R.I.P. Muhammad Hassan
I Don't Know - July 24, 2005
"And it seems to me, you lived your life, like a camel in the sand..."

Let's go to town. You know what town it is.

Smackdown opening. Get out of there, Animal. Explode. Remember when Heat used to have pyro? Huh. We were NOT LIVE from Rochester, NY. Sign: "BATISTA IS NOT THE ROCK". Oh, okay. Thank you for pointing that out.

Not Ready For Primetime, Playa is in the ring to thank the very special, helmet-wearing individuals who watched the Great American Bash. RIGHT HERE, DADDY. Things happened at the Bash, and Theodore is here to tell us about them. He's about to announce Undertaker vs. Batista as the Summerslam main event, but Every Time A Closing Bell Rings, An Angel Gets Its Wings walks among us in human form to interrupt. Moohammad Hassan'd. Cole lets us know that JBL was in "a physical battle" with Batista. Not the battle of wits that one would expect from those two. Bradshaw reminds Long that he defeated Dave in the main event. Sign: "JERK BORING LAME". You wound him. A "YOU SUCK" chant begins as I think I spy another sign behind JBL's hat that says "GNOME". So JBL thinks he should be the #1 Contender because Batista got disqualified "on purpose". It's in his contract. He wants a one-on-one match, too. "Not in a battle royal rumble royal!" If not, lawsuit. Get Muhammad's attorney on the horn! JBL: "You quit screwin' me!" Tee hee. Teddy makes another #1 Contender match because that one I paid for didn't really count. Taker vs. JBL. FEEL THE PAIN THAT HE TRY TO CONTAIN.

Commercials. I don't want to talk about these any more that I do the Spike TV commercials. Watch "Gang Of Roses" to see a bunch of Mrs. Black Lady cowgirls shoot everything up. This strikes me as historically inaccurate.

The Subway Rewing is everybody getting pantsed at the Great American Bash. Torrie faces Melina in a rematch tonight.

A Time Mage Requires A Staff v. A Whole Pound Of Liver Men Love

OJ's shoulder is all bandagey from Batista's chair shots. Not from any damage he suffered during that horrible motherfucking match of his. That was only inflicted upon we, the home viewers. Jordan makes a valiant attempt at the Cabinet pose, but no, it is too painful. I bet he can't even draw "O" and "J" in the sky. It'll end up as "O SHIT THIS HURTS". Smackdown is brought to us by "The Skeleton Key," among other things. Tazz: "On August Twelf, unlock tha secret!" That was funny for some reason. There's McMillan and Wife. Sign: "MY FISH WAS NAMED BOOKER T". Hahaha. Swimarooni. I wish Sofa was here, because we desperately need a screencap of the hilarious fishface Booker T makes while he's backlit by pyro. I typed "holarious" at first. That's a Theodore Long word.

Booker and Benoit exchange a headbob before they start whippin' A on their respective archrivals. Heel corpses flop outside. Booker pursues to send OJ back in. Benoit immediately applies the Crawlspace, but Christian saves with boots to the head. Jordan tags him in officially for a free kick. But Benoit's firing right back with chops. Whip, Christian slides through the legs, but Benoit blocks his swing and turns it into a hiptoss. Headlock takedown, 1, 2, no. Christian stands and loosens it with shots to the ribs. Whipped off, but Benoit floors him with a shoulderblock. And again. Shot for Jordan, as well. More chops on Christian. Whip reversed, and Christian fondles referee Nick Patrick's lovehandles so OJ can trip Benoit up. Booker chases Jordan around as Christian applies some boots on the inside. Tag to Orlando for clubbing and stomping. Chops of his own. Whip, back elbow. Benoit's driven into the corner for Christian's strangulation. Jordan's trying to remove another turnbuckle pad, but T strolls over to hotshot his bad arm on the top rope. Tag to Christian, who prevents Benoit's exchange with an elbowdrop. Christian flinches in Booker's direction before thinking better of it. Now hooked for a suplex, but Benoit turns it into a small package. 1, 2, no. Christian cuts him right back down with a clothesline. 1, 2, Benoit kicks out just before Booker runs in with a stomp. Reclining headlock applied by Christian, which Cole calls an "anaconda vise" for some reason. And Tazz actually agrees. What the fuck is an anaconda vise? Benoit snakes his way to the bottom rope. A small slip of paper which reads "Snakes". Chris knees Christian in the head when he fails to break in a timely manner.

