Pre-Heat: Yeah, I'm still here. I'm like that wacky weekend DJ that nobody likes.

Heat opening.

The Locals Call My Penis "Big Ben", If You'll Remember v. El Presidente!

Whoa, weird announce team. Coach and Todd? That's like pairing Michael Cole with Evil Mooing Velocity Michael Cole. Snow must have been busy visiting the Albert Memorial. Maybe he's got Tough Enough duties to attend to? The Babaganoush Family will be crushed. Mr. Richards' nickname is another of Regal's delightful titles. This is a dream match. If Shelton faces Chuck Palumbo next week, I'll have nothing left to look forward to.

Stevie and Coach have their issues, as always. "Don't point at me! He needs to understand, I'm still employed!" BREAKING NEWS! Coach: "And, by the way, welcome to full-time duty here on Sunday Night Heat." Todd: "That's right, it's Todd Grisham and The Coach from here on out on Sunday Night Heat!" Welcome to The Show, rook. Al has indeed been "reassigned". I prefer Todd, so it's all good. Lockup, waistlock by Shelton, Stevie breaks and gets an armbar. Quickly reversed. Benjamin's crankin' it in, but the boss somersaults(!) to reverse it right back. Shelton shoves him down and regains the armbar superiority. Stevie eventually reaches the ropes to break. He charges as referee Mike Chioda backs Shelton off, only to get caught with a really awful armdrag. Back to the armbar.

Coach voices his opinions on English women. "Well, they have what we like to call 'butter faces' or 'summer teeth'. Heh! Everything is good but her face, and some her teeth, some are here, some are there, it was ridiculous!" Meanwhile, Stevie hooks the bottom rope with his feet to break that endless armbar. Richards doesn't appreciate being treated in such a manner on his own show. Shove! And here's a big right hand, which Benjamin blocks. Fireman's carry takedown, after which Shelton just fucking pounds him in the head. Stevie attempts to crawl to safety, but Shelton drags him back in by the foot. Gotta switch feet because Stevie apparently can't throw a southpaw enzuigiri. But there it is with the right. Todd: "I guess you could call it an 'Enzui-stevie', how about that one?" Coach: "That's one of the dumbest things I've ever heard."

Stevie's pissed. Stomps to the head. Reverse neckbreaker! Celebrate! Elbow to the head, cover for only one. Richards uses his leg to choke Shelton on the middle rope. Off the opposite ropes, diving front dropkick! More posin'. Shelton answers it with a punch, but Richards decks him. Rear naked choke with bodyscissors. Shelton fights it. A jawbreaker allows him to escape, but Richards clubs the back. Unnecessarily Celebratory Vertical Suplex??? NO, Shelton flips directly behind into a reverse neckbreaker! Sweet. Both men down. Stevie's up first, but his widdle head hurts. Benjamin's Sting offense is in full effect. It concludes with a stupid dance and a forearm to the head. Clothesline. Whip, back elbow. Russian legsweep, 1, 2, no.

Richards staggers into the corner... Shelton Splash would have missed, so Benjamin instead leaps to the top rope! Damn. Flying clothesline! This time Stevie's properly dazed... Shelton Splash to the back! Exploder powerslam! 1, 2, 3. Now Stevie's never going to get the votes he needs for Taboo Tuesday. Because he was clearly the IC title frontrunner before this match began.

Whoa, they actually SHOW Todd and Coach! Grisham broke his finest suit out of mothballs to impress the boss. You know, that unconscious guy right there in the ring.

Molly Holly and Gail Kim face Nidia and Victoria later.

Commercials. Matthew Broderick's going to sex that bitch from Empty Nest.

Kane/Lita/Snitsky junk. And Val Venis is the scapegoat. I can live with that. Kane sure beats up The Hurricane a lot. Observe as Val is stretchered off to Weenie Hut General.

Commercials. I'd donate my extra kidney to John Cena, but I already gave it to Alonzo Mourning.

The Day of Reckoning Rewing is Jericho getting Bananabombed for whatever reason.

