Because one person demanded it, kind of, here is my list of the Best Heat Matches of 2004. It is a Retarded Knock-Off of other, better lists, like the Inside Pulse Top 50. I don't know why it ended up being 18, either. Barely Legal. If I ever reach 2,004 Heat rebeaks, my entire numbering system is going to be screwed.
Boy, the first half of the year sure seemed to suck. Just like my HTML abilities. LINE BREAK!!!
Sweet, Dudleyz v. Val/Storm was during crazy bizarro month, so JG has to take the heat for being a philistine. While I no longer remember the match, I'm sure I hated it, as well. I only tolerate one out of those four guys, and even then, I was probably getting really sick of Lance Storm's huge penis. It sounds like there may have been an Elite Guardsman on that show, as well. No man can say.
Vaguely Related Quote!: "THAT BEER AD HAS BEEN OFF THE AIR FOR LIKE 2 FUCKING YEARS."
Vaguely Unrelated Quote!: "Now we flashback to Randy Orton refering to the Rock as Mick’s 'special partner,' much to my amusement. Gay or retarded? Why not both?"
Vaguely Unrelated Bonus Quote!: "Paul Roma in 'Glory' panties just doesn’t cut it, bucko."
And that is why the fans chant "Bucko" every time Paul Roma appears on Smackdown.
Hahaha, Scotty got punched in the motherfucking face. I hear the arbitrator bargained Jindrak's supension from twenty-five Velocities down to fifteen.
Vaguely Related Quote!: "OH MAN DO YOU THINK HE'S GONNA KIP UP?!?!? OH WOW HE DID I TOTALLY LOVE THAT!!!"
Vaguely Unrelated Quote!: "There's an autographed photo of that horrible, defective robot, The Prototype. Alongside a TERRIFYING picture of Cena as a competitive muscleman in a little speedo. Blehhhhhh. Oh, how I wish I Couldn't See Him."
Only because Cade was all "WHERE'S VICTORIA? WHERE'S VICTORIA? C'MON, TAZZ!" and Stevie lost his shit. In the stock market. Bad investments. He almost connected on Shattered Dreams, even. Pinkdust. "That was the best Garrison match ever, for entirely non-Garrison reasons." Also of note on 5/2 was referee Chris Kay bouncing around like a mental patient before someone asked him to quit that.
Vaguely Unrelated Quote!: "His panties say 'Hellooo, Ladies.' Hello, Panties! I appreciate it when trunks extend a cheerful greeting."
Vaguely Unrelated Bonus Quote!: "What the hell kind of number is 52? I think it's a prime number, but I'm not going to expend any more thought right now."
God, I'm stupid.
It was a'ight. Jazz PULLED NIDIA UP, which is always pretty awesome. Stevie came out dressed like A MAN (swerve!) and did some yelling.
Vaguely Related Quote: "'Just talk to me, Victoria! TALK TO ME!'"
Vaguely Unrelated Quote!: "Sign: 'BUKKAKE'. I don't like the turn this rebeak has taken."
Nine fucking German suplexes. One for each member of the Fellowship. Shut up.
Vaguely Related Quote!: "Tyson horses Benoit down, but his punch misses. I mean Benoit dodged. Tomko wasn't so shitty that he missed a punch point-blank, but I can imagine how you could think that."
Vaguely Unrelated Quote!: "Pointing is impolite."
This would be my pick of the horrible, rabid, Val/Stevie litter, although I'm not sure why it's better than the Kataha-Stee-Vee one. I guess because Richards went crazy again.
Vaguely Related Quote!: "Richards has not defeated Val Venis in his last 400,000 attempts."
Vaguely Unrelated Quote!: "Maven makes what could possibly be the most ridiculous face I've ever seen. Puffing up his fat little head. I think he's trying to intimidate Chuck as a blowfish would."
I do not remember this, but it sounds good, right? First of all: Sakoda. He even factored into the finish without getting pinned or anything. We didn't have names for the Mushroom Stomp or Total Japification yet. Such carefree days of youth.
Vaguely Related Quote!: "Referee Jim Korderas EJECTS TAJIRI because HE DIDN'T SEE THE NON-EXISTENT TAG that could have EASILY BEEN MADE!!! I can't decide if that makes him the best referee ever or the worst referee ever. Either way, LET'S RANDOMLY capitalize ENTIRE WORDS."
Vaguely Unrelated Quote!: "'I mean, the girl's had me blindfolded plenty enough at the house, but this is a wrestlin' match! How am I supposed to see to defend myself, Funaki?' ANSWER HIM, FUNAKI! Jamie's worried that Nidia will hit him in the tiny log. 'How's it gonna look if Jamie 'By God' Noble gets beat by a girl? By a girl, Funaki!' I wonder why I find it so amusing every time he says 'Funaki.'"
I like Batista + Val Venis' murder = #11. This one was more delightfully squashy than the 6/6 affair.
Vaguely Related Quote!: "...but Batista rebounds and EVISCERATES him with the Decapitatin' Clothesline, hahahaha. Rawr! Batista taps his veins because he's jonesin' for a fix of that banana juice... BANANABOMB!!! Val sells it by holding his legs straight up in the air like a stupid asswipe."
Vaguely Unrelated Quote!: "Rappeling? Rappelling? I don't know how to spell that word. It's can't be 'rapeling,' because that's what Kane and Lita were expecting until Snitsky killed it."
Just play solitaire or something through the Tyson parts. I kept getting tricked into thinking Tajiri was going to pin Christian, which would have really pissed me off. I don't know why I'm so mean to Tajiri. Probably racism.
