Aired December 9, 2001
Rebeaker: TNM
HANG IN THERE, LITTLE GUYS! I'm foresaking Pikmin to rebeak this, so I hope you squares appreciate it. Most of my yellow Pikmin drowned on their last covert op.
Michael Cole and Tazz are HIGH above the ring in San Diego, making ready for the WWF's first evar Vengeance pay-per-view. I wonder why I don't call them paper views like everybody else. This PPV used to be called Armageddon, but that name promotes OOZAMMA, or something. Please keep in mind that this is one of those hour-long commercial episodes of Heat. Strap yourself in for bitching.
As Drowning Pool's "Sinner" blares incessantly, we are told that an undisputed champion will be crowned tonight. Also, the Hardcore championship will be on the line in the RVD/Undertaker matchup. Here's a video package about how mean the Undertaker is. Jesus, nobody informed me that Taker cut his hair. He looks like a moron. Here's RVD backstage, his body contorted into some creepy position. Lil(l?)ian Garcia interviews him. She looks absolutely retarded doing the fingerpoint along with him. "Hey, that was good. I understand everybody tryin' to be like me, too." Hahaha.
Cole calls him "The Undertyker". There goes Drowning Pool again. The PPV is AGAIN not available on DirecTV, but Cole tells us that you can see it at WWF New York. Tazz: "YER DAMN SKIPPY." Who the hell invented that phrase?
Commercials. Buh Buh uses the Fatty Shower because he eats too much Big Beefaroni. An Asian Dwarf and some other Lord of the Rings type queers fight over goblets. "How High", starring Method Man and Redman. See, they were admitted to Harvard, but they also enjoy the dope! Ha ha! Only in the movies, FOLKS!
The Lugz Boot of the Week is Austin beating up Vince on RAW, then beating up Angle. God, they're going to show Smackdown's ass-kissing hijinx. Cole says "backside". You know, as awful of a segment as this was, the Rock made me laugh twice. And I don't even like him anymore.
Commercials. LotR goblets again, acceptable version. "How High" again. OH MAN, IT'S FUNNY WHEN PEOPLE SMOKE THE MARIJUANA. Here's that Super Smash Brothers Melee contest that Sofa always mentions in the RAW rebeak. I'd play against the Big Show, because his hands are too big for the Gamecube controller and I would totally win.
"Desire" package. At least they added some new shots. However, Lawler laughing at Heyman as he's being escorted out is not the new shot I would have chosen. That's how a lot of us were laughing when your wife left you, KING. Haha, I am so mean. Gross, the Rock making kissyfaces. Son of a bitch, they hold on Rocky and Trish's amphibious kiss for a good 5 seconds.
If you buy Vengeance, you can see some U2 video about Triple H. Man, if that doesn't make you order, nothing will. They run through the PPV lineup.
Commercials. Making The Movie: Lord of the Rings is on tomorrow. Shut up, Liv. Yeah, we know you LIEKS TEH HENTAI, XBOX perverts. It's very charming how I talk to people on the television as if they can hear me. If you win some cellular phone contest, Sugar Ray will call you. I don't think I have anything to say to Sugar Ray. I never before realized that this brain-achingly awful ad with Shaggy was advertising Gap. Just horrible.
The announcers pimp Drowning Pool's album. Tazz: "I just picked up the CD." I bet you a MILLION DOLLARS that all he did was physically pick it up in his hand. I'M ON TO YOU, TAZZ!
Sigh. Clips of Triple H's appearance on Mad TV. He played a high school wrestler who is a science dork, but is still very large. I think my sides just burst from all the laughter. Lord, he's speaking in a squeaky voice. Now they're somehow doing a Harry Potter parody, despite the fact that Helmsley is dressed nothing at all like Harry Potter. Will Sasso does his Steve Austin impression. HHH: "When he walked out, people really thought it was Steve." LOOK, IT IS STEVE AUSTIN! HE HAS GAINED 800 POUNDS! Where's Bret Hart when you need him? Cast member Stephanie Weir has an odd expression on her face as she talks about some scene she had with Triple H. "He picked me up, uh, like I was just a little, limp, 100 pound flower, and uh, it was, it was one of the best days of my life. Really." Man, she totally had sex with him.
