DUH DUH DUH, DUH DUH DUH, LET THE BOYS BE BOYS. So I'm trolling the movie channels in search of softcore pornography and I find out this is on and I don't think it counts because it's got Brad from Home Improvement in it, which is not very arousing at all. Maybe he can convince Grandma to show her tits. Before he rapes her in Eagle County, Colorado. So I decided to rebeak it, awful though it must be, because when you're eating Cool Whip Lite straight out of the tub with a spoon, there's really nowhere to go but up. It has an exclamation point! It HAS to be good!

Backstory: Zachary Ty Bryan has far too many first names. He was the eldest of the many horrible sons on Home Improvement and probably the least likeable, which is really saying something. Being the least likeable person on Home Improvement is like being the most punchable member of the 3 Live Kru. Stiff competition. Zach can soon be seen in one of those terrible, terrible, terrible ESPN Original Movies. It is entitled "Code Breakers" and it is about Samoa Joe's shameful behavior in the X Division. Similarly, Sasha Mitchell, who is possessed of a hilarious girl's name, was Cody on Step By Step. Cody was like the breakout Balki/Urkel character, because he was retarded. Wait, Balki was ON that show. And Urkel wore a jetpack and crash-landed at their backyard barbecue. Fucked up. He also took the reigns of the Kickboxer movies as "David Sloan" when brothers "Kurt" and "Eric" were killed or whatever. It's all a big metaphor for the Angle Family. Side note: "Xian Chow" is what Christian Cage eats. And don't even get me started on the Vargas jokes.

What is this, TMC? We begin with a preview for some filthy Irish movie in which Chief O'Brien plays a role. "That Guy Thursday" shows movies featuring midcard actors who you always see and recognize but allegedly don't know the names of. The old commercial involved Sean Bean and really pissed me off. This Week: Some Broad, I Dunno. She was the female member of Hal Sparks' krazy kult in Dude, Where's My Car? I was more interested in Donkey Lips.

Did you really, really want to get into Ready To Rumble, but ultimately felt it was too highbrow? Then here's a special treat for you! IT HAAAS BEEEEGUN.

This movie was made by companies and individuals whom you have never heard of, and for good reason. UH-OH THAT GUY HAS A SKULL PAINTED ON HIS FACE AND HE IS SCREAMING. His shirt says "Special Forces," so I can only assume he's retarded. Second-rope crossbody onto some dude in bib overalls! Knife-edge chop, but Hillbilly Whoever no-sells and strikes back. HOLY FUCK IS THAT GROOTHUIS??? HUGE Iron Cross tattoo on the back. If only the "SCARRE" part was visible. Our scarres remind us Weekly Visitor's past is real. Sadly, I can get no confirmation, but I'm going to assume it's Grandpa Greg. Let's ask his ex-wife. So Misfit In Action gets whipped into the corner, where he slings up for a headscissors. Back elbow. Bad version of the Tiger Mask Flippy Thing. And then he gets killed by The Groo's clothesline. Groo-rilla press, but Josh Mathews drops behind and gets a hurricanrana. Into wheelbarrow suplex position for a forward bulldog. Our main characters arrive fashionably late. Home Improvement Kid's character is named "Derek." Never met a Derek I liked. He derides the wrestlers because HE WOULD DO MUCH BETTER HE IS SECOND GENERATION DESCENDED FROM TIM "THE TOOLMAN" TAYLOR. Mr. Skullhead runs into a Big Groot and sells it really fakefully. Derek continues to talk shit, but his friend "Jeff" is easily impressed. "That takedown was old-school, man!" Vintage Groothuis. Derek: "It takes more than a weak scissor move and a painted face if you wanna be a champion! It takes the master plan of a master mind!" Pause for marbles to fall out of his mouth. Oh, Home Improvement Douche has managerial aspirations. The lost art. And Jeff is his four-foot-nothin', a hundred and nothin' prodigy. Who will one day be "THE STAR OF THE BACK BAR" because this is taking place in some stupid Hooters or something. OH MAN NOW THEY'RE ALL FIRED-UP IN THE MANNER OF TRIPLE H, CHEST BUMP, CHEST BUMP. Spear by Groothuis. But Him Just A Little Guy retaliates with the BARREL ROLL! Back to the crowd, where some blacko shows up with The Kidcam and promptly gets put in The Masterlock by Jeff. How racist. I assume this is "TJ," because Marquise Wilson is a black person name. "Watch it, dildos! Man, this camera costs more than what y'all make in a year!" Oh, black people. So full of sass. Groothuis wants a suplex, but Non-Groothuis slips behind to hit yet another Barrel Roll. MOVESET, HELLO. TJ, to some whitey: "You still owe me ten bucks for The Rock poster I scored for you on eBay!" @Lx raking it in. Meanwhile, Skully hits a frog splash. Mourn ya 'til I join ya, holmes. I guess it was one of those Hit A Frog Splash matches, because he somehow won without getting a pin. There was no referee, come to think of it. GREG GROOTHUIS YOU ARE AN EMBARRASSMENT TO ALL THE WOMEN YOU HAVE EVER LOVED.

