LOLASTER ROCKET WILL BUST A CAP IN YOUR ASS. Why the hell couldn't my last name have been "Rocket"??? It's only one letter off, and yet it's about fifty times more awesome! I'm going to go ahead and claim this guy for my family tree, regardless.

Yeah, it's another temporary roster change. Roll with it, baby. Just lie back and think of England. Mmm, William Regal.

I got my racist Shelton Benjamin shirt today! Now there will no longer be any stopping me until somebody dies. ShopZone products appear to ship from "Shelton, Connecticut." Is that not the single most adorable thing you've ever heard in your entire life?

It doesn't fit that well, though. But if the prospect of wearing a dragon on my shirt isn't enough incentive to lose more weight, then I deserve to be a fat fucking slob. That logo doesn't even make sense anymore, seeing as that move is never called. Useless-ass announcers.

YES! RAW 69! HAW HAW HAW! I KNEW I'D BE BACK SOMEDAY! LOLASTER MOTHERFUCKING ROCKET!!!

Seriously, I'm praying to God that he's my long-lost uncle or something. I would call him "L.O.L." for short!

Alright, RAW's on, everybody shut up. Loudmouths.

Nobody likes the Bischoff head.

RAW opening. Eww, Snitsky's tongue.

OH NO, is that the Chuck Palumbo Fan??? Red cap, mechanic's shirt? Oh, they're in Texas, so maybe not. I think he's a California guy. Tonight, Christy faces Trish in an arm-wrestling match. Shawn Michaels versus Muhammad Hassan. Stop hitting yourself, Shawn. And the Triple H/Batista Face Off. Lawler: "The World Heavyweight Champion and the #1 Contender meet in the ring tonight, nose-to-nose!" Where's Batista going to stand? OH HO BIG NOSE.

A Wigger From The Mean Streets hosts the Highlight Reel. There's a really girly briefcase suspended above a ladder. Jericho brings up the first Undisputed Champion thing. He promises to win the Monkey In The Bank match. The first of tonight's two guests is No Liver Soldier. Handshake. The second is Too Fat For His Shirt. He had to cut the sleeves off because of his fat arms. Another handshake. Jericho calls his segment "THR" like a retard. He lets Benoit and Benjamin know that friendships will not apply once that monkey is set loose. Benoit thinks he is hungrier than Jericho. Pie-eating contest. Go. Shelton also believes he is the hungriest of all hippos. He's a strapping young lad. Benoit and Jericho have been World Champion, whereas Shelton has not. "Hell, I'm starvin'!" For less than the price of a cup of coffee a day, you can buy Shelton Benjamin a Twix bar. "And unlike anyone else in this match, I'm the only one who currently knows something about being champion." Oh no he dinnat.

Cue the fabulous music of Hungry For Leftover Peeps, who is accompanied by Hungry For Kix. "You know, you're all out here talkin' about bein' hungry, but you don't look hungry to me. In fact, you look full! FULL OF CRAP!!!" "You Suck" chant. Christian thinks he has the most incentive to win because he's the underdog who never, ever wins. Just like last year's WrestleMania, where he beat Jericho despite nobody pickin' him. "Can you just imagine, just picture for a second, what I would do when Captain Charisma wins his first ever World Heavyweight Title match, can you imagine what I'd do?" Shelton: "Probably get YO' ASS WHUPPED by Triple H or Batista!" Heh. Jericho goes the "C.L.B." route again, which is only slightly lamer than "Captain Charisma." Christian: "Well, I got a flash for ya, joyboys!" He has not one but TWO WrestleMania ladder match victories. "That's how I roll!" That brings out Fish Are Hungry For Forbidden Worms to remind his brother companion that he also had a hand in those matches. I like Edge's music now, too. Just play me a shitty song five times and I will like it. Christian relinquishes the mic and slaps Tomko's boob without incident. "I, uh, I hate to break it to ya, Christian, but you're not the only one that has two ladder match victories at WrestleMania. Y'see, I do too, from when you and I were a tag team." This year, he'll be winning a third on his own. Like the three faces, Edge has made history, been IC champion, and broken his frickin' neck. He's getting a tad crazy. "And I will snap each and every one of your necks if that's what it takes to win my chance at the World Heavyweight Championship." Benoit: "Not if I break yours first!" OMG ATTAX! Jericho takes Tomko. Cherry-picker. And he's the last face to eject his heel. La-a-ame! Let's take a break and then hopefully have a six-man. That was cool.

