Pre-Experience: So, hey, the cable went out. There I am, minding my own Big Business, still with about an hour left to go on the treadmill, and Insight Communications HANGS ME OUT TO DRY. One minute, Michael Smith is putting the sassdown on Stat Boy, and then, BOOM, STATIC. Static, Boy. I wanted to see what excuses Kornheiser made for HIS BOY the Camp Counselor failing to win a gold medal, too. I am furiously, furiously angry right now. Embarrassingly so. There's a good chance I'll miss all my gay weekend cartoons and wrestling programs, so here's A Very Special Episode of WWE Experience. Also, here's an impression of my mother: "DUH, LET'S GET A SATELLITE DISH!!! WE NEED 300+ CHANNELS! FOR PLEEEZURE! WE TOTALLY NEED TO BE ABLE TO WATCH THAT MEXICAN WRESTLING THAT THE CUBS FAN LIKES! OOPS GUESS WE FORGOT TO PAY THE REGULAR CABLE BILL HUH HUH HUH LOOK IT'S A BEAVER."

I will kill every one of you.

It's true that JG forces me to rebeak this show. Even the fake ones. He has my jewel. I'm an octoroon. Nah, in Tony Reality, I just like to be able to make my little bad jokes about the Smackdown brand. Here they come. Batten down the hatches.

Hosts I've Got My Eyes On Your Spot, Mathews and I Need A Horse Tranquilizer are LIVE, FROM THE FUTURE in Bradshaw's hometown. He built that city on stooocks and bonnnds. Todd and Ivory sloppily eat gyros while sitting in the back of "Sheik" Shawn Divari's taxi. They soon arrive at Rucker Park, where Todd pays the Sheik with a handful of Canadian beaver nickels. "YOU ARE VERY VERY BAD MAN!!!" Divari shouts before crashing his cab into Chuck Palumbo's garbage truck. Shark Boy arrives with the Jaws of Life.

Here's a package of all the fucking bullshit that happened on RAW, set to a heavy metal rendition of "The Farmer In The Dell". Coach died. It's been a bad week for the more entertaining halves of weekend duos. I'm surprised Boobermonkeys hasn't been jumped yet.

Commercials. A paid advertisement from Kenzo Suzuki. "Amelica: Ruv It Or Reave It!" Whatchoo think of that, Al-Qaeda?

Back to The Rucker. We find Mark "J Is For" Jindrak shooting some b-ball outside of the school. Todd dons his neon orange headband and challenges him to a little game he likes to call "H-O-R-S-E". The Reflection of Perfection gets "H-O-R-S" (HAHA, WHORES) before making a dramatic comeback to win. He and Todd put aside their differences and start making out to the lilting strains of Hootie & The Blowfish's "Hold My Hand". With a little love. And some tenderness.

From Smackdown, it was Game 2 of the Subway Series. John Cena prefers the turkey club, but Booker goes for the chicken teriyaki. Kenzo got him hooked on the stuff. Booker was like "Whatchoo think of this sub, Ken-zo?" and Kenzo was all "I RUV AMELICAN HAMBLURGER SLANTWICHES!" I'm just saying the first thing that pops into my head at this point. It's like Word Association Time up in this piece.

Commercials. If your nickname is Big Unit, pat yourself on the back. With your Big Unit. If Barry Horowitz had been able to do that, he would have been a star.

The Kibbles 'N Bits Slam of the Week features Gail Kim on the set of Anal Asians 19: Hong Kong Screwy.

Our hosts ride around on a garbage scow. Todd is dressed like a Sailor Scout, while Ivory wears a gorilla suit. She kicks it to A Very Special Segment while Grisham makes out with the Statue of Liberty.

WWE cameras followed Paul London and his coach Fred Savage as they arrived at the Video Game Championships to play the never-before-seen Super Mario Brothers 3. London: "I love the Power Glove. It's so... bad." Sadly, Paul was edged out by John Cena and his lucky Kid Icarus throwback jersey. Cena: "TANOOKI SIZZOOT IN DA HIZZOOOUUUUSE!!!" Rhymes included plumbing/cumming, Koopa/poop-a, Luigi/balls, and fire flowers/golden showers. Then Cena mounted a dinosaur and performed a drive-by shooting with his Light Zapper. It's tough growing up in the 'hood.

Commercials. As it turns out, JG sired the Williams sisters. Shaniqua is his tallll glass of chocolate milk. In related news, Super Asia got amorous with Scott D'Amore to produce Petey Williams. Do you think D'Amore is all "ahh, ahh, ahh, ahhh" when he reaches the peak of sexual excitement?

I am so, so sorry.

Smackdown Letdown. I also hated that Stewie sign. I dislike Family Guy for the same reasons that Hooker disliked The Simpsons. Somebody call Josh Mathews' mother and tell her that her son is NEVER COMING HOME. First my fictional boss, and now my fictional boyfriend. WOULD YOU LIKE TO KICK MY FICTIONAL DOG, HEIDENREICH??? His name is Wigglepuppy. Sorry, Hooker. I'm burning all my Anytime Minutes by calling Little Joshie in the hospital. Hey, do you think Little Jonny was meant to be Cena? COULD BE, COULD BE. Heidenreich's going to work a ventriloquist/dummy gimmick with him. You heard it here first. And only. The Cena puppet will be like "Yo, yo, yo, is The Chuckle Hut ready to make some noize!?!?" Then he'll lay down some fresh rhymez while Heidenreich drinks a glass of water.

Todd and Ivory visit Josh in the hospital. Grisham signs his cast, then hits him in the head with a bedpan. Ivory takes a lot of morphine.

Carlito Caribbean Cool vignette. He kicks back a few blue martinis with "Dangerous" Dan LeBatard. Welcome to Miami.

Commercials. For TV shows, no doubt. I remember when I used to have TV. Those were the days.

The Maker's Mark Bourbon Whiskey Rewing is when Kane ordered the Pikmin midgets to fix him a ham sammich, but The Rock was unconsssserned. Then Lita sat in pie.

Todd and Ivory are mauled by Canadian polar bears at the Brooklyn zoo.

Back to RAW, where Randy Orton tunneled too deep and awoke a Balrog of Morgoth. His name was Dave. They went to a Cardinals game together, but Tyson Tomko got the hook in the 4th inning after giving up six runs. He's since been traded to the Giants. I think.

Commercials. Dr. Angus performs an abortion in a back alley.

It's time to say goodbye. Todd and Ivory strip off their suits of armor and have sex right there in front of God and everybody. They wave happily to us, floating away on a hot air balloon fueled only by THE POWER OF TRUE LOVE. "IVORY'S CLOTHING COURTESY: Victoria's Secret, Monty Brown Collection". Victoria's secret is that the Mystery Woman is actually Stevie. Shh. Keep it under your jaunty hat.

Final Thoughts: I've clearly been driven insane. It's a Michael Cole in The Legendary Cow Palace situation. The satellite dickheads allegedly come on Monday, so stay out of my angry, angry way until then. No touch-a the Kwee-Wee. Deep breaths, TNM. Relax. Frankie Says Relax. Frankie Kazarian. He's my Friend From The Future.

ALSO: I better not fucking miss Heat. Don't take away my perfect attendance plaque, Mr. Richards!!!

*extended period of sobbing*