Aired December 30, 2001
Rebeaker: TNM
WHAT'S UR LEVEL OF COMMITMENT? We are LIVE from WWf New York in the heart of Times Square for an almost-New Year's edition of Sunday Night Heat. Tazz is outside on the streetz, looking up at where the New Year's ball will be. Michael Cole nags him to come back to host the show, but Tazz wants to stay there and check out the ball or something. He eventually agrees to do the show. WHIPPED. Tazz says he's going to choke Dick Clark out. Tazz, plzz.
The Heat set is bedecked with a bunch of New Year's decorations. Cole throws his pen. OH, THE CRAZINESS! Rhyno is tonight's guest host.
Hungry, hungry homos: TEH HOPSCOTCH HIPPO v. Panty Power
I can't believe that they're seriously using "Hip Hop Hippo" and "The Zoo Crew" as their nicknames. Albert is not accompanied by Scotty, but Billy is accompanied by Chuck. Albert cabbagepatches on the second rope. WE HAVE HEADBANDS! In a span of 20 seconds, Tazz manages to say "So cold out there my nipple fell off!", "This guy just goosed me on my butt!", and "Hold on a second, I gotta get my box right". The second comment referred to some stagehand sneaking around who was apparently trying to attach binoculars or a timebomb or something to Tazz's ass.
Albert has a merry old time making fun of Chuck's headband. Billy hung his own headband over the ringpost. Lockup. The two competitors move into the corner and fondle each other. Shove! Shove back! Albert's seemed a bit more effective. He ducks a clothesline and lays in the right hands. Big avalanche as Gunn comes off the ropes. Billy rolls outside to have Palumbo inspect his injures, but Albert knocks their noggins together. Back inside, Albert cabbagepatches and garrotes Billy on the second rope with a catapult. Now he dances a little softshoe.
Ear clap! Gunn avoids a corner avalanche and lands a neckbreaker. Two count. Billy with elbow shots and a choke on the ropes. He distracts the ref so Palumbo can get in some licks. That was a poor choice of words on my part. Albert fights back, but Billy stops him with a swinging neckbreaker. Another avalanche attempt which Gunn blocks with a back elbow. LIU KANG BICYCLE KICK! Now they're both down. Does Billy have a Green Lantern tattoo on his ring finger? Albert finally connects with his stupid avalanche in the corner. He does a gay dance as he punches away. More cabbagepatching. Albert raises the roof, then presses Billy into a sitout slam!
Palumbo prevents the ref from counting. Billy's back up and wanting the Fameasser, but Albert blocks his kick. Giant swing! Albert's dizzy, but he's ready for the Baldo Bomb. Chuck on the apron, gets decked, but provides enough distraction for Gunn to nail the Fameasser. 1, 2, 3. The inexplicable winning streak continues. Post-match, the Panty Pals drop Albert with a double DDT.
Commercials. The Globetrotters aren't going to make me buy your sandwich, Burger King. Sorry. Barbecue sauce is not supposed to be yellow, anyway. BLACK HAWK DOWN is a Jerry Bruckheimer production, so you just know that there's got to be a jive-talking Somalian in there somewhere. IT'S NOT HALLIE EISENBERG OR HALLE BERRY, IT'S BARRY BOSTWICK!!! I like Barry Bostwick better than the other two.
As the announcers run through Heat's sponsors, Cole is blowing a shrill noisemaker NON-STOP. SHUT UP, COLE. Tazz: "Stop! I hate that thing, stop!" Our wacky pair talk about what a good year Edge has had for some reason. Tazz: "Got White Zombie music!" No, Tazz. No.
Okay, so here's a video package about Edge. He says that he'll have various Rob Zombie themes for all of his career. You fucking liar.
Tazz blows a comically oversized noisemaker right in Cole's face and OH GOD, it sounds JUST LIKE a Ringwraith shrieking. Jesus, my head.
