Aired August 3, 2002
Rebeaker: TNM
Much like my idol The Cubs Fan did back in the day, I have decided to take it upon myself to rebeak all kinds of crazy crap. Besides, JR and Lawler endorsed Slamball, and Lord knows that those two fine gentlemen would never steer me wrong!
It's "Slammin' Saturday Night" on the GNU TNN! They didn't learn their lesson from the XFL! AT ALL! Slamball is preceded by some rodeo. Haha, that bull is named "Final Fantasy". Geekiest bull evar. A "Canadian cowboy" (mooseboy?) wins. The Unamericans will be pleased. Yukon John says he's glad God gave him the ability to ride bulls. Seriously.
Batshit insane millionaire and former Philadelphia 76ers owner Pat Croce welcomes us to the SLAMBALL PREMIERE! If Mark Cuban represents everything good about crazy millionaires, and he does, Pat Croce is the anti-Mark Cuban. Slamball opening features a bunch of guys bouncing around in stupid uniforms.
Jesus, there's a Slamball rink. A gaggle of jerks pound on the glass. The game is apparently played on a basketball court with four trampolines in the shape of a control pad on either end. Host "Pat Parnell" tells us that this sport is like a train wreck of basketball, football, hockey, lacrosse, and gymnastics. He introduces other host and two-time NBA all-star "Reggie Theus". I'm a sports fan and I've never heard of this dude in my entire life.
SLAMBALL FACTX 2 THE EXTREEM: 4 on 4. Full contact. 15 second shot clock. 3 points for a slam. 16 minute games. Face-Offs when there's a foul. Our two teams are the "Diablos" in black and the "Mob" in blue. They don't even pretend to affiliate the teams with cities.
STARTING LINEUPS WOW!!! The Diablo's spiritual leader is "Mason Gordon" (THE THIRD), the inventor of Slamball. I hate him already. He's at the "gunner" position, which is fake. Like Croce, he also appears to be some sort of eccentric rich man. I dub him the Shane McMahon of Slamball. The Mob's tribal warlord is "Sean Jackson" AKA "INCHES". What an intimidating nickname. You don't care who the coaches are, do you? Of course you don't.
The Mob also has a player named "Lamonica". He's male, surprisingly enough. Wait, the DIABLOS are in blue and the Mob is in black. What the fuck is that? This "Inches" character constantly has a shoelace or strip of beef jerky or small animal's tail or something dangling from his mouth. The players are wearing goofy foam-looking helmets that were probably designed for people with "special needs". Dude, you're indoors, you don't need eyeblack. Haha, the fat, mustachioed ref also has a retard helmet.
The BALL is SLAMMED down for a jump ball and we're off. Like a full minute of them springing around moronically and missing slam dunks. Slamball involves a lot of falling down, I think. Dunk for the Diablos finally. The area inside the trampolines is called "the island". I thought you should know that.
Wow, this sucks. DA MOB takes the lead with a lay-up and dunk. The announce idiots spout insightful commentary such as "OH THEY CALL HIM THE MACHINE HE'S LIKE AHHHNOLD BECUZ HE KEEPS COMIN' UNTIL YOU'RE DEAD." You can kill people in this sport? Sweet. Somebody got fouled. RULE: NO CONTACT WITH AIRBORNE PLAYER ENTERING TRAMP. Heh. "Entering tramp".
Fouls result in a one-on-one dunk situation. The Diablo guy converts it. The offensive team gets the ball back after their foul attempt. I don't know why I'm bothering to mention these awful rules. Somebody calls a timeout and sideline reporter "MAESTRO CLARK" is on hand to be "ethnic" and talk jive with Pat Croce. "Look out there, you see Michael Jordan-esque moves from guys you've never heard of before!" Yeah, Pat. Yeah.
Another foul, and Inches BREAKS SOME OFF FO YO AZZ. "Filthy Finesse" is said. 17-15 in favor of the Mob. INCHEZ drains a three-point shot. Then he throws down an admittedly sweet dunk. "OHHH HE GAVE 'EM THE MCNASTY THE REVERSE CORKSCREW THROUGH THE LEGS 360" etc etc. "That's the best dunk you'll ever see!" Wow, I guess there's no reason for us to keep watching Slamball, then.
White boy blocks some other white boy. Slamball apparently resembles "a live-action video game". Hmm. Maybe an XBOX game. Whitey gets schooled. Oh, that's the guy that invented the game. You'd think he could have made up a fake sport he's good at. Whitey #2 dunks. "OH BOOTY CALL!" "I CAN HEAR DAT ASS FLAPPIN' FROM HERE!" There's nothing I can add to that.
Did they call that dunk the "Jedi Jamstep?" Christ. 3 fouls mercifully ejects you from this game, and INCHEZZZ already has 2. The Father of Slamball completely chokes on an open slam dunk. Oh, that's the end of the half. The Mob's up 32-25. An announcer refers to the game as a "mess", and I agree.
Extreme close-up on Croce's creepy old face as he yells. Terrifying. "It's off da hook!".
Commercials. RBK are just some sexy shoes. They're not your boy... shoes. MaXXX Painty is a big fan of Slamball. "Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan" Director's Edition comes out tomorrow? Why? Toby Keith is a real life Diamond Dallas Page.
Halftime! In the locker room, the coaches pretend like this is a real sport. I'm going to guess that the thing dangling from INCHEZZZZZ' mouth is a watch strap, but that's unconfirmed. Uh oh, that guy got bleeped! Here's a look at the standings. Six teams are in the "USU", the other four being the Slashers, Bouncers, Rumble, and Steal. I think I'm going to be a Slashers fan. I bet they write slash fiction.
