Aired December 23, 2001
Rebeaker: TNM
WHAT'S THE BOMBADILLY, YO? I seriously can't believe I just typed that. Michael "NOT IMMUNE" Cole and "*penguin noise*" Tazz are LIVE from WWF New York for another episode of Sunday Night Heat. GET READY FO' THE NEXT EPI-SOO-OOODE.
Awesome: The Hurricane (w/ Mighty Molly) v. Evildoer Crash Holly
The Heat set is bedecked with ugly Christmas decorations, and Tazz bitches about it. I didn't know Molly was hired again. That rules. POSE! Here comes Crash. Last night on Jakked, he was hopping around the ring like a frog. I fucking swear to god. Whenever he talks about someone being close to winning a title, Cole says "came within a whisper". He did it three times last week, too. I hate it. At least say "hair's breadth". People need to say "breadth" more.
Lockup, kneelift by Crash. Forearm shots across the back. Whip and a back elbow. While Crash leans outside the ring to take a swipe at Molly, Hurricane capitalizes with a leaping neckbreaker. Actually, he botched it horribly. I mean really bad. Hiptoss by the suparhero. Choke, THUMBS UP, but Crash elbows out of the chokeslam attempt. NICE souparherokick. It gets two. A rake of the eyes turns things around for Crash. Clothesline. Crowd chants something unintelligible. "Asshole", maybe.
Cole calls Molly a superheroine. Tazz: "HEROIN???" Uh oh, Crash has swiped the Hurricane's cape. He poses! The cape is donned, and up top goes Crash. But Helms bounces off the ropes to crotch him. He tosses Crash outside. Hurricane flips over the top rope with a senton! Sweet ass. I think it was a senton, at least. I know "senton", "tope", and "plancha", and I use them all interchangeably.
Crash is rolled back inside while Hurricane's move gets the Final Fantasy XXX double feature. Cole: "Hurricane makin' like a reindeer!" Michael, plz. Helms nails a big crossbody from the top for two. He tries a Buff Blockbuster-esque neckbreaker from the second rope. I think it was botched again, but the camera angle was a bit friendlier. LONG two count. Tazz still thinks it's funny to go WHOO when Ric Flair is mentioned. Shit, Helms is going for the VERTEBRAEKER??? NO, Crash flips out of it and DDTs him. I would have marked the fuck out if he landed the Vertebraeker.
Holly charges the corner and ends up leaping retardedly into the turnbuckles. Still, he recovers, hotshotting Helms on the top rope. Molly's climbing the ropes! Missile dropkick on her cousin! Crash stumbles back into the EYE OF THE HURRICANE! 1, 2, 3.
Tazz and Cole are wearing tiny, incredibly gay headsets. The Dudleyz will take on Spike and Tajiri later, in addition to RVD vs. Christian.
Commercials. I wonder if Booker T still likes the Big Beefaroni after his grocery store incident. A creepy amalgam of Ahmet Zappa and Joe from "Newsradio" tries to sell some razors. The Harlem Globetrotters spin hamburgers on their fingers for Burger King "HURRR, IT REALLY WAS THE TRUCK, HURR HURR." I HATE this commercial and I am SICK of seeing it. Here's the shitty ad for the "Legends of Wrestling" video game. You can be the One Man Gang!!! MAXX PAINTY is now available for the XBOX and PS2. But not the Gamecube, because Nintendo is comprised of a bunch of pussies.
RUMBLE, YOUNG MAN, RUMBLE: Panty Pirates v. Zoobilee Zoo
OH DEAR SWEET GOD Gunn and Palumbo both dyed their hair platinum blonde!! HAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAAHAHAHH AHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA HAHAHHHAHAHAHHAH HAHAHAAAHAA!!!
Heh. Just when you thought it couldn't get any gayer. Scotty 2 Hotty also appears to have an awful new haircut. Hey, he used to also be in a homosexual tag team. Maybe he could hook up with Chuck and Billy. Albert and Gunn lock it up. Gunn gets muscled into the corner, but reverses positions. He fakes a clean break before pounding on Albert. Cole tries to be Mistar Smarty by saying that Matt Hardy is recovering from "an injured larynx", but he mispronounces it. Albert takes Gunn down with a clothesline, then applies the giant swing for like 10 seconds. He dances a gay cowboy dance. Billy pratfalls retardedly before tagging out. Scotty in as well.
