Pre-Heat: "HORSE POWER". I believe it is a program in which Mark Jindrak gives basketball pointers. Two-pointers and three-pointers.

DUH I AM WATCHING THE BOX IT WILL ENTERTAIN ME.

Heat opening.

'PIECE OF SHIT OH SNAP v. A Guy Of Some Sort

Wait a minute! This isn't going to entertain me, Spike TV! I've been bamboozled again. Jesus, Coach is wearing a black turtleneck like some sort of dirty beatnik or performance artist. He joined the Barely Black Man Group. Masterpiece gots a black eye. Now his effeminate beauty will be forever marred. Like when the nose fell off The Spinx. He's gonna talk! What a treat! $5,000 to break the Masterlock. Coach and Todd nominate one another. "Ah, step aside, Bozo!" Pick Wizzo. Wizzo can break it with a little bit of the Doody-Doody-Doo. Masters picks some twiggy little dude who would rather not participate. Coach: "Nobody has any guts anymore!" He finally gets in the ring before trying to escape again. Masters praises him for his major guns. "The shirt doesn't lie! You are The Animal, my friend!" His name is Gary. Gary from Pennsylvania. And Masters makes a ragdoll of him. Exciting. Coach: "Instead of calling him Gary, let's just call him Raggedy Andy!" Can I call him "Professor Andy?"

Antonio looks to take revenge on William Regal later for that disgusting welt. Also, we forgot to show the John Cena video on Heat last week! That can be easily remedied!!!

Commercials. Yawn.

Let's recap the trials and tribulations of Triple H. Well, you can. I don't wanna. OH HO I HAVE BEEN SMARTENED UP. Triple H will pack his bag with a case of bottled water and walk out. Like when Mr. Monk went to Mexico. HHH takes care to avoid the door hitting him on the ass. That would result in assblood.

One Night Stand promo.

Commercials. E-Trade asks you to Be Master Of Your Domain. Your cactus and your dog and your office chair and your laptop will GROVEL AT YOUR FEET! But not women, because they're uppity bitches.

The Longest Yard Rewing is Tomko losing to Flair.

I Have No More Nicknames For This Man v. Security, Punk

Coach is threatened. Someone has figured out that C.M. Punk is a single, solitary human being. Val has new panties with one of those clicky movie director things. You know what I'm talking about. Anal Asians 28: Motion of the Laotian, take one! *click* Punk wears little Corino panties. Todd tells us that he's "done very well on the independent circuit." Thanks, Todd. Sign: "T.O. IS A CANCER". Also, don't forget the B.O. There goes the towel.

Lockup, Val wrings the arm. To a hammerlock, but Punk reverses. He takes it to a side headlock. Whipped off, C.M. gets the better of the shoulderblock. C.M. stands for "Cookie Monster," by the way. Todd makes the Punky Brewster joke that was already festering in the dark recesses of my mind. Coach: "You know, she's pretty hot right now, too!" Off the ropes, Punk hops over, slides through the legs, off the ropes goes Val, and this shoulderblock is eaten by Punk. Off the ropes, Val hops over, Punk's hiptoss is blocked, Val's is not. Now Venis rushes into an armdrag. So does Punk. He swipes a leg and covers for one, however. Val does the same. Indy Respect. Val gives him some applause and a handshake. Then he turns his back, so Punk chop blocks him. Attaboy. The choice of a HEEEEEEL generation.

Punk licks his thumb before kicking the thigh. Elbowdrops on the knee. He removes the kneepad to kick some more. Wow, Val Venis has tiny little knees. There's a leglock of some sort, which Val escapes with back clubbers. Shots to Punk's gut. And knife-edge chops. Todd: "C.M. Punk has an advantage in this aspect, respect, that he gets to watch Val Venis each and every week right here on Heat..." What a lucky, lucky boy. This, of course, means that I could defeat Val Venis. He's throwing more pissed-off chops in the corner. Punk finally bails, taking out a leg and bashing the knee into the ringpost. Back in to smash it on the canvas. Stomp. There's a really lethargic Sexay Dance. Get that weak stuff outta here, C.M. Punk. Driving his weight down on the knee. Wrenching it. Val's shoulders go down for two. Venis continues to bite his knuckle in pain because he's a fabulous pornographic actor. He boots Punk away and knees him in the face. Clothesline by Venis. Back elbow. Whip, big backdrop. Chop, ten corner clotheslines. Reverse neckbreaker, 1, 2, no. Val reels Punk in by the panties for more back clubbin'. Whip, no, Punk swings out into a sleeper, which Val quickly turns into Blue Thunder! 1, 2, no. Trying the Penisplex, but his wimpy little knee won't support it. Punk takes Val down with a drop toehold. Then he snaps back on the knee. Half Boston crab. Val won't give it up. Coach: "Well, he's sayin' 'No, no, no!' but in a minute he's gonna say 'Yes, yes, yes!' Or in the words of the Heart Throbs... 'Yo, yo, yo!' 'Mo, mo, mo!' Heh-ha!" Haha, that's not even how it goes. Val crawls for the bottom rope... got it. Punk takes his sweet time in letting go. C.M. has Val by the pink boot. Trying to pull him into a short-arm clothesline, but Val hooks his arm for the half-nelson uranage! Dorking around in preparation for the Money Shot... Hit it, but his knee hurts. Todd: "Shirley! Shirley, this is the end for C.M. Punk!" I don't know who you're talkin' to, dude. Cover, 1, 2, 3. Now Coach starts talking about ecstasy and pleasure. Yuck.

