Pre-Heat: Things that happen on Thursday are technically Pre-Heat. So is the host of Celebrity Poker Showdown contractually obligated to be excruciatingly unfunny, or what? I'm disappointed in you, Manservant Heccubus. At least the commercials use that song from MVP Baseball 2004 about a fat guy who can't run very fast. You know what, I should have just saved this whole paragraph for The Cubs Fan. Save the drama for yo' Cubs Fan.

Heat opening. Boom. Why do we home in on that "YOU'RE GIVING AWAY THE BUSINESS" sign? Sign: "boB" stiThctiB.

Pornography Is A Syn v. My Ass Needs Toweling Off

Coach had "half a mind" not to show up tonight after his 'tard beating. Al: "You're like The Pope of gettin' your butt kicked. You could say you're leadin' mass in gettin' your ass kicked."

Val threatens to introduce a fat boy to the back of his hand, so I guess he's our heel. Trish vs. Nidia tonight. Let's stall for forty minutes. Venis ducks a lockup, applies a waistlock briefly, and shoves Rhyno away. Coach tells us about how the Heat superstars just returned from overseas, wink wink. Lockup, Venis winds up in the corner. Rhyno breaks clean and earns a shove. He responds with a much harder one that puts Val down. Venis hides in the corner. Rhyno: "You want me to kick his ass?" If you'd be so kind, Mr. Rhyno, syr. "E-C-DUB"

Rhyno wryngs the arm off another lockup. Val's flipped down into an armbar. Tuggin' it. Venis escapes by taking out a leg, but his elbowdrop misses. More cowering. Lockup, side headlock from Val. And some punches. They only serve to make Rhyno angary. He blocks one and cuts loose. Whip, Val's flattened by a shoulderblock. Rhyno sizes him up for the Gore... nope, Venis slips outside. Let's take a break.

Commercials. Carmelo puts the sassmouth on Bill Walton. Throw it down, black man, throw it down. Herman and Sherman: Good Friends, Fatter Enemies. Woe be Stat Boy. Wop be him, too.

We return to find Rhyno engaged in fisticuffs. Corner whip reversed, but Val charges into a back elbow. Rhyno's headed up top, which is incredibly ignorant. His legs are cut out by Val, sending him crashing to the floor. Al: "I've never seen a Rhyno fly, unless of course he's like in first class on... a jumbo jet." Coach: "Boy. Have you been workin' on that material all week? You got your A-Game on tonight, kid, YOUR A-GAME!" Venis follows Rhyno outside and drives his back into the ring apron. Inside, Val drops knees on the ribs. 1, 2, no.

Rib punchin'. And a kick. Al: "Val usin' his brain!" He kicked Rhyno with his brain. There's a sort of pumphandle into a gutbuster on the knee. 1, 2, no. Abdominal stretch. Al compliments Coach's strategy of tiring Benoit's arm by absorbing chops. Venis' abdominal stretch is broken by a hiptoss. Both men down. Val's right back up with a hard kick to the abdomen. Again. Chop. Whip, head down too soon, and Rhyno kicks him. Al reminds me of yet another reason why I dislike Val Venis by mentioning his right-wing craziness. Venis wants his half-nelson uranage, but Rhyno blocks and elbows free. Val just decks him in the ribs. Off the ropes and into Rhyno's clothesline. Another. Al: "Rhyno pullin' it out!" Whip it out, Rhyno! He whips Venis out into a big backdrop.

Belly-to-belly from Rhyno! 1, 2, no. "Laxluster cover," says Coach. Al derides him. Corner whip for Venis, but he blocks a charge with a knee to the ribs. Double leg takedown, pin, feet on the middle rope... 1, 2, no, referee Mike Chioda catches him purple-handled. The ref tries to explain that he has eyes, a concept which Val fails to grasp. Meanwhile, Rhyno's chewing on air. GOAR!!! 1, 2, 3.

Commercials. Victoria wants to put her Picasso right there. Picasso loved to bust a move. After Heat, Donovan McNabb will show Funk Flex the bevy of getaway cars he uses to escape Philadelphia after losing an NFC Championship Game. Yeah, I said it. And I say it again. Steven Richards is always outsmarting Donkey Kong in the business arena.

The Subway Slam of the Week involves the scuffle in Jericho's Highlight Reel. Five knuckle scuffle. No slams took place.

From RAW, let's watch some of Jericho/Benjamin vs. Orton/Batista. My scalp itches. Post-match, Jericho was powerbombed through a table. Yokels marked out.

Matt Hardy is next.

Commercials. At this very moment, Randy Orton is creating and destroying legends on his PS2. Final Fantasy Legends. Tellah called him a spoony bard, so Randy totally spit in his face. Eating raw subs is barbaric. RAW subs. Like Maven. Don't miss the Indy 500 on 10 Things Every Guy Should Experience. It'll be an hour of non-stop rain! Luther Rains.

We Could Use Your Tornado-Slapping Powers In The Midwest v. Rudy Poo

No Matt Facts? Fuck you, then. Rudy Rupert, I think? Is that Bobby Rude? I'll spare you my Rudy/Notre Dame/Al Snow jokes, although that movie was on TNT last night. At 3 in the morning. I think that's Bobby. I've seen those stylized sun panties before. I never forget a panty.