Mr. BADwrench OH HO HO v. My Other Car Is A Rickshaw

Rickshaws are, what, Chinese? Eh, Tajiri's used to it. Chuck's got one of those Buh Buh Ray Dudley hispanic gangbanger bandanas. This match came about because Chuck blatantly overcharged Tajiri after fixing the brakes on his Toyota. I would imagine.

Lockup, Chuck picks Tajiri up and plows him into the corner. Big scoop, but Tajiri slips behind. Chuck gets kicked RIGHT in the ass. He grabs his back, but he would be WRONG. A series of fists and kicks has Palumbo wobblin'. Off the ropes, clothesline ducked, tilt-a-whirl headscissors! More kicks in the corner. Turnbuckle whip reversed, but Chuck charges into the Tarantula already! That looks really entertaining for some reason, with tiny Tajiri trying to grab Chuck's ugly Converse shoes. Clapping for the IMPTHOKK already??? Don't even tell me you're goin' out like that, Chuck. Inexplicably More Powerful That His Other Kicks Kick is ducked! Palumbo catches a second kick and pulls Tajiri into a clothesline.

Palumbo struts. Tajiri is driven into the corner again. Shoulder charge to the gut. Short-arm clothesline. Tajiri is measured for stomps, but he fires back with kicks. The discus punch puts a stop to that. Snapmare, spine kick, rib kick! 1, 2, no. Tajiri isn't the only one whose feet received a proper education. Coach, on Snitsky: "The brother is ugly!" Chuck tears at Tajiri's faceholes a lot. Here's a side bearhug or whatever I'm supposed to call that. Tajiri's all spindly elbows and knees, but Chuck jacks him. Jacks him up to get a look at the undercarriage. Whip, head down too soon, and Chuck eats a boot. Tajiri hits the ropes for a crossbody. 1, 2, no. And Chuck murders him with another clothesline. Two count.

Coach's overconfidence in Chuck leads me to believe that he will not be the victor. Stompdown. Here's the hold again. I guess it's more Cobra Clutchy than anything else. Again Tajiri breaks free, and again Chuck pounds him. Corner whip, but Palumbo charges into both feet. Spinning heel kick! Looked kinda glancing. This match is far more awful than I expected. Chuck trades punches for kicks and loses. Japanese whip reversed to a Rhode Island whip. Handspring elbow! Tajiri hops into that bodyscissors position and bulldogs Chuck down. 1, 2, no. Palumbo strikes back with a kneelift. Suplex attempt, but Tajiri goes behind. Chuck knocks him cold with the Best Right Hand In The Auto Repair Business! To COMPLETE silence. Crowd, announcers, everybody. Slow cover, 1, 2, NO?! This match is weird on several different levels. Also: shitty.

Charles prods Tajiri as he's trying to regain his footing. Corner whip, Tajiri slings up, but Palumbo catches him over the shoulder. Powerslam coming up, but Tajiri wiggles free. Mafia kick dodged, thrust kick to the face! 1, 2, 3. Whatever, dawgs. Todd: "Looked like Shawn Michaels' Sweet Chin Music!" Sweet Chink Music. Because Tajiri is from the wrong country.

Boy, this show looked good on paper. On paper, Mario. But, in practice, everything is kinda bleh. Practice. We talkin' bout practice.

Commercials. I guess I'll start mailing it in. Just like the Princess. She's in another castle. England has millions of them.

Let's make sure I have to look at that guy's hideous teeth three times. Thanks.

Here's that whole fucking Taboo Tuesday commercial again.

Straight into actual commercials. Don't bother me.

Time to watch some of RAW's main event. The aftermath ensues. As aftermaths have been known to do. HBK vs. Benoit vs. Edge on RAW.

Commercials. No.

The Saw Slam of the Week features all the Diva run-ins from Monday night.

