Pre-Heat: I feel really bad for Lamont. He works hard and has a good attitude.

Heat opening.

Here's a shot of the rainy exterior of Michael Colestein's beloved Cow Palace in San Francisco, CA. We quickly kick it to My Friend Matt And I Can Get Married Here! Dubbed "The King of Turnstiles" by Cole, Josh Mathews and his turtleneck await the arrival of Goldberg. He ain't here, yo.

Our hosts for the Smackdown-brand Heat are the aforementioned Moo Better Than Kanyon along with What Da Hell? Quick, to the card!

Las Cucarachas Are On My Side, Holmes! challenges I Wish Politicians Would Crack Down On Soft Money for the WWE championship. Please keep in mind that all of tonight's matches will be held in Nathan Jones' prison cell.

Mucha Lucha meets Muchos Chavos for the Cruiserweight title. Various boxers and fathers will get involved. I bet even Max Kellerman hasn't heard of that Paella dude.

The Mayor Of Amayorica versus Whether Burpin' Or Fartin'... versus Wigger Is Better for the #1 contendershiphood. The winner gets a title shot at WrestleMania, the Chad and Grandaddy Of 'Em All.

Geordi Noble Boy faces I Hate Minks in a wifebeatin' match. Here's a package that takes us back to happier times. Specifically, when some old broad died. "We're goin' to Applebees!" But things soured when Tajiri spit on Nidia for wearing Tugboat's old outfit. Listen to that break-squealing noise when Nidia pulls up short to avoid hitting Rey. Jesus. And we see Nidia shred her Meng coat. It was made from Meng's afro, but now it's with Pepe and Moppy.

Jung Dragon Funaki stands with Mr. Noble. He wants Jamie's thoughts on the blindfold match. "I mean, the girl's had me blindfolded plenty enough at the house, but this is a wrestlin' match! How am I supposed to see to defend myself, Funaki?" ANSWER HIM, FUNAKI! Jamie's worried that Nidia will hit him in the tiny log. "How's it gonna look if Jamie 'By God' Noble gets beat by a girl? By a girl, Funaki!" I wonder why I find it so amusing every time he says "Funaki".

Tonight, Ultimo/Kidman/London do battle with Funaki 'n Friends. Er, Tajiri 'n Friends. I've got Funaki on the brain, Funaki.

Commercials. Life is hard, man, la vida is too. John Henson's going to make jokes about that penis-eatin' German. Jon Heidenreich.

The Whatever Rewing is Rhyno getting disqualified for his loving caress of Jim Korderas. What a shitty Rewing.

Tazz is disturbed by the hovering WWE blimp. "That blimp's rather close to us, Cole. Look at that. There it is. Grab it!" Anyhow, that shitty Rewing ties in to the shitty Rematch between How Do You Like Slapped-Together Matches Now? and RHYNO-MITE!!! Because he explodes. Aw, who asked you?

Here's the same yokels from Velocity telling us who they feel will become the #1 contender. Why doesn't the kid in the Hurricane mask get a say? IS HIS OPINION NOT VALID????? Oh, there's his prediction. Fuhgeddaboudit. Speaking of which, Chuck Palumbo and Billy Gunn should go ahead and get married tonight. And when everyone's dancing at the reception, Johnny Stamboli will keep cutting in and out. Don't you look at me. In other news, Kurt Angle is not "hot".

Tazz: "Well, first of all, you can't see me. That's the first thing." Let us take you back to Smackdown, where Kurt Angle was attacked by a mysterious assailant right after Orlando Jordan raped him. Chairshots for Show and Cena. I'd say the latter got a bad rap, but it wouldn't be the first time, ho ho ho ho. See what pre-PPV Heats make me do?

Backstage, the RUe Man Group wonders if the Big Show attacked Angle. Show: "You know, you're beautiful, but you're not very smart, are ya?" She's like a female Big Show. He claims innocence in the Angle case, but Show promises to face Brok at WrestleMania. Unless Eddie's the champ. "The giant versus Eddie Guerrero?" Show thinks that's comical. Who's this "The Giant" character?

Commercials. Don't even care.

Josh still hasn't seen Goldberg.

From Smackdown, Torrie and Sable told RUe that they're a couple of big ol' dykes. Opposites attract, like that video with Paula Abdul and the anthropomorphic cat.

Tazz confiscates Cole's Playboy on the grounds that Michael is underage.

Also from Smackdown, the F-Cincos sang a song about Eddie Guerrero's addiction to smokin' roaches. Earlier Today, Eddie arrived in a lowrider.

Later, Jap, Jew, Fag against Jap! Jap! Jap! (Note: Some Japs may not actually be Japs.)

Commercials. Stripperella is "critically-acclaimed". Yeah. "Critcs agree... 'Stripperella is on Spike TV!'" A rave review!

The YJ Stinger Sting of the Night is the sting of Bradshaw's fat arm.

Always Purchasing Africans versus I'm Not Shaniqua! Come On!

Back to the mayor, who fails to spot Goldberg despite standing on his tippytoes. His own tippytoes, not Goldberg's.

