Here it go.

Never Eat Food v. Phat With A "PH." And A Y.

Simon tosses his duffel into the air, catches it, and celebrates wildly. He performs a little dance before taking the mic from Lilian. "Hi, everybody! Spring is in the air! Can you feel it? That's why, here tonight, I'm here to offer you my Simon Drean(?) Stretch Mark Removal Cream!" Simon Breen. Coach: "Lilian could use some!" Back to Simon. "Because God knows you people are gonna need it if you plan on hittin' the beaches this summer. And speaking of disgusting people who should never be on a beach, that brings me to my opponent tonight, Rhyno. Rhyno... I think more like they should call him Hyppo! 'Cause he's a fat, disgusting slob! And what's with him always running so fast to the ring? I mean, that's a ring bell goin' off, not a dinner bell! There's no buffet in the ring!" And Rhyno's music interrupts. Coach, of course, acts like that was the greatest comedic performance of all time. Coach: "One of these days, Rhyno is gonna trip and go face-first into the ring, and I just hope I'm there when that happens!"

"E-C-DUB". Todd reminds us of Coach's in-ring exploits last week. Simon ducks a lockup to play the bongos on Rhyno's belly fat in comical fashion. Now he's hiding behind Earl Hebner, who is inexplicably refereeing. Looking for a test of strength is Simon, but he decides he'd rather kick. Rhyno catches it. Foot dropped, clothesline ducked, Simon hits the ropes. Trying to reverse a hiptoss to one of his own, but Rhyno blocks. He's too fat, Simon! Hippotoss. Rhyno keeps Dean's arm trapped in his filthy armpit. Wringing the arm to pull Simon into a short-arm clothesline. Corner whip, Rhyno hits the middle turnbuckle when Simon dodges his charge. On the apron is Dean... reverse neckbreaker on the middle rope! And a big kick to the face. Back in, 1, 2, no. Coach tells us about the Christian/Tomko v. La Resistance v. Tajiri/Regal main event. Kneedrops and head stomps in the corner. Boot choke, right hand, choke on the middle rope, then headbutts. Weird. Rhyno's pissed. He's Fattening Up! Right hands to the ribs until Simon nails him with a throat thrust. Dean bounces off the bottom rope to drop another knee on the neck. Hard corner whip puts Rhyno on the canvas. Simon performs what may be the creepiest dance in wrestling history. Like a pelvic thrust, but his crotch was the ONLY part of his body that moved. Legdrop. Dean sits on the prone Rhyno's shoulders, kinda, then turns over and does sort of a push-up motion to repeatedly bash Rhyno's head into the mat. Or something. 1, 2, no. Chest clubbering.

Simon applies the dreaded Ninja Chokeout as Coach tells us how he gave Batista a hot tip. I was genuinely surprised by Dave's friendliness. I guess Coach really WAS tight with Evolution! "I almost took Batista on! He was that close to gettin' the wrath of the Coach!" Rhyno's fighting to his feet. Gutshots break the hold. He hefts Simon in fireman's carry position and brings him down into a Diamond Cutter. Slow to cover, 1, 2, no. Dean's calling for time. He lures Rhyno in close so he can pitch him into the middle turnbuckle. Simon proceeds to dig through his unusually skimpy satchel, but he and Earl Hebner have become locked in a bitter struggle for the bag. Dean wins, but the thing goes flying when Rhyno murders him with the Gore. 1, 2, 3.

Your WrestleMania Recall is all the dumb shit that happened at the first one.

Commercials. I wish you'd also smoked weed and become a bum, Jose, because your "poetry" is retarded.

Friggin' Hall of Fame stuff. Jesus Christ, Hogan. When I figure out what I'm gonna do, you'll be the first to know.

From RAW, Triple H and Batista had what might have been the most boring confrontation ever. Why is there a big waffle iron or something in the corner? Batista versus Flair on RAW. How old is that Triple H graphic? Not even any facial hair.

Commercials. I do not care.

"The rowdiest man in WWE history... IS BACK!" K-Kwik?

Simon Needs To Teach Me That Dance v. Staten Island Fairy

Sign: "GET R DONE". I have no idea how that applies to Val Venis, but I'm sure Boobermonkeys is thrilled. What in the fuck is Big Vito doing here? Did he sneak through in Stamboli's trunk? He's making the "Pinch of Parmesan" pantomime, regardless. It's been a good weekend for that gesture.

