Aired December 16, 2001
Rebeaker: TNM
WHO LET WADE BOGGS OUT??? Why do I always shout something inane to start these rebeaks? Here is our Sunday Night Heat opening. INAUDIBLE SONG, LITTLE SPHERES, SQUIGGLY THINGS, FIRE. My policy on fires is "No, thanks!" Let's see, I've ripped off Friend Bear, ripped off Fireman Comics... My checklist is complete.
Hosts Michael Cole and Tazz are LIVE from WWF New York. Champion of Europe CHRISTIAAAAN is this week's guest host, and I AM happy about it as Super Shane Spear theorized in the Smackdown rebeak. I'm wagering that the only reason they jobbed Christian out to Tazz is so that they could have ISSUES on Heat. I hope there are a lot of backstage vignettes with wacky jokes about Europe, and then D-Lo comes out to slowdance with Christian. Or maybe they could french kiss, that's more European.
WAIT, Christian has yet to arrive. He and Tazz have a match scheduled for tomorrow night's RAW in LaFayette, LA. Tazz thinks Christian is scared.
AH SHOOK UP THA WORLD: Chuckin' It Solo v. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Fatty
Oh man. Eat him up, Show. I never before realized that the Big Show's tattoo is a tiger. How retarded. Shoves are exchanged, and Palumbo ducks a clothesline. Punching away, but Show shoves him into the corner. Knee lifts. Whipped into the other corner. OW, Show with the LOUD ham-handed chops. Headbutt. Crowd chants "Big Show"? Wow. Palumbo hiptossed out of the corner. Show tries a kick, but very clumsily and deliberately hangs his foot up on the ropes. Chuck lands a kick to the back of the knee.
Now he's on the outside, slamming Show's leg across the apron. Back in the ring, Palumbo alternates between kicks to the knee and standard punching. The Big Show fights back, but Palumbo stays on him. JUNGAL KICK! 1, 2, NO! Palumbo unwisely decides to argue with the ref. He turns around into a HARD clothesline! And another! Show throws Chuck into the corner twice and avalanches him twice. THE STRAPS ARE DOWN! Got him in the choke... NOOOO crotch hits from Palumbo. Here comes Billy Gunn. FAMEASSER while Chuck distracts the ref! Oh, COME ON, don't EVEN let Palumbo win this... He covers, ONE, TWO, THREE!!! Unbelievable. Goddamn you, Show.
Here's footage of Thursday's six-man in which Tazz choked out Christian. Jackie vs. Trish is coming up later. Jesus, how many times can they have that one match?
Commercials. Those queers are still fighting over Burger King goblets. I have all four, so I am obviously better than them. I also have all the Big Kids' Meal toys. I am THE DORK TO RULE ALL OTHERS. Some ugly child is unfairly sent to military school. IT REALLY WAS THE TRUCK! THE TRUCK DESTROYED HIS HOUSE! Playstation games are stupid. YOU BETTER WATCH YO' BACK, DAVE MIRRA, BECAUSE THIS VIDEO GAME DUDE IS TOTALLY GONNA KICK YOUR ASS. Wu-Tang's new album will be released December 18th, apparently. Why are they always singing about bees? Ali. I'M SO PRETTY, I SHOULDA BEEN BORN A LITTLE GUUUURRRLLL! Wait, that was Johnny B. Badd. Why do they have movies open on Christmas Day?
Christian is now arriving. His "people" are carrying his shopping bags, or something. Footage is shown from both RAW and Smackdown. Awesome, here's the fight in the grocery store. They replay almost the whole thing, but I'm not complaining. Booker T gotta have his Pops. That bald guy with no muscletone is obviously Stone Cold, Booker! WAIT, it was Tank Abbott! Haha, not really. Look at Booker sell those eggshots. I eat Premium crackers sometimes, Austin, they're not that hard to come by. Stone Cold is totally stealing Angle's gimmick with that milk. "Gotta see how much you cost!" SLAVERY IS WRONG, STEVE
Cole: "Hey, I heard that the old Green Frog is havin' a special on Booker T parts down there." Tazz: "Yeah, spi... spill on aisle 3, Booker's blood!" These witticisms are unmatched.