Commercials. The Office probably sucks. We ruin everything, us Yanks.

Yeah, the match has already started. Bischoff apparently made it during the commercial. Edge rakes Jericho's eyes and brings in Christian. Kick, punch, kick, punch. Overhand chop in the corner, punch, slap. Christian puts the sassmouth on him, pissing Jericho off. He takes him down for mounted punching. Whip, running back elbow by Jericho. Delayed vertical suplex. C'mon Baby pin, 1, 2, no. Tag to Benjamin for a free kick. Forearms to the face. Side headlock, whipped off, Benjamin hops over, Christian leapfrogs, clothesline ducked, and Christian's flattened by the shoulderblock. 1, 2, no. Back to the headlock goes Shelton, but Christian forces him into the evil corner. Tag to T-Squared in his fancy slacks. +5 to kicking abilities. Yeah, I think that's the Chuck Palumbo Fan out there, because he always sits in the same spot and has assholish, smarky signs. Tomko mauls Shelton and launches him into the corner. Benjamin whips everybody's ass in the process of fighting his way out. Whip reversed, and he knocks Christian off the apron. But Shelton turns around into Tomko's BIG modified spinebuster! Mounted punching. Stomp, choke. 1, 2, no. Front chancery and a tag to Edge. Kick and clubber. Shelton's choked on the middle rope. Edge gets mouthy with Benoit and Jericho while Christian does something or other to Benjamin.

Snap suplex by Edge. 1, 2, Shelton kicks out. Tag to Christian for a kick to the ribs. Whip, crossbody by Benjamin! 1, 2, no. Christian quickly beheads him with a clothesline. 1, 2, no. Jericho came in to kick all effeminately. Benjamin's squeezed in a front chancery. He manages to point himself toward the friendly corner and fight his way over there, but referee Earl Hebner missed the tag to Benoit. He forces him out while the heels put a tripleteam on Shelton. JR: "Benjamin's getting mugged!" The tables have turned, eh, Lawler? Edge ends up in there. Snapmare, Ninja Chokeout. Benjamin fights to his feet and elbows free. Off the ropes, Edge with a scoop, but Shelton goes behind. He tries to force Edge into the ropes for a roll-up, but Edge hangs on. Double clothesline spot. Let's nap for awhile. Back up, Shelton needs a tag, but Edge grabs his foot... lunge to bring in Benoit! Forearms for everybody. Snap suplex on Edge! Snap suplex on Christian! Swing ducked, trying a German on Edge, but he prevents it. Benoit ducks his back elbow and gets a double leg for the Sharpshooter! Christian saves with a shot to the back of the head. German suplex on Christian! Two! Three! Thumb across the throat! Tyson tries to prevent Air Atlanta, but Chris headbutts him off the apron. Edge successfully crotches Benoit, however. Did Benoit bust himself open on Tomko's big, stupid head? Because he's bleeding. Edge follows Benoit up... superplex! That blood's getting all up in his eyeball. Let's take another break.

Commercials. Boy, is this Skittles ad horrific. "You two sheep-boys! Stop that jibber-jabbin'!"

God, we come back to find that Benoit's a fucking mess. Christian's getting bled all over as he applies the Ninja Chokeout. Here's a replay of the headbutt that fucked Benoit up. Beards can be pointy. Man, Christian drops an elbow right on Benoit's head. 1, 2, no. Rabbit punches to the wound. What a dick. Back to the chokeout. Benoit makes it to his feet and busts loose. Knife-edge chops. Off the ropes, but Christian cuts him down with a back elbow. 1, 2, Shelton saves. Lawler assumes that stitch-head Benoit is going to be at a disadvantage in the ladder match. Christian loads him up on the top turnbuckle. Chest pats. Trying a superplex himself, but Benoit blocks. More headbutts with his busted fucking head! Man, he looks woozy up there. SWANDIVE HEADBUTT CONNECTS!!! Damn. Tags to Jericho and Tomko! Chris ducks a clothesline and runs over Edge on the apron. Backhand ducked, off the ropes, flying forearm for Tomko! Jericho prances along Tomko's back before knocking Edge back down with the springboard missile dropkick! Climb-up enzuigiri on Tomko! 1, 2, Christian saves. Shelton's in to deal with him. They go outside as Tyson gorilla presses Jericho. Save it for the bank, mister. Jericho slips behind to shove him into the turnbuckles, but Tomko blocks a charge with a back elbow. Edge is back to try a spear, which nails Tomko when Jericho dodges! Now Christian's pissed at Edge! Family is family, but problem solvers are 4-eva. Benoit's staggering around like a man with no blood in his head as Edge catches Shelton's boot... Dragon Whip is DUCKED, accidentally hitting Benoit! Benjamin shows concern as CHRISTIAN BURIES EDGE WITH THE INVERTED DDT! Now Shelton plants Christian with the t-bone powerslam! Tomko kicks the SHIT out of Shelton's chest! FUCK! When he hits that 1 out of 4, he HITS it. Here's Jericho to try the Walls on Tyson! Got it! Tomko taps! Jericho sure likes to pick on him.