Here come "The Buckle Girls," who are like the Nitro Girls but with more buckles involved, I guess. They should be dressed like pilgrims. OH DEAR THAT ONE IS CLUMSY! ENDEARINGLY CLUMSY, ONE MIGHT SAY. Home Improvement Douche has a tool for her, if you see where I'm going. Hey, some fatass in a Mighty Ducks' Team USA jersey is dancing around. Our answer to Scott D'Amore. Asses are shook. HA, it actually IS a Mighty Ducks jersey, because it says "GOLDBERG" on the back. The producers probably thought it was a wrestling thing. From when Bill showed his amateur prowess at the '96 Olympics. Dummy suddenly forgets the routine. So dumb. I guess she's cute enough in that Traci Brooks/Morgan Webb ugly way. Derek: "Like an angel gliding on wings." SOUL OF A POET. I'd leave that shit in the capable hands of Jeff. Hardy. D'America hits the ring to announce the next match. This action is both "radical" and "in your face." Fatty brings out "The Slammer" (Sasha), who is apparently too BIG TIME to actually wrestle. He is "The Titan Of Fightin'," as well. Jeff: "IT'S SLAMMER TIME! YEAAAAH!" Stop. Slammer, to Fatty: "Slam me, baby, slam me!" This is all quite gay. Fatty with a Grisham-esque "MAAAAAIIIIN EVENT." It's "Switchblade" Rick Kaspers vs. "The Eradicator." Derek and Jeff: 'SWISHBLADE' PRICK KASPERS." They changed his name slightly in order to zing him, you see! Looks like Billy Idol. The Eradicator, on the other hand, is Luchador Kane. Derek and Jeff: "*exaggerated yawns*" Why do they even come to these? Smarks. Eradicator kicks and makes with the armbar. Whip, right into a sleeper! Now this is some 'rasslin'! Derek: "Dude, this is pure 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin!" Jeff: "Yeah, how 90's can you get?" Say what you will about them, but at least they don't like Austin. I don't think they like anything, though. Statler and Waldorf for the barroom wrestling set. Back suplex by Swishblade. Clothesline. Tilt-a-whirl headscissors. Corner whip reversed, but Shiny Kane runs into a boot. Swishblade heads for the top rope. Him: "*wink*!" Eradicator: "*acknowledge*!" WAIT, DON'T TELL ME THIS IS FIXED! Twisting senton splash, and Fatbody makes the three count from outside the ring. What a bad referee. Swishblade threatens The Slammer, who goes "*kiss* *wink*." What a gay. Derek: "Just remember, we watch, we learn, we conquer!" A THINKING MAN'S MANAGER.