Backstage, Mighty Molly is conversing with some ugly kid. "And that's why we don't run with scissors. Now be off, my young friend!" Uh oh, here comes Test, The Bumbling Rapist. "Yeah, beat it you little punk! Can you believe that kid? Runnin' around with scissors? What's that all about?" Test hits on her unsuccessfully. "I really liked the way you, uh, handled that situation. Maybe you'd like to, uh, handle somethin' else?" GROSS AS. "Maybe it's time you upgrade from a superhero... to a SUPERSTUD." WHOOSH it's The Hurricane. "By my Hurricount, you've been rejected more times than Dr. Octopus has arms. WHAZZUPWITDAT???" They're going to wrestle later. WHOOSH THERE THEY GO.
Commercials. THE FREQUENCY WORMS! *bip boop* I don't hate them anymore. Ad for some tacky local store called "Flower Island". I bet that's where Chuck and Billy hail from. Commercial for Lita's "It Just Feels Right" on PPV manages to be really creepy somehow.
The announcers talk about The Undertaker beating up Team X-Treme. He's going to wrestle The Big Show on Smackdown. ARE U SCARED?
The fuck?: The Brooklyn Brawler v. The Big Show
They couldn't find anybody other than Lombardi for Show to squash? The Brawler is wearing a Yankees shirt with a bunch of holes. "NEW YORK" is written on the back in what appears to be chalk. With the current mindset that all New Yorkers are heroes by default, I'm glad that the WWF is not afraid to accurately portray them as assholes. Brawler attacks from behind but gets elbowed down. Headbutt, and he rolls outside. Show drapes him across the apron and strikes with an elbow.
The Brawler crotches Show on the ropes as he's stepping back in. He kicks Show and chops him a couple times. But The Big Show EXPLODES forward with a clothesline. Corner-charge clothesline. STRAPS = DOWN. Choke, chokeslam, three count. I WAS THOROUGHLY UNIMPRESSED WITH THE BIG SHOW BEFORE, BUT THIS MATCH HAS MADE A BELIEVER OF ME!!!
Commercials. True Life: I'm a "Private Wrestler"? Fucking gross. A bunch of moderately unattractive women rolling around in bikinis. That one's wearing bunny ears. I don't care how well you guys dribble, I'm not buying the damn sandwich. Halo ad. Generic commercial for some rapper's album. Nas, I guess. This MESSAGE FROM AMERICA features moronic teenagers sending their thoughts to the soldiers. Obviously the worst idea ever. "U.S.A. c'mon 'n RAISE UP!" God. Can I be Canadian? Plz? Snoop Dogg falls into somebody's cubicle. These XM satellite radio commercials still make no sense.
The WWF Slam of the Week is brought to us by Final Fantasy XXX. It's Bossman and Booker defeating Austin on Smackdown.
Here's Rhyno approaching the big gay motherfucking faggot-ass couch. Wherever Sofa is, he will be thrilled to know that Rhyno is wearing an Edd hat. Seriously, black ski cap with the white stripes and everything. This is really awkward, because the WWF New York crowd couldn't care less about Rhyno. They talk about his injury. Rhyno says he has 8 screws and a steel plate in his neck. Everybody rips off Hardcore Holly. Rhyno mentions all that he's accomplished in the year. Some moron: "GOLDBERG!" Rhyno's favorite match of 2001 was his Backlash match with Raven. His New Year's resolution is "Be more intense". Okay.
Commercials. Triple H is coming back January 7. I really do not like him. THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS is on video. I hate cars. I wish we would all ride yaks or ostriches or something. Peyton2Marvin. I bet they would have picked a different football team for this commercial if they knew the Colts would suck so many ducks. The dude from System of a Down looks just like a thin Mick Foley. Black Hawk Down again. I hope Ewan McGregor beats down some Somalians with his lightsaber. MAXX PAINTY: TWISTY THUGS AND GRITTY BOWELS. God, don't say "bullet time". Please. Plz.
Royal Rumble is presented by Final Fantasy X, Kid Rock, blarg blarg. Here's another interview from Chris Jericho's island retreat. He kisses the WWF title and blathers for awhile. It's really, really windy, and Jericho's hair is doing creepy things as a result. It doesn't get good until he starts flicking the opponents he's beaten off his hands. "Stone Cold Steve Austin, BLINK! The Rock, BLOONK! RVD, BLINK! Kurt Angle, BLOOP! Funaki, BLINK, BLINK, BLOONK, BLOOP! Who's left for me to beat, I dare ya, anybody? How 'bout that little kid from Tough Enough with the big eyebrows? Haven't beaten him yet." SHUT UP, YOU. He kisses his belts some more.
