Pre-Heat: It was a good day. The lowly Bears defended the land of Hyrule against evil quarterback Rich Gannon, and the Cubs struck a blow for Native Americans everywhere. Because there's a lot of Native Americans in, say, Trinidad.

From RAW, JR defeated Coach and Jericho lost his shit. Security should have tackled Austin like that hippie than ran onto Turner Field.

Heat opening. Explosions. I'm not a fan of that Comic Book Guy/Hurricane sign, I'm sorry. Coach and Al bemoan their sitchiation.

Runts v. Lieutenant Jim Dangle (w/ The Jackie Who's Not Black, Ya'll)

Close-up on a "You Suck" sign. So pointless. Rico's dangerously close to wearing Insane Clown Posse makeup tonight. And his pants are borderline Beefcake. I'm solidly behind the red glitter in his hair, however.

Spike wants a lockup, Rico wants to make out. Let's try it again. Rico dodges the lockup in favor of a big gay waistlock. Spike reverses, causing Rico to bend over and invite assplay. He keeps touching a finger to his lips to indicate naughtiness. Jackie likes it. Another lockup, Spike wrings the arm. Stevie Richards versus Lance Storm later. Rico escapes an armbar by somersaulting jauntily about. There's a pose for the crowd's benefit, but Spike decks him with a clothesline. Whip, hiptoss. Dropkick, wacky dancing stomps!

Dudley has an adorable cowlick, by the way. Rico could just eat him up. Big bulldog takedown by Spike. Rico whips him out of the side headlock, but Spike slides through the legs. Already looking for the Dudley Blog, but Rico flops forward to make it another headlock takeover. Dudley keeps it applied. He breaks in the corner, where Rico lands a cheap right hand. Corner whip, Spike defends against the charge with a back elbow. AGAIN he wants the Acid Drop, but Rico chucks him into the corner. Stomping. Rico begins to suplex Spike in from the apron, then decides to hang him up on the top rope instead. A big kneelift sends Dudley all the way to the floor. Rico does squat thrusts.

"Rico Sucks", I think. Assorted clubbery from the fashion designer or whatever he is. His homosexual splash finds only turnbuckle, however. Right hands from Spike, whip reversed. Rico chucks him into the air and BURIES him with that beautiful over-the-shoulder powerslam! Cover, but Spike's twiglimbs are tangled in the ropes. A big forearm to the chin drops Spike once more. Another cover gets two. Rico twists Spike's neck. Dudley's waving his little arms about as if to fend off invisible demons or something. TOO MANY ACID DROPS OMG. Duds fights to his feet and elbows free, but Rico clubs him one.

Corner whip, Spike slings up for a headscissors, but Rico tosses him out to the apron. Rico unwisely turns away to dust the straight germs off his hands... NO, he comes back and drills the ascending Spike with a kick to the head! Rico, you're the smartest gay man I know. Up he climbs, but Dudley will have none of the superplex. Biting! Rico's shoved down for the top rope double stomp! Chest beatery and an inverted atomic drop. A clothesline puts Rico down for two. Al: "Not the size of the man in the fight but the size of the man IN the fight. I don't know what I just said." Whip reversed by Rico, but he tosses Spike up into a hurricanrana! 1, 2, NO!

Spike makes his third attempt at the Dudley Dog and still can't get it. He does make good on his goofy forward legsweep pin, however... 1, 2, no! Whip reversed, Lawgiver ducked, stupid little spear! Jackie is on hand to talk sass to referee Charles Robinson. Spike goes over to either kiss or beat her, but Rico's ambush accidentally hits Gayda! Roll-up by Dudley! 1, 2, Rico turns it over! Grabbing the pants... 1, 2, 3! A vanquished Spike pleads his pants-pulling case, but no go.

Commercials. JESUS, one for the Macho Man's CD that JG so helpfully pointed out! Featuring such phat beats as "Be A Man (HOGAN)". "'Cuz Hulk Hogan is a real big punk!" God damn. He's even more visible than Cena. "Machoman.com on your CD-ROM, OOOOOHHH YEEEAAAAH!" It doesn't make sense, but at least it rhymes.