Now they have to do dishes, because they work at this horrible, horrible place. OH SHIT THEIR BOSS IS ZEUS!!! The Anti-Hogan guy, not the Greek God. Cross-eyed son of a bitch. WHOA HEY CUT TO THE DRESSING ROOM FOR TITS FOR NO REASON. The Buckle Girls are getting nekkid, as instructed by their lord and ruler, Devastatin' Dave. All except for the one Home Improvement Ass has a boner for, because she is CLASSY. And the best-looking, in a "normal human being" sort of way. That's a fucking Too Cool poster back there. Well slap my momma. "Luci" has a girl boner for Swishblade, while "Fifi" wants to appear in Playboy. Like all the other hot bitches. THESE ARE IMPORTANT PLOT POINTS. Some other broad: "I would kill for one of your boobs." What an uncomfortable thing to say. Fifi has body issues. Better go vomit up your kibbles and/or bits. Speaking of boobs, D'America is allowed to just barge in and see naked chicks, I guess. GET OUT THERE, WAITRESSES. Look at the big inflatable Jim Beam bottle. James Storm would have a field day.

Outside of the ring, Swishblade dresses like a member of the Mean Street Posse. Some dude: "*sprinkles salt on some girl's neck and licks it off*" Eww! Luci is macking on Rick. We learn that Derek defeated him in 3-D chess in the 4th grade. OH MAH BRUTHA. One side is the white, and the other, the black. Trash is talked. Rick wants Tool Time to find out what's holding up his burrito. "I think that's something Derek can... manage." OH SWISHBLADE YOU ARE A CARD. Derek wants to make him eat crow but Z-Gangsta says we don't serve crow lol. His name is "Bubba," for the record. He can make anything taste good because is a valued member of The Krusty Krab. A SCHEME IS CONCOCTED. Derek retrieves a shitty turd from the Doberman which apparently guards the door, and Zeus cooks it into a burrito. A reverse Cousin Chewie. Rick is served delicious feces. AND HE EATS IT HAHA YEAH THAT'LL TEACH HIM TO HAVE MORE MONEY THAN US. Swishblade's blonde Kirsten Dunst-looking girlfriend arrives to that "OMG IN LOVE" musical sting that you always hear. In The Sims. Jeff has the proverbial boner for her. RECORD SCRATCH WHOO. Rick shoves Luci off his lap, and there we see a literal boner. BO-OI-OING YES SOUND EFFECTS MAKE THINGS BETTER. Girlfriend tries to eat the dirty burrito because she apparently can't buy her own damn food, and THIS CANNOT BE ALLOWED. So Derek gores Fifi into a big waitress collision. SWISHBLADE'S SWEATER IS RUINED. "This sweater cost more than you make in a year!" These guys sure don't seem to make much in a year. Sadly, everyone is herded to their respective corners before Home Improvement Douche can get an asskicking. He's tended to by Love Interest, who learns that he wants to be a manager. Derek: "I am the Vince McMahon of back bar!" In that he craps his pants. And serves it to people.

Rick and Not Kirsten Dunst iron things out in the parking lot. He wanted tonight to be "special." Retarded. Her, bitchily: "Special? What's so special about tonight? What, were you gonna surprise me with tickets to Smackdown! Oohoohoo!" ME-OW. Swishblade wants to give her a really shitty-looking pewter ring that allegedly belonged to his grandmother. IS GRANDMA CHEATING ON BRAD? Elsewhere, Derek and Jeff plot. They will only have one shot to take Rick out in the ring, so they must not miss their chance to blow. Let Us Take You to Derek's house, where's he taking a comical dump within earshot of his father, J. FUCKING PETERMAN. Stone Cold poster and Slipknot poster(s!) reveal a lack of taste. Chyna, as well! Peterman is planning a trip to the dark continent to pick up some Angora sweaters or something, so he attempts to give Home Improvement Douche a sex talk. Leave that thang alone. Derek's mother is Park Overall, the sassful southern nurse from Empty Nest. I guess her gimmick is crying a lot. Nice Samoan floral wallpaper in the bathroom, there. The sitcom parents leave. Mother's name is "Chastity," huh. Such a dysfunctional family Raven has. Her, huffing a bong: "I hope he doesn't find our stash." HILARIO.

Let's look at the crazy crap in Derek's room. Benoit, Iron Sheik, and Undertaker action figures. Why is Taker holding a tire? Tiny little Ultraman mask. Let's call up Jeff, who lives at a junkyard with his Uncle Mack, comin' to get it awwwwn. Mack is the afro'd dad from That 70's Show. Swishblade shows up to be HEEEEL. His real estate mogul father (Luther Reigns) is threatening to shut down the junkyard, because you couldn't have one of these dumbass movies unless the spunky underdogs had to band together to save something. "We'll get it anyway when the state seizes it. And that means you'll have to find a new place to train! To be a loser!" Why would he want to train in that? MAKE SENSE, KASPERS.