Front chancery applied so that Orlando can return with shittiness. Benoit starts chopping him. A lot. Jordan strikes back with a kneelift and an elbow to the back of the neck. Back into the evil corner for Christian's kick to the ribs. Pounding. Reverse neckbreaker by the Cap'n. Cole tells us that Benoit recently had some deposits removed from his neck, so I guess that's why he was wearing that little fag tag band-aid recently. Mr. Money In The Neck. Ninja Chokeout with a knee in the back, and Benoit appears to be bleeding from the mouth. Tazz lets us know that he has no teeth. Benoit stands and elbows free until Christian jacks him. Off the ropes and into Benoit's belly-to-belly suplex. Crawling... tag to Booker! He goes punch crazy on everyone. Whip for Christian, leaping clothesline. Christian retaliates, but Booker nails him with a flying forearm off the whip. Vertical suplex. DAHHHHHH or whatever Booker always yells. Chop, corner whip reversed, but T slings over a charge. Right hand caught, Book End! 1, 2, Jordan pulls Christian out! They express their undying love on the outside until Benoit knocks him both into the barricade with a baseball slide. Let's take a break.

Commercials. I guess drinking rotten milk from a shoe is unpleasant. Thanks for advancing the progress of science, Steve O.

We return to find Booker swing out of a whip and kill Christian with the twisty-arm crescent kick. 1, 2, no. Whip, Houston Sidekick! 1, 2, no. Tag to Benoit for kicks and forearms. Whip, and a kneelift to the gut sends Christian flippin'. Pointing at OJ. Impolite. Head to the buckle and chops in the corner. Booker returns to continue the choppage. Whip, Papa Shango, and T gets kicked. Christian hits the ropes to be buried by a spinebuster, regardless. Shakyhand! Spinarooni! Shades of that guy's fish! Kick, off the ropes in preparation for the Axe Kick, but OJ comes in to BLAST Booker with a stiff clothesline! Christian hauls T to his corner and tags out. Stomps and repeated elbowdrops by Jordan. 1, 2, no. Head to the buckle as a "Book Or Tea" chant fires up. T and OJ trade punches until Jordan rakes the eyes. Christian returns to kick. Straight right hand puts Booker down. Throttling, then more fists to the head. Chestpats. T retaliates with a slappypunch and chops. Off the ropes and into Christian's spinning heel kick! Wow. I don't think he's done that since he was suckin' something else. 1, 2, no.

Rear Naked Ninja Chokeout by Christian, which is probably better known as the Python Squeeze or something. Tazz: "You gotta watch Christian, here, referee Nick Patrick, if that is your real name..." More chanting for Booker as he tries to fight his way up. Elbows and screaming to escape. Off the ropes, clothesline ducked, so's the Houston Sidekick, and Christian plants him with the inverted DDT! 1, 2, Benoit saves! Christian and Jordan illegally exchange because tagging is FOR SAPS, but Nick Patrick gets all pissy, so here's Christian again. Booker punches at him until Christian pokes the eye. To the second rope for chestpats, but Christian leaps right into Booker's HIGH Houston Sidekick! Sleepyspot precedes the Day of Reckoning 2 replay. Tags on both sides, but it's Benoit who runs OJ down with forearms. Drop toehold, which Orlando sells awfully. Off the ropes, more forearms to the throat. Snap suplex. Kick for Christian and a snap suplex onto Orlando! German suplex for Jordan! Two! Three! Christian has his clothesline ducked before taking a German, as well. Thumb across the throat! Air Atlanta hits Jordan's shoulder, which actually makes sense for once! Cover, 1, 2, Christian saves via stomping. Booker smacks him around until Christian thumbs the eye and dumps him to the floor. Christian quickly follows, courtesy of Benoit's clothesline. Jordan tries to attack from behind, but Benoit catches him in the Crossface! Christian returns to the ring, but he suddenly decides that he don't like that man no more and abandons him to die like a dog at the hands of the Yellow Turbans. Yellow Britches. Jordan ultimately taps out. Here's a replay of Christian's racism.

