Aired March 30, 2003
Rebeaker: TNM
Pre-Heat: Why, thank you, Sean O'Haire! I think I WILL eat whatever I want!
Remember when I actually used Pre-Heat to talk about what was on prior to Heat? Those were the days. Allow me to be the last to say: PLZ DIE, MTV. My farewell of YO HOLMES, SMELL YOU LATER would not fit in the title of this Heatbeak. Damn it. Not that TNN is much better, but at least they have Chief O'Brien sometimes.
Wrestlemania package and Heat opening. We were LIVE from Safeco Field. Sign: "Y-2 GAY". Your witticism has gone unmatched, my friend. Hosts Lou Piniella and Not Ichiro say something. I would have nicknamed Coach after the Mariners' current coach, but I have no idea who the fuck that is. Look at him in his little monkey suit. Haha. Uh-oh, matches.
VINCE MACK-MAHON PICKS A WINNAR v. Orange Crush. God knows that deserves top billing.
Helldorado v. IF YOU WANT ME TO BEAT MY WIFE GIMME A HELL YEAH.
HERE COMES CHAMPAGNE v. HERE COMES THE PAINFUL NECK SURGERY OW OW WITH THE STABBING.
HB-GAY v. Y-2 GAY BECAUSE THE WORD GAY IS FUNNY HA HA. As if I'm not guilty of jokes in the Y-2 Gay vein.
White Men Can't Job v. Nailz. Earlier Today, the unblinking eye of the camera spotted Booker T running up and down the steps of Safeco Field. The cops must have been after him. Hahaha. I'll be here all week, folks! Well, 50 more minutes, at least. Here are some bits and pieces of Booker's well-done package about growing up with Yao Ming in Houston. He sure is jovial in his mugshot. It reminds me very much of Ernest P. Worrell for some reason. Maybe Booker was framed by an evil doppelganger like in that movie.
"Wrestlemania is going to start early" when Lance Storm and Chief Morley defend their tag titles against Kane and RVD.
Commercials. I want to punch Amanda Bynes. Seriously. Teach me your secrets, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. Is it supposed to be some sort of ZANY TWIST that they're not even pissing in the Rayman commercial?
YOUR Wrestlemania Moment is The Rock insulting some bitch I don't recognize in 1998. If The Rock were the president, he'd have a big penis. Really, that was the gist of it.
Crap from WWE AXXESS. Axes? Bischoff thinks he can "take" some kid. I don't know, Reid Flair jobbed him out pretty good. Haha, they still let peasants call matches with Michael Cole. I'd ask him about that dog he impregnated. Captain Sockhat gives us such luminous and insightful commentary as "AW, ROCK, GOOD ONE!". The Rock stole Jeff Jarrett's catchphrase. Take off that Astros jersey, Booker. You heel.
Still to come, Canadians versus Idiots.
Up next, "John Cena has challenged a 'rapper' to a 'rap-off'". OH GOD. FRED DURST? OH GOD. Eli's Comin'. Hey, I didn't know Jeremy Goodwin was on The West Wing. Good for him. Good for fictional nerds.
Commercials. Sweet, X-2 or whatever the hell they're calling it. PYRO??? PYRO SUCKS! They're reuniting 66.6% of the awesome villains from GoldenEye, but it's really nothing without Bean. K-SWISS K-SWISS THEY'RE SPINNIN' SHOES. "Love Dragonball Z?" Fuck no.
20 Years In The Making. Bob Costas says they're old.
Earler Today, Grammy-winning rapper/artist/whatever Ashanti arrived. BECAUSE SHE'S A REALLY GOOD WRESTLER!!! She likes Hulk Hogan, so let's write her off already.
Next Sunday, Heat is "movin' and shakin'" over to TNN.
WYRD LYFE is here. What the HELL is up with the cardboard stand-up of Jay Z's head on Austin Powers' body??? There's one of some other rapper as Mini-Me. HA, Cena's mic don't work, cuz. It's like a gift from God. Shit, they fixed it. Oh, the Mini-Me is FABOLOUS. FABOLOUS. I guess he didn't show. What a shame. Anyway, Cena "disses" the two rappers who supposedly ducked him. This is awful. Long story short, Cena possesses testicles and other assorted genitals while the other gentlemen have none. "Yo, it's John Cena, Thugonomics hot as hell... he's just a bad idea, like the X-F-L." It's over, and no Durst. Still sucked. I don't know why everyone's so mesmerized by this guy's "phat beats". I, too, can rhyme things with swear words. Check it out. Ass/sass, hell/smell, out/out. WERD 2 UR MUTHA
Some Torrie Wilson crap. Stephanie steals all the airtime. Jesus.
NATHAN JONES?!?!? GET OFF OF HEAT! TOMMY DREAMER, of all people, is talking up the significance of Wrestlemania for his benefit. NUNZIO runs in and STEALS NATHAN'S WALLET??? What the hell is going on this week? Jones is mad because he has a picture of his baby in there. You know, the one the dingo ate. *rimshot* RUN, NUNZIO! WILL THIS STEREOTYPE-ON-STEREOTYPE VIOLENCE NEVER CEASE??? Nunzio lured Jones into the bathroom or someplace, where Albert and the Big Show were lying in wait. He's dead. Maybe he missed Wrestlemania because of that. I hope.
Commercials. "Playtex HeatTherapy patches. The new way to deal with menstrual cramps." Really kicking a man when he's down.