Derek and TJ chill poolside. TJ found the stash because black people are into that sort of thing. And Derek is reading "Big Bodacious Globes" or whatever the cover of that fine publication says. Very educational. Jeff shows up all pissed at Swishblade and beats up Farva's inflatable sex doll from Super Troopers. Falling into the pool in the process. This really IS Raven's family! Inside, where TJ procured a tape of Swishblade for these douches to study. These guys' goal is to get to "The Arena," where they can level up their familiars. TJ, on Swishblade: "He pounds everybody he fights!" Derek: "Yeah, it's because he never ever hits anybody!" With logic like that, he's destined to be a fine manager. It is determined that Jeff needs coaching, and TJ just so happens to have a blaze orange flyer on hand! Win a week of training with The Slammer. He stays at your house and everything. Sounds like a Crash Holly situation to me. "Winner Announced At 'The Cave' Match." WOOOOO I'LL SEE YOU IN THE STONE CAVE, FAT BOY! Derek devises a SCHEME(!!!) to win the drawing.

Back to the bar. The fat D'Amore guy is named "Champ" and he owns "Champ's." Also, he is here. And now he discovers Zeus jerkin' it to his mail-order bride catalog. "OHHH, DAMN IT, BUHBUHHHHHHH!!!" Keep your Death Raye in your pants. TJ's chatting up Love Interest for his White Girls Gone Wild video. Don't walk into an Orlando Jordan situation. Why does she wear socks on her wrists? TJ: "I'll make you famous!" Fifi's interested, but Bob Orton doesn't care what TJ does to that Frenchman. Woman. She's out. TJ: "DAYOM." On to Swishblade, who's bitching at Fatty about how The Slammer should pass the torch to the New Blood. Derek plots to switch the ballots in the stupid contest. More stupid shit occurs. Swishblade encourages Fatty to purchase Miss Bangkok because he has a thing for Anal Asians. Jeff and Rick get into it. Jeff: "You're like the Gilligan's Island of back bar! Goin' nowhere!" I didn't know islands were supposed to go someplace. Maybe drift a little bit. Rick: "Does that make you Ginger or Mary Ann?" BURNS APLENTY. Rick: "You pick the day, I'll supply the funeral." Hahaha, what? I think this man would make a good Space Invader.

I guess this is The Cave Match. Jeff gets beaten up by the Goth Girl guarding the ballot box, providing a DISTRACTION!!! "I'm gonna pound your ass into monkey butter!" Make sure somebody has a five-pound bag on hand. Derek mistakenly switches his fake ballots with The Slammer's fan mail, which was in a similar box wrapped in old Kroger's bags. For some reason. Derek realizes that he pulled the proverbial boner in regards to the contest. Now a wet t-shirt contest to determine who draws the winning entry, judged by the gay Slammer himself! Derek needs a new SCHEME(!!!!!), so he convinces Love Interest (Gina) to convince Fifi to enter the contest and use her sexy dog nipples to win. It will get her into Playboy somehow! Some idiot, on the wet t-shirt contest: "SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE!" Easy there, Big J. Fifi's wet t-shirting is accompanied by Ode To Joy. Because when I think of breasts, I think of Ludwig van Beethoven. One of my many sexual dysfunctions. Baby's got Bach. And so forth. I wonder if Luther Reigns composed an Ode To Joy in order to win her heart. I bet that joke's been used. So Fifi wins and uses SLEIGHT OF HAND to pull Jeff's name, we assume, but OH SHIT, ROLLERZ. Cops: "This is an illegal gathering! Disperse immediately!" Farva wants his love doll back. And a liter of cola. Gina: "I'll go get Fifi!" She's the Hiroko of this bunch.

