Wanna take a look back at what happened at Summerslam? Me neither! Cena's spiel about not selling records and magazines and movies would ring a lot more true if he himself wasn't trying to do all of those things. Kurt is vicious. Unless you're a gutterslut, in which case he's delicious. Matt Hardy will be jobbing to me tomorrow night on RAW. Tune in, won't you? Why did Michaels shake Hogan's hand just to be all snarky the next night on RAW? I hate the wrestling.
Romeo And Antonio's High School Reunion v. I Will Club You With My Penis
Yeah, I busted a move in my living room when "Theme From The Heart Throbs" came on. What of it? Romeo is not captured with the Invisible Lasso of Truth because it's all about Antonio right now. Apron struts, pelvic thrusts. Dap dance, off with the pants. I knew it was only a matter of time before Val would start jobbing out the Heart Throbs. Antonio gives Lilian an eyeful, but she declines. As always, Val is like "I WILL SMACK THE BLACK OFFA YOU, COACH!" because he is a racist who wants everything to be as white as his semen. Coach: "I'm not out here for women to gawk at me!" Okay. Sexay dance. Towel off the ass. Said rag is bestowed upon some broad. What is she, like 16? Shades of myself. Coach: "Even the young, ugly ones love him, too. Yeah, I said it! I said it!" This man is really kicking hard to the finish line in the Angus Invitational.
There's the bell, so Antonio kicks Val. Good for him. Punch, which Val oversells by shouting "GOD!!!" hilariously. I know they're sexy, Val, but keep it in your pants. Raking Val's eyes or neck or something along the top rope. Whip reversed, back elbow by Val. Elbowdrop. Off the ropes, kneedrop. Mounted punching. Romeo's on the apron to bitch, but he drops down when Val takes a swing. Venis considers going outside to chase Romeo around, allowing Antonio to hit a kneelift to the face that Val oversells in slapstick fashion. What an idiot he is. Elbowdrop to the head. Antonio slings up in the corner for a stomp to the throat. Maintaining it for boot chokey. Strangled on the middle rope. Vertical suplex by Antonio. Arch it. Arch it. 1, 2, no. Raking the eyes. Val fires back with gutshots that make Antonio do the Bunny Hop. Antonio's kneelift puts a stop to that. Corner whip reversed, and Val rushes into a back elbow. Antonio springs to the middle turnbuckle for a crossbody that gets ducked. Val mows him down with a clothesline and a back elbow. Forearm shot, whip, backdrop. Half-nelson uranage. Dorking around in preparation for ejaculation. Yeah, make sure you go to the corner that Romeo is lurking around, Val. That's what I'd do. Romeo starts hugging his knee, but Val manages to elbow him off the apron. Antonio's up, so Val takes him down with a sunset flip off the second turnbuckle. 1, 2, 3. Go fuck yourself.
Post-Match, Antonio restrains Val in that homosexual sunset flip position for a Heart Throbs gangbang. Romeo strikes. Stompy. Val's picked up and restrained for Antonio's kick to the ribs/groin. Tied in the ropes, where the Throbs kick away. Kick him. Kick him. Choke him. Didn't OHHHHHH, DAYYYYOM defeat The Throbs on his own? I don't know why he needs Val, but whatever. The Heart Throbs say No, No, No and take a powder. They lost the match, but they got to kick Venis a few times, so I guess it's a push!!! Antonio, to Viscera: "It's only the beginning, big man!" I cannot wait.
Kerwin White takes on Tajiri later.
Commercials. Mork. From Ork.
The Wrangler Wrewing is Ashley getting heeled on by Torrie and Candice.
I Fucking Hate You v. Do You Teach Ebonics?
Striker taps his head to indicate the fact that he went to school. And I mean, he's tapping it A LOT. This fucking schlub gets a jobber match? And I have to deal with Russell Simpson again? Jesus Christ. I guess whoever celebrates too much like a big asshole will be declared the winner. Let's get Charlie Haas and Stevie Richards and make it a Fatal Fourway. Simpson's like "WHASSUP NOW UH UH HIT MYSELF." Russell Simpson - 1, Matt Striker - 0.
Lockup, no, Striker ducks for a waistlock. To a brief Master's Degree Lock, but Russ attempts a counter, so Striker takes it to a hammerlock. Side headlock now. Russell's in way too much pain for a side headlock. I'll give him a second point. Simpson pries Striker's arm loose and bars it. Biting his fingers. Sticky Fingers does his rope-assisted flipsy counter and applies a side headlock. Yell like a retard! 2-1. Simpson grabs Striker's panties and whips him off. But Russell's all dizzy and stupid, so he eats a shoulderblock. Off the ropes, Striker hops over, then hops right back over like a grande fag. Russ gets up and expects Striker to be behind him, BUT HE'S NOT!!! CONFUSION! That was so stupid on all sides that I don't know who to give the point to. Let's call it 3-2. Headlock by Striker, and another dumbass yell evens it up at 3-3. Simpson plants him with a back suplex. Stomp. Elbowdrop to the back. Kick to the back. Corner whip, spear in the corner, then freaking the fuck out like he's plowing a tackling dummy. Good one, Russ. 4-3.