Marcy 2 D'Arcy and Mmmm, English Terrier v. Carlito's Two Mommies

The apple didn't fall far from the tree. Without racism, there'd be no wacky nicknames to speak of. Not that I encourage you to speak of them. Victoria's music inspires a really awful impromptu dance party that cheers me up a bit. BREAK IT DOWN, GURRRLS!!! And now Victoria and Nidia are freakdancing together. Coach: "Shut up! Shut up!" "I've had dreams like this!" We must have strayed into the mirror universe without me noticing. Lot of lesbianism over there. We're through the looking glass here, people.

It's going to take a Widow's Peak, AT LEAST, to prevent this show from being a colossal disappointment. Flower starts with Molly. Lockup, Victoria gets clubbered down. Corner whip, but she slings over Molly's charge. Holly takes a pair of Japanese armdrags. I think. Scoop slam, awwww, Shaky-Shaky Moonsault! 1, 2, no. Molly rakes the eyes and tags out. Gail immediately charges into a powerslam. Nice job. Victoria's cover gets only one. In comes Nidia. Double whip, double hiptoss, DOUBLE TOO COOL WIGGLYARM ELBOWDROP WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON??? Nidia covers for two. I can't say I approve of any of this. Pretty soon they'll be calling for Stephanie to back that thang up.

Forearm, chop, kick from Nidia. Bridging northern lights suplex! That's her only move, Tony! 1, 2, no! Gail pops back up into a kick. Bridging northern lights suplex again! That's still her only move, Tony! This time referee Chad Patten is distracted by Victoria's attempt to gain forcible entry into the ring, so Molly breaks the pin with a kick. Coach subtly points out that Nidia and Victoria are big dykes who "practice their symmetry outside of the ring." Todd: "You know, we need to practice some sort of routine!" Coach: "Why don't you shut up?" Todd: "Maybe we can do a little robot dance."

Gail takes control with a spine kick. Tag to Holly for an axhehandle to the back. Elbowdrops now. 1, 2, no. Choked on the middle rope. Nidia's translucent belt is hangin' loose. It's invisible. She fights back with shots to the ribs, but Molly beats her down. Kim returns for some doubleteam kicking in the corner. Molly yanks Nidia out of the corner with the mini-powerbomb onto Gail's knee. Neat. Kim employs a hotshot on the middle rope, sorta. Stomps. Hairpull snapmare, knee to the spine. Exchange to Molly for another axehandle. Rear facelock.

Victoria starts jumpin' around as the crowd rallies behind Nidia. Elbows break the chinlock. Now Nidia's full of spastic offense. Chops aplenty, but Holly kicks her. Backbreaker across the knee! SLAP! Stomping the fingers. Molly rules. The crowd's rudeness distracts her from her suplex attempt, allowing Nidia a small package. 1, 2, no. Holly just clotheslines her back down. "Who sucks now, huh?" Is it X-Pac? It's X-Pac, right? He must have gone over there to play Where's Waltman(?). In Suckingham Palace.

Holly yanks at Nidia's mouth from the camel clutch position. More of the same. Clubbing blow for Nidia and a sledge for Victoria that knocks her off the apron. The ref is forced to restrain her, allowing the heels to apply some boots. Nidia's whipped into the corner. Gail subdues her, only to be hit by the Mollypop when Nidia evades! She needs a Scott "Too Hot" tag, but Molly grabs her foot. Booted away! Tag to Victoria! Gail rushes into the first haymaker and gets fucking drilled. Plenty more where that came from. Clotheslines for everybody. Corner whip, firewoman's carry, Spiderweb! 1, 2, Molly makes the save. Nidia spears her! Flower blocks Gail's clothesline, spins around to the backslide position, and PICKS HER UP crucifix powerbomb style... WIDOW'S PEAK!!! Okay, that was awesome. 1, 2, 3. She ain't the lezbo to mess with. Stevie is way more attractive than Nidia, I must say. Ah well. More sexy men for me.

Final Thoughts: The fellas stunk it up, but the ladies picked up the slack. Despite acting far too much like Grandmaster Sexay. A woman's work is never done.