Derek and Jeff end up drinking coffee somewhere the next morning. They tried to break into hotels and find The Slammer, only to suffer a class-three clowning. Said Slammer appears to be sleeping in their driveway, because he's got no place else to go. Nice leather Nash pants and green DX boots. Slammer knows about the ballot SCHEME(!), and yet he does not care. Slammer cleans out the fridge because he is homeless. Time for fruity Carlito drinks at the poolside bar. TJ is recruited to capture Swishblade's various heeleries on film. And Derek discovers The Slammer doing ballet because he is SUCH A GAY. There sure is a lot of classical music in this movie. Derek: "SLAMMER'S GAY?" I BEEN TELLIN' YOU, DAWG. Cut straight to a crotch grab as Slammer spars with Jeff. To the Masterlock we go. Derek is weirded out because all of these gay wrestling moves are made even gayer by The Slammer's gayness. Is he going to hit the Ass Crasher? Before we can find out, Fatass just wanders into the house unannounced. D'America uses his hockey connections to set up a match between Slammer and "Goon." To the pick-up truck we go. Derek sure is a homophobe. We find out that Slammer could have made it to "The Arena," but got all pissed off because they wanted him to lose and pay his dues and whatnot. BUT HE AIN'T INTO THAT FAKE SHIT. "I didn't want to do it phony. I like gettin' it on for real, man-to-man, you know what I'm sayin'?" LOL GAY. In the bar for more side-splitting double entendres about how Slammer's going to "pull it out" and Goon will "go down" and etc.

Derek decides to break Slammer's faggotry to Jeff. "Dont make me use the q-word, okay?" Quail? Quilt? Quintuplets? Slammer overhears and dispels the myth. Elsewhere, Rick is assgrabbing on Fifi before the watchful eyes of a Chris Jericho stand-up. TJ joins Y2J to make with the voyeurism. G-TV G-TV. Zeus lets Fatty know that he was outbidded by a German in his quest for a woman to purchase. ACHTUNG ACHTUNG. TJ takes The Kidcam to the parking lot, where Luci is given that busted old grandma ring OH SWISHBLADE YOU ARE A CAD. And now they doin' it. Bare male ass, hooray! Back inside, a big Samoan-looking fatty in a dress shirt and tie arrives. He turns out to be The Goon. He keeps enunciating very clearly and saying "heh," which makes him the only character I like. He wants to meet with The Slammer and rehearse their match, heh. Heh. Heh. IT'S A FAAAAAAKE! Derek: "Kinda nerdy." Jeff: "Heh."

The ladies' locker room has a Chyna stand-up. That one Buckle Girl is the brunette half of the fighting Less Filling/Tastes Great bitches that showed up at that one WrestleMania horribly. Fifi likes Zeus because he doesn't stare at her rack. CROSSEYES. Time for awkward dancing. TJ shows off his masterful pornography skills. There's the unmasked Eradicator with spiky red hair and a gay flame shirt that would embarrass Kanyon. Swishblade: "*Plaschke salute*" Derek and Jeff: "*returned, with added middle finger*" Champ gets in the ring because nothin' so sexay as a dancin' fat man. My quest to figure out why The Eradicator looks so familiar reveals him to be JESUS. JESUS, MOTHERFUCKERS. ERADICATING SATAN IN ALL FORMS. Lack of suspenders must have thrown me. Borrow Groothuis'.

HERE COMES THE TITAN OF FIGHTIN'. On the other hand, The Goon is "the gargoyle of back bar, the golem of the San Fernando valley..." Oh, maybe he's Jewish. Or maybe he just wants AJ Styles' ring. I'm fairly sure I remembering Jim Ross referencing this guy's name (Sylvester "Jive" Terkey) as someone Kurt Angle defeated for an amateur championship. Or Shelton, maybe. Somebody. So Slammer dodges Goon's eat attack and takes him down with a drop toehold. Side headlock, whipped off, and Goon wins the shoulderblock. Slammer is in terrible pain because a lifetime of bumps and bruises have made him a pill popper. Goon's elbowdrop misses. Slammer beats him up shittily. JESUS IS NOT IMPRESSED. Whip reversed by Goon, clothesline ducked, back elbow ducked, terrible spinning heel kickboxer kick by Slammer! Legbar! It's one of those Joke Submissions I've been hearing about! Goon reaches the ropes, then tries to walk out. Back in, kneelift by Terkey. And a headbutt. Scooped over the shoulder and driven into the Tree Of Woe. Kicky kicky. Boot choke. Out now for a back clubber. Over the shoulder again as Jesus looks on... slammed down. This match is of poor quality. Is Goon asking "Who's mad?" ARE YOU KIP JAMES? Goon goes up top for a somersault senton, but Slammer evades. Forearm shots. Bad dropkick! And Goon falls to the floor. It's over. What is this, Royal Rumble rules? Stupid illegal matches. Slammer gives Indy Respect to his opponent.

