhaps Sean O'Haire has visited. JESUS BARCLAY POPS UP OUT OF NOWHERE AND HE'S GOT GROSS SPIDER EYES AND SHIT. B.A. Barachus would not stand for this. Picard is incredibly panicked, like some sissy little monkey. Hey, maybe Data will turn into a Super Nintendo.

To Sickbay, where, eww, Ogawa is indeed a gorilla. A really creepy Planet of the Apes-like one. Data steals her abortion fluids and what have you. Jesus really hates this episode. Worf tries to break in, and Picard deduces that it's because he wants to GET HIS FREAK ON with Amphibitroi. Data steals some of Troi's stank pheromones to heel trick Worf. Picard will lure him away. RUN! RUN LIKE A LEMUR! I think Worf has been transformed into the Predator. We need Jesse Ventura and his many boas. Picard electrocutes Worf and gives him a hilarious stuttering problem. Data then fixes everything with his nasty fetus cure. What a ripoff. What did La Forge's lazy ass turn into? I bet it was something lazy.

Barclay blames himself. Adorable. I guess Crusher's face came back. The term "Barclay's Protomorphosis Syndrome" is coined. A happy ending.

Final Thoughts: Evolution is a mystery. That started insane and tapered off. And where the fuck was O'Brien? He could have turned into a leprechaun.