Aired January 20, 2002
Rebeaker: TNM
YOU HAVE MY AXE! Seriously, give it back. We are ALLLLL up in Atlanta, GA for a crappy pre-PPV edition of Sunday Night Heat. Will there even be a match tonight? All the midcarders might be involved in the Royal Rumble. We start with a short video package about the PPV. LOOK, K-KWIK! Al Snow is sitting in with Michael Cole since Tazz is busy preparing to JOB OUT.
Crowd shot. "96 ROCK" sure was busy giving out those "What?" signs. I hate them already. The Rock takes on Chris Jericho tonight, so here is a graphic. Ric Flair vs. Vince McMahon, too. Time to air a video package about the two old men. Bloody Flair looks like a zombie. I see Jimmy Hart. There's Vince scampering to the ring like a troll.
Shot of WWF New York now, where you can watch the Royal Rumble. Hey, Shawn Michaels is arriving there for some reason. He should take off that fucking god awful Texas shirt. (OH, YOU'D LIKE THAT, WOULDN'T YOU, FAG?)
Commercials. There is way, way too much Real World/Road Rules crap on MTV. Heat is sponsored by Gameboy Advance, but here's a boring NBA Courtside commercial for Gamecube instead. Time for the Orange County commercials to STOP. An ugly guy gargles chocolate milk. This commercial for NBA 2K2 is as fucking stupid as the Courtside one was boring. LADIES LOVE COOL JAMES plays the Rollerball, accompanied by Rob Zombie's stupid Edge theme. "Kidnapped" is like Fear Factor, only even shittier.
Royal Rumble Return: Val Venis. They just show clips of him and stuff. Al Snow says he's also going to be in the Rumble, but he won't tell Cole his number. Hype for the tag team championship match and footage of the beatdown the Dudleyz delivered on Smackdown. C'mon, Tazz.
Earlier today, Spike and Tazz arrived. Spike sports a big fat neckbrace. Lilian, who is dressed like a zebra, is there to interview them. Tazz says some things and then makes Lilian run away in terror. Graphic for the match. Fucking boring. Jericho Needs Vagiclean, according to this sign. Somebody holds up the flag of Norway or Sweden or someplace like that.
Commercials. WWF live events announcement. THANKS FOR SHOWING A GRATUITOUS SHOT OF RIKISHI'S ASS AS YOU TELL US ABOUT HERSHEY, PA! This Real World episode is about homos, but really, aren't they all? BB King is old and creepy. Kung Pow sucks so much. That 80's Show sucks a lot, too. I know these things. I hate that fucking old man from the sitcom with the talking bunny. Local commercial for the Starved Rock Lodge, because we like to celebrate the deaths of Native Americans here in Illinois. Gorillaz have an American tour? BUT THAT WILL BREAK KAYFABE!!!
Royal Rumble Return: Goldust. THEY SAY I'M COCKY, AND I SAY STUFF. Al gives a "shoutout" to his "homey" Kid Rock. Regal faces Edge tonight. Graphic. Trish vs. Jazz, graphic. Footage of Jazz's attack on Smackdown. Al starts talking like an Irishman for some fucking reason. A little leprachaun told him that Jackie will ref the women's title match. Okay, that makes no sense. Trish is getting her hand wrapped backstage. OMG HER THUMB IS IN A SPLINT JR TOLD ME SO. She and Coach shoot the shit, but Coach doesn't awkwardly come on to her. He makes a creepy little face as she leaves, though.
Commercials. The Rock does many things, most of them shittily. HAHAHAHA, he dresses like the Brooklyn Brawler. Look at that goddamned hat. The Royal Tenenbaums soundtrack features Mark Mothersbaugh. MARK FUCKING MOTHERSBAUGH! Some pregnant woman vandalizes a windshield. Slackers has to be a terrible, terrible movie, but I will not speak ill of it because it features that guy from Rushmore and Big Pete. BIG MOTHERFUCKING PETE! Maybe cursing a lot will improve this awful rebeak about an awful, awful show.
The WWF Snap of the Night is presented by Slim Jim. The Big Show touches Rikishi's ass as he dumps him over the top rope. Al: "EAAAT MEEEEE!!!"
