Aired January 6, 2002
Rebeaker: TNM
IT'S DIFFERENT DOWN HERE. We are LIVE from WWF New York with Michael Cole and Tazz. The Sunday Night Heat logo is still ON FIRE!!! FDNY must be too busy selling little hats that say FDNY to address the situation. It's the first episode of 2002, says Cole. Terri is guest-hosting.
Hump, hump, in the rump: Panty Pal Billy Gunn v. Scotty 2 Hotty
Tazz, on the Panty Patrol: "There's some people out there that might think these two guys are hot!" Name names, Tazz. Jesus, it's one of those "two guys have a match, then later their partners have the same match again" setups. I have already expressed my displeasure with that kind of booking, WWF. WHY ARE YOU NOT CATERING TO MY WHIMS ON YOUR C-LEVEL SHOW???
At least Scotty's hair is normal now. The ref tells Albert he has to leave ringside, then does the same for Chuck. Albert: "AH HAH HAH HAH HAH" Billy attacks from behind and punches Scotty for awhile. Here's a shot of Chuck's ass as he walks backstage. Thanks, cameraman. Gunn slams his opponent and poses, but Scotty comes from behind with right hands. Cole: "Billy doin' a little premature celebration!" Is that like... no, no we won't even go there.
Gunn regains control with a tilt-a-whirl slam. It gets two. Billy with some boring punch-oriented offense. Off the whip, Scotty retaliates with a NICE swinging DDT! Both men down. Cole says something about Scotty pulling off an upset, and Tazz says "BILLY MIGHT LIKE IF SCOTTY PULLS IT OFF BAHAHAHAHAH". Back up, Scotty lands a neckbreaker for two. Billy takes over, but his Big Gay Splash into the corner misses. He wobbles around like a retard. But Gunn ducks Scotty's bulldog and nails the Fameasser! 1, 2, 3. Do the Panty Pals EVER lose?
The world premiere of Rob Zombie's "Never Gonna Stop" video is tonight. I'm just bursting at the seams.
Commercials. Booker eats the white man's pasta. That gross "I'm a private wrestler" thing again. At least it's not the one about furries. GOOD LORD, I never want to see that commercial again. I've said all I can about the Globetrotters Burger King spot, so let's never speak of it again. Final Fantasy X is gorgeous and grand!!! That's grand with a big Gandalf G. I really don't know how fat guys at the beach correlate with Capri Sun. Final Fantasy X is so gorgeous and grand that we're going to tell you it's gorgeous and grand one more time! Here's an ad for MTV's Diary, in which Incubus makes the worst and most immature jokes I've ever heard.
Michael Cole says the year 2001 in the WWF was spicy and hot, just like Slim Jims! But was it gorgeous and grand? So here is an awful, awful video package about all the stupid shit that happened last year. It runs for 10 minutes, I swear to god. The first category is Singing, so here's everybody's awful singing. Now Romance, so here's a lot of clips from the fucking gross period when Trish was sexing Mr. McMahon. Next is Betrayal, which is just a bunch of random crap. Vince/Linda, Perry/Moppy, Matt/Lita. Revenge mostly features Vince and Linda. Let's play the guessing game. Q: How many of these clips feature Vince? (A: ALL OF THEM) Toilet Humor now. Regal pees the green mist. Wacky music accompanies Jericho's tea urination. This sucks so much. At least they show Angle in his cowboy hat.
Commercials. Please watch RAW tomorrow. It's got BOSSMAN!!! And Triple H, I guess. The second version of this Final Fantasy X commercial is good and all, but I'm left wondering: IS IT GORGEOUS AND GRAND? Is that dude Cid? He looks like a total pimp.
The Slim Jim Snap of the Night is Jazz defeating Mighty Molly on Smackdown. Now here's a split-second shot of the Big Show vs. Undertaker graphic because the production crew sucks. Cole and Tazz tell us that Triple H is coming back tomorrow night. OH MY GOD I WAS UNAWARES.
