Welcome to primetime! Yes, OF COURSE, 10 PM still counts as primetime! Y'ALL SHOULD KNOW WHO TELLS UNTRUTHS, T-N-A, T-N-A.

The X-Title match is starting in-progress, so we'll get the first four minutes off of JewTube. FOUR MINUTES AND WE OUTTA HERE, THE SOMETHING SOMETHING AND I ATE A BABY. Joe is too apathetic to think of rhymes. Oh, you crazy Samoans.

Samoa Troll v. My Finisher Is A Tribute To My Favorite Sitcom, "Wings"

Haha, Daniels' stupid goth music is just playing forever and ever. Joe's hair comes to a stupid little point like a Kewpie Doll. JOE IS GONNA TROLLLL YOU. Make baiting comments on the TNA messageboards. That horrible Wings joke makes me think of Shalhoub, which makes me think of the episode of Monk where he declines to rub the bingo dude's lucky troll because he's "been rubbing trolls all day." A lesson in how broken my brain is. Wow, this screen sure is tiny. My, Christopher Daniels, what ugly hotpants you have. Whoops, I just started my VCR when I should have started my Internets video. THIS IS HARD, HOW DO YOU DO IT, THE CUBS FAN???

Referee Andrew Thomas holds the title aloft. Wow, no announcers? Blessed silence. Feeling one another out until Joe begins mauling with knee and elbow strikes. Forearm to the face, but Daniels fights back with gutshots. Side headlock, whipped off, Daniels puts some oomph into his shoulderblock attempt, but Joe is going nowhere. JOE IS GONNA STAAAND THERE. Staredown. Off the ropes to try again, and this time Joe gets a running start and plows him. Kicking the man while he's down. Off the ropes, Joe hops over, drop toehold by the champ. He builds a head of steam for another attempt at a leaping shoulderblock, and this one sends Joe sprawling. Joe heads outside to take a walk. "SLOPPY JOE" chant. Joe's throwing chairs around already. Back in, lockup, Joe drives Daniels into the corner and molests him. Hard European uppercut, hard knife-edge chop. Corner whip, but the running knee strike comes up empty, and Joe gets staggered by forearms. Whip by Daniels, attempt at a leaping leg lariat, but Joe Casual Fridays it. Daniels blocks Joe's soccer kick and retaliates with a big jawbreaker. Side headlock, into a takedown that grounds Joe. Back up, whipped off, clothesline ducked, waistlock, shoved into the ropes, but Joe prevents a roll-up by hanging on. Joe rushes, hops over, then snags Daniels out of the air on a leapfrog attempt and flapjacks him. Loaded up for a big slap to the face. And now LOOK MAW, WE'RE ON THE TEEVEE!

Okay, that was not a direct cut, because we go from Daniels on the turnbuckles to Daniels seated on a chair and getting his face Olay Kicked into the barricade. He's bleeding. A LOT. Jesus, those rivulets on blood on his weird bald head look like skull fractures. Highlights of what we didn't see. Oh, there's Daniels on the turnbuckles. He got his feet under Joe's arms and sort of 'rana'd him to the outside. Split-legged Asai moonsault! But Joe shoved his skull into the ringpost. Currently, Joe rolls Daniels back in and stalks him. Boot to the bloody head. Again. Daniels fights back with more gutshots until Joe kicks his bony chest. Gross, Joe's gnawing on his open wound! THAT'S NOT WHERE BABIES COME FROM! Great, now I just supplanted that with an even grosser visual. Of Joe eating tacos. Potato Oles. I need to stop talking. You have Jimmy Fallon hair, Samoa Joe. Wounded, Daniels lingers in the corner and tries to kick him away. Does not work. Liger's not going to be at Lockdown to fight Daniels now, so way to announce that prematurely, Mike Tenay, you ejaculator. The captain of Team Japan (KEN-ZO???) protested. But he'll be bringing his squad. His rugby squad. Joe gouges Daniels' head and makes him bleed disgustingly. West: "I'm tellin' ya, folks, if you're squeamish, you'd better leave the room right now!" OKAY, GOODBYE. Will you personally telephone me and tell me when it's over, Don West? Snapmare by Joe, spine chop, chest kick, off the ropes, crushing kneedrop! Daniels is dying. 1, 2, no. Facelock on the busted head. Daniels fights up and elbows free. Off the ropes, clothesline ducked, but Joe just knocks the shit out of him with a flying enzuigiri. Joe measures his opponent for a stomp to the cut. Arranged in the corner for jabs and chops. Going apetits on him. Daniels is dead weight, sprawled out on the bottom rope. Punching back is Daniels, but it does no good. Joe with a big chop to the head. What is that, a Mongolian chop? Shades of Mongo. Corner whip, HARD running forearm! Then Joe turns away and BUSTS HIM with a Pele-esque enzuigiri! Joe's almost got a mohawk going now. Johawk. Boot rake in the corner becomes the Facewash, then off the ropes to finish it. Daniels is rasping out his death rattle. Baby joke, baby joke. Joe wants to try it again, but Daniels stands up and blocks! Dragon screw legwhip! Daniels charges into the corner with a high knee RIGHT to the face! Corner whip, trying another, but Joe catches and buries him with the uranage! And leers at him like some weird ogre. Let's take a break.