Elsewhere, Little Jonny Was A Ventriloquist's Dummy From My Childhood is putting his funky-fresh flow to paper when GOOOOOOO BYE-BYE, HAWK! interrupts. Heidenreich suddenly decides that he isn't worthy of replacing that dead guy, but Animal says PSHAW. "What you have, and Hawk also had, is heart!" Dude, he's got Hawk's heart? Can I see it? Animal forces Heidenreich to sit down and shave his big, stupid head.

Commercials. The KFC Snacker is better than anything you can get at Hall's Dollar Store. Probably just used toothpicks and dirty needles.

Welcome back to the Blue Cross Arena. THEY'RE TAKING OOOOOOVER.

Let Us Take You Back to the Great American Bash, where Rey defeated Eddie and won custody of Dominic or something. Why is this child not named Rey Mysterio The Third???

Tazz and Cole tell us that Eddie was supposed to be in action tonight, but he hasn't reported for work. He's also contractually obligated to STFU about the secret now.

The Legion Of Dumb v. The #1 Contenders!!!!!

I guess this is non-title, because these two assholes are never going to fight anyone but MNM and jobbers. Heidenreich's got a mohawk now because he wants to see "MO' HAWK" HAHAHA GET IT? Fortunately, Hawk is dead. Your meat is Chris Hamrick and Chuck Steely or Feely or something. "Confederate Currency" is codeword for "SLAVES". Not that it's said or anything. Confederate Flag on the back of the vest. Git-R-Dun, boy. The tag champs beat everybody up. Chuck gets Bossman slammed immediately. Animal whips Hamrick into a powerslam. Hawk's up, Doomsday Device, 1, 2, 3. Gee, thx. You can't march to that shitty LOD music, Heidenreich. Dipshit. Tazz: "Tell ya what, my man, Animal and Heidenreich, they don't work by the hour! They don't get paid by the hour, I should say!" Later: "If they get paid by the hour, they're not gonna make a lot of money, so, I'm sayin'..."

Someplace, The Imagination Of Domination are watching this with the same disgust that the rest of us feel. Wait, shouldn't they be observing an invisible television? Melina enters to tell the boyz that they need to do "some serious damage control. We're gonna put a spin on things. Our own positive spin." She got them a publicist. And now they're gonna be on the cover of Smackdown Magazine next month. Happy dap. How-EVUH, there's a catch. They're going to need a "fixer" to turn their negatives into POS-I-TIVES! *sparklytooth* They have a lot of negatives, what with all the fake pictures they take. Melina: "It's a fixer. He fixes things." FIX IT! FIX IT! Mercury: "Oh, a fixer!" Nitro: "Oh, yeah, a fixer, okay." They'll be meeting "her" tonight. Mercury: "Is... she... hot?" Nitro: "Is she a girl?" Hahaha. Melina: "Well, she is, but she isn't." Nitro: "She's not a girl?" Whoops, here she is. Some relatively muscular blonde broad named Jillian. That isn't Slater's cousin, is it? This reminds me that I heard that female DJ on Alt Nation make the "cousband" joke. How flattering. Nitro and Mercury are disturbed by something. Is Jillian like Two-Face? She lets us know that Theodore Long has banned M and N from the upcoming match. But she'll be there to counteract the whorisms of Candice. Oh dear, now she turns to reveal the giant growth on her face. And not the Magic card. Scabrous. Heh, look at Melina's reaction to the kiss. Tazz: "What da hell's on her face, Cole?!" Mercury, to Nitro: "Would you?" Nitro: "*undecided*"

Elsewhere still, NINTENDO DS STANDS FOR "DOMINIC SUX" is playing with his PSP BOO WHAT A HEEL. MISTER OWL is taking him to the ring again. Dominic wants to know Uncle Eddie's secret, but Rey promises he'll tell him when he's older. Children must never learn the secret of the three licks.

Commercials. Now That's What I Call Music! Apparently! "Baby Bash"? Is that Snitsky's rap name?

The Boogeyman is in your basement. BOOGEY BOOGEY BOOGEY.

