Aired January 13, 2002
Rebeaker: TNM
BAD DAY BAD DAY BAD DAY! We are LIZZIVE from WWF New York for this installment of Sunday Night Heazy. Michael Cole and Tazz are our hosts. Tazz's Fag Team (OH HO BURNED) title is on display. Spike Dudley will be guest-hosting.
Plz don't turn it up: The Jew Crew v. Crash and Sho Knows Polo
Albert's red yarmulke makes him look like a rooster or something. Scotty gives the audience the clap, then locks it up with Funaki. Side headlock, Funaki whips out of it and eats a shoulderblock. Spinning back suplex by Scotty. He kips up and moonwalks over to Albert. Funaki, on all fours, comically reacts as he looks up at Albert's boots, then his crotch, then his face. Albert: "BLAAAAAH!" Hahaha. Funaki is frightened off.
Crash is in to give that big bully Albert a good tongue-lashing. Poking his chest. Now Crash wants the test of strength. This gives Albert a good belly laugh, but Crash tricks him by continuing to change hands. Albert tires of the shenanigans and gets Crash in the giant swing. Jesus, Crash is getting good air. Albert holds it for about 10 seconds. Tazz makes some throw-up jokes at Cole's expense. Albert then throws a back elbow to stop Funaki's charge.
Here comes Scotty, who rubs Albert's head for luck. They collaborate on a doubleteam where Albert holds Scotty up and charges forward for a dropkick. Funaki nails Scotty off the whip and gets tagged with a SUBPARKICK for his trouble. This allows Crash to gain the advantage with a clothesline. Heh, Tazz just got Cole to yell "PORNOGRAPHIC!". Do I need a period there? I fucking hate punctuation. Scotty's getting choked in the corner, by the way.
Funaki tagged in and out, but he didn't do much of note. Eye rake by Crash, but he gets dropped by a neckbreaker. Scotty's crawling for the tag... Makes it! Punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, dance, double punch! Press slam for Funaki, then Albert just drops him. Scotty's in to do the Wyrm... Bulldog on Funaki, but Crash tosses him over the top. Albert nails Crash with the corner avalanche, and Scotty's back with the bulldog! WYRM, hoo, hoo, etc, 1, 2, 3. Eww, Albert slips his head between Scotty's legs.
The Slim Jim Snap of the Night is presented by Toyota. Haha, no, I'm kidding. It's Spike and Tazz defeating the Dudleyz for the Tag Team championship. Do I need to capitalize Tag Team? What about championship? I fucking hate capitalization.
Commercials. Some football players tackle a bunch people they have no business tackling. I think the police should be notified, personally. Orange County sucks. Hey, Burger King has a new commercial starring BB King. "BK AND BB!" he shouts as he makes like the sunbaby. It sucks every bit as much as that Globetrotters one. Black Cock Down. Haha, he really DOES scream "RVD!".
Cole calls New York "the greatest city in the world", and I call Cole an "assbarber". Ric Flair and Vince McMahon will square off next week at the Royal Rumble. Here's what I assume is the same Flair package they showed on RAW. Because if there's one artist who represents what Ric Flair is all about, it's Kid Rock. All this old school footage reminds me that I saw Dusty Rhodes the other day on a commercial for Illinois Title Loans. Just fucking embarrassing. Haha, look at Syxx crawling around with his poodle perm.
The Dudley Boyz are arriving backstage. They ask Sergeant Slaughter where their dressing room is and he gets all crotchety. Buh Buh: "Whoa, whoa, we got our fatigues on! Back down there, G.I.!" Then he goes "PUKE! MAGGOT!" Heh. Did D-Von just call him a "gomer"? Now Sarge calls the Dudleyz ex-champs, and they take offense. D-Von with a shot from behind! Now they're punching and stomping away. Buh Buh tells Sarge to get a partner for a tag team match. Salute!
Commercials. Here's a promo for all the horrible, horrible shows MTV airs. Remember when they used to show videos? Yeah, me either. I think it's about time for Peyton2Marvin to be retired. I don't even want to talk about football, anyway. Okay, yes I do. Rams, plz EMBARRASS the Packers, and break Brett Favre's big white neck. What the hell kind of name is Favre, anyway? You're from fucking Mississippi, not Gay Pairee. Grr. Some Toyota commercial. I don't think anybody watching Heat can afford a car. Here's one for the Academy of Art in San Francisco, despite the fact that I live in ILLINOIS and SHOULD NOT BE SEEING THIS. Nelly visits the Peoria Civic Center on January 19th. This commercial rules because the big whitey announcer tries to talk like a "playa". "Deadline fo' entray is January Fo'teenth!"