The Lugz Crying Shoe of the week is Trish pinning Victoria on RAW.
Gollum defends her Precious against A Troll and Goldilocks Gamgee. Some guy in pink underwear will probably be running around, too.
Moments Ago, crap. Heh, Nathan never got his wallet back. Nunzio pocketed all his pounds or kiwis or whatever the hell they use as currency down there.
Dead Man Waltzing Matilda v. A Shaved Ape and An Unshaved Ape now, but they act like it's not going to happen. Don't fall for it. YOU WON'T SEE IT COMIN', BUT I PROMISE IT'LL BLO-O-OWWWW...
Lesnar/Angle stuff dating back to the Royal Rumble.
Earlier Today, Fred Durst and his "posse" arrived. "I'm a crack addict. I'm addicted to crackin' skulls when punks start static. *pause* No audio. You got audio? *quick cut*". GOD DAMN! IDIOT!!! I'm completely speechless, other than those swear words I just yelled. I'm so glad I didn't buy this.
Just take a moment and soak up Schwarzenegger's comical accent.
Commercials. "Holes". Huh. K-SWISS K-SWISS LET THEIR SPINNING DISTRACT YOU FROM THIS TRAIN WRECK OF A SUNDAY NIGHT HEAT.
"Earlier Today", Hulk Hogan, his son, Jimmy Hart, and some old dude with a little lunchbox arrived. The Earlier Today may be bullshit judging from what Durst just did. Idiot.
Hogan/McMahon.
Ashanti sings "America, The Beautiful" at Wrestlemania. Judging from the Parental Advisory on her CD cover, maybe she'll throw some curse words in there.
To ringside we go. JAY? ARR! and LOLLERZ take over.
Don't Blame Canada, Blame Yourself Or God v. WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S FIRE
That was a little shoutout to a Mr. Hooker T. Monkey. Too bad he stopped reading this like 2 years ago. The Dudleyz accompany our tag champs. They'll obviously turn. Poor RVD didn't even make the Wrestlemania card. Depressing. I'm only recapping this match in hopes Pete Rose runs in, and I don't even like Pete Rose.
Kane makes the "belts, plz" motion. Chief and Lance attack while the faces are posing and shit. Kane chucks Storm almost immediately. Rob backflips over Morley and cuts him down with a heel kick. Looking for the early Rolling Thunder, but Lance drags his partner to safety. Kane whips RVD in for a somersault plancha to the floor! Point, point, point. There's a respectable plancha by KANE! Dayom. He lumbers over to frighten the Spanish announce team. Commercial break? Oy.
Commercials. Def Jam Vendatta. You've sunk awfully low, AKI. Wait, Ludacris is in it? I'll play it, then. THE MAINTAINETH MAN.
RVD's getting doubleteamed and yelling a lot when we return. Morley chops him in the corner. Whip, ensuing clothesline. 1, 2, nope. Chinlock. Maybe you could've worked that in during the break, ass. I hate Val Venis. Crazy Republican, always overselling everything. Van Dam makes it to his feet and elbows loose, but Morley applies the sleeper. IT'S CERTAINLY WORKING ON ME!!! Rob whips him off and applies a sleeper of his own. But Venis crushes him with the BALOOO THUNDAAHHH. Up he goes for a flying elbow, but nobody's home. Chief ducks the enzuigiri but eats the crazy mule kick. Tag to Kane is apparently "hot"! This match feels incredibly rushed!
Kane murders everyone with clotheslines, but surprisingly refrains from sleeping with the corpses. Back bodydrop for Morley, side salto for Storm. Big boot for Morley, choke for Storm. He extricates himself with elbows, only to charge into a big tilt-a-whirl slam. 1, 2, kickout. JR thought Kane was pinning RVD. Abysmal. There's a right hand for Morley. Kane ascends.. flying clothesline! 1, 2, Cheeeeeef saves. Then he dies to RVD's top rope thrust kick. The heels are sandwiched in the corner... clothesline by Kane. He whips Lance in for RVD's spin kick. Venis gets monkeyflipped out of the corner.
Morley's clotheslined to the floor by Kane. Storm is being measured... choke! CHOKESLAM! Tag? Moron. Kane tells RVD to go up top... Chief meets him and shoves him all the way down to the barricade. Ow. That was a nice bump, but it certainly didn't deserve that mild "Holy Shit" chant. Seattle is easily impressed. Kane beats up on Morley outside, while the Dudleys run in and do the Dudley Death Drop dance behind Storm. 3-D. Blarg. Rob rolls in for the cover, but Buh Buh drops a DEVASTATING(!!!) elbow on him. Now he puts Storm on top? 1, 2, 3? WHAT??? RVD GOT PINNED BY AN ELBOWDROP??? AND WHY 3-D STORM IF YOU'RE GOING TO... Forget it. God damn was that stupid. QUICK GO TO THE AUSTIN PACKAGE HURF BLURF. I'm done with this show.
Final Thoughts: Were this not the Pre-Wrestlemania edition, I'd have thought they made the show intentionally terrible as a dig at MTV. But in lieu of more bitching, here is a song for Nathan Jones. KOOKABURRA SITS IN THE OLD GUM TREE-EE / MERRY, MERRY KING OF THE BUSH IS HE-EE / LAUGH, KOOKABURRA, LAUGH, KOOKABURRA / GAY YOUR LIFE MUST BEEEEEEEE