Who's That Jumpin' Out Tha Center Of A Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop? Rey's all happy and shit. Dap for Dominic. Rey thanks the fans for their support like Bartles and Jaymes. Of Team Rocket fame. Hahaha, I suck. My intimate knowledge of the Spanish language just picked up something about chickens. "HEYYYYYYY, REYYYYYYYY!" Nothing you can say, is gonna stop him from telling the secret. It's CHAD IS SECRETLY YOUR TWIN BROTHER, HOLLLLLMES! And he has a storybook. Rey tells Eddie to Get The F Out. Guerrero just generally freaks out and yells. "I AM THE LAAAAAW!" Judge Edd. "And I may have promised you and my wife to keep my mouth shut if you beat me at the Great American Bash, which you did! But guess what, Rey? I LIIIIIIIIIED!" He wants to read from "Eddie's Bedtime Stories". Aww, one of the S's is all backwards. How adorable. Rey: "Hey, don't go... hey, don't go even... don't go there! Stop that!" NUH-UH!

"Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, lived a little boy named Dominic." Mysterio walks up the ramp after him. "Dominic, Dominic, Rey is not your father! No es tu papa, mijo! The truth of the matter is, I'm your father, Dominic!" SHOCKING. "I'm your papi!" Rey returns to the ring to cut Dominic's hand off. Hugging and such. GET A ROOM, YOU TWO. Dominic's all "Say it ain't so, Joe!" Rey talks Spanish talk until Dominic slowly backs away. Now he's runnin' through the crowd with Mysterio in pursuit. Nice of someone to helpfully place that chair there so Dominic could make it over the barricade.

Eddie's lonely. "Hey! Hey! Whatsamatter, man, I'm not that bad, am I? I mean, I mean, I'm not perfect, but nobody is! What is it, do I smell bad or somethin'? *checks pits*" He's in the ring now, and he's ready for storytime. "CHIMEL GET OFF YOUR LAZY *BLEEP* AND BRING ME THE CHAIR!" Haha, he sure hates Chimel. The lights are dimmed as Eddie takes a seat. There better be illustrations. "Chapter One. There was a time when me and my wife were separated. And I was goin' a little loco, partying, drinking, having sex with a lot of different mamaciiiitas! Yeah, you know what I'm talkin' about! Well, one day, one of these *bleeps* came and told me that she was pregnant! I didn't want to do anything to do with that nino, and neither did she. I mean, c'mon, she already had seven of 'em! So I told her I would take care of it." If only Snitsky had been around back in the day. "While I was off making many, many babies all over the place, Rey and his wrife (heh) were trying to do the same thing. Unfortunately, Rey was shootin' a lot of blanks! *shifty eyes* So when my little bambino came into the world, out of the goodness of my loving heart, I gave my bambino to my best friend. To Rey as his own son. And that baby was named Dominic. Now, we never signed any adoption papers, I just handed my son to Rey and his wife, and, well, let's just say they were very happy. They were living a beautiful life, all their prayers were answered, they were in paradiiise! So instead of me being Daddy, I became Uncle Eddie. Man, that's a great story, isn't it? And I feel good! Don't you? That feels great! I feel like a big monkey's off my back, woo hoo hoo hoo, oh yeah! That was a big weight off my shoulders! Ohhhh yeaaah! And Rey, if you think that was good, wait until next week and you hear Chapter Two!"

Commercials. Fried chicken makes Jared make a Melina face. I wish there was a Melina face emoticon. I'd use it so much.

We come back to find that THE SHADES ARE OFF!!!!! Cole is sick to his stomach. Stop airing dirty laundry, Eddie Guerrero. Shades back on, time for bras and panties. Cole: "*limp-wristed wave of dismissal* Whatever."