MOMENTS AGO, Sergeant Slaughter got attaxed. Now Sarge is picking himself up and putting his FD/PD Yankees hat back on. Sigh. Here comes Saturn, who gets uncomfortably close to Sarge. They are Army Pals 4-eva. Saturn shows off some coin he got for being in the Army rangers. They give you coins in the military? Maybe the army is more similar to Chuck E. Cheese than I previously assumed. Sarge: "You ever dig a foxhole?" Saturn: "With my bare hands!" Huh. They're going to go kick some OOZAMMA ASS. "Semper Fi! Do or die!" You're not a fucking marine, Sarge. The crowd chants USA because they are MOOOOORRRROOONS Seriously, if the best we have to offer is Sergeant Slaughter and Perry Saturn, I'm outta here.
Out of nowhere, here comes the big gay couch segment. Spike picks something off of Cole's shoulder. "Piece of corn still stuck there." Hahaha, throw-up jokes rule. Spike says Tazz called him up in August of 1996 and gave him his job in ECW. Tazz thinks they should defend their titles against the Dudleyz at Royal Rumble, and Spike agrees. I think that is the WORST IDEA EVER. Cole wants to go "hit the clubs" with Tazz and Spike. They have no chance of picking up anybody with Cole, Spike says. Now just he and Tazz are going to "go out" later. Whatever.
Commercials. Do you want Jack Black to get naked and service you? Hyundai commercial. Stop it with the cars. Those guys are still illegally tackling everybody. HELP, NYPD!!! Sheryl Hymowitz lost a bunch of weight thanks to Jared and Subway. OY VEY! I wonder if Barry Horowitz also did. Oh man, Jared's totally putting the moves on her. HE'S GON' GIT SOME! Kung Pow makes me hate. I HATE BULLET TIME. You know what else I hate? When a movie promo is all serious, then it gets "wacky" right after a record scratches. I want to kick the shit out of that fucking record scratch sound.
Spike encounters the Kevin Nealon/Ben Stiller guy from Kung Pow backstage. Help me. His speech is dubbed like TAKA and Funaki. Here's some Asian woman who apparently has one breast. I couldn't actually tell that she has one breast, but they make a big deal out of it. The "star" of the "movie" holds up a poster. "...the movie Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, opening January 25th in theaters everywhere!" THIS WAS THE WORST THING EVER. THIS WAS WORSE THAN WHEN BEN STILLER WAS IN THE FIGURE FOUR. JESUS.
Tazz: "ONE BIG BOOB! You oughta have one of those things! *breast grab motion on Cole accompanied by penguin noise* One big *honking noise*!"
Keep on flamin' on: Panty Pal Billy v. Tajiri (w/ Torrie)
It's official: Billy and Chuck have lost their last names. Remember the two rules of Heat... The Panty Pals and the Zoo Crew are on EVERY EPISODE, and the Panty Pals NEVER LOSE. Tazz and Cole give a shoutout to their "buddy" who plays for the New York Jets, despite tearing the Jets a new one. Cole: "DIDN'T GET THE JOB DONE!" Billy mocks the little sumo stampy-feet thing. Lockup, Billy goes behind and is in the "anal sex" position for a moment before Tajiri rolls out. Kick to the ass.
Billy gets control and pummels away in the corner. Tajiri blocks a corner charge with his boot, ducks a clothesline, and JESUS GOD that's probably the hardest kick I've ever seen him deliver!!! I hope Chuck likes his men toothless, because Billy may have damaged his fellatin' mouth. Seriously, that fucking ruled. I might keep this episode on tape just to see Billy get his head kicked off. Tajiri follows up with kicks to the thigh, but Billy sends him airborne and pancakes him down. Two count. Gunn lays in some punches and tosses Tajiri outside for Chuck to work over.
Back in, Billy lands a delayed suplex. Gets two again. Bodyslam. Gunn's going topside, but Tajiri crotches him. Tajiri pulls Billy down into a sort of inverted tree of woe and then... spanks him. Tazz: "He might like that! Well, in Japan they do stuff like that." Cole: "How do you know?" Tazz: "It's hot in this room!" I'm surrounded by queers. GOD, hard dropkick to the back of the head. This rules. Billy's up, but Tajiri is chopping away. Handspring elbow! Backflip splash! 1, 2, NO! Tajiri is whipped to the corner, but Billy's charge is reversed to the Tarantula! Chuck breaks it with a punch.