God, the Undertaker looks horrifying in this Royal Rumble graphic. Al finally admits to drawing #6 in the Rumble. Here's a package about the battle royal again, most of which they already showed at the very beginning. BIP BOOP BEEP it is Triple H! Spit that water! Kick that crotch! Wait, this is that stupid promo where Austin "What?"s along with Kid Rock. SHRUG, RVD!!! Hahaha, that is cute.
OMG OMG IT IS MAVEN! Zebra Lilian talks to him about the Rumble, which he is apparently in. One year ago he was a 6th grade schoolteacher. "Can somebody please pinch me? But seriously, though..." HE'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK, FOLKS! He's going to try to throw some people over the top rope and not get thrown over himself. A winning strategy if ever I heard one. This will be the high point of the show, sadly.
FFX's Royal Rumble Replay features Kane going nuts in last year's Rumble. I see Steve Blackman! Honky!
Commercial. The diary of Ludacrith. WARNING WARNING: Orange County sucks. Final Fantasy X is Gorgeous and Grand. SHE GONE AND DONE IT! I hate this Nike commercial where they keep going "JUST" over and over. They could have put "Just" Joe in it, but they dropped the ball there.
The FFX Slam of the Week is stuff that happened during Smackdown's main event tag.
For those of you goddamned morons who don't know how the Rumble works, here is the Rikishi/Canadians over-the-top thing in its FUCKING ENTIRETY. I feel bad for Christian. Lance Storm can go fuck himself, but poor, poor Christian. HE IS EATING FROM RIKISHI'S "CRACK"ER BARREL!!! GET IT?! Feel free to use that one in your commentary, Lance. Here comes Show. FEEL THAT AZZ UP. Here come the APA, and Bradshaw goes "A HAW HAW HAW!". There's Kane. ACHTUNG ACHTUNG THIS SUCKS.
Backstage, Ric Flair arrives with his piggish daughter and his ape-like son. Reid, not David. Reid appears a lot older than he did when he kicked Bischoff's ass, but he's still got that hideous haircut. Coach wants an interview, but he gets the ol' brushoff. All this Flair family stuff makes me think of Russo, and how McMahon is going to negate the greatest thing he ever did by probably bringing Hogan back tonight. Blarg.
Commercials. NBA Courtside again. I'm going to go play it in a minute. LE PACTE DES LOUPS. Brett Favre can be in it now that he THREW 38 INTERCEPTIONS AND WENT HOME TO MISSUSSIPPUH HAHAHAHAH. Choke on it, CRZ. There's no good reason to drink. I was drinking a Coke, but I guess I better cut it out.
Royal Rumble Return: Mistar Perfect. Heh, Jesse Ventura announces as Hennig beats the fuck out of Bret Hart. HE MADE TEH BASKET!!!! Stasiak ripped that off in WCW, didn't he? Fucking ass.
Here comes Kurt Angle to wrestle a match HAHAH ROOFLES I MAKE TEH JOKEY. Crowd chants "You suck" to his music, which is still cute. "What" is not. Lawler and Ross are at ringside. The former picks Angle to win the Rumble. Audience "What?"s him, obviously. Angle talks about bad habits like nail biting or "acting like a total bunch of idiots by saying What every two seconds". JR says "What?" to Lawler, because he is teh funneyman. A guy has some weird electronic device that keeps scrolling "What" on the screen.
Kurt is a winner, the crowd is full of losers, blah blah. Angle won his gold medals in this very city. He wants the crowd to yell "Hero" instead of "What". He wants them to yell "Inspiration". "Dominant". Or better yet, "Main Event At Wrestlemania". That's where he'll be while the people of Atlanta are busy marrying their cousins. Angle screams "What" a million times and the crowd mimics. His music plays as he's leaving, but LAWLER gets in the ring to kill some more time. YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK HEAT SUCKS THIS SUCKS. They could have at least put on a H20MAN match or something. Lawler says absolutely nothing of note but basically tries to get the crowd to warm up to Angle. Kurt is his royal pick to win.
Rock/Jericho video package closes things out. GOOD-NIGHT, as Scott Hudson used to say.
Final thoughts: NOBODY GETS HIGHER THAN ROB VAN SAM. I will watch ANYTHING, and I can honestly say that this was the worst Heat I've ever seen. I wouldn't have had to make so many Lord of the Rings references if it didn't suck so much. You know who to blame.