Corner whip by Russell, but Striker elevates over a charge and gets Booker T's corner roll-up. 1, 2, no. Simpson comes back with a kneelift. Whip, attempt at a sidewalk slam or something, but Striker tilt-a-whirls out awkwardly and hits the ARCH DELUXE?!?! FUCK NO! Maven's gimmick wasn't enough, you had to steal the finisher, too? Next thing you know, this ass will paste some fake eyebrows on his head. Striker follows it up with THE IMPRESSIVE?!?!?!?! WHAT THE FUCKING HELL YOU MOTHERFUCKING THIEF?!?! 1, 2, 3. But Simpson wins on points. Coach: "That was pretty impressive!" Hahaha. Call it the Gay Of The Day. This guy is ranked "Hardcore Holly" on the Dan Lebatard Hateability Scale. Coach: "I might have to give Eric Bischoff a little ring-a-ding-ding about Matt Striker!" I don't blame Eric for not watching Heat. YES WE KNOW YOU HAVE BRAINS IN YOUR HEAD LET'S MOVE ON WITH OUR LIVES
Commercials. Be quiet.
How long before a Randy Orton/Hulk Hogan feud takes place? Good Lord.
From RAW, Shawn acted like a weirdo, as is his wont. Peach shirt with a yellow tie. Very lovely. SHUT UP IT'S THE MASTERPIECE BAYBAY. I started laughing when Masters said "See, that's the problem, nowadays!" I don't know why. I blame the "nowadays." Masters might be biting off more than he can chew during one of his lunches with Slater Vain. Explain the concept of a "ladder" to us, HBK. Look at him jumping around like he's in a sack race. Masterlock Challenge on RAW.
Commercials. Let yourself go with RAW. Eat a carton of ice cream. Why did Rich Eisen leave SportsCenter to become a Mo Rocca-like figure?
The Boost Mobile Thing of the I Forget is Ric and Carlito yelling at each other.
Where's Your Girlfriend? Is She Over Here Now? v. My Uncle Did Something Once!
No Rosey. Coach, on Hurricane: "He's a'ight." God, this crop of new guys is complete ass with the one exception of Oh Face. Todd claims that Parisi is pissed off because he isn't getting the respect of other second generation wrestlers. I thought The Rock was third generation? Coach: "What about Rene Dupree? What about Carlito? What about Greg 'The Hammer' Valentine?" What about what the hell are you talking about? I guess Rene's dad was Zhang Liao. Some cross-eyed broad with her camera. Great.
Parisi offers the Hand of Friendship. Hurricane goes to accept, but Johnny slaps it away. IMPOLITE. Hurricane rushes and gets schoolboyed for two. Headlock takedown by Johnny. Up, whipped off, you've never gotten the better of a shoulderblock in your entire life, so stop trying, Hurricane. Off the ropes, Parisi hops over, Hurricane leapfrogs, and the Whassupwitdat pose is scary. Coach: "Why do guys stop at that?" Deep armdrags by Hurricane. Hurricane wrings the arm. Corner whip reversed, Hurricane slings up over jack shit, so Parisi plows him into the buckles from behind. Jack Shit is probably the name of the next terrible n00b they'll shoehorn into the dying days of Heat. He was fired from his job as a waste extraction technician. Parisi's arm hurts, and I've already forgotten why. Osteoporosis? Corner whip, which Hurricane sells by stumbling around like a drunk. Nitro stomps the spine. Vertical suplex, 1, 2, no. Girlish shove to the back. Hurricane fires back with rights. Parisi's punches are blocked, Hurricane's are not. There's a kneelift, though. Parisi hits the ropes and gets pasted by Hurricane's nice dropkick. Clothesline. Corner whip reversed, and Johnny eats the rising uppercut. Leaping lariat by Hurricane. Spinning around like a dope. Up top, flying crossbody, 1, 2, no. Eye Of The Hurricane coming up, but Parisi shoves him off. Kick to the knee or something. Setting up The Shaft, but Hurricane swings out. Clothesline ducked, Eye Of The Hurricane, 1, 2, 3.
Commercials. I don't know why I was neglecting to record things on the Ernest Saves Christmas tape, because this is like 100 times better than that other dilapidated piece of shit. I probably accidentally taped over somebody's wedding or something.
Jericho/Cena/Bischoff crap on RAW. Firings and Angles and barf.
Unleash The Frawg is out to kill me to death. In a suit. He's going to join the announcers. Oh dear. Rene: "Coach, listen to all the Phrench Phanatics here, eh?" Coach: "They luv ya! They luv ya, kid!"