The YJ Stinger Sting of the Bling is Kane stinging The Hurricane a lot.

I'LL GET YOU, A-RAB v. Sheik Shawn Divari

It's a little known fact that 90% of Sheiks are named "Shawn". The other 10% are "Sean". Divari appears to be praying to the Mecca of Manhood, who was also named Shawn. Got his Persian rug and everything.

Lockup, Divari goes behind but Dreamer counters with armwringery. The Sheik rolls through, kips up and starts ululating. Then he shoves Tommy. Haha. Feud him with HBK. Dreamer catches a kick and yanks Shawn down. Corner whip, Divari springs back into a second rope crossbody, but Tommy catches him. Sack Of Shit! He hates Muslims! The Sheik immediately starts kowtowing because terrorists are a cowardly lot. Tommy stomps his fingers. Heh.

Whip by Dreamer, Shawn slides through his legs and dropkicks him in the fat thigh! Fat knee, wherever. Divari hangs the leg up on the middle rope and stomps it. There's a running dropkick to the injured area. Cover gets only one. The Sheik bashes Tommy's knee into the canvas. Now driving his weight down on it with more rope-assisted hijinks. Divari tries another charge, ending up crotched on the second rope. A hard clothesline puts him back down. Whip, backdrop by Tommy! Bulldog! 1, 2, no.

Shawn slows Dreamer down by taking a swipe at the knee. He runs into a spinebuster, regardless. 1, 2, kickout. Divari swings out of a whip but gets taken up for the DVD... NO, he drops down into a DDT! HE'S GOT HIS MAGIC CARPET!!! CARPET RIDE SPLASH FROM THE TOP MISSES! Oh man, that was the best thing in weeks. This guy's putting himself up there with Slater and Poker. Dreamer Evenflows him on his rug! 1, 2, 3! TUNAK TUNAK TUN. Divari's corpse is wrapped up in the carpet for comical effect. Dreamer grabs his kendo stick and beats the rug/foreigner. Crazy Chinese Face! What a wonderful, racist match.

Later, we'll see how Triple H raised the briefcase.

Commercials. I'm still not over Sheik Shawn Divari.

From RAW, Triple H put a bounty on Goldberg's bald head. Everybody is after him. Even Bossk and Dengar. Don't let the 1-2-3 Kid steal your moneybags. Stevie probably would have used that $100,000 to improve Heat. So sad. Michaels can kip up but he can't stretch his arm out two inches for a tag? I hate him. Mack takes the Jackhammer Jewplex. Or the spear, if you're JR. You're not JR, are you? Okay, I believe you. Mark Henry drags Shawn Michaels back to his larder. He and Goldberg may meet on RAW, but Monday is Yom Kippur so Goldberg probably won't be there. Sorry, Tennessee!

Commercials. It's a viewtiful day. Gary The Rat seems to be the only shitty Spike TV cartoon still surviving.

Your Subway Wrestlemania Recall sees Andre the Giant slam Big John Studd. He wins a duffel bag! Jared put some chicken teriyakis in there. Heenan wants them for himself. HEEL.

Only ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY DAYS until Wrestlemania XX! Hold your breath!

Affirmative Macktion (w/ Theo The Cosby Kid) v. What's The Frequency, Kenneth?

Oh Face Jobber gets around. Al makes Rush Limbaugh jokes. Coach defends him, probably without even being sarcastic. Whitey. Rodney starts thugging/bugging before the bell. Punchiness. Anderson blocks one and fights back. Clothesline ducked, NICE dropkick by Oh Face! Corner whip reversed, Ken slings up but Mack flips him into a hard spinebuster. Elbowdrops culminate with a big jumping one. 1, 2, no.

Ninja Chokeout. To a headlock, but Anderson breaks with elbows. Al calls Coach "Carlton"(!), proving that he's been reading the Rawbeaks. Off the ropes goes Ken, clothesline ducked, kick, forearm, get beheaded by a clothesline. Coach: "Why the attack on me this week?" Al: "YOU LOST MY JOB!" Mack plants his opponent with a powerslam. There's the dreaded spinebuster. 1, 2, 3. He's the next Arn Anderson. But not the next Ken Anderson. An episode of Soul Train spontaneously breaks out.