The cops show up and ticket Fatty for an illegal display of awful wrestling. If it happens again, his bar will thankfully be closed. Rick's girlfriend is back. I guess her character is "Shane Masters," which is pretty funny. DID YOU NOT KNOW THAT SHE IS THE WO-MAN? We find Zeus passed out in the girls' locker room, but I imagine it was a ruse to see tits, because here are tits. BO-OI-OING, BONER. Shades of Growing Pains. Shane ends up seeing the tape of Swishblade's infidelities. YOYOYOYOYO BOOM BOOM BOOM. She decks him. And down he goes. What a pussy. Jeff goes after Shane. Oohoohoo. The Goon is wandering to and fro when he overhears Swishblade and Jesus' heel plot to invade Derek's upcoming party. C'mon, man, water into wine, it'll be great. Dig the spanish guitar music. Rick, offering up a wad of cash: "Trash those assholes." Jesus: "*nod*" FUCK 'EM UP, JESUS!!!

And now the pool party. Bikinis come off. Slammer gets funkay with Luci and Less Filling Girl. Anything to prove his straightness. Goon drinks J. Peterman's fine wines because he is a discerning gentleman. Goon: "Full body. Nice finish." Derek: "Well, for god's sake, please do not touch the Bordeaux, okay?" Goon: "I didn't see a Bordeaux. *looking*" The Goon is awesome. Gina spills shit on Home Improvement Douche, allowing them to get naked and do the dirty deed. Eww, she's licking salsa or whatever off his face. Vomit. So they fucked. And fucked. And whatever is going on there. Speaking of Masters, here are Shane and Jeff. He ices her busted knuckles in the beer cooler. ROMANCE. And they dance. While Derek and What's Her Name are gettin' bizzay on the washing machine. Some foreign broad starts hitting on Fatty. IT IS HER FIRST AMERICAN PARTY. Who the hell decided that this Big Load deserved a subplot? He boo hoos about the loss of his slave-wife. "She ran off with a German shepherd!" On to dog-fucking humor. Spit take! This movie has it all! Derek and Gina try to make sex in his stupid Slipknot room, but Slammer is already intercoursing the Buckle Girls.

JESUS IS HERE, SINNERS! REPENT! REPENT!!! I'm digging the flame shirt ensemble more and more. The man has style. Shoving some dick into the pool! Now he bumps one douche into another douche and caps off a big fight. Whilst smirking about it. I love Jesus. UH-OH, somebody collars him and chucks him down! It's The Goon! THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST SCENE IN THE HISTORY OF CINEMA! Goon advances in his fucking tie and slacks, right into Jesus' CROTCH KICK! Jesus: "This is for real, punk! This ain't none of your fake crap!" JESUS IS TOO LEGIT TO QUIT! Haymaker ducked, and Jesus tears ass. Into a drink cart goes Goon. Tossed over the couch! And Jesus repeatedly clubs the shit out of him from behind. Choked by the tie! Never even in it. Derek SPRINGS INTO ACTION with one of Storm's breakaway bottles! Smashed over Jesus' head! NO SELL! Jesus: "YOU ARE STUPID!!!" Hahahahaha. This is magnificent. Carlito's heavy is about to wallop Zachary Ty Bryan, which would be all I could ever ask for in life, but Goon grabs him from behind. Dumb clumsy girl grabs a lamp and accidentally hits Goon all dumb and clumsily. But here is the half-naked Slammer. Jesus: "I been waitin' a long time for this, pretty boy!" LAY YOUR VENGEANCE UPON HIM. Slammer heaves him into a SPINEBUSTER ON THE COFFEE TABLE! NACHOS EVERYWHERE! THE CARNAGE! Slammer and Jesus strangle each other. Jesus gropes for a Bud Light bottle! WHACK to the head, and now he's on top! Homosexuality is a grievous sin! TJ is taping all of this because he knows I'm going to want a copy of it. Slammer manages to pitch Jesus off. Running tackle by Jesus, and Clumsy Bitch uses all the spinning Chun-Li moves she suddenly developed to open the sliding plate-glass door before they go through it. And Slammer launches Jesus into the pool. BOO! No way would Cody beat Jesus. I must "suspend" my disbelief.