Vito tries to frighten Val by sliding around on the mat like Dean Malenko. Lockup, Vito's forced up against the ropes, but he turns things around. Clean break? No, but Val matches his forearm shot. Todd gets confused on the subject of colors before Vito lands a kneelift. Punch in the corner. Pizza piehole stomp. Coach is sick of Val ripping him off. "The Coach looks good in pink, he's wearin' pink!" Both wrestlers are emulating his shaved head gimmick, in fact! "It means a lot to me. It makes me feel good." Boot choke by Vito. He relents to do a little Tootsie Roll sexay dance. Val busts him with clotheslines when he finishes up. Whip, back elbow, elbowdrop. Off the ropes, kneedrop, 1, 2, no. Vito rolls to the apron and tags Venis with a back elbow. Yankin' his arm down across the top rope. Back in, Val gets clubbered. Coach: "Everything I say sounds cool." Vito hammerlocks Val's arm and drives it into the turnbuckles. More boot choking. Tugging the faceholes. Venis' arm is bashed into the top turnbuckle. Flipped down by it. Armbar. You're fucking boring, Vito. And I don't remember a single funny thing about you from WCW. At least Stamboli was taken under Terry Funk's wing.

Val punches free of the submission and turns it into an armdrag. No matter, as Vito cuts him down with a shot to the throat. 1, 2, no. Whip, head down too soon, and Vito gets kicked. Venis ducks his clothesline and throws a fisticuff. Whip, backdrop. But nobody's home for Val's corner charge. Vito clubs him and attempts a German-Italian suplex, which Val blocks. Back elbow. Val wants a whip, but Vito swings out for a back elbow of his own. Clothesline ducked by Venis, forearm to the back, Blue Thunder. Now he's glancing about like a moron to set up the Money Shot. Vito's back up before Val even reaches the apron, so Venis returns to hit his half-nelson uranage. This time Val's going to climb... Money Shot. Tony Mamaluke wants his three dollars. Whatever, I've got nothing. 1, 2, 3.

Commercials. I need to not watch Heat in advance from now on. It lowers my energy level even further.

The Snickers Rewing is Edge's backstage assault on HBK.

Portions of the Street Fight are replayed. Was Edge wearing a skull and crossbones belt buckle? Perhaps Gangrel or Christian could loan him some pirate shirts. Most of the important spots are clipped in. This was pretty well-assembled. If only there were COLORS. Now we cut to Thursday and see HBK's revenge. The Hamburglar was in the front row.

Commercials. Nay.

The Juicy Drop Pop Slam of the Week was Trish apparently wearing her awesome pinstriped businesswoman's midriff shirt and I MISSED IT! When there are that many adjectives, you just skip the commas entirely. Christy's stupid dress looks like a towel. She gets Chimp Kicked before having an "S" painted on her ass. An "S" and nothing else, if this replay is to be believed. It stands for "Spaz."

The Maestro (w/ Ryan Shamrock) v. Yo, You Dealin' Wit' Tha Non-Factor v. Japanese, Retarded... Same Thing

Haha, Christian looks like such a dork. Coach thinks he and Tomko are the favorites. Christian and Tomko, not Coach and Tomko. The tag titles are on the line. We'll soon see how Coach lost last week's main event. Coach: "Do we really have to show that?" Todd: "I'm not in charge here, I'm just... I'm the talking... monkey." Who IS in charge with Stevie gone, anyway? Probably either Val Venis or The Cubs Fan. Delegating. Last Sunday, Coach got buzzsaw kicked. He's blaming Mike Chioda for shoddy refereeing. Todd explains how an elimination match works. Thanks, Todd. We're not idiots.

