Aired February 17, 2002
Rebeaker: T! N! M! WHAT'S! MY! NAME!
RAISE THE ROOFLES! We are NOT LIVE from SOMEWHERE IN JAPAN for this episode of Iron Chef that I taped. Chen wins the Carrot Battle. I've seen that one like three times. BAM IT'S EMERIL! Fast-forwarding, fast-forwarding... Here's a highlight show or something about the first Tough Enough. Clips of Maven's matches are aired. I CAN HEAR HEYMAN!!! Preview of Tough Enough 2. Big Show: "IF U AIN'T GOT THE GUTS THEN QUIT!" At least I think that's what he bellowed. Enunciate, Show.
We are finally NO LONGER LIVE from somewhere I forgot for a PPV that I have heard nothing about. Did somebody rebeak it? Somebody goddamn well better have. Oh yeah, it's Milwaukee. Because that one time I went "THERE'S NO WAY OUT OF MILWAUKEE, POTSIE! HEEEEEEYYYYYY!". Eww, Michael Cole is alongside Jonathan Coachman. These pay-per-view graphics FEEL SO NUMB! Here's a video package. I love me some pre-PPV Heat.
The Undertaker doesn't like Maven and/or The Rock. Dance that Charleston, Coach. Chokeslam on the hood! Tombstone on the roof! The Rock/Undertaker graphic still feels pretty numb! Here's the requisite shot of WWF New York. Mr. Perfect is there. Was there. I don't know. HOLY SHIT, you can finally get a WWF pay-per-view on DirecTV? It is the swerve of the year. I'm fucking serious. RVD is the No Way Out posterboy, because his match with Goldust is going to kick the tires and light the fires. I hope you die, Harry Connick Jr. Maybe if I make a bunch of vague references like that I'll accidentally be funny.
Commercials. WWF live events calender. Oh man, they're totally gonna bring the house down in the DUNKIN DONUTS CENTER in Providence, RI. HAHAHA. Tough Enough 2 promo has a paint-by-numbers theme for absolutely no reason at all. Jak and Daxter can die. THE CLASSIC CHILLOUT ALBUM! It's got more Moby and Dido than you can shake a stick at. A faggy stick. Also, I think Stephanie's "SMASHING!" doctor is narrating. NWO commercial. GNU-GNU-GNU.
Buy Rob Zombie's album, blargity blarg. BUY ME A WRESTLING MATCH. Ugly Guy on the escalator sports a Bears jacket. Keep on reprazentin', Ugly Guy. Edge and Regal are wrestling again? Jesus. Brass Knuckles on a pole. Clips from Smackdown when Regal defeated Val Venis and then PASTED Coachman one. "I'm just lucky that Edge came out when he did! Who knows what William Regal would have done to me!" Coach, he was already walking away from you. Hahaha, look at Regal's angry dance.
Lilian Garcia interviews Regal. He is upset ("FLABBERGHASTED") that brass knuckles will be legal so that Edge has an advantage over THE POWER OF THE PUNCH. "I can't even imagine what kind of damage a weapon like that would do, having never used one myself!" Regal talks about how hardcore the British are. Coach hopes Edge "gives it" to Regal. Michael Cole feels so Nien Nunb. More crowd shots. TAKE OFF THE YANKEES SWEATER, FUCKER.
Commercials. Al Snow hits a British guy with a garbage can and takes his place on the medal podium. That's supposed to convey that Tough Enough 2 is better than the Olympics, I guess. Al's obviously got some sort of British guy bias from when Regal suplexed his midget pals. Okay, that's the worst Subway commercial ever. Stick with Jared and not the annoying guy who bitches about freshness, plz. HEDGEHOG AUDITIONS! I AM MARKING OUT! Look at that thing crawling around on the Gamecube. ^_^ Toyotas are not for GLORIOUS MEN. Stick it, Blood Wake. Stick it, Insight Communications. Hey, remember Stick Stickly? I miss him.
The WWF Slam of the Week is brought to us by Xbox. Goldust was going to give Torrie the CROTCH HITS, but RVD and his Hammer pants saved the day. HE LIVES HOW HE WANNA LIVE, PLAYS HOW HE WANNA PLAY! Goldust's little gold contact lens or something came falling out.
OH JESUS, Mad TV clips. Is Austin wearing a CHICAGO ENFORCERS hat??? JESUS CHRIST! Now that I made Hammer jokes in the last sentence, Austin is ripping me off. He plays his guitar and sings "U Can't Touch This". I am not kidding. He adds "What?"s. I hate everything. Hahaha, a Tony Little parody. Okay, I can get behind that. Debra's there, too. Will Sasso impersonates Austin, and also Louie Anderson. And now we're back to crowd shots.
Goldust wants to get RVD on the casting couch, if you know whut I'm sayin'. (HE LIKES THE SEX MEN). Lilian catches up to Van Dam. He says he can't blame Goldust for being obsessed with him. Rob imitates Goldust. "Dude, what's he inhaling, anyway?" "*inhale* Dig the inhale?" Oh RVD, you're the ginchiest.
Commercials. Tough Enough 2 thing again. Save plenty of paint for Maven's eyebrows! Jak and Daxter can die once again. Who the hell is "Adema"? I've never even heard of "Adema". And I have my finger on the pulse of America, friends. Some skiier's anti-drug is "commitment". What a terrible anti-drug. Is "skiier" a word? WHOOOO HEDGEHOG AUDITIONS. It almost makes it all worthwhile. No... no, it doesn't. Why is Janet Jackson still around?