Commercials. They show the Dudleyz Chef Boyardee one, but you can still hear the WWF New York crowd in the background. Weird as hell. Cole: "That was a great..." then it cuts off. Production values, ppl. BEHOLD some goblets. BEHOLD "How High". SLAP THAT GUY FROM WISCONSIN! US WHITEYS SURE ARE LAME!!! Chris Jericho single-handedly made that Smackdown game. BEHOLD Wu-Tang again. HAS TONY HAWK GONE INSANE?!? "Fron' siiide nose griiinnn'" YOU ARE WHITE DON'T TALK LIKE THAT
The Lugz Boot of the Week is Matt Hardy putting his BOOT on the ropes during his Vengeance match. God, Cole has this disgusting bulge in his jaw when he talks.
Jobbers Ahoy: Saturn's still employed? v. Sho knows football
I can only describe the pattern of Saturn's panties as "Fred Flintstone". He's glaring and not acting weird, so maybe he's a heel again? Sweet, it's Funaki and his mullet. Cole reports that the Big Show is going to wrestle Billy Gunn later tonight. Lockup, Saturn with a European uppercut. Funaki blocks the armdrag with one of his own. And again. Drop toehold, front dropkick to the face. Saturn with the whip, but Funaki rolls him up for two. Fireman's carry flapjack by Saturn! Springboard dropkick! Only two.
The biggest black blotches on Saturn's panties are directly on his crotch and ass. Gross. Perry with more pummelling, but his kneelift is reversed into a roll-up for two. Saturn NAILS a clothesline to regain control. Elbowdrop. As Saturn applies a chinlock, the crowd chants... "Rocky"? It could be "Funaki", but I seriously, seriously doubt it. Tazz thinks it's really funny to go WHOOOO every time Ric Flair is mentioned. Jericho takes on RVD for the undisputed title tomorrow night. Possibly. Flair's working on it.
Now Saturn's raking the face of Funaki. BRAINBUSTER! 1, 2, NO! I am shocked that he kicked out. Funaki with a sunset flip! Only two, then Saturn destroys him with the SUPPERKICK. Still working him over. Two-part sign: "WAL-MART".
Funaki reverses a suplex to an inside cradle! Again gets two. Sho gets in a bulldog, and everybody's down. Another Funaki roll-up for two. Headscissors! Cole: "I tell ya, Saturn much more aggressive than we've seen him in recent weeks". Where the hell have you seen him in recent weeks, Michael? Funaki's going topside... BIG crossbody! Two again. Damn it. Saturn whips Funaki into the corner and puts him down with a SWANK legsweep. Springboard legdrop. Funaki kicks out! Saturn locks in an armbar and steps over. Tazz calls it a new version of the Rings of Saturn. Fuck, Funaki's tapping out. Dirty barnacles. Good match, still.
The food lady who hilariously insulted X-Pac is backstage with Christian. His hair is so awesome. Christian wants a fillet (WELL DONE), a souffle, and a glass of papaya juice. They don't serve papaya juice, so Christian tells her to run 17 blocks down to a place that does. "There's a nice sweet tip in there for ya, couple extra francs. That's French for money, you know." "Whatever you say, champ." "Hey... That's Christian, Champion of Europe."
Commercials. ARGH GOLDEN SUN HELP ME. That ugly kid is still going to military school. How High again.
KILL HIM, SHOW: One Gunn To Rule Them All v. Crouching Fatty, Hidden Porkrinds
I don't know why I'm making the lame Crouching Tiger jokes, because I hate when people do that. Billy does the world's gayest dance as he makes his way to the ring. Cole calls Gunn cocky. Tazz: "Well, at least Billy Gunn don't smell like cocky." Cole: *utter silence, then finally* "You gonna explain yourself?" Tazz: "Cocky, you know, like when kids poop in their pants. You call it cocky. Doody. You know, *penguin noise*, that kinda stuff." I am just flabbergasted, friends. Fucking flabbergasted.
Show angrily enters the ring, and Gunn takes a powder. He wants a timeout. Show follows, and Billy does the old "kick him when he slides back in" bit. Punching away, but Show ain't feelin' it, yo. He is ANGARY. You can tell when he is ANGARY because he starts frothing spittle. Clothesline for Billy! Another! Punching in the corner, then THROWS him out. Hard whip into the turnbuckle. Tazz: "How does Booker feel after what Austin did to him at the old Green Hornet grocery store?" Cole: "...the Green Frog." Tazz: "Hornet, frog, duck, whatevah."