Commercials. Get up, Dwyane Wade, you pussy. I still don't know how to spell your name. The Converse is the world Rob Conway exists in.

We're back to find Daniels getting loaded up and dropped with a powerbomb. Joe maintains his grip to cover for two, then rolls him over into a Samoan crab. Forgoing that in lieu of an STF while bashing a knuckle into the open wound. Haha, you are so mean, Samoa Joe. NOW GIVE HIM A WET WILLIE. Jesus, now it's almost the Rings Of Saturn as Daniels bleeds all over the mat. He finally manages to hook the bottom rope with his foot. Joe is not pleased. Boot to the head. "FALLEN ANGEL." Joe tells them to shut up as his hair has now turned him into Ed Grimley. Chest kick. Again. Off the ropes, boot sidestepped, and Daniels pops him with a climb-up enzuigiri! One more! Joe bumbles in with an attack, so Daniels drops him with the Flatliner! Daniels pulls himself up and rocks Joe with a running forearm. Clothesline. Off the ropes, rolling over the back, ARCH DELUXE JAWBREAKER! Daniels is freaking out. He's up top... flying shoulderblock knocks Joe down! 1, 2, no! Loading Joe up on the top rope before Daniels follows... super hurricanrana! 1, 2, no. Joe comes back out of nowhere with an inverted atomic drop. Off the ropes, sailing dropkick! Big fat fatty senton HITS KNEES! Daniels is up, but Joe crushes him with the deep powerslam! 1, 2, no! Joe wants a back suplex, but Daniels flips behind. Attempting his own back suplex, which is dumb, as Joe smacks him on his bloody head. Off the ropes, swing blocked, BACK SUPLEXED UP INTO BLUE THUNDER!!! 1, 2, Joe kicks out! Now he retaliates by slapping the shit out of Daniels. The champ starts ducking them and going punch crazy. Now he's the one slapping Joe, but Joe regains control with kicks to the body. Daniels evades the last one and hits the legsweep STO! Boing, boing, BEST MOONSAULT EVER! Really gorgeous, too. 1, 2, no. Again Daniels loads Joe on the top rope... Joe leans back (and does the Rockaway) to avoid a swing, then locks on the rear naked choke! Daniels jacks him in the head to break, then knocks him stupid with the big Judo chop! Climbing up for a superplex, but Joe fights it off and fireman's carries Daniels into position for something... SUPER SCREWDRIVER OFF THE SECOND ROPE!!! HOLY GOD. 1, 2, 3! The Island Driver. Joe and his Nowinski hair have regained the X-Title, and he's calling someone on the Handphone to celebrate. But Sabu's music and Tits 'N Asstron video play, making Joe sad.

Borash is backstage with Sting Wasn't In The Scorpions, He Was In The Police. But not the Space Police. Sting issued a challenge to Jeff Jarrett "before God and man." Does God watch Impact, really? I'd hope he has better things to do. Sting, to Jeff: "You are more nervous than me!" Zing! He really does cut horrible, hyped-up Shawn Michaels promos. This is your brain on Jesus.

Still to come, the Deadlies vs. AMW in a street fight.

Commercials. You're ruining whatever goodwill you earned from Benchwarmers, Romanowski.

Earlier this week, Tenay spoke to SIX SIDES OF SWIMMING POOL GLUG GLUG. Why is Tenay never in these, though? Stop taking credit for other people's hard work. Christian was mad that his wife was being stalked. MAD. What a terrible match this is going to be. This time, it's personal.

