Aired January 27, 2002
Rebeaker: TNM
SAVE THE DRAMA FOR OOZZAMMA. Michael Cole and Tazz are LIVE from WWF New York for another edition of Sunday Night Heat. Well, we were LIVE last night. Stacy Keibler is your guest host. Ug. FLASH THOSE GANG SIGNS, WHITEY!
OH LORD, Cole has an even worse haircut. Shaved on the sides. Just awful.
BAW BAW BAW BAWBAW: Escortin' Ain't EZ v. Lance Got No Love Fo' Tha Hos
"Legit" is quickly said. Godfather is SHOCKED that the crowd would boo him for his lack of skanky women. So he does a retarded dance and some escorts appear LIKE MAGIC!!! WHAT WIZARDRY IS THIS? He's wearing leather pajamas or something, by the way. I don't remember if they used to or not, but they announce him as being from Las Vegas now. Because it's legal to "escort" there! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT HE IS ON THE UP AND UP!?! If he's "legit" now, that must mean that what he was doing before was ILLEGAL! I hope the Bossman takes him into custody. Wait, that would be the worst feud ever.
Clips from the last RAW where Lance got embarrassed. Storm attacks from behind and lays in the forearms. Jesus, now that his pajama shirt is off The Godfather is dressed exactly like the Undertaker. Lance eats a big boot. Whip, and the Fathertaker connects with a back elbow. Choke on the ropes. LOOK OUT, THE ESCORT TRAIN! Lance escapes the ring. Now he pulls Godfather out and punches for awhile. Into the steel steps! Storm rolls in and out of the ring to break the ref's count, because that's how we do it in the olde skoole.
Back in, Lance comes off the ropes with a nice springboard clothesline. Two count. Corner charge, but Storm hits the ringpost. Avalanche by The Godfather. GF with the gutwrench to pick his opponent up, then dropped down into a shoulderbreaker. 1, 2, 3. That would be his finisher, I guess.
Commercials. BK and BB can die. That sandwich right there has "saucier sauce"!!! LE PACTE DES LOUPS is "part Matrix, part Jaws, part Crouching Tiger", but it has "a style all its own"! Fucking morons. Guys from THE TRUTH put little signs in dog crap. I guess that's a better hobby than building Gundams. SORRY, CHICKENCLAW, I KID!
The Slim Jim Snap of the Night is Val Venis dying at the hands of Stone Cold on RAW.
HELLLLLO, STUPID GIMMICKS: Crazy Canadian Political Guy v. My Hatred
Jesus, it's like 1999 all over again. LOOK OUT VAL, THE POSSE MIGHT ATTACK! Tazz says Cole has a "haircut like a lady" and that he's "got that Vanilla Ice thing goin' on". He also steals one of David Spade's two jokes, as Hooker may be excited to know. Val compares his Venis to a bunch of really bad MTV shows. This is so awful. Val wants another lady to take off his gross towel. He spends half an hour looking for the plant again. HAHAHAHA, she has her own entrance music, as Tazz and I both laugh at. OH WOW THE TOWEL IS OFF NOW FUCKING WRESTLE ALREADY. Val kisses her. Gag.
Is this even a match? MY GOD, it wasn't! You tricked me, Val. I've got half a mind to go back and delete all that, but I'm not CRZ. Stacy dances around on some outside balcony. I hope she freezes to death.
Commercials. A CHAIN GUN! I fear that this game downplays the very real threat that pirates pose. I hate Shaggy, but not as much as Scooby Doo's Shaggy.
Footage of what happened at the Royal Rumble between The Undertaker and Maven. That so rules. Look at the giant M on Maven's pants. HIS EYEBROWS ARE BLEEDING! Cole's still trying to make the point that Maven was never officially eliminated from the Rumble. As such, Maven's going to get a shot at Chris Jericho's undisputed championship tonight. Roxors.
Stacy's still dancing out there. See, the terrorists are never around when you really need them.
Commercials. Q: Why are the Baltimore Ravens illegally tackling everyone? A: Because Ray Lewis IS A MURDERER. I don't think we're supposed to know that those are really the Ravens and Raiders, anyway. Le Pacte Des Crap. Legless man plays basketball so he can get the gadabout's Doritos. SAUCIER SAUCE! SAUCIER SAUCE! That awesome commercial where the mascot steals Bobby Labonte's racecar. I assume it's Bobby Labonte, at least. ESPN rocks.
The Big Show goes up against Kane on RAW. They've only had that match about 200 times.
Billy, don't be a queero: The Panty Pals v. Sho's No Homo and Fuck Off, Crash
Man, I really don't want to call him "Chucky". Cole's still calling him "Chuck". Thank you, Michael. Hey, three of these guys lost their last name and the other lost his first! Chuck locks up with Crash and throws him down. Waistlock, but Chuck breaks out with a back elbow. Cole talks about the Poison Mr. McMahon and the NWO will inject into the WWF. UNSKINNY BOP! Wait, was that Poison? I don't spell it nWo, sorry. Crash hits Billy for no reason, only to get tagged by Chuck's right hand.