Vaguely Related Quote!: "JR: 'Shades of the Great Muta there...' I'm sorry, but Yoshihiro Tajiri is no Daniel Basham."
Vaguely Unrelated Quote!: "Pumphandle slam, 1, 2, 3. Wham, Bam, Thank You For The Baby, Ma'am. Give that move a name, already. Do you think Billy would mind if we made that the new Kidcrusher?"
Rosey tries to avenge The Hurricane's nose and gets knocked the fuck out. This really should have been an official feud. Chuck could have stolen the Hurricycle and put mad-crazy dubs and flame decals all over it. YES.
Vaguely Related Quote!: "DISCUS PUNCH!!! THAT'S THE BEST RIGHT HAND IN THE CAR REPAIR BUSINESS! CHUCK'S IN THE ZONE! THE AUTOZONE!"
Vaguely Unrelated Quote!: "You know, Wavell thought about kicking out, but he had RESERVATIONS HAHAHAHAH!!!"
I didn't know what was going on, but I liked it. And it was funny because it had Chad. I've found that I no longer hate Venis, provided that he continues to abide by the following three rules:
1) Never, ever speak.
2) Keep the towel philanthropy to a minimum.
3) Don't wrestle Stevie anymore.
Vaguely Related Quote!: "Collyer leaps on Val's back with a sleeper because he's adorable. Venis counters with Blue Thunder! 1, 2, 3, uh, 4! Oh, Chioda did a pump-fake on the first one. You got me, dawg."
Vaguely Unrelated Quote!: "Todd wonders if Daivari is Hassan's 'General Manager.' You've got Bischoff, Long, and Daivari. The mastermind behind the Allah, Allah, Allah Tour."
This was indeed good, mostly because everybody in the match just acted like a total asshole. You don't kick a man in the head while he's posing, you sneaky Jap. And then Rosey broke the sacred trust that was implied by the Ham of Friendship. Sunday Night Heat pits brother against brother.
Vaguely Related Quote!: "GORE FOR THE HURRICANE! HE WAS VANQUISHED BY A HURLOON MINOTAUR!"
Vaguely Unrelated Quote!: "That's called the GHETTO BLASTER!!! Maybe Mack has a RAT in a BAG!!! Val will have to counter with his trouser snake! DANCY DANCY DANCY haha Rodney's awesome."
Not enough to make this list, but you know.
Dude. Akio won. His finisher is a heel kick. London fell down a couple times, too.
Vaguely Related Quote!: "Kidman runs in so that Chavo can drop toehold his big Jewish nose into Akio's small Asian penis. Then Chavo eats a burrito and London goes to see a Broadway show with homosexual flair. Sunday Night Stereotypes."
Vaguely Unrelated Quote(s)!: "Ivory: 'I'm just asking, how you gonna get to Huntsville?' Todd: 'I'm driving.' Ivory: 'Good. Because I don't want you to be flying, huh huh, if you get my drift!'"
The nosebreaking O.G. I think I was starting to secretly dislike The Hurricane by this point, so his bodily harm was a great source of entertainment to me. Read the rebeak and discover that I had absolutely no idea at which point the nose was broken! Victoria/Jazz from the same show almost made it, but it had a lame DQ finish. Albeit with some completely fantastic shenanigans afterward.
Vaguely Related Quote!: "Post-match, Chuck is like 'Got your nose!' and Hurricane is all 'OH MY GOD YOU ACTUALLY DO OW OW.'
Vaguely Unrelated Quote!: "Coach lets us know that William Regal broke his orbital bone. Now he'll never be able to go into outer space on a rocketship and urinate on the flight attendants."
All the dyking didn't really do anything for me because Nidia weirds me out, but this was best women's match of the year, Heat-wise. I am very Heat-wise. With all my Heat-smarts. Best Widow's Peak of allllll time, too. I liked Stevie/Shelton on 10/17 better than the sloppy December one, but they were both still kinda eh.
Vaguely Related Quote!: "Stevie is way more attractive than Nidia, I must say. Ah well. More sexy men for me."
Vaguely Unrelated Quote!: "Grisham broke his finest suit out of mothballs to impress the boss. You know, that unconscious guy right there in the ring."
The match so good that I started watching a Cubs game halfway through. Seriously, it was good, though. I'm just retarded. I feel that this loss was what drove Chuck to start repairing automobiles.
Vaguely Related Quote!: "Chuck's got some boring 'Hey, I'm a boring guy' music. He comes to the table with plain black trunks, boots, pads, etc. A Panty Pal shouldn't go out like that."
Vaguely Unrelated Quote!: "Todd: 'Oh! Well, I'll sit back and I'll have a s... sweet tea or a lemonade and listen!'"
Not only was the wrestling good, but Chuck's opening promo was sufficiently hilarious. The land of success, indeed.
Vaguely Related Quote!: "Benoit shows off his many belts, none of which have naked ladies on them. Point: Palumbo."
Vaguely Unrelated Quote!: "Coach: 'Lenny Lane is much, much better looking than Chris Jericho.'"
Indeed better than the second Heat encounter, although not as good as the RAW match, which probably sucked, but Stevie WON!!! Did that even happen in 2004? Eh. Anyway, Rat Trap. Stolen shufflyfeet. And he almost won.
Vaguely Related Quote!: "Lionsault HITS KNEES HOLY CRAP! PUSH THE ENVELOPE, BOSS! CHANGE THE PARA-DIG-EM!"
Vaguely Unrelated Quote!: "OH MAN he has a big fat GLOCK right on his panties! BUSTIN' CAPZZZZ. I love you, Rodney Mack."
Still not enough to make this list, but you know.
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