They play the entire HHH promo because the WWF obviously hates me. It's a Beaaauuutiful Gaaaay. CIRCLE THAT QUADRICEP, JOHN MADDEN! NOW CIRCLE IT AGAIN! "Touch me! Take me to that 'other place'!" What is the significance of that lyric? Bono is a fucking creeper. I wish they had used U2's football song for this promo. That would have ruled. Then Paul Hewson could accompany Triple H when he returns. I love Paul Hewson so much. Cole, on Triple H: "Will he still have that hunger burning inside?" NO, MICHAEL, HE ATE AT DENNY'S! ROOFLES!
Commercials. Private Wrestler thing again. Look, Stephanie McMahon is videotaping it! Haha, it's not really her. Black Hawk Down was Roger Ebert's pick for the second best movie of the year. What a big fat dork. Final Fantasy commercial breakdown: 2 Gorgeous and Grand, 2 non-Gorgeous and non-Grand. Oh man, a Sportscenter commercial. I love ESPN. I especially like it when the big whiteys talk some sass. REGALATIN'! HE'S REGALATIN'! Maxx Painty Bullet Time. If I ever become a wrestler, my entire gimmick will be based on the fact that I loathe the phrase "bullet time". I'll be like Elix Skipper, only more full of hatred. Some Doritos commercial features a fancyman and a guy with a pipe for a leg. Just awful. There's a new season of The Real World. Can you identify the obligatory homo? Sure you can.
This Royal Rumble Replay is Gorgeous and Grand! Wait, no it's not. It's Drew Carey appearing in last year's Rumble.
Here's Terri wearing a hideous tawny shirt strung with what are possibly rabbits' feet. She's addressing the crowd. This is so, so painful for The Next Mideon. Here, I'll transcribe the whole thing so you have to suffer the complete randomness along with me.
"Hi! Hel-lo! How is my New York? Hey bay-bee! You know, I have something to say. I'm here in The Big Apple, and I have a message for my big sister. Amala, (????? Pronounced A-Muh-Luh, your guess is as good as mine) it's your birthday, baby. Happy birthday, and two things for you. Number one, breathe. *breathes* Number two, I am living large. And you know, speaking of large, here I am in The Big Apple, large, family, Big Apppllle..." I guess that was supposed to be a sexual innuendo, because Cole nervously cuts her off to congratulate her on hosting Excess.
"Thank you, Michael Cole. You like that... You know, Tazz has been a guest of mine, but I want to know have you watched me Michael Cole? Have you watched me being excessively sexy? Have you watched me being excessively intelligent? Have you watched me being excessively hot? Yeah? I'm happy to hear that. You know, I'm having such a blast doing Excess and, uh, does anyone know my predecessor, um, I think her name is T-T-Trish? Or something like that, she's like the world champion now, World Wrestling Federation Women's Champion. Does anyone know her?" Crowd: *INDIFFERENCE* "I didn't think so. So anyway, I'm thinking that I pretty much do everything better than her. Like, I have, um, better legs than her, and, um, I have, uh, I think I actually, I think I spent more money on my boob job than she did. I think I did. You think I did? I think I pretty much do everything better than her, so, um..." Cole interrupts to say that Trish will host RAW from WWF New York tomorrow.
I'm tired of transcribing. Terri says that Trish followed in her footsteps and copied her. Tazz tells her to come to Red Hook because the boys would "feel her". Terri runs through a list of all New York's shitty buroughs in which all the boys love her. "You know who else loves me? Uh, my good friend Rob Zombie. And Rob Zombie has a brand new video and tonight it's debuting. I can't think of anyone better to debut his video than me. So here it is, Never Gonna Stop, Rob Zombie, premiere video, and who else - wait! - Never Gonna Stop, I'm never gonna stop being better than Trish Stratus." WHAT A SEGUE, TERRI! Tazz: "NEVER GONNA STOP BLAAAAAAAHHH" HAHAHAH, you rule, Tazz.
Here's the video. I guess it's supposed to be like A Clockwork Orange, but since I've watched maybe 4 movies in my lifetime I can't be certain. It has naked mannequins. Footage of Edge is clipped in, so I doubt this is the actual video. Jesus Rob, can you film one video without the "DRIVIN' MAH CAR" sequence? I guess I've only seen two of his videos, but they both had DRIVIN' MAH CAR. I think the last one was based entirely around it, in fact. DIG THROUGH THE BRITCHES AND BURN THROUGH THE SNEETCHES AND SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING IN MAH HAAAAAIIIIID. Whoops, it ended.