Chuck takes a forearm across the back, then Crash crouches behind him and pretends like he's waiting for the snap. What the hell ever. Quarterbacks are traditionally taller than 3 feet, Crash. Clothesline is ducked, but Crash tastes another back elbow. Funaki off the top turnbuckle with a crossbody! Oh, I missed the blind tag. Nice headscissors by Sho. Billy's tagged in now. Funaki ducks a clothesline and lays in some punches. He gets thrown up in the air and pancaked down. Why are wrestlers always chewing gum?
Billy shoves Funaki's head into his partner's boot, and he grossly oversells the pratfall. MR. PERFECT IS HAVING AN INFLUENCE ALREADY! Chuck's in to beat up Funaki for awhile. Kicking him in the corner. Discus punch. Billy's in again with a free shot to Funaki's abdomen. Two count. Funaki tries to fight back as Chuck is tagged, but he ultimately gets tossed with an overhead belly-to-belly suplex! Palumbo makes the pin, only to PULL HIM UP! Takes Funaki over his shoulder... He breaks free and shoves Chuck into the turnbuckles. Swinging DDT! Ugh, that landed poorly and Chuck tried to give it the goofy sell and it was just a bad scene.
Crash wants the tag. Billy holds his ears, unable to listen to the "deafening" "cheers" for the "faces". Billy's in, but so is Crash! Three knockdowns! Dropkick for Chuck! Enzuigiri! 1, 2, Chuck tries to break but elbows his own partner. Crash tries an Acid Drop bulldog, but Chuck fights out and Billy hits the Fameasser. Funaki kind of peeks his head in rather than breaking the count. 1, 2, 3. One more for the homos. Sorry, escortmos.
Stacy walks around by the giant picture of Rob Van Dam.
Commercials. I hate THE TRUTH. Why is it such a huge selling point for your roller skates to have FOUR WHEELS? Jesus.
7 weeks to Wrestlemania X8! Presented by Skittles! Taste the rainbow of Chuck and Billy!
Clips from the McMahon/Flair street fight. Again. For some reason. Heh, they show all the blood for a second and then they grey the faces out. Creepy. Oh, this is leading to the stupid NWO announcement. Cole's still talking about Poison. Vince, you are the worst actor ever.
Commercials. THAT SAUCE IS SO GODDAMNED SAUCY! Rollerball. I bet Air Ninja Brian Gamble would be good at that. Pirate game. I bet Air Ninja Brian Gamble would be a good pirate. A Ninja Pirate.
The FFX Slam of the Week is The Rock being mean to Kurt Angle and Chris Jericho on Smackdown. THE BRAHMA BABY!
Le Pacte Des Europe: CHRISTIAAAAAN v. DDP's a face, I guess
So I guess Stacy's dancing is going to be the "main event". Christables. This is non-title, so you know who's winning. Lockup, DDP muscles Christian into the corner. Goes for a clean break, but Christian pokes the eye and turns things around. Hahahahaha, Christian mocks DDP's pose and grin. But Page is back up to throw the European champion into the corner and put the boots to him. Pose and grin for real. DDP's first clothesline is ducked, but the second hits HARD. Tilt-a-whirl slam! Two count. Christian gets clotheslined to the floor. He tries to pull Page's legs out from under him, but DDP kicks him into the barricade.
Back inside they go. Diamond Cutter attempt, but Christian holds on to the ropes! He slams DDP's head into the turnbuckle and shoulderblocks him off of the apron. Page is whipped into the steel steps. Rolled inside one more time, and Christian pounds away. Choke on the ropes. Christian celebrates too early and gets punched in the gut. He still manages to stop DDP's momentum with a kick. Abdominal stretch is locked in. Page elbows out to throw a clothesline, but Christian ducks and lands his inverted DDT backbreaker thing. 1, 2, no! 1, 2, no again! Christian goes insane and flops around in a tantrum. He is so awesome.
Christian's going for the 10-count punch, but DDP shoves him off. Then Christian does it again so DDP can shove him off again. Big clothesline by Page. I think Tazz called Cole "Pervy". He does his "old-time wrestling announcer voice", which is kind of frightening. Christian strikes with a kneelift, ducks another clothesline, and hits a straight-up inverted DDT. 1, 2, NO! Bodyslam attempt, DDP slips out for the Diamond Cutter, but NO Christian shoves him into the ropes. Bounces off, Page hooks Christian's arm and swings around to HIT the Diamond Cutter! Arm draped over Christian... 1, 2, 3! DDP walks off through the crowd like in the old days because he is inexplicably a face. At least he's kind of over.
Raw hype, and Stacy dances around to the WORST MUSIC I'VE EVER HEARD. I think it centers mostly around a Chihuahua barking. Worst guest host ever.
Final thoughts: I have nothing entertaining to shout. Sorry.