Random match: Crash Holly and Sho Knows Foosball v. NAPA auto parts
Crash and Funaki appear to not be getting along. Cole says "BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES". Crash has a mic? "Is this some kinda sick joke? My god, what were they thinkin' today, who booked this match? This is crazy!" He continues like that for awhile, then says "Guys, let's face it, you're both gonna get your asses beat!" See, it was a joke, son. Crash thinks the Acolytes should go get some other guys to even up the odds. He and Funaki charge, only to get their asses beat. Bradshaw grabs Sho in the crossbody position, boots Crash, then completes the fallaway slam.
Bradshaw's going for a powerbomb on Funaki, but Crash drops him with a missile dropkick! Shoulderblock and both jobbers go down. Faarooq's in with Funaki now. No, Funaki's afraid and tags Crash. No, Crash is afraid and tags Funaki. Funaki tags Crash. Crash tags Funaki. Funaki tags Crash. Okay, you beat it to death now, guys. Funaki now leaps off the apron so he can't be tagged. Crash gets the jump on Faarooq during all the craziness. He clips the knee. Front dropkick by Funaki! They stomp away, but Faarooq turns the tide with a big spinebuster for Crash. He tries to make Crash's limp arm tag Funaki. Heh.
Tag to Bradshaw. Double shoulderblock. LONG hanging vertical suplex. Here's Faarooq again, unloading with punches. Powerslam but Funaki breaks the count. They try a doubleteam, but Bradshaw pulls Funaki down and Crash eats the Dominator! That's what it's called, right? It's been like a year since he used it, and the announcers sure won't call it. Crash gets pinned. Test vs. The Hurricane is next. Look at that graphic with the little Chiclets flying all over.
Commercials. The Best of the WWF 2001 Viewers' Choice is on tomorrow night. I'd rebeak it, but... I'd prefer not to. "Private Wrestler" thing again. Ugh. Fucking Burger King commercial. "She Kicks High" perverts. The guy on the left sort of looks like me. A sad state of affairs.
The WWF Snap of the Night is presented by Slim Jim. It's Trish beating Molly on Smackdown, then getting punked by Jazz. WOW, JAZZ IS BACK??? I DON'T CARE AT ALL! I bet 98% of the crowd thought it was Jackie.
Cole is shaking one of those rattly noisemakers, and the top part apparently flies off to hit him in the head. Tazz has a good laugh. "What an idiot! You looked stupid on TV!"
I'm cold: Testrogen v. The HURRRRicane (w/ Mighty Molly)
"TEFLON TEST" is uttered. Test bullies the ref again. He then lifts up Molly's cape to get a peek. JUNK IN THE TRUNK! Molly takes offense, so The Hurricane attacks. He blocks Test's corner charge and lands the top-rope crossbody. Test grabs Helms' attempt at a big boot and spins him around into a HARD full-nelson slam! He shows Molly his ass, I guess. Weak Molly chant fires up. Wow.
The Hurricane is being pummelled in the corner. Cole says Tim White "coldcocked Test", so I assume his definition of "coldcock" is "to deliver the sissiest punch ever". Hurricane is whipped to the corner and Test followed with a clothesline. Vertical suplex. Clothesline ducked, but a kneelift stops The Hurricane's momentum. Scoop slam. Nobody's home for the elbow drop, however. Flying forearm puts Test down!
Hurricane's crossbody is caught. Test tries to take him up for a press slam, but Helms slips out and gets two with a roll-up. Test with a tilt-a-whirl slam, also gets two. Molly climbs up top, but Test knocks her down. He's looking to give her the big boot. No, he turns and gives it to The Hurricane! The ref is preoccupied with Molly, so here comes Rikishi in a giant red outfit that the Panty Patrol must have made for him. SUPPERKICK! He drags The Hurricane on top of Test... 1, 2, 3!!! Oh, it was "Rikishi Wear".
Tazz puts a little tophat on his head, then on Cole's head. Hype for the 2001 Viewers' Choice, and we're out.
Final thoughts: Buckleberry Ferry.