Now Palumbo's up on the apron, only to get tagged with Tajiri's back kick. But Billy's over with a kick to the midsection and the Fameasser. 1, 2, 3. "Here is your winner: BILLY!" Kidman? Crystal? They can still retain their last names and be gay, WWF. Chuck is putting the red boots to Tajiri post-match until the lights go out! STAND BACK! THERE'S A HURRICANE COMIN' THRU! Chuck and Billy are looking to the entrance, but The Hurricane is already on the top turnbuckle! Crossbody! DDT! Double SUPPARKICK by Hurricane and Tajiri! They shake! I love The Hurricane so much.
Commercials. Some movie called The Brotherhood of the Wolf, or LE PACTE DES LOUPS if you're FRENCHYMAN BRETT FAVRE. "Hey! I heard about some kids that are gonna get some beer! Wanna go?" NOBODY talks like that. "There's no good reason to drink." What if you're THIRSTY, huh? Or DEHYDRATED??? Man, I am really smart. Thanks for the tampon commercial, MTV! I owe you one! Mandy Moore stars in an awful, awful movie. HAHA, E.K. Gaylord II is the executive producer. E.K. IS COOOOOO!
IT'S TIME TO PRAY DE GAME. Here's footage of HHH's return. Why does Helmsley always having to be spitting water or chewing gum or something? Fucking oral fixation. Now here are clips from Smackdown's run-in festival. When did the Big Show get so beardy?
Commercials. STOP TACKLING THOSE POOR PEOPLE! BK & BB. I ate Wendy's tonight. SORRY, TENNESSEE!!! Frostys fucking rule. Toy Yoda SUVs. I AM A GLORIOUS MAN. Naked Condom Man puts his ass on display. UGH.
And in an ass-related SEGUE, The FFX Slam of the Week is Rikishi assing Booker and Booker puking on Cole. Michael is not amused at the replay of that clip.
Don't ask, don't tell: The Dudley Boyz (w/ Big Dyke Dudley) v. Sergeant Stash and Corporal Cajun
Saturn is wearing camouflage pants and a stupid floppy army hat. Sarge is in his usual duds, complete with his really gay hat. "USA" chant. YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ME, SARGE, I REMEMBER WHEN YOU SIDED WITH COLONEL MUSTAFA. Four gentlemen involved in this match, yet they only have enough hair between them for one gentleman. Saturn and D-Von start off. Kneelift and punches by D-Von, but Saturn fights back with a clothesline. It's all smoky. Saturn mauls his opponent for awhile. Tazz got muted, I think for saying "pissed".
Twirly elbow by D-Von. "We Want Slaughter" says the crowd. "Why?" says The Next Mideon. Saturn lands a springboard crossbody. He ducks a clothesline to hit a northern lights suplex. Tag to Sarge! I wish Slaughter would wear some looser pants. Right hand for D-Von, and clotheslines for everybody. Sarge bodyslams both Dudleyz and tags out. D-Von takes Saturn out with a clothesline and tags Buh Buh.
Big back suplex. Buh Buh nails Sarge on the apron, then Saturn takes D-Von's head to his groin. Sarge wants in, but D-Von chokes Saturn while the ref is distracted. Buh Buh in with another shot to Slaughter. He slams Saturn and goes to the second rope. The senton hits!!!!!!! No, I lied, of course it fucking didn't. Saturn drills Buh Buh with a SOOPARKICK and gets only two. He's crawling toward Slaughter... Tag! Sarge cleans house. He suplexes D-Von really poorly, almost dropping him on his head.
Saturn clotheslines D-Von, and they both go over the top. Clothesline by Slaughter. He's looking for the Cobra Clutch! Got it! But D-Von breaks it from behind. He's got Slaughter's belt. Cole: "This is a regular match, not a humiliation process of Sergeant Slaughter!" A what? The Dudleyz try to clothesline Slaughter with the belt, but he ducks and hits a double clothesline! Sarge has the belt, and he's a'whippin' that African American gentleman! The ref disqualifies Sarge's team, because SLAVERY IS WRONG, YO. Haha, Buh Buh got whipped right on the head. Now Stacy's in to get the requisite ass spanking.
RAW's live from Dallas tommorrow. Angle versus Kane! Watch it! Or don't watch it, and read the rebeak! Or watch it AND read the rebeak! Sofa should be back. I think.
Final thoughts: This show gets A MILLION POINTS for all the head trauma Billy Gunn suffered. I'm going to go listen to the Fellowship of the Ring soundtrack now. Why I bought it, I cannot say. It's gonna have way, way too much Enya.