Here are some clips about how Mason Gordon's drug-addled dream became a reality. Hahaha, look at that fake-ass "draft". YEEEY KISS YO BABY MAMA, SON, YOU GOT DRAFTED INTO THE FINEST SLAMBALL LEAGUE THERE EVER WUZ.
Now here's some profile of "ZZZZZ (INCHES). That looks like a caterpillar. "ZZZZZ. Cute. Oh wow, Inches was in that Nike freestyle commercial! Wow. WOW. "The Allen Iverson of Slamball!" Does that mean he makes terroristic threats? Although I don't think Allen Iverson always has a piece of shit hanging out of his mouth.
Ugh, second half. I thought there'd at least be a commercial break. Mason Gordon really sucks. He rejects his white counterpart on the foul shot, though. The "Popcorn Effect" is a foul that occurs when the defense prevents an offensive player from bouncing on the stupid trampoline. INCHEZZZZEZEZZEZ fouled out! GOODBYE INCHES I'LL NEVER FORGET THIS TIME WE SHARED.
The Jamie Noble/wigger-looking guy dunks for the Mob. Oh no, he's down! He got slapped in the face, I guess. Now there's a scrum and some white guy loses his plastic space helmet. The Diablos pull to within 2. On the sidelines, Inchez chews nervously on his piece of shoe leather. Offensive foul on the Diablos. I guess there's charging in Slamball. Timeout.
Commercials. I guess the Hollywood Stuntman died because they've switched to that "buckle up" commercial. KUNG POW ON DVD! YAHOO. Don't stop drinking Citrona or bad things will happen to you. Resident Evil on DVD. It has meatdogs. Horrible Dell guy pals around with some dork named Skip. Wow, I've seen Max Payne, Stuntman, and now GTA III. The trifecta.
We're back. Some guy commits a turnover for standing in the "island" area for 3 seconds. 20-second timeout. The Diablos' coach requests that his team "play great defense". What a strategist! A million missed shots. The Diablos take the lead with just over two minutes to go. Did that man just say "Robbins put his sac in Gordon's cheek"???
It's tied up. Now the Mob leads by 3. They finally start trying to tackle each other. There's the buzzer. The Mob wins 58-56. Horable. "MAESTRO" talks to Jason Williams Jr. over there. The inventor of the game is voted "LEAST VALUABLE PLAYER". Jobber. There's more of this crap next, as the Steal take on the Rumble. These team names aren't even really nouns!
Commercials. Max Payne may be related to unemployed developmental wrestler BJ Payne. Greased Lightning Instant Engine Treatment offers a "Money Back Guaranty". I think that says volumes about this particular product. RUNTELDAT RUNTELDAT EVEN ON TNN I CANNOT ESCAPE RUNTELDAT. Mini-Me makes me angry. FOSTAHS AUSTRALIAN FOR BEEEAAAHHH.
The Rumble are in ugly green and the Steal are in uglier yellow. "Dion Hayes" AKA "BIG DUKE NASTY" is the Rumble's chief executive officer. The Steal have a Jewish guy with crazy hair. Also "Robert Grogan". Grogan. Heh.
I guess the Rumble are supposed to be really good. But the Steal take the jump ball. Slam by some green guy. Three-pointer for some yellow guy. Rabbi Goldman gets his dunk blocked. "Goldman hasn't been that intimidated since his bar mitzvah!" Dude, I was already had the Jewish joke niche filled. Get the F out. Nice alley-oop to some Rumble guy. "I'm gonna call it the alley-OUCH!" O, the cleverness.
Shaq Jew gets crushed into the boards. Now he's injured already. Jeez. He's still alive, so we continue. Tied at 6. Sideline reporter "Jamie Little" tells us how the poor Jewish kid got his head sat on by a large gentleman. He's okay and he'll be back, though. Jew Legit 2 Quit. Hahahahaha. I am totally entertaining myself with my offensive comments. Timeout.
Commercials. Champions ride Hondas? If you say so, Honda. Taco Bell has a crappy new dish just for you. GTA THREEEEE. Where's the goddamned Fellowship of the Ring on DVD commercial, TNN? I know you showed it during the stupid rodeo.
I'm bored. A white fellow hits for three. And yet another three for the Steal. Rule: Tie-Up always goes to the defense. Kthx. Goldman magically reappeared in the game to dunk the ball. The first half ends with the Rumble leading 26-20. The sideline reporter talks to some guy in a bandana.
Halftime. Some garbage about the Rumble's coach. He was a high school basketball coach who locked his undefeated team out of the gym for bad grades or something. He also put up a sign that said "ALL PLAYERS REPORT TO THE LIBERRY". "God is a Slamball fan... and he loves the Rumble." Wow, now my Jewish jokes look inoffensive by comparison. Thanks, crazy dude!
Commercials. ARR BEE KAY. Buy a Bowflex and get RIPPED. Did you know Goldberg has an informercial for some piece of exercise crap called the "POWER BASE" or something like that? They show a lot of clips of him beating up Bret Hart. The Slamball players aren't jumping 30 feet, you damn liar.
Second half. I need a drink. Also, I think this Velocity idiot said Kidman is from Florida. Oh yeah, Slamball. The Steal tie the score. Turnover. You can't have two players in the "island" at the same time or two players on the same "tramp" at the same time. Tramp. Dr. J(ew) sinks one from downtown. Now he sets up some other guy for a dunk. The Steal have taken an 8 point lead.
BIG DUKE NAZZZTY is hurt. Now he's fine. He misses his foul attempt. Oh, the game's over again. The Steal win 40-34. WHAT AN UPSET, APPARENTLY. Their coach says a lot of stuff about "loose balls".
Next week, Slashers vs. Steal and Bouncers vs. Rumble. I won't be here. WILL YOU??? Probably not.
Final thoughts: Worse than the XFL. WORSE. THAN. THE. X. F. L.