Shane and Jeff have gone somewhere and missed the best thing ever. Lame talking and stuff. GET SEXIN'. Jeff: "I don't want to be invisible." Don't do what John Cena does. Donny Don't. Jeff only wrestles to impress this bitch, apparently. He'll never make it in the X Division. Making out. Now it's the next morning, as Fatty learns his mail-order bride friend stood her slavemaster up at the altar. That other guy was handsome and rich, but she wanted a big fat fucking slob in a Mighty Ducks jersey. And he gives her his jean jacket hat. NOW THEY ARE MARRIED! MAKES PERFECT SENSE! J. Peterman and Jay Sherman's Girlfriend arrive home to find their house wrecked apart by the wrath of Jesus. Derek: "Dad, what are you doin' home?" Peterman: "Is that where I am? I thought I was in BEI-ROOT!" Liu Bei-Root. His voice cracked. It was kind of funny. Derek's mom passes out at the sight of Chun Li in her brar. 'Twas too sexy. HER BRAR, COLE. I'm going to talk like Tazz. Peterman lays down the law, causing Derek to do a dramatic gulp. He really IS the Vince McMahon of back bar wrestling! Momz discovers The Slammer and his large penis in the shower. Isn't that Vivaldi? This movie is seriously weird. Slammer: "Can I have a towel?" SURE THING, SAMOA JOE. Peterman mourns his Bordeaux. Jesus can probably make you some more. Slammer comes downstairs in a Monty Brown-print towel, and it turns out Peterman is a huge fan. "HE'S THE TITAN OF FIGHTIN'!" So everything's cool. Derek: "*Samoa Joe telephone pantomime*"

Over to the junkyard, where Uncle Mack is looking for people to shoot because he has A GUN ON HIS PANTIES. Swishblade tries to get him to sell the property until Mack busts a cap in some rats. Jeff and Shane arrive. Rick tries to provoke him into throwing a punch and getting sued, but nay. I feel that the role of Swishblade should have been filled by Mark Jindrak. Rick: "All I hear is a clucking sound. *sniff* And I can smell the fear on you." THERE ARE NO CHICKENS ON THE SERENGETI. He says the fight's off. So Jeff ignorantly puts up the junkyard against Uncle Rodney Mack's tax debt. BACK TO MURDERING RATS. To the sports bar, where Fatty's doing sit-ups fatly. He refuses to hold any more matches. So Derek decides that the big match will be held at the junkyard. Time for a montage!!! Shit is cleaned up. Slammer teaches Jeff to be not shitty. Gina and Derek fall down together because they are IN LOVE. Uncle Mack goes after rats. Making out. Bleh. Flyers are distributed. And that's over.

Slammer reveals to Jeff that the match with Goon was fixed. AWW DISAPPOINTMENT. Slammer bitches about all his injuries before popping some more pills. He's broke. "Man, I hold these contests just so I can find a place to crash!" CRASH. Here's some BIG-TIME bitch from "The Arena." Susie? TJ: "DAYYYYOM, Luscious Lola, I can't believe it, dawg!" She whups on Slammer. Comedy. Cut to some late-night junkyard barbecue, which I assume Urkel will crash with his jetpack. CRASH. Slammer gets all depressed about what a fake broke hack he is. He and Lola discuss their shady past. "You told the biggest promoter in the business that you wouldn't dress up in clown make-up and dance at his party." So he was pegged to be Doink, was he? MAKING OUT BLARG. Derek thanks Gina for believing that he could "do it" despite the fact that he hasn't done anything this entire fucking movie. MORE MAKING OUT BLARG.