Regal starts with Grenier. Lockup, side headlock by William. Quick cravat-type thing, forearm, then back to the headlock. Whipped off, but Grenier falls to the shoulderblock. Cover for one. Snapmare, kneedrop to the face. Regal brings in Tajiri. Another snapmare precedes sandwich kicks to the chest/back. Delicious sandwich kicks. Tajiri drives the point of his elbow into Grenier's head. Armwringin', but Sylvain hauls him down by the hair. Front chancery applied so that Conway can tag in. Grenier restrains Tajiri for his punch. Picked up for another. Robert, to Chioda: "He spit in my face last week!" Tajiri blocks a punch and kicks the thigh. He lands a couple little Jappy punches before charging off the ropes and into Conway's tilt-a-whirl backbreaker! 1, 2, no. Tajiri's driven into the La Res corner for another tag. Conway whips him into Sylvain's back elbow, then flattens him with a clothesline. Cover by Grenier, 1, 2, no. Scoop slam. Michael Cole, from his living room: "Powerslam!" Grenier tries to drop a big, stupid knee, but Tajiri evades. Kick to said knee. Chop. Whip reversed, blind tag by Christian on Tajiri. Tajiri ducks Sylvain's clothesline and nails him with an enzuigiri. Cover, but Tajiri's no longer legal. Christian tells him to hit the bricks. Haha, Tajiri kicks him from behind before doing so. Grenier has Christian covered for a million years, but Chioda was bitching at Tajiri. He finally counts, but Christian's out at two.

Christian's tossed into La Resistance's corner for kicks and punches. Conway employs some tag rope chokery as Chioda scolds Grenier. Tomko solves that problem. Now he decks Sylvain and enters the ring. Conway ambushes to set up a doubleteam beatdown. Christian tries to help, but he only succeeds in falling victim to the Hart Attack clothesline. Double whip for T-Squared, trying a double backdrop, but he clubbers his way out. Conway eats a clothesline and goes flying. Coach talks up Tomko's improvement. Grenier nails Tyson from behind, sending him into the face corner, where he jacks everyone. Sylvain puts him back down with a flapjack, however. Todd: "...bulldog..." Uh. Sylvain fucks up his kip-up again. I still don't know if that's supposed to be intentional and funny or unintentional and still funny. Tajiri kicks Grenier right in the throat when he's finished flopping around like a dipshit, hahaha. It's PANDEMONIUM!!! Now Tajiri's blasting Tomko with kicks to the thigh. Corner whip reversed, Tyson charges into a Tarantula attempt, but he spins around and dumps Tajiri. Regal comes running, but Tomko gets a boot up. Or knee. Or something. Christian slides back in... Unprettier for Grenier! 1, 2, 3! They gone. A hug for Tomko takes us to break.

Commercials. Don't you touch Bill Walton's Chinese food, Marbury.

We return to find Christian choking Regal. Ninja Chokeout. During the break, Regal was beating ass on the outside until Christian thumbed the eye and sent him into the ringpost. Currently, William powers out to a wristlock, but Christian pops him with a kidney punch. Regal's eaten many a kidney in his day. Tomko's tagged in for mauling. Mounted punching. Throttling. Tyson's really lost it, but Chioda can't restrain him. Jesus. Cover, 1, 2, no. A snapmare beal sends Regal across the ring. Boot choke. T-Squared drags Regal to his corner and tags out. Stomp by Christian. He arranges Regal in the corner, but William blocks his shot to deliver European uppercuts. Regal needs the tag, but Christian trips him up. Willie's leg is grapevined as Christian hauls him back to the unfriendly corner. Tag to Tyson, who rushes across the ring to pound Tajiri. More choking for Regal as Chioda has to keep Tajiri out. Punchings. Back to Christian, who punches Regal in his stocky, stocky frame. Scoop slam, but an elbowdrop misses. Regal sends Christian flippin' with a left hand to the gut. He's still dying in the corner as Christian tags out. Tyson's charge is dodged! Hot tag to Tajiri! He lights Tomko up with kicks. Whip reversed, handspring elbow! A front dropkick knocks Christian through the ropes! Spinning heel kick for Tyson! 1, 2, no.

Tomko slows Tajiri's roll with a kneelift. Egg roll. Am I right, Coach? Whip, clothesline ducked, and Christian gets knocked off the apron yet again by a handspring! Poor fellow. Tomko staggers into a thrust kick to the beard! 1, 2, Christian saves! He sends Tajiri into the corner, then wanders into the Tarantula! But Tomko quickly breaks it up. Tajiri is seated on the turnbuckles for choking and punching and whatnot. He tries to turn things around with a tornado DDT, but Tyson shoves it off. Big boot ducked, but Tajiri still gets caught by a kick to the ribs. Tomko loads him up for an over-the-shoulder powerslam or something, but Regal saves with another kick to the midsection. William clotheslines Christian to the floor as Tajiri winds up behind the kneeling Tomko... IMPTHOKK to the back of the head! 1, 2, 3! And we're quickly out.

Final Thoughts: Now is the time for Carlito to have his Way.