Yes, this WAS the worst PPV ever.

Heat opening.

We used to be LIVE from Buffalo, at which point I was sitting on Sofa's sofa and probably defeating another officer on his dark, dark television. And it's blacker than black, and it's black, y'all. Fans. Look at 'em. Todd and Josh are paired for what I believe is the first time, as these two clearly have a horrible nerd rivalry going. Grisham verifies that it is indeed the first time they're worked together. Todd: "Let's try not to screw it up." Josh: "I've seen your work, I think we're gonna be in trouble."

I'm not doing nicknames four days late for this horrible show. Rey vs. Eddie. Taker vs. Hassan. Batista vs. JBL. Josh: "What will happen at the Great American Bash when Batista has to face an angry animal in Batista?!" He must combat the animal within. Gerbil.

Stupid press conference again.

Somewhere, Steve Romero stands with YOUR MATCH WAS THE WORST MATCH EVER. Is OJ concerned about Chris Benoit? "Concerned about Christ Benoit beatin' me? No! I'm the United States Champion! I'm fast in my hands, light on my feet, hah hah, easy in the eyes, and easy in the feet, baby!" Um, what? "Tonight, when JBL beats Batista for the World Heavyweight Title and I retain..." Oops, here's So I Hear You're Easy In The Feet. "You got somethin' to say?" So Benoit punches him. And walks off. *****

Still to come, London vs. Nunzio. Jesus, a little scream from a fan(?) coincides with Graphic London opening its mouth to yell. Was that intentional?

Commercials. The 40 Year-Old Virgin. Why is Steve Carell getting so much play all of a sudden? At least Paul Rudd's getting his bonafides.

The Boogeyman is coming. Let's boogey.

Fat people ride the escalator. Sign: "SELL THAT MOVE". Haha, why did I find that funny?

Smackdown crap. JBL is Uncle Sam, while Orlando is Uncle Tom. STOP COUNTING CHICKENS BEFORE THEY HATCH, JBL! SOME OF THOSE MIGHT BE DELICIOUS YOLKS! Man, you move to New York City and you forget everything you know about farming. Bradshaw makes good on his guarantee in a lame-ass fucking way. Do the people with the multi-part "Batista" sign not know how to draw an S? That says "Batiita" or "Bati8ta" or something. Dave calls the outfit ridiculous, then steals it for himself. He was just jealous.

Moments Ago, Dave showed up to hit on Candace. Ice. I don't know. Canned Ice. I remember him hitting on Christy, too. No taste.

Commercials. Harf.

Sponsors. Snickers is only satisfying if you eat it. Don't turn it sideways and stick it straight up your candy ass.

Sign: "HASSAN HATES PAUL LONDON." That's more offensive than anything the WWE's done in this angle. TAKE THAT FAN TO THE RAPE ROOMS. Vidya package of what Muhammad's done on Smackdown. The sympathizers are shown in all their ululating glory, which is surprising. What's on the end of that steel wire? A pet rock?

Since when do commercial bumps have little subtitles, anyway? "EDDIE TRIES TO WALK ON BENOIT"

Commercials. Eek.

The Stanley Slam of the Week is Bischoff psyching up a room full of idiots before Cena wins the lumberjack match. Glad to see that Tyson and the Heart Throbs ironed things out.

Let's talk about RAW. Todd: "We are in Cleveland, Ohio, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame..." Josh, seemingly serious: "No, we're in Buffalo!" Todd: "We're in Buffalo, but tomorrow night! Cleveland!" Josh: "*embarrassment*" Not your best night, kid. He needs Romero to serve as his security blanket. Further RAW blabbin'. Todd: "Kane vs. Edge, it doesn't get any more brutal than this!" Huh. "Brutal stuff tomorrow night on RAW."

Benoit vs. Guerrero on Smackdown. Eddie's wife had to try and straighten him out. Eddie is married to Woody Paige.

Commercials. Christ.

The Subway Rewing is Melina and Candace and Torrie and whatever.

Josh subtly calls Todd gay. Fortunately, DE JOOCE IS LOOSE, as the Mexicools are in the process of mowing the HSBC arena. They storm the announce position and usurp the mic from Grande J. Juvi: "Gimme that! Welcome to the Mexicools' show! Come, come here, come here. You think you look cute, but you ain't Mexicool, baby! So get out the way. Finally, The Mexicools are in the house, and the house is with The Mexicoooools!" Crazy: "YEEEAAAAAAHHHHH!!!" Psicosis: "And remember, we are not Mexicans!" All: "WE ARE MEXICOOOOOLS!!!!!" Juvi: "How 'bout that, God?" That's probably not what he said.

Cut to Tazz and Shoelace. Cole: "The Mexicools talked about taking over Smackdown, they didn't say anything about Sunday Night Heat!" They were being unrealistic. Tazz calls Josh and Todd "Vuh" and "Nella". More matches. BWO vs. Mexycools. Dave vs. Bradshaw. Batista is "deadly," while JBL is "savvy" and "salty". Hassan vs. Undertaker. MNM vs. Heidenreich/Animal. Booker T vs. Christian. Orlando Jordan vs. Benoit. Torrie vs. Melina with Candice as referee. Eddie Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio.

Guerrero/Mysterio package.

Commercials. This can end at any time.

Plumbin' Ain't Easy v. Juvi's 450 Shrunk Me To A Smaller Stature

Heelzio's already shadow-boxing in the ring. This is a title match, but it's not like that matters. Run run run run slide slide slide get stomped on. Cole: "Do not adjust your sets, ladies and gentlemen! This is a Cruiserweight match-up from Smackdown!" I'm glad he told me, because I was about to fiddle with my television until the wrestlers were back to normal height. Nunzio's clubberin' on Paul, but he fires back with forearms. Whip, leg ducked under, and Nunzio slides to the floor. London scoots out after him, being lured into an ambush back in the ring. Front dropkick to the head. 1, 2, no. Ninja Chokeout. London stands and escapes with a Super Mario Stunner. Forearm to the jaw, kicks to the arms. Whip reversed, London skips over the backdrop attempt (Billy Gunns it), and busts The Nunz with a leg lariat. 1, 2, no. Corner whip, forearm smash. Trying the same in the opposite corner, but Nunzio dumps him to the apron. Tazz said "Bash is," but I heard "Bashams." Nunzio stuns London with a forearm and scales the turnbuckles, but Paul kicks him in the face in the process. London slowly steps back in, so Nunzio crushes him with the Sicilian Slice! 1, 2, no. Arrivederci coming up, but London prevents it. Arm-twisty, forearm ducked, London catches a crossbody, I guess, and awkwardly rolls back to pick him up in powerslam position. Swung into a Side Effect backbreaker on the knee! Nunzio's dragged toward the corner... Shooting Star Press! Pull the R-Trigger on your computing machine. 1, 2, 3. Run away! That match was twelve seconds long.

Tazz, on Batista: "He's so strong and quick and young!" While Bradshaw is weak and slow and old! And fat! He remains savvy and salty, however.

Batista/JBL package. Sho long. Playa.

Final Thoughts: Patrice O'Neal informs us that "giant boats eatin' submarines" is one of the things that "black people love to watch."