Fight day, I guess. Jeff surveys the ring as Uncle Mack turns up in his army dress uniform. Jeff: "I'm gonna make you proud of me tonight, Uncle Mack." Uncle Mack: "Negative, solider. That mission's already been accomplished." NOW MAKE OUT. Nighttime. Buckle Girls dance in cowboy hats. I am sorry about their damn luck. By which I mean dancing at a fucking junkyard. Jeff and Shane make out, as is their wont. Catwoman wrestles some schoolgirl. "The Black Pussycat" and "Naughty Nancy Napalm" or something equally retarded. "The girl who puts the 'con' in confession!" There's somebody we should introduce her to. Derek's mom shows up incognito in a trenchcoat. Flasher. Catwoman wins via strangulation with her whip, because I'm sure you were on the edge of your seat. JESUS IS BACK! He tries to crash the event without paying, because that's how he rolls. Uncle Mack makes him cough it up via pistols. Holy shit, The Slammer's wearing a Dick Jacket, more or less. Lola is introduced. "Pretty in pink! She's a female missing link!" What a complimentary thing to say about a woman. She calls Slammer "sexy pants." Female Tazz. Homophobic Derek is giving Jeff a backrub and talking about "handling" him. Hug! Fags! And then they get all weirded out about it.

Some fan flashes The Slammer, because we hadn't seen breasteseses in awhile. JESUS IS LURKING. And chewing gum. Slammer's outfit has many bedazzled stars and is seriously awful. Swishblade gets his introduction and prepares to rock the cradle of pain. Cutting off his wifebeater with a knife! Haha, that was queer. At least Hogan tore it himself. Here's "Madman Jeff." Big J. Lockup, gut punches by Swishblade. Whip, clothesline. Fatty's Wife cannot bear to look. Weird swinging neckbreaker by Rick, but Jeff comes back with a backdrop. Jesus don't like it! Swishblade turns a side slam into a tilt-a-whirl headscissors. Rushing in, but Jeff drop toeholds him. Anklelock! I guess there are no rope breaks under Dirty Junkyard Rules, so Rick has to kick him in the face. Punching away. Going up top for a moonsault, which hits really fakily! But Rick steps on his own baggy pants and trips like a dumbshit. It's enough for Jeff to throw a ridiculous uppercut that flips Swishblade through the air about 7,000 times. Jesus is PAINED. And here he comes! Axehandle off the top! Derek's mom, tragically unable to trash talk, calls him "a mean sandwich." Jesus looks to continue his assault, but Slammer makes the save. Clothesline ducked, front dropkick to the chest, and out goes Jesus. Lola chairs him for good measure. Back to the match. Swishblade: "I'm gonna pound you like a roach!" You're in the habit of... pounding roaches? Lockup, whip by Jeff, another backdrop. MOVESET, PLZ. He finally hits the over-the-shoulder powerslam Slammer had been trying to teach him. 1, 2, 3. So now we're counting pins? What was Home Improvement Douche's role in this movie, exactly? Uncle Mack and Ms. Masters are proud. Swishblade says his pops is still going to take the junkyard, but this event raised the faces enough money to keep it. Plaschke salute for Mack.

Back to Peterman's house. Jeff's retiring, so Derek will manage Slammer in "The Arena." Yeah right. Harvey Whippleman you ain't. Peterman wants to know what happened, and his wife, now a slutty ring rat, fills him in via flashing. Not that we get to see any middle-aged tits. Curses. Ode To Joy again! Slammer with the telephone pantomime! Horrid.

Credits!!! "Skull: Brian Kendrick"(!!!!!) "Fat Opponent: Greg Groothius". HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHAHAH HE WASN'T EVEN FAT HAHAHA

Final Thoughts: Barrel Rolls and everything, and I still didn't figure out that it was Spanky. That was a great movie, in a really terrible sort of way. If you're a fan of Jesus getting hit with a bottle, no-selling, and yelling "YOU ARE STUPID," I highly recommend it.