Al gives us the Tale of the Babaganoush. Lockup, waistlock by Rudy, but Matt counters into an armbar. Now a hammerlock, then a side headlock. Rudy pushes him into the corner. Clean break? No, Rudolph gives him a shove. Matt's all smiley. Will Lorenzo Rubberloafers ever get a name? Lockup, to another hammerlock by Hardy. He slaps Rudy on the shoulders because he's Vee One-Naaahhhh. "Ravishing" Rick Rudy charges, but it's right into a drop toehold. Arm-wringin', then punches to the shoulder. Al hates it when women make him wear the French maid's outfit. Coach: "And just the fact that you and Marv Albert decided to do it together is neither here nor there." Al: "Well, if he hadn't bit me..." So, uh, anyway, Rudy fought back with punches, but Hardy launched him over the top rope. Matt waves goodbye all limp-wristedly or something.

Rudy climbs back to the apron and catches Matt with a shoulder to the gut. That made Hardy's greasy hair emit a cloud of noxious mist. Matt slides out of the ring to avoid Rudy's sunset flip attempt. Ow! That totally hurt for no reason! Matt's up top... flying axehandle! 1, 2, no. Corner whip, but Hardy charges into a back elbow. He catches Rudy's clothesline to try the Side Effect, but Jobby elbows free. Kick, reverse neckbreaker! Matt kicks out at two. Neck vise by Rudy. The crowd chants for Hardee's.

Matt tries to stand, but Rudy clubbers him down. Off the ropes, back bodydrop by Hardy. Coach: "Matt needs a quick second to get a quick blow." Al: "A quick blow?" Coach: "Wind. Air." Hardy blocks a punch and pastes Rudy. Whip, back elbow, legdrop. Corner whip, ensuing clothesline, then a bulldog! 1, 2, no. Matt tries a scoop slam, but Rudy goes behind. Roll-up, bridging back, 1, 2, no. Rudy wants a whip, but Hardy swings out... Side Effect! Kick, Twist of Fate! 1, 2, 3.

Commercials. Yawn.

Two Weeks Ago, Kane won the Battle Royal thanks to Shawn Michaels.

Let's recap RAW's fussin' and a-feudin' between HBK and HHH. They'll meet at Bad Blood inside a Hell which will be inside a Cell. So are there two PPVs next month? I'm stumped. Stumpy.

Commercials. RECORD SCRATCH WHOO!!! None of those n00b Divas will be able to fall down or split their pants on Gail Kim's level. That's what I call job security. I really don't understand why they made the movie projector guy in this Insight Communications commercial look exactly like "Weird" Al Yankovic, because it has absolutely no bearing on anything.

The 1-800-Call-ATT Rewing is Eugene's diving headbutt on Coach. Whom Al laughs at.

Very Little Can Be Said About Me (w/ Vanilla Tyse) v. I Designed Jamie Noble's Hot Pink Confederate Panties During My Blind Phase in a These Nicknames Are Too Long match

Al considers dressing Coach in drag to win the $250,000 Diva Search. Coach: "I'd be a hot chick! I've got good legs." Lockup, side headlock by Stratus. And a takedown for a one count. Nidia tries a legscissors to break but can't quite get it. There we go, but Trish quickly escapes. Al is proud of how he trained Nidia to cheat. "She's just done me so well. I'm serious." Coach: "She did you so... NO WONDER she won! No wonder she won Tough Enough!" Al: "No! No!" Heh.

Ready for a lockup, but Trish surprises her opponent with a kick to the ribs. Forearm, then heads to the buckle. Nidia has a lot of heads. Kicks from Stratus. And clubbery to the chest. Nidia dodges a blow and lands forearms. Whip reversed, sorta, as Trish throws a kneelift before Nidia ever hits the ropes. Yanked down by the hair. Big kick to the bosoms. Trish stomps on Nidia's fingers. Now the other ones. Heel Trish is neat. She talks the smack until Nidia slaps her. Crappy punch, forearm, kick. Puerto Rican whip coming up, but Tyson drags Stratus to safety. Nidia still gets her with a baseball slide dropkick.

Stratus is rolled back inside, where she begs off. That lured Nidia in for a drop toehold. Trish applies a hammerlock, adding some abdominal stretchiness. Now it's something else, but I don't know what the hell's going on. Al said "quarter-nelson", which I didn't know existed. Trish floats over for a two count. Mini-snapmare into a Ninja Chokeout. Nidia eventually stands to elbow free. Trish hauls her down by the panties, much to Coach's delight. Stomp. Stratus slides out to smack Nidia. Back inside for a suplex, but Nidia turns it into a small package. 1, 2, no. Backslide, 1, 2, no. Clothesline ducked, schoolgirl, 1, 2, still Trish escapes. Nidia knocks her down with a pair of clotheslines. Whip, backdrop. Kick, bridging northern lights suplex! 1, 2, no! Nidia hits the ropes, but Trish blasts her with the Chink Kick. Cover, pullin' the tights for no reason, 1, 2, 3. Nidia's hair has a tendency to go Nowinski in a hurry.

Final Thoughts: Flex shows us lawnmower racing. Eddie Guerrero's gotta get a piece of that.