Punching, stupid dancing, more punching. Belly to belly suplex by Palumbo. He throws Scotty outside, where Gunn works him over. Billy tagged in, doubleteaming away. Clotheslines Scotty down. While referee Jim Korderas restrains Albert, the heels put the boots to Scotty. He tries to fight back, but Gunn drops him with a hard kneelift. Palumbo back in. He awkwardly catches Scotty's foot on the superkick attempt, but eats a DDT anyway. Chuck tried to sell it in retarded "stand straight up on your head" fashion, but only Val Venis and RVD can pull that off, dawg.
Albert's screaming for the tag. He puts on Scotty's visor for some reason, and now he's in. Clothesline, clothesline, punch, punch, horrible dance, punch, punch! Avalanche for Gunn! Scotty tags in, but Gunn blocks the bulldog with a back elbow. HUGE bicycle kick by Albert! He ducks Palumbo's clothesline, so Chuck decides to go flying over the top rope. Albert follows, and the two roll around pointlessly for awhile. Scotty wants the WYRM on Billy. W-Y-R-M, Palumbo catches his foot. Fameasser! Three count for the Panty Pals. They HUG! AWWW!
Commercials. Run from Run DMC stole JR's hat. That fucking bastard is going to military school again because the truck destroyed his house. HATE. Legends of Wrestling again. Hogan's pythons sure are wrinkly. Gary Sinise is in some really, really bad movie. AAAAAAH GOLDEN SUN NOOO.
Oh yeah, Al Snow is this week's guest host. I forgot to tell you. He comes out as whatever song is the theme of Tuff Enuff plays. Al molests some girl in the audience, then gives her his Santa hat. Way to go, HITMAN. There's the big gay couch. Tazz offers a handshake, but Snow seems hesitant. "Hey, let's let bygones be bygones, it's the holidays." And so they shake. My heart BURSTS with CHRISTMAS CHEER, or possibly CHOLESTEROL.
Here's some footage of the Tough Enough 2 trainers on a float in a Christmas parade. Cole says "MAVEN". The Tough Enough 2 casting special will debut February 28th. Al just plugs the show in a general sort of way. The segment lasts two minutes, tops. You know who should win Tough Enough 2? ELIX SKIPPER. Assholes.
Commercials. Carson Daly, Kid Rock, Ja Rule, and Jennifer Lopez are going to entertain the troops. Those poor, brave soldiers. More basketball tomfoolery with the Globetrotters. How this relates to the New Hickory Bacon Cheddar Burger, I cannot say. Gundam queers. I bet the people who REALLY build Gundam models are far less attractive. Super Smash Brothers Melee commercial. I have 186 trophies, bitches. COME GIT YOU SOME.
Tazz finally loses it and throws the little snowman decoration off-screen. Cole: "It had an orange nose!"
Get the dumplings: Thez Dudleyz Boyz (w/ Stacy Keibler) v. I LIEK SPIEK and I LIEK TAJIRI (w/ I DON'T LIEK TORRIE)
I bet I made the match description too long. Ah well, live and learn. Sign: "IM A KEIBLER ELF". You're a dumbass, is what you are. Tazz blathers about Stacy shaving her legs, insinuates that Cole likes women who don't shave their legs, then insinuates that Cole doesn't like women. Spike and Tajiri rush the ring and get punked. Zooming over the top rope goes Spike.
Shoulderblock by D-Von, and he knocks Tajiri down. Cole talks about some fan who won a dinner with Stacy Keibler. Tazz: "So some, uh, some horny guy got to eat dinner with Stacy? Beggin' him to get a life." Jeez, Tazz, settle down. D-Von eats boot on the corner charge but still manages to catch Tajiri in a powerslam. Tags out to Buh Buh.
Tazz again talks about what a stud Tajiri is, then insinuates that he wears those baggy pants because HIS PENIS IS QUITE LARGE. There's a whole lot of insinuatin' going on. "Hey Cole, how big you think Tajiri's samurai sword is, anyway?" God, stop it. Buh Buh is punching away. Loud chop. Tajiri ducks a clothesline and connects with a nice spin kick. Tag to Spike, and in he comes with a missle dropkick. Two count.
Buh Buh Ray with a BIG press slam on Spike. Dropping elbows. Quit saying "within a whisper", Cole. Spike takes the ol' headbutt to the groin. Testify dance. Only a two count. Ouch, HARD corner whip and Spike goes down. Buh Buh back in to put Spike down with a neckbreaker. Headlock is applied. Spike fights a bit, only to get clotheslined down. Buh Buh tries the second-rope senton, which obviously misses. So, so stupid.