Commercials. That oxygen-stealing queer is back to steal more oxygen. Here's ONE MILLION ads for Orange County. You know, I never saw that awesome Spongebob/Jack Black commercial again. Well, I saw it a couple times, but MTV had corrupted it so that he was watching MTV. Then it segued into some shitty Offspring video. Slim-Fast tries to trick me into losing weight. AS IF.
Gorgeous and Grand: Panty Pal Palumbo v. Albert
Heh, Tazz chopped Cole. Michael: "That was like a DEFRIBULATOR or whatever they call those things when you hit me there." Tazz: "A DEFLIBLI... What the hell is that?" Albert rushes Palumbo and it's on like Donkey Kong. Cole: "Didn't Palumbo used to be a brunette?" Tazz: "*incessant giggling* That was a good one. *incessant giggling*"
Albert levels Chuck with a back elbow, then catapults his throat across the second rope. OH GOD, Albert just danced the effeminate disco dance. He slams Chuck's head into the turnbuckle, but Palumbo sneaks in a crotch kick. Albert's shoulder is slammed into the ringpost. Now Chuck is driving his own shoulder into Albert's injured one. Discus punch drops Albert for a count of one. Chuck's corner charge is blocked by an elbow. Clothesline ducked, Albert lands some dancin' punches and a dancin' avalanche. Headbutt. Gorilla press into a slam!
Albert measures Palumbo for a corner avalanche, but Chuck pulls the referee in front of him. Whilst shenanigans are occurring, Billy Gunn runs in to give Albert the WORST COBRA CLUTCH SLAM EVER. Hahaha. Lordy. Billy hides below the apron while Chuck covers for three. The first rule of Sunday Night Heat is THE PANTY PALS NEVER LOSE. Post-match, Scotty runs in to clean house. SOUPREKICK! Albert avalanches Palumbo. Bulldog! Tazz: "Palumbo loves worms!" W-Y-R-M, floppy floppy, hoo, hoo, hoo, NOOOOOO Billy pulls Chuck out of harm's way. Scotty looks totally insane.
Commercials. FINAL FANTASY X IS GORGEOUS AND GRAND! 3 G & G's, to 2 non-G & G's. Hooray! Eva Savealot is so stupid.
The WWF Slam of the Week is brought to us by Final Fantasy X which is Gorgeous and Grand. It's some Rock/Booker/Austin/Bossman crap from Smackdown.
European Title
Crash prances about jauntily. Lockup, armwringer by Christian. Crash reverses, takes it to a hammerlock, then a side headlock. Whip, and Crash gets the better of a shoulderblock. Christian with the SHOVE, so Crash fires away with forearms. Back bodydrop to the floor! Christian smacks his face on the apron when Crash slides between his legs and pulls his feet out from under him. Baseball slide by Crash. Back inside, he gets two with a cradle.
Christian comes back by hotshotting Crash on the ropes. Shoulder to the ringpost. Christian twists the arm and yanks on it, but Crash fights out to land a hiptoss. Elbowdrop misses, and Christian's still in command. Hammerlock on the mat. Crash elbows free and gets a two-count with a forward roll. Armbar takedown by Christian for two. Crash fights back with punches and a jawbreaker. Inverted atomic drop! Dropkick!
Crash comes off the top with a big crossbody. 1, 2, NO! Kneelift from Christian, and he's going for the inverted DDT/backbreaker thing. Crash fights out of it. He goes up top, only to get crotched. Christian's superplex is blocked. Crash with a front suplex of his own! Tornado DDT! 1, 2, NO!!! Christian flips out of a back suplex attempt and promptly buries Crash with the Unprettier. 1, 2, 3.
RAW's in the Garden tomorrow. THE GAHHHHDEN.
Final thoughts: IIIIIII WANT CAAAN-CER. I wanted to see Ron "H20MAN" Waterman like Hooker reported in his newsbeak. I guess he didn't make the TV cut. Sadness. Now I have to go link this in two different places. THANKS A LOT, SOUP!!!
Squash Match: CHRISTIAAAAAN v. CRASH LIEKS TEH MOOVEES