WHAT'S UR PROB DUDE??? v. A Man
Malik Johns or something. Tiny and Poker Face-like. Rene tells us that he wants to ruin the tag division again like he did in days gone by, so he's scouting partners. Tomko/Dupree. That's money right there. Leave Conway alone, plz. What do your hotpants say, Malik? I think they say "MALIK." Lockup, Malik's forced up against the ropes, but he (accidentally?) rakes Tomko's eyes on the break. Rene: "Uh-oh. Uh-oh." Malik's like "My bad, dawg, that one's on me." Ha, Tomko's contact fell out again. What a dummy. He's all "Look at this contact lens, referee Chris Kay. Look at how angry it makes me." Plowing Malik into the corner for death. Now Tomko barrels into a boot. Malik goes to the second rope and leapfrogs over for no reason, then takes the Fucking Fuck Up A Kick Kick right in the back of the head, haha. Dupree: "*shouting in French* Uh-oh!" Tyson's lost his shit. Who took his shit who found his shit. Kay signals for the TKO, causing T-Squared to wig out even more. Dupree: "I think we may have found him." God damn it.
Commercials. Barclay's English Premier League is probably some soccer program in the holodeck. In which Riker is two feet tall.
YES HOORAY THAT CADE AND MURDOCH VIGNETTE!!! Awesome. Cade's shirt rules. Brand that wood with their logo! Why would anybody want to brand wood?
Now White People... White People Address The Ball Like This v. Kerwin Yellow
Let's see if we can pin down some lyrics. "I wake up every mornin' / can't wait to embrace the day / I take my coffee by the poooool! / I touch my picket fence and gaze across my new mowed lawn / I never thought my life could be this good. / I have a brand new car / I drive it to my country club / and then I pay(?) the neighborhooood!" No idea on this part. "Private schools and soccer moms / they live their life the way we should / I never thought my life could be this gooood!"
Kerwin's from Palm Springs, CA, by the way. And he's bringing a clothes hanger into the ring, presumably for his lovely polo shirt. That's an "E-Z-GO" golf cart. A gift from EZSkinz. Check out Maxim magazine for John Cena's step-by-step breakdown on how to do a bodyslam. Don't try this at home, kids, unless John Cena says it's okay. Coach: "Well, what it should be titled is How To TAP OUT To The Ankle Lock!" Haha. Step 1: Raise your hand. Coach: "You know what I can't wait for?" Tajiri's music hits. Todd: "Tajiri?" Coach: "Wellll, I can wait for Tajiri. C'mon, I beat Tajiri!" Haha, there's a shot of three Japanese guys going wild for Tajiri. One of whom is in the new Kurt Angle shirt. Japanese By Birth, Polite By Choice. Kerwin requests that refere Jack Doan hold the hanger so he can remove his many lovely shirts. Hung up in the corner. Kerwin places his glasses atop his head, strikes the Crane Kick pose, and goes "WAAAAH!" so Tajiri kicks him in the hip and makes him fall down hilariously. Tajiri's got the spectacles! He puts them on and does an "Ooh, I'm A White Person" dance in which he wiggles his ass a lot. I guess he's pantomiming the way Kerwin gets down to the Vic Fontaine music.
Kerwin is angry, so he slides back in the ring to kick. Middle Class American uppercut. Whip, tilt-a-whirl headscissors by Tajiri! Monkeyflip! White begs off, suckering Tajiri into being tossed into the middle turnbuckle. Stomping and scraping a boot along Tajiri's face. Kerwin should wear golf cleats. Wave for all his peeps. Middle Class American uppercut, 1, 2, no. Kerwin grabs his hanger to whack Tajiri with, but Jack Doan steals it like a black person. That allows Kerwin to remove his green undershirt and strangle Tajiri with it. Now he's just wrestling in little khaki shorts and golf kneepads, which is kind of awesome. Chavo folds that shirt up and entrusts it to Jack Doan, as well. Kick to Tajiri's back. Middle Class American uppercut. Kicks in the corner. More raking of the face with his boot. Wave. Finger snaps. Boot choke, but Tajiri stands and tosses Kerwin down by the foot. Front dropkick to the thigh! Lighting White up with kicks. Todd: "Tajiri the most lethal... kicker here in the WWE!" The Adam Vinatieri of RAW. Whip reversed, handspring elbow! Spinning heel kick! 1, 2, no!
Forearms to the face from Tajiri, but White rakes his slanteyes. Kick, Middle Class American uppercut. Whip, clothesline ducked, thrust kick to the head! 1, 2, Kerwin wiggles over to put his far foot on the bottom rope, which is weird. Kick by Tajiri. Corner whip reversed, but Kerwin charges into the Tarantula! White people are afraid of spiders! Tajiri releases while Coach bitches about how illegal it is. Todd: "He's got five seconds, as you know..." Coach: "I got five seconds to stick my foot upside your head!" Kerwin hustles into Tajiri's shoulder charge on the apron. Slingshot sunset flip by Tajiri, but Kerwin drops down into a pin... grabbing the middle rope, 1, 2, 3! Fix your eyebrows, Kerwin. There you go. Tajiri crawls around in defeat. Coach: "Anybody wanna play some golf???"
Final Thoughts: Can we never have five matches again? 'Preciate it.