WHAT'S ON HER FACE, HOLLLLMES??? v. GoAlWilson.com

That's really quite gross. Please don't ruin MNM with this dumb shit. Melina gets blurred out on her splits entrance. First Muhammad Hassan, now vagina. You just won't let us see anything good, will you, UPN? How are the homosexuals ever going to hear about vagina at this rate? Tazz: "I have a couple of some publicity people, and I have a fixer, too. So I know what this is all about. They fix things for you!" Cole: "Yeah, like your grammar!" Hahaha, you just put it on him, Shoelace. Tazz is transfixed. "She's got that growth, uh, uh... You think there's hair stickin' outta that thing?" Cole: "WILL YOU SHUT UP???" Tazz: "Kinda like a giant mole, like a... Maybe it's a goiter, is it a goiter, you think?" Cole: "Will you shut up??? You're makin' me sick!" Is he saying "canker" and pronouncing it "shanker"? Tazz: "Maybe, you know... maybe there's pus in it." Cole: "ENOUGH WITH THE PUS!!!" Hahahaha, they really are getting this over with me. Cole must have fainted when Coach was describing Antonio's disgusting welt.

Now I have to rewind and "call" the "action". SmaxBox: "RAW beats Gunsmoke!" WOW WHAT AN ACCOMPLISHMENT! Lockup, Melina throws a kneelift and yanks the hair. Head to the buckle, hairpull throw. Melina's autographed panties are for sale on WWE Auctions. She sure went from "No one will ever see me in my bra and panties!" to "I'll go ahead and autograph these for some pervert (STEVE ROMERO) to ejaculate on!" in a hurry. Maybe the Heart Throbs slipped her a roofie and used her limp arm to sign the underpants. Among other things. Melina drives her tremendous weight down on Torrie's back. More hair pulling. Corner whip, but Torrie springs over a charge and gets a schoolgirl for two. Melina fights back with an eye rake and a couple back rakes. Torrie responds with forearms to the ribs, but Melina axehandles her all murderously. Shot of Jillian. Tazz: "OHHHHH MY GOD! You know, I think that, I think that thing on the side of her face just winked at me." Mounted punching from Melina. 1, 2, no. Tazz: "She should get those face wipes. The alcohol things... the brillo, I don't know." Cole: "What is your obsession with this, this wart or whatever the hell it is on this lady's face?" Melina has a neck vise or something applied. Cole thinks the growth looks like a chocolate chip cookie. Tazz: "Maybe you should go over and lick it! You like chocolate chip cookies!" Laughter. Tazz: "Ah, that's disgustin'!" Another look at Jillian. Tazz: "AHHH my god get off that shot. Look at that thing! What is that thing?" This rules. Tazz: "Maybe she does like pottery stuff and..." Cole: "Why don't you go take a sample of it and look at it under a microscope?" Eww, close-up. Like Cardassian skin. Tazz: "How'd you like to go cheek-to-cheek dancin' with Jillian? Can you imagine doin' like the samba or somethin' with her, or like the meringue? That thing gets on ya, and it... It'll grow all over ya!"

More girl fighting has ensued. Melina's private parts get blurred again. It's a good thing MNM taught me to use my imagination. TALK TO THA HAND, LI'L NAITCH. More girl submissions from Melina, but Torrie throws her down by the hair. Melina attempts another axehandle, and... hits it? I guess? She goes to the second rope for another, but Torrie gets the knees up. Back to Jillian. Tazz: "OH MY GOD!" Jillian: "C'mon, Melina!" Tazz: "'Oh My God' exactly, Jillian!" You were the one who said Oh My God, Tazz. Hairpull throw by Torrie before Jillian brushes her hair back so we get a better view of the tumor. Tazz: "Whoa, don't touch it, Jillian, whaddaya, nuts???" Torrie goes clothesline crazy. Basement dropkick. Whip, Melina clings to the ropes, and Torrie rushes in for some clumsiness. Takedown, roll-up by Melina, blurred ass, feet on the ropes, 1, 2, 3. Candice starts bitching, so Jillian takes her feet out and busts her face on the apron. Tazz: "It's like the size of Idaho! I think it grew! I think it's bigger... it's bigger now than it was before! I hope Melina don't get too close to her. I don't wanna rub cheeks with that broad." Cole: "You are a sick, sick man."