The WWF Snap of the Night is presented by Slim Jim. Spike pinned Booker T on Smackdown? Christ. At least you haven't fallen as far as DDP, Booker. ONE-TIME, ONE-TIME, ONE-TIME EURO CHAMP. Cole: "WHAT A COUNTER!" I bet he was looking at a catalog of kitchen fixtures. HAHAHAHA ROFTLE! See, those are the kind of jokes I make when they don't air any matches. Plz petition the WWF and make me stop.
Test is trying to grasp the concept of zippers backstage when Booker T rudely interrupts. DISSENSION! Test is pissed at Booker for losing to Spike. Now it seems like they're on the same page. Ominous close-up of Test's suitcase! I THINK SPIKE IS IN THERE!
I guess No Way Out had a "Tag Team Turmoil" match. Wow, the Hardyz are alive? ALBERT, too? Crowd shots. Some RADICAL D00D flips the bird, and the cameraman scurries to get him off-screen. NWO promo.
Commercials. Some Green Day/Blink 182 tour. They are "punk" bands! Oh Blood Wake, I hate you. Ray Allen plays basketball against what I think are those faceless guys from Team Rocket. Wait, they don't allow black people in Team Rocket. Fatone gets hit by a fat crate. DIFFERENT VERSION OF HEDGEHOG AUDITIONS WHOOOOO!!! So cute. Whoopi Goldberg is SO not a "Hero of Black Comedy". I guess Bruce Vilanche is a hero of white comedy. Doritos commercials are stupid.
Crowd shots. CONGRATULATIONS ON BUSTING THAT NWO WOLFPAC SHIRT OUT OF MOTHBALLS, NERDY! I think that's Kevin "Fragmaster" Bowen. My Wolfpac shirt's still around here somewhere. Shut the hell up.
Last night the WWF teamed up with America's Most Wanted for some reason! God. MTV owes me about a billion more Hedgehog Auditions. Kane met the young victim of a violent crime. THEY ARE KINDRED SPIRITS! Kane's arms are not burned at all. KAYFABE, KAYFABE! Way to portray Christian as the stereotypical "bad guy", John Walsh, you fucking ass.
Hahaha, Cole is funny. "Triple H battled back from 8 months of rehabilitation to PUT HIMSELF into the main event at Wrestlemania!" SO TRUE, SO TRUE. Here's HHH winning the Royal Rumble and Kurt Angle bitching about it. Kurt thinks he's "badder" than Helmsley. AT GRAMMAR, MAYBE! I'M A HOUSE AFIRE! Clips of the wedding vow fiasco. Christ, look at all the spit strings in Stephanie's mouth. She appoints herself as guest referee for the No Way Out match. Also, The Rock has arrived.
Commercials. Tough Enough 2. Jak and Daxter. "O" is on video. Shakespeare has caused the world so much pain. Rosey Fletcher's anti-drug is snowboarding, whoever the hell she is. Buy a Toyota Matrix because it will help you steal things and escape! Mr. T pities the foosball. Local restaurant is named "Jimbo's Jumbos". At least I pray to god that it is only local. Or loca, as I originally typed. I'm from the barrio.
Here's the promo with the Kid Rock song I now hate. P.S. TELL OSAMA TO SUCK IT HAHA LOMAOA HIGH JACK THIS FAGS. They even ruin the promo by splicing in split-second NWO footage. Wait, now it's gone totally NWO. Hahaha, NWO clips to Kid Rock's sappy song. That's kind of cool.
Get down with DDP: Yeah, you know me v. Who's The Boss, man
What's the deal with that truck? Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler have taken the reins. Page has a fine shiner under his left eye. He's got the mic. DDP noticed that Bossman doesn't smile much, and thinks it's because the crowd chants "Bossman Sucks". And they do. Bossman throws a Crash-like tantrum. But that's not a bad thing! Whatever, Bossman attacks with kneelifts and punches. Choke on the ropes, but Page fights back with right hands. Discus clothesline, then clotheslined over the top rope. Page with a baseball slide dropkick.
Back inside they go. 10-punch count-along is count-ered by Boss-man's crotch-hits. Page throws a back elbow but is ultimately put down with a bodyslam. Sliding apron punch! The Bossman with bearhuggery. "DDP" chant fires up, and he ear claps out. But Bossman keeps control with a big boot. DDP's still punching, but he runs into a sleeper. Jawbreaker to reverse. Big clothesline gets two for DDP. Pinebuster gets two for the Bossman. Referee Nick Patrick is suddenly a face, so Bossman pieFACES him down. LITTLE PLAY ON WORDS THERE, FOLKS! Patrick disqualifies him. Now the Bossman's choking DDP out with a little sissy cord. He pretends like he won the European championship. Page gets up and runs Bossman off. That was horable.
Ross: "Somewhat of a kissin'-your-sister disqualification victory!" God, shut up. Wait, Bossman attacks Page from behind with his nightstick. But DDP gets up and he's still happy. Whatever. There's a fat guy in a Packers jersey. YOU DON'T SEE THAT EVERY DAY! Y2J/Austin hype. Here's a video package. My wrist hurts. This show gave me the carpal tunnel. These clips feel so numb. I wish my wrist did. Shit, they actually show live shots of Hogan, Hall, and Nash to close Heat. Ross and Lawler don't seem to care that much. We're done.
Final thoughts: THANKS FO' SHOWIN' ME AROUND, SHAWTY. This show sucked it like Osama. And now I'm looking at Carson Daly and Britney Spears. The tape goes OFF.