Commercials. "How High". THEY ARE NUTTY AFRICAN-AMERICANS WHO TOKE ON THE WEED! MISS CLEO SAYS ZANINESS IS IN THE CARDS! This Old Navy ad is even gayer than the real Navy. Will Smith is awfully flabby for Muhammed Ali. Hey, Al Green is in that movie. He was "The Dog" in WCW, you know.
It's BRUTHA ON BRUTHA as the Hardee's fight at Vengeance. Here's a video package. Listen to that feminine music. Now listen to Lita bellowing in her man-voice.
Jo(h?)nathan "BAMF" Coachman stands backstage with Kurt Angle. Kurt thinks he has an advantage tonight. His match with Austin is scheduled before the Rock/Jericho contest, so he'll get to rest after he "wins".
Commercials. Oh my god, this is the best commercial in the history of the world. Jack Black, lounging on the couch in his soiled undergarments, grows more and more distressed as the TV announcer appears to be describing him (and me) exactly. "Are you a complete and total loser? Do you play video games for hours, binge all day on cereal and pizza, *Jack Black scratches genitals* and every night pass out in front of the TV scratching your genitals? Maybe it's time to change your life. Maybe it's time to quit making excuses and finish your education. Maybe it's time to get off your fat ass and learn a trade." Jack Black: "WHERE'S MY CHANNEL CLICKER???" He finds the remote in his underwear and changes the channel. "SPONGE-BOB SQUARE-PANTS! IF NAUTICAL NONSENSE BE SOMETHIN' YE WISH" Jack Black: "Hahaha. This is better." It's apparently a commercial for some movie called "Orange County". I still won't see it, but I forgive you for Shallow Hal, Jack Black. I really like to say Jack Black.
Oh yeah, there was also an ad for Charlie's Aquarium, an awesome local pet store. ALBINO HEDGEHOG! BLUE SCORPIONS! Holy shit. I want a blue scorpion.
A what? A match?: The N.A.A.P.A. v. Panty Pals
Jim Ross and Lawler announce from ringside. Ross: "TWO VERY POPULAR TEAMS!" JR, plz. You could count the number of fans Gunn and Palumbo have on Frodo's fingers. Haha, because he has 9 and not 10!!! It is funnier than the a-ver-age joke! Eh. Bradshaw locks it up with Palumbo. God, I hope the Acolytes just cripple these two. Palumbo is muscled into the ropes where Bradshaw pounds him. Back elbow. BRADSHAW HAMMER! HARD chop. Oof, now Bradshaw charges right into a LOUD boot. Palumbo with a SHITTY dropkick. Gets two.
Whip is reversed, and Bradshaw nails his fallaway slam. Now Billy runs in and gets drilled with a shoulderblock. Faarooq tagged, double shoulderblock for Palumbo. Falling headbutt. I love when Faarooq does that. Gunn sneaks in a cheap shot off the whip, and Chuck levels Faarooq with a discus punch. Lawler is ranting about how he was A.W.A. World Champion in 1988 and he had a unfication match with Kerry Von Erich. Way to put yourself over that dead guy, KING!
Palumbo and Gunn stomp away on their opponent while the ref argues with Bradshaw. Billy's in, still stomping. HE'S A PURE ATHLETE. More heel punching/kicking while the ref is distracted. Palumbo works in a resthold, because all that kicking really wears him out. You can hear Faarooq calling spots, but he is so mumbly that you can't understand. He elbows out of the headlock, but Chuck slams him down. Palumbo lives in San Diego, sez JR. Faarooq spinebusters him in front of his HOMETOWN CROWD. Both men crawling for the tag.
And both men make the tag. YES, Bradshaw is killing people. BIG BOOT for Billy! Right hand! BIG BOOT for Palumbo! HUGE powerslam on Billy! 1, 2, NO Palumbo saves. Faarooq tosses Chuck out and follows him. Gunn wants the Fameasser, but Bradshaw straightens up. Clothesline ducked, CLOTHESLINE FROM HELLLLLLL is not. Man, Billy did a little flip. Three count, and the A.P.A.'s cuisine reigns supreme.
More Vengeance hype, and we're out.
Final Thoughts: I want a blue scorpion.