MORE LIKE TEAM 69!!! v. GO BACK TO THE RED PLANET, COMMIES

Ooh, wifebeaters. Very nice. I like Gail's skankulous Old West Hooker bodice, too. Old Don West. All up on Harris' junk again. Yeah, way to hold up an American flag, Brother Raye. It's always us versus the Martians. Team 3-D hits the ring and THEY ARE FIGHTING IN THE STREETS. Punch, punch, punch. West: "It is so deadly!" Harris whips Buh Buh and cuts him down with a back elbow, but Raye no-sells and wigs out. Clothesline. Storm gets sandwiched into Harris in the corner. I FEAR SOMETHING GAY IS ABOUT TO TAKE PLACE. Devon avalanche, then a Buh Buh fatvalanche. Wait, don't throw them out of there, their pants were about to fall down or something. Jackie and Gail hit the ring for some reason to argue. Gail slaps Gayda around a little bit, but she is stupid, because the Deadlies like to beat women. AMW ambush, though. Takin' a brizzeak.

Commercials. United 93. Because the passengers on those other three planes musta been PUSSIES or somethin'. Vegas21Club.net. Always the most sought-after domains, the .nets. Sought after by Mark Jindrak. LOL 4/20 IS LIKE A MARIJUANA REFERENCE WAY TO GO SPIKE TV

Devon is punching upon Harris, but Topato goes to the throat. Now strangulatin' Devon with his leafy wrist tendrils. Whip, tape clothesline, tag to Storm. Double whip, double clothesline ducked, Devon's flying one is not. That guy in the front row wearing the dress shirt and tie and getting all into it is really distracting. Hot tag to Raye, who cleans house of little green men. Clotheslines for all. Storm gets pitched, so does Harris. The Deadlies follow them outside to fight. Storm's head meets the chair that some douche was holding up. Fighting in the crowd are Harris and Devon. Chris gets tossed into a retaining wall after Buh Buh rips Storm's Hanes up and chops him. Brawleries. Devon's back is rammed into the wall. He regains control and launches Harris over the barricade. Beltshot to Topato's head. Propelled by Raye, Storm breaks part of the wall with his drunken stumblings. West said "Brother Wei." Okay, I'm getting bored. Harris hits Devon in the nuts. Or, as I originally typed, "huts Devon in the huts." Pizzas, Jabbas, you make the call. Raye puts a beltshot on Storm. Buh Buh tosses it away like it was a piece of dirty garbage, allowing us to realize that it must have been some fan's replica. Devon reverses a whip to send Harris into the railing. In the ring, Raye whips Storm before pulling a Brother Shango. You might WANT tables, but you GET the Fuck You Gesture, hahaha. Off the ropes, clothesline ducked, scoop slam by Raye. Devon's headed up to find out What is Up, but Harris shoves him down. Raye goes after Topato and gets beaten up. Now Devon and Storm prance around until the Sheriff Ponykick is ultimately eaten. Raye's back. Whip by Storm, charging in to take a backdrop to the floor. But LOOK OUT, FLYING SCOTT STAPP LARIAT, hahaha. With Arms Wide Open. Harris covers Raye for two.

Corner whip by Topato, who runs into a back elbow. Buh Buh to the second rope... Big Fat Senton That Never Works doesn't work! Storm tosses a trash can to his partner. It contains all the Oscars that Brokeback Mountain didn't win. Whack to Buh Buh's stupid head! 1, 2, NO! Harris is pissed. AMW are calling for the finish, which appears to be a Trash Can Death Sentence on Devon... nope, Raye shoves Harris to the floor! Storm ducks a clothesline, but his really sad Sheriff Ponykick attempt is caught and turned into the doubleteam reverse neckbreaker. 1, 2, CAPTAIN CAAAVEMAAAAN pulls referee Buff Bagwell's Referee out and clocks him! Neanderthals were very short and slopey-browed. Tenay, like he was Paul Fucking Revere or somebody: "THE CANADIANS HAVE INTERFERED!" Team 3-D yell at Petey until Roode and Young and A-1 jump them. Petey finds a table under the ring. Set up in the ring as Roode stomps a trash can into Buh Buh's fat. Ringing the bell millions of times as Young prepares a flying table elbow onto Devon. Tenay: "YOU GOTTA THROW THIS MATCH OUT!" THIS IS CLEARLY A BREACH OF STREET FIGHT ETIQUETTE!!! HOLY CRAP, THE BOSS IS BACK, EVERYBODY LOOK BUSY!!! I guess Petey needed to pick on somebody his own size, because Spike is here with his really awful haircut. Crotching Eric! Ducking A-1's clothesline to hit the Stupid Little Spear on Petey! Crotch kick for A-1! Tenay: "IT'S 3-D'S BROTHER! IT'S THE RUNT OF THE 3-D LITTER!" Walking up A-1 to deliver the DEADLY DAWGGGGG on Roode, which Tenay is allowed to call the Acid Drop! Dance On Your Face Dance for Petey! Chest beating! I love Spike. A-1 takes the DEADLY DEATH DROP through the table! Hugging on Spike as Eric and Petey are hilariously all "WTF?"