Spike crawling for the tag... and he makes it! Tajiri with a flurry of kicks, then a hard kick to D-Von's thigh. Plants him with a back kick to the chin! Kick for Buh Buh on the apron! D-Von charges the corner and finds himself in the TARANTULA. Oh, but Stacy rakes Tajiri's eyes! And now Torrie is chasing her. They roll in the ring and catfight for awhile. Tajiri cheers them on. D-Von attacks from behind, but Tajiri counters with the handspring elbow! Buh Buh tries to break the pinfall but drops an elbow on his own partner. Tajiri drops him with a kick to the back of the head.
Now here comes Spike... Top rope crossbody! Only two. D-Von reverses Spike's whip, and there's the 3-D! That's it. Where the hell was Tajiri? Sleeping somewhere, apparently. He comes in late, only to get tossed back out.
Commercials. Most are either boring, or I've already mocked them. Wow, a genuine commercial for the LotR movie. Sean Bean gets one shot entirely to himself. YES. I wasn't able to see it again today, so I am sad. But I will. Oh, I will.
The WWF Slam of the Week is presented by Playstation 2. Hahaha, it's THE BIG BOSS, MAN chairing Austin in his suit. Bossman being in his suit, not Austin. Jesus, look at Vince laugh. Why is his face so pink?
Ugh, now they're going to show Triple H's "Beautiful Day" package. What an incredibly inappropriate song choice. I think they're measuring his knee with a protractor. DENNY'S. Actually, I think it's either TGI Friday's or Applebee's. Or Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag. SOLLY, SOLLY.
Commercials. Oh no, that one where the naked guy doesn't have a condom so he nakedly goes the convenience store. This is more ass than I need to see whilst viewing Sunday Night Heat. Ha ha, she gave him medium condoms rather than large because HIS PENIS IS QUITE SMALL!!! Ha. I am going to go to the military school where this kid is enrolled and FUCKING KILL HIM. The business operations staff from Insight Communications tries to wish me happy holidays, but I'm not falling for that BS.
The Lugz Boot of the Week is the figure four incident from RAW. SCREAMIN' LIKE DRUNK MEN, they are.
Yeah: CHRISTIAAAAN, Champion of Europe v. Rob Gun Dam
Hey, Rob's wearing his Japanese lobster onesie again. This is for the Euro belt, so Rob will totally lose somehow. Lockup, armwringer by Van Dam. Hammerlock, Christian reverses to his own, then shifts to a side headlock. There's a hole in Christian's shirt and he hasn't even started wrestling yet. Shoulderblock/leapfrog spot, culminating in Rob doing the splits followed by a monkeyflip. Scoop slam reversed to a waistlock, but Christian ends up being back bodydropped over the top rope. He dodges a moonsault off of the apron, but RVD lands on his feet! Dayom.
Rob hangs Christian over the barricade and hits the spinning legdrop off the apron. Now a slingshot legdrop back inside the ring gets two. Christian ducks an enzuigiri, then connects with the inverted DDT! Only two. Knife-edge chop in the corner, but Rob turns him around. Shoulderblock, shoulderblock, backflip, but Christian shoves RVD's shoulder into the ringpost. Roll-up, feet on the ropes, NO Van Dam kicks out. Nice powerslam by Christian. Again gets two. Frustrated, Christian's choking his opponent. Crowd chants for RVD.
Snapmare and a hard spine kick. Christian grounds Van Dam with a headlock, but he's elbowing out of it. Christian kills his momentum with a kneelift. Kick, but RVD blocks it, steps over, and lands his own weird kick! Big roundhouse kick. Rob rolls into the corner for another monkey flip, but Christian shoves him off. Van Dam backflips out, ducks a clothesline, and hits a twisting crossbody from the top! One, two, NO! Rolling Thunder coming up, but CHRISTIAN PUTS THE KNEES UP. Awesome. He cradles Van Dam in the same motion! One, two, NO!!!
Rob fights Christian off with a back elbow. He leaps to the top turnbuckle, but Christian manages to crotch him. Superplex attempt... Van Dam shoves him off. FIVE - STAR - FROG - SUIT!!!! He can't yet make the cover... But here comes Chris Jericho in his awesome Smackdown pants plus latex shirt! Rob's got the DQ victory, but Jericho's working him over. Shoulder slammed into the ringpost! AND AGAIN! THE BREAKDOWN!!! Jericho stands triumphant as his music plays. That rocked it.
Final RAW hype. It's a crazy Christmas edition tomorrow night, with Jericho taking on the Rock. I may rebeak it, seeing as Sofa has joined the M.I.A. for a brief period.
Final Thoughts: You know what I realized the other day? There's nothing but a bunch of big fat honkys in the Lord of the Rings movie. Maybe they let one black guy play an orc or something.