Here's a package about Chavo's metamorphosis into one mean hombre. It moves on to the Chavo/Rey feud. You aren't really going to take his mask, are you, Chavo? Plz don't.

Remember, some people will pretend to fight soon.

Commercials. Cody Banks is a Secret Asian Man. And now he has a wacky black sidekick who weighs 1,500 pounds! I hate you, Anthony Anderson! Hooray!

Your WrestleMania Recall is Yokozuna falling off the turnbuckles just like Orlando Jordan did on Velocity.

The official theme song of No Way Out is Rey Mysterio's "Crossing Borders". Cole: "Now this is real singin'!"

Assckiwbs defend their tag titles against Freaky And/Or Deaky (w/ Shaniqy). I was shooting for "Assclowns" there, but we'll just let the chips fall where they may. Is "chips" the word I want there? I am SO off my game tonight.

Goldberg's front row seat has Eddie Guerrero's face on it. Gross.

Mixed Jobbers v. The Suit-Panty Pals

Wow, Ultimo gets his own entrance. Cole: "...a great way to whet your appetite for No Way Out..." Tazz: "Well, if it gets too wet, you can put it out with that fire! Huh huh huh! Yeah, anyway..." Kidman and London enter to "Ahhhh, Yeaaah" rather than "Hateful Spanky Music". Oops, commercials.

Oops, Commercials. Benoit faces HBK on RAW. "She was the F.B.I.'s first deaf agent..." Nunzio was all "Whatsamatta you?" and she's like "I'm deaf!" and then Chuck Palumbo says "WELCOME TO THE DEAF-B.I.!" I don't know where Stamboli was. Probably pummeling me for being so awful.

Welp... here come da Japs! Tajiri's all "Look at that guy, Sakoda". London starts with Akio. Has Akio even attempted Akio Time since his Heat match against Dreamer? Eh. They're probably saving that finisher for The Undertaker. Lockup, waistlock by Akio, followed by a pair of standing switches. Akio applies a brief full-nelson before fussing with Paul's arm. Now a side headlock, whipped off, and London falls to the shoulderblock. "You ain't got nothin'," says Akio, prompting Bill Demott to complain about how Paul can understand him. London kips up into a headscissors! Tazz justifies my existence by saying both "kip" and "nip". Clothesline ducked by London, who sits on the top rope to do his cute little Kick You As I Jump Over You maneuver.

A pseudo-Japanese armdrag takes Akio down and into an armbar. He escapes with a kneelift. Whip, blind tag by Kidman, head down too soon, kick by London. Paul holds Akio in sidewalk slam position for Kidman's slingshot legdrop! 1, 2, no. Akio retaliates with a jawbreaker and brings in Sakoda. Kick, kick. Whip, clothesline ducked, tilt-a-whirl headscissors from Billy. Sakoda reverses a whip, allowing Akio to strike with a kneelift. Kidman turns and touches his ears so that Sakoda can attack with an axehandle from behind. Double enzuigiris! Tajiri pretends to tag in and covers for two. Referee Jim Korderas EJECTS TAJIRI because HE DIDN'T SEE THE NON-EXISTENT TAG that could have EASILY BEEN MADE!!! I can't decide if that makes him the best referee ever or the worst referee ever. Either way, LET'S RANDOMLY capitalize ENTIRE WORDS.

Akio's back for stompy. Front chancery. Now Tajiri actually does tag in to nail Kidman with a kick. Snapmare, spine kick. 1, 2, no. Ninja Chokeout. Billy escapes, but Tajiri stomps him down. A shot for Ultimo causes the faces to barge in against Korderas' wishes, allowing Team Tajiri to capitalize with tripleteam dropkicks to the head! Yoshi covers Kidman, but Korderas is still bitchin'. Finally he counts, 1, 2, London saves. Akio tags in for foot-related offense. 1, 2, no. Choking on the middle rope. Corner whip reversed, but Kidman charges into a boot. He ducks Akio's spinning heel kick and drills him with a dropkick!

Hot tag to Ultimo! He peppers Tajiri with lightning kicks. Lightning Foot. Akio slows Dragon down with a flying fist. Whip, clothesline ducked, springboard moonsault! Waistlock by Sakoda, but he gets floored when Ultimo ducks what may have been the IMPTHOKK! Chops for Tajiri. Whip reversed, backdrop attempt, but Dragon flips out to his feet. Kick, whip, handspring elbow! 1, 2, again London makes a save. But Akio hiptosses him to the floor! Kidman clotheslines HIM out! Scoop by Tajiri, but Dragon slips behind... roundhouse thrust kick to the throat! Ultimo summons oxygen or whatever for the Asai DDT, but Sakoda catches him on his shoulder. Thrust kick by Tajiri, powerslam by Sakoda! He chucks Kidman out as Tajiri covers Dragon... 1, 2, 3!

More crap. I'd tell you to order No Way Out, but it's too late. We close with an Eddie/Brok package. Guerrero's addicted to orale vato esse holmes vato esse holmes holmes orale esse.

Final Thoughts: Is that Goldberg? No, it's just Captain Picard.