Global Impact takes us to Martinsville, Virginia, where NASCAR legends Michael and Darrell Waltrip did something. Michael, his father Darrell, and his other father Darrell. I guess. Do I LOOK like Super Asia to you? Scott Riggs looks nothing like the eyepatched Flock member that I remember. Hermie Sadler and JEFF HAMMOND! Hahahahaha, Hammond got motherfucking El Kabonged. NOTE NECK (OF GUITAR). SA really SHOULD have pinch-hit for this.

Commercials. Lucky Number what?

Sting stuff.

Borash is backstage with Space Invaders of all sorts. How is Jeff responding to Sting's challenge? "Ah have never, ever backed down from a challenge! Ah have always taken matters into muh own hands! Ah have always solved muh own problems! And tonight is no different!" Sting's "durn right" that it's Showtime, because he'll be facing Eric Young, of course! Hahahaha, Shelley just totally raped him with his hands. Young's not thrilled, but everybody chants for him.

ARACHNOPHOBIA (w/ John Goodman) v. SCORPIONS HAVE PRICKERS

Prankers. Scorpions are arachnids, right? Probably. Allow me to count your legs, Sting. He wants it to say "Showtime" down THIS leg... Pyro terrors. Sign: "FINISH HIM!!!" Take it easy, Liu Kang. Sting goes through his rigamarole, causing Eric to bail. D'Amore: "It's all you!" Back in, Eric gets all fired up in Ultimate Warrior/Bushwhacker fashion, then scampers right out again. Slap by D'Amore as we see Shelley prancing on down with the camera. Sting traps Eric in the corner, so Young grapples him and turns things around. Corner whip reversed, Young slings over a charge. His chops and punches get no-sold, so Sting terrifies him with a pose. Punch, kick, then collaring him into a hard and bouncy fall to the floor. Ow. Shelley helps him up. Sting with a plancha onto both @Lx and Eric! Ramming Eric into the guardrail. Aww, Shelley is making a tiny little Letterbomb in attempt to beg off. Smashed into the railing. Now Sting dipshittedly tries a Stinger Splash on Eric, but D'Amore pulls him to one side, causing Sting to crash into the steel. Let's take a break.

Commercials. Blarg.

Back to find Eric stomping on Sting. Choked on the middle rope. Cheap shot by D'Amore. Scoop slam by Young, who drops an elbow for two. Punching away. Tenay explains the Lethal Lockdown Wargames rules, but I'm not listening or anything. Punches are traded until Eric dies. He rakes the eyes, though. Head to the buckle. Corner whip, Eric graces us with a Sting Yell, then misses his Spastic Splash. Hung up on the top turnbuckle, so Sting kicks him into crotchitization on the top rope. Moosey Ride. Stinger Splash hits D'Amore when he tries to yank Eric to safety again! Alex gets up on the apron and does a little dance until Sting decks him. Scorpion Death Drop on Young! 1, 2, 3. Hahaha, Sting's posing in the middle of the ring when Shelley nails him from behind. What a midget he is. Whip, dropkick gets nothing when Sting clings to the ropes, so here's the Scorpion Deathlock. Maybe if SOMEBODY hadn't alienated the A/V Club, they would be here to help you with their knowledge of entymology. Shelley taps out immediately, but here comes Uncle Jeff with the guitar. El Kabong ducked, and Jarrett gets beaten upon. Whip reversed, but Jeff charges into a back elbow. Got the guitar, but Sting's got the bat... and he blocks El Kabong with it! Ha. Smashing the husk now, and Jeff panics. AMW hit the ring and get bat beatings. Steiner is the only competent one, and the tide briefly turns until TEAM WE HATE FAGGETS run in and swing baseball bats wildly. AJ, Rhino, and Killings. Sting, to the Invaders: "Hey, kids! Hey, you children, you children... you children get back to your mom and dad." What the fuck is wrong with you, Sting? He announces that his army is in the ring. "We'll see you at Lockdown, little kid!" And by "little kid," he means you are a young child! I swear to god that Tenay just called Rhino "Tardo." And the fact that I am laughing at that would seem to indicate that it is five in the morning! WIDDILY WIDDILY GUITAR LICKS

Lockdown Muzac Video. Er, no, Stuff That Happened On This Show music video.

Final Thoughts: Hey, that was good. Little kid. Baby boy.