Cena's damned video.

Commercials. Screw it.

Coach is wearing weird, goggle-style shades.

Gold Rush recap. "Grade-1 Concussion" is said. Christian vs. Flair and Jericho/Benjamin vs. Hassan/Daivari.

Maria welcomes Various Muppets to Sesame Street. They rise up like they do. Wearing Smooth Criminal hats this week. Rough Man and Smooth Man. I like how they always talk in weird, hypnotizing, singsong voices. Eww, Antonio's head snaps around to reveal his gross face. Not nearly as swollen, but it left a giant bruise with blood leaking into the eye. Romero: "There are two places on our bodies that we don't like to get hit." Antonio is mad because he's had to cancel photoshoots. Romeo: "You even had to cancel your date with what's-her-name! Was it, uh... Louise, Louise! No, that was last week, uh, Mary, Mary... No, Rose?" The Heart Throbs date sixty-year old women. Whoa, whoa, whoa, oh, oh, oh, no, no, no.

Commercials. Blarg.

Watch RAW. OMG GOLD RUSH KEKEKEKE ^_^

OW! You're breakin' my... HEART! v. Jorry Goodu Day, Govanoru!

Dancing. Asses are shaken. We see what happened last week. The eye was allegedly injured when the Heart Throbs were whipped into one another. Coach: "...you could pop it like a big ol' zit!" Don't you start with me. Dap Dance. The camera pulls back for the depantsing. Maybe somebody's wiener fell out. Quick recap: Romeo looks like A) a Muppet and B) a serial killer. There WILL be a test. Eric Bischoff just called Coach a few minutes ago to tell him that Regal and Tajiri will be suspended if they keep dishing out cheap shots. True Story.

Lockup, Antonio gets driven into the corner. Clean break, but everybody's ready for fisticuffs. Antonio hides amongst the ropes. Lockup, Antonio maneuvers his way into an armbar. Regal somersaults around to reverse it. Into a side headlock, whipped off, Antonio gets plowed by a shoulderblock. Coach thinks Regal and Tajiri are "over the hill." Lockup, side headlock by Regal. Antonio escapes to a wristlock, powering Regal all the way down. William does a crazy breakdancing move to turn it into a drop toehold! He's been clubbin'! Regal quickly floats over into a front chancery. Antonio swings out by the arm, but Regal somersaults to safety. Now he gets kicked and clubbed. Side headlock by Tony. Whipped off, back elbow by Regal. Forearm to the face. Now some knees, then back to the headlock. Whipped off, head down too soon, and Antonio gets kicked. He rolls outside to bitch about stuff. Romeo: "Let me at 'im! Let me at 'im!" Settle down, Scrappy Doo. Let's take a break.

Commercials. Puppy Power. Woohoo.

We return to find Antonio's ass being kicked some more. Forearm shivers in the corner. Turnbuckle whip, back bodydrop. Snapmare, kneedrop to the face, 1, 2, no. Another side headlock by Regal. Whipped into the corner, where Romeo trips him up. It allows Antonio to strike with an elbowdrop. Tajiri complains while Romeo applies the boots. Antonio follows to shoot Regal into the edge of the apron. Back in for Antonio's choking. Biting his ear. Willie fights back with a gutshot and forearms. Coach: "I don't think he actually wanted to bite the ear off! I think he just wanted to taste it a little bit!" Whip reversed by Antonio, who delivers a back elbow. 1, 2, no. Boot choke. Referee Mike Chioda has words with him, allowing Romeo to continue the chokery. Here comes Tajiri, and the chase is on. Romeo high-steps his way outta there. Back in the ring, Regal takes a reverse neckbreaker. 1, 2, no. Ninja Chokeout. Regal breaks free with knees to the noggin. Forearm, hard European uppercut that excites the heat machine. Trying a whip, but Antonio swings out for a side Russian legsweep. 1, 2, no. Rear facelock with a knee in the back. Tajiri rallies the crowd as Regal attempts to stand. He escapes with kneelifts. Down goes Antonio. Uppercut, whip, dropkick! 1, 2, no. Todd: "Antonio showing some moxie, Coach!" Don't get him started, kiiid.

Antonio takes another uppercut. Regal plays around with his arm for no particular reason, but Antonio strikes with a kneelift. Corner whip, Regal puts on the brakes and surprises Antonio with a schoolboy... 1, 2, no! Butterfly suplex! 1, 2, no. Back elbows drop Antonio. There's sort of a T-Bone slam, I guess. 1, 2, Romeo enters to save. That'll be a Dairy Queen. Tajiri goes absolutely nuts on him. Coach: "Antonio just defeated William Regal!" Todd: "No! No! That is not true!" The Heart Throbs are forced to beat feet. Antonio tells us it ain't over. Romeo: "We're the winner!"

Final Thoughts: Pretty shitty.