Show follows Billy to the outside and headbutts him down. Rolled back in. Gunn is praying. Show offers a handshake, then makes it a chokehold. Billy still praying. Clothesline. Scoop slam, in position for an inverted suplex but Gunn flips out of it. He points at his head to indicate intelligence. Turns around into a clothesline! Here comes Palumbo. Clothesline! Christ, Show, can you do non-clothesline maneuvers? THE STRAPS ARE DOWN ONCE MORE! Billy thinks he's won for some reason. He wins THE CHOKESLAM!!! The porkrind battle is ovAH.
Christian is backstage confirming his reservations. He's told to hold. "No, that's fine. No, no, it's a European tradition to put others before yourself. No, really." Tazz interrupts him. "I'm on the phone in here, are you rude or somethin'?" Tazz wants him to bring his "narrow ass" out for the interview segment. Christian is upset that Tazz beat him on Smackdown, when, IN EUROPE, the Tazzmission is an illegal choke. "I wasn't tapping out. My contact lens fell out, and I was simply trying to pick it up." Christian won't come out until Tazz admits he cheated. He does so, sarcastically. Tazz finally goads him into doing the interview. Cole: "Tazz, one-on-one, interview-style, with Christian." Interview-style?
Commercials. Wu-Tang again. How High again. Jericho for the Smackdown game again. I'm beggin' ya, MTV, air some new commercials. A bunch of hip-hop gangbangers build their Gundam models.
CHRISTIAAAAN, CHRISTIAAAAN, AT LAST - YOU'RE ON YOUR OHHHH-OHHHH-OWWWWWN. He takes his seat 'pon the big gay couch. Tazz confesses that he was LYING about cheating on Smackdown. Christian: "So basically, what you're saying to me is then, that you're a LIAR." Hahaha. Now they just trade insults and talk about how they're going to beat one another. Tazz: "Wake up and smell the beans, bro! You're from TAMPA, FLORIDA!" He's FROM Canada actually, retards. Christian: "As we say in Europe, hasta la vista. I'm outta here."
Tazz calls him a "pussy"? "Bitch?" It was bleeped. OHHHHH, Christian's coming back. He shoves over the little podium thing! Poking Tazz now. Christian turns away, but swings around with a belt shot. Tazz ducks it and cinches in the Tazzmission! They're flopping all over the big gay couch. Security finally gets them separated.
Commercials. Those morons still want goblets. That ugly kid is still off to military school. Some dude is still threatening Dave Mirra's answering machine. The Fresh Prince is still Ali and still flabby. Wu-Tang is still Wu-Tang. I hate you, MTV.
This is the main event AGAIN?: Jackie (Chan Adventures) v. Trish
I'll give the WWF A MILLION DOLLARS if they have a title change on Heat. Tazz says he carries Cole on Heat just like Trish carries Coach on Excess. "That's a hell of a load to carry, 'cuz Coach, he's the drizzle in you know what, anyway..." The hell? Jackie starts things off with a kick, a couple chops, and roundhouse kick to the FACE. Jesus. It gets two. Trish comes back with a jawbreaker and a kick of her own.
Trish eats a STIFF clothesline. Big back bodydrop by Jackie. She charges Trish, but gets thrown over the top rope. NO, she held onto the rope! Jacke flips back up and headscissors Trish out of the ring! Awesome. Hard baseball slide dropkick, and Trish slams into the barricade. This rules. Jackie hotshots Trish on the apron from the fire(wo)man's carry position. Hey, you know would what have been funny? If Austin had put Booker in a fireman's carry while he was dressed like a fireman. Actually, that wouldn't have been funny at all.
The action goes back inside. Trish takes another clothesline, but kicks out at two. She maneuvers Jacqueline into an inside package. Again two. Jackie's clothesline is nowhere near Trish, but she politely sells it anyway. Chops by Trish, and a back bodydrop of her own. But Jackie hotshots her on the ropes. Stomping away. Tazz: "The Women's champion deal should be like women wrestlin' naked. I mean naked chicks wrestlin'! I know it's a family show, but that'd be alright, I guess." Whatever, Tazz. Meanwhile, Trish hits her bulldog and gets three. Tartar sauce.
RAW hype, and we're out. The diary of Method Man and Redman is up next. PASS. Hahaha, as soon as I turn my tape off, the Ludacris video is on. WHATCHOO GOT IN THAT CASE?
Final Thoughts: These girls are really slzy. All they just say is plz me. Despite having two Big Show matches, this was a pretty good edition of Heat. A medicinal miracle.