We get a close-up of the Mexican flag on SU-PER LA-ZY HAHA YEAH's jumpsuit, as he's sleeping somewhere with an eyemask on. Haha. Psi-Duck is listening to Supergrass on his Mex-I-Pod, while Wheatgrass Juice dances and reads Smackdown Magazine. Mex-I-Pod is my favorite Pokemon. THE MAN is some bald cracker who barges in all indignantly and tells them to get to work. Juvi: "What's up, dude?" He wants them to start selling concessions. Juvi: "What are you talking about? Who the hell are you?" Whitey: "Who the hell am I? I'm the Assistant Concessions Manager! Comprende, amigos?" Haha. And off he goes. The Mexicools are greatly amused. Juvi: "The gringos think we gonna be working for him!" Psicosis: "*coughing fit*" Crazy comes up with the MASTER PLAN that they should, in fact, get to work. Juvi: "Oops! We did it again!" Crazy: "*insane laughter*"

Commercials. Go to coqroq.com to experience another one of Burger King's dumbass websites. One nation under chicken fries.

GET IT POPPING. Tazz: "Big shoutout to Fat Joe. You know, him and I go way back, we went to separate schools together." What?

Naughty 2 Hotty v. Slurms McKenzie

Regal appears to have some gay new classical music that sounds more like a mariachi band. Buy his autobiography. What the hell is this match doing on Smackdown? Lame-beau leap. Lockup, lawnmowers, oh, okay. The Mexicools are here to offer you a delicious treat. A few of the more nimble fans manage to gank their popcorn. Tazz: "Give Tony Chimel a drink, give Chimel somethin'! What's up, Juvi, how you doin', baby?" Cole and Tazz receive sodas, while Chimel just gets popcorn in the face. Referee Jim Koreras comes out all "EXCUSE ME, SIRS, BUT WE'RE TRYING TO HOLD A VERY BORING MATCH HERE," so Crazy gives him soda in the eyes. Kick, chucked into the barricade. Regal pitches Scotty outside so the Mexicools can kill him. Psicosis ambushes Willie and tosses him out, as well. Lots of soda and popcorn shots. Now nachos. Scotty gets forcefed. Cole, to Tazz: "Would you stop eatin' the popcorn and call the action?" Tazz: "That's my... Aw, that was my popcorn that he took." I wish all these counted as foreign object shots for Billionaires purposes. Psicosis hits his "ass is grass" catchphrase.

JBL vs. Taker is next. Jesus, there's like 40 minutes left.

Commercials. "They snacked on danger and dined on death for two decades..." Must be a lot of fatty calories in danger and death, huh, Animal? The McLean County Fair is fun for all ages of hillbillies. Don't miss "Tobin's Pizza Big Smoker's Tracktor Pull And Local Pickup Truck Pull-Off!" I hope that's some stupid pun rather than a misspelling of "tractor". Sheep-shearing! Somebody hold me back!

RAW Rebound. Cena's antics. Carlito defeats him after Jericho's remarkably non-Jericho-like Lionsault. By which I mean it was good.

God v. Satan

Moo. MOO. Sign: "JBL: WRESTLING CLOD." HYUK HYUK HYUK. I like how they very distinctly put a period on their sign. Not that was a sentence or anything, but I still approve. OJ's taggin' along. Bradshaw commandeers somebody's sign. Now he's all "Brian Hebner, meet Orlando Jordan," and Hebner's like "Yes, I see him with my eyes." BONG DONG CLONG CLOD. JBL hits the bricks as Taker hits the ring. Undertaker's little padded gloves say "Primetime". Y'all should know who built this crypt. JBL has tapey ribs. Let's go to break.

Commercials. Oh, Deuce Bigalow. No.

Good, the match has already started. JBL whips out of Taker's headlock, only to eat the shoulderblock. He and Orlando are so bandaged. Zombie vs. Mummies. Lockup, side headlock by JBL. Whipped off, this time Taker gets the brunt of the shoulderblock, but he doesn't go down. Bradshaw hits the ropes to try again, but Taker surprises him with a drop toehold. Elbowdrop on the ribs. Now driving the point of the elbow into them. And soupboning 'em. Cole: "Like a lightbulb went off in the head of The Undertaker!" A lightbulb is often used to represent a sudden idea or thought. Undertaker clubbers before driving Bradshaw's head into the top turnbuckle. Jabbery. God, I hate when Taker says "Boo" at the referee and he runs for his life. Clubbin' the ribs some more. Headbutt. 1, 2, no. Punch. Corner whip, but Taker rushes into a boot. He boots JBL right back, however. 1, 2, foot on the rope. Good wherewithal, JBL. Punch. Stomp. Bradshaw falls to the floor, but Taker grabs him. Clubber. Strangulation in the corner. RUN, BRIAN HEBNER! HE'S LOOKING AT YOU! Fucking queer. Yeah, hit him, JBL. Taker dodges to punch the ribs some more. Punch. Bradshaw falls outside. God.