Commercials. Jam-packing. Mean Gene loves to score. RAW is in Pittsburgh's Mellon Arena one week from tomorrow. Mellon is Elvish for "friend". Word life.

Ladder match footage is set to angelic music because Christian was killed and went to Heaven. Lots of Hentai up there. Stevie Richards has procured this HEAT EXCLUSIVE of RVD celebrating after RAW went off the air.

Commercials. What Would Jared Do? Jared got no love for tha monkey lamp. I love how Jared's nameplate says "JARED". The Rivermen play some hockey team from Toledo on October 18th. This epic battle will drive a wedge between Sofa and myself to be certain. Biggs and Wedge.

The Wrestlemania XIX Rewing features the Widow's Peak and Molly's Ted DiBiase act.

Lance Lance Revolution v. The Big Bossman (w/ Boo Barn)

YOUR special referee is Haha, She's Making Her Bi-Monthly Appearance Ya'll. Jackie dyed her hair blonde again, which is a little creepy. Look at Lance's cabbagepatch. Stevie and Victoria pause on the ramp and are all "WAIT FOR IT..." until Finkel finishes their introductions. Fabulous. Last Sunday, our boss fucked Val's shit up.

Lockup, side headlock by Storm. To a takedown, which Richards counters with the legscissors. Lance leaps to freedom. Second lockup, headlock by Steven this time. Whipped off, Storm falls to the shoulderblock. Celebration! Off the ropes, hops over, leapfrog by Storm, and Stevie takes a hiptoss. 1, 2, no. Armdrag to an armbar. Oh god damn it. Natural Porn Thriller is out with his towel and THE KIDCAM! GET HIM, KIDMAN!

Richards reverses Lance's armbar and clubs away. Haha, here's the view from the Valcam. HE'S PIRATING THE SIGNAL! That's a fairly shitty picture, Val. What kind of pornographer are you? Lance punches Richards before doing some goofy Old Skule rope-balancing. He split-leggedly bounces back to the mat. "Wooo!" Clothesline ducked, springboard crossbody! 1, 2, no. Another armbar from Lance. Richards gets the ropes. Jackie tries to force a break, allowing Stevie to sneak in a right hand.

Kneelifts from the boss. He jaws at Val before setting up the Unnecessarily Celebratory Vertical Suplex... got it! 1, 2, no. Al's making really horrible jokes about gay pirate pornography. "So, Billy, ye ever been blown ashore? ARRRR." Stevie rips off Val's running kneelift sequence! Oh no he dinnat. The Russian legsweep, too. 1, 2, no. The crowd hasn't realized that they're not supposed to chant "Boring" anymore. Boot choke in the corner, but Jackie pulls Richards off by the hair! Victoria gets the last laugh, nailing Storm with the slingshot somersault legdrop! Richards covers... 1, 2, NO!

Modified Rat Trap. Okay, it's a camel clutch. Storm is TAPPING OUT in attempt to get the crowd to like him. Jackie should stop the match. She's a bad referee. Storm escapes and blocks Stevie's chops. Punches are traded, which Lance gets the better of. Whip, back elbow, clothesline! Leg lariat! 1, 2, no. Whip reversed, head down too soon, LONG delayed vertical suplex from Storm! 1, 2, no! Stevie doubles him over with a kick. Corner whip, but Storm blocks the charge with a boot. He then barrels straight into the S.R. BOMB! 1, 2, NO!

Richards is preparing for his devastating "run at you and do nothing" finisher, but Storm trips him up and rolls into the WATER ON THE KNEE! Victoria is on the apron, so Lance decides that sexual harassment is more important that securing the victory. Goldust is a shitty mentor. Victoria's yanked in so that Richards can accidentally deliver the Faceful Of Stuff. Oy. NICE springboard missile dropkick by Storm! 1, 2, 3! Pelvic thrusts ensue. Lance tells the people to throw they hands in the air. And they DO IT. Val continues to add nothing to our broadcast. We're out.

Final Thoughts: The Cubs are in the NLCS, Heat was better than Velocity... something's gone terribly wrong in Hell. The Undertaker better investigate.