Taker follows to drive the ribs into the edge of the apron. Arranged on the apron for Undertaker's running elbow. Vintage Undertaker. There's the apron legdrop. Rolled in, cover, 1, 2, no. Head to the buckle. Soupbone, but Bradshaw pokes the eye. Bradshaw hammer. Taker's head meets the buckle this time. And now it's JBL who punches. Boots to the face. Choking in the corner. Scoop slam succeeds, but JBL's hurtin'. Heading for the top rope cannot end well. Zombie Situp, punch. Again. Taker goes up after him... superplex! Cover, 1, 2, JBL kicks out. Corner whip, scooped over the shoulder, snake eyes. Orlando's complaining, so there's a big boot for him. But JBL demolishes Taker with the Clothesline From Heaven! And his big, dead body flops to the floor. Break.

Commercials. Don't tell chicken how it should be, Jared. You ain't the boss of chicken. Uh-oh, CrimeStoppers. Let's see if I can give any hot tips. Some guy got shot and crashed his car. I didn't do it.

We come back to find JBL bodyslamming Taker on the little announce position tabletop for some reason. Now it's all bent up. Tazz: "Uh-oh, uh-oh!" Jordan rolls Taker back in for JBL's two count. Moments Ago, Bradshaw's clothesline. He and Taker currently trade punches until Bradshaw clobbers him. Running charge, but Undertaker gets a boot up. Now he's doing shoulder charges and tugging the arm. Wringy wringy, OLDE SKOOLE. Taker hits the Staff Meating, clearly sending a message to Orlando Jordan. 1, 2, foot on the rope. Calling it... Choke, but Bradshaw kicks him in Little Evil while Hebner and OJ are discussing fine honeys. Naptime. Hebner counts six before JBL stands. DDT! 1, 2, no. Haha, JBL's totally applying the Million Dollar Dream. Cole: "Cobra-like clutch-like maneuver!" Undertaker goes to sleep on the mat. Cover, 1, 2, no. Zombie Situp. JBL punches, but Taker punches more better. Kick from Bradshaw. Whip, clothesline ducked, "flying" clothesline from Taker. Corner whip, scoop, another snake eyes. Off the ropes, another big boot. MOVESET. Legdrop Of Death, 1, 2, no. Tazz: "I'm impressed, Cole, and you should be too!" Don't tell him what to do.

Another corner whip sets up a corner clothesline. And big boot #1,000,000, but JBL's dead body bumps into Brian Hebner and kills him. OJ scampers around with a chair so Taker can big boot it into his face. Kick, loading Jordan up for the Last Ride, but JBL strikes with a kick to the gut. Bradshaw wields the chair... WHACK! And kick that chair to the curb. JBL rouses Hebner and covers... Cole: "NOT THIS WAY... again!" Not This Way 2: Electric Boogaloo. 1, 2, NO, WHAT A SWERVE. Zombie Situp. Whip by JBL, who Papa Shangos his way into a DDT. Yet another Zombie Situp. Really losing what little impact it had. Choke, chokeslam. Here's a soupbone for dear, sweet Orlando, whose flying corpse knocks the accident-prone Brian Hebner out of the ring. Taker picks Bradshaw up and hits the Tombstone. Foldy-handed cover, but Hebner ain't here, yo. WELL, WELL, WELL, here comes Douchey McBaggerson to flatten Taker with the RKO. Pulling JBL on top of him. Wow, I seem to recall seeing this EXACT SAME FUCKING BULLSHIT a month or two ago. Dead Hebner crawls in and covers, 1, 2, 3. NOT THAT WAY NOT THAT WAY. Melodramatic Douche Pose. God, I hate UPN.

Final Thoughts: Sure got horrible at the end there. GOD DAMN IT HARDEE'S FETUS SHUT THE HELL UP.