Post-match, Christian's got the ladder! Into Jericho's ribs! Readying another shot, but HUNGRY FOR RAPE is on his way out! JR: "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! IT'S KANE!" Christian's holding a ladder, so he's game. Kane promptly boots it into his face. Ladder shots for Shelton and Jericho! Tomko gets it in the face. Choke for Edge! Chokeslam! Kane erects the ladder over Edge's corpse as Lawler waffles on his MitB pick. Pyro explodes while Kane looks down at the six corpses. So we know he won't win. Whew. What happened to that ladies' briefcase? Is Benoit going to live?

Hype for later stuff.

Commercials. The Burger King wants to sneak in your window and slip you the Enormous Omelette Sandwich. Let's keep it on the down-low. Don't let your wife find out. "Eggnormous. Meatnormous. Cheesenormous." The Burger King is friend to all animals! Except the meatnormous ones.

WrestleMania goes Hollywood in 6 days. Lawler's wearing the official jersey or something. The ShopZone catalog tells me that there is a blaze orange Nailz shirt you can wear to show your allegiance to the Chain Gang. How queer is that?

Go vote for the WM Trailer awards. I did, and I know you want to be like me. Did you hear? I'm related to Lolaster Rocket. Here's the Kurt/Christy one.

Dapper Dave has been clothes-shopping in Red Hook. Pinstriped suit, orange tie. "Zek" Is Allowable When Playing Scrabble makes me mad at the Sklars. They said Zek "sounds like" a Star Trek name? It IS a Star Trek name! Eric: "Sorry to barge in here like this..." Dave: "But you're going to anyway!" Such a card, that Batista. Bischoff demands no physicality in the Face Off. What did you do to your skinny little sideburn, Dave? That looks awful. Get Rico on speed-dial. Batista promises not to start anything, but he can't speak for Triple H. Eric: "You called me a used-car salesman... You were kidding, right?" Dave: "No." That's too bad, because Bischoff liked Batista's WM trailer and thinks he could be a star. Dave just so happens to think the same thing about Eric. He reminds him of a Pulp Fiction character. Bischoff: "Travolta? Bruce Willis?" Batista: "No, no, it was the guy in the box. You know, with all the leather, leather mask, big red ball in his mouth. THE GIMP. You remind me of The Gimp!" Eric's all "OH, THAT BATISTA."

Red-haired bitches be walkin'. The skull-and-crossbones on Lita's shirt warns us that she should not be taken internally, EDGE. JR: "But next, it's Christy and Trish, King! IN ARM-WRESTLING!!!!!!!" Lawler: "Oh, I love the right to bare arms!" I hate you both.

Commercials. Blurg.

The Lugz Boot of the Week is Christy pinning Molly.

Kamala's Teaching Me To Pin People v. "The Drinks Are Free" Wasn't Even Close

Christy, of course, is accompanied by That Girl Is Poison! Lawler: "If you see 'em lately, you know that Christy won't go anywhere without Lita. 'Course we both know Lita will go anywhere. Whoa-ho!" SMARKITY SMARK. Here are more nekkid pitchers. And there's Trish. Curtsy. She's holding her title upside-down so it's easier for Christy's big cross-eyes to spot. I thought she was faking an injury already, but she's just mocking Lita. Eww, weird, Jack Doan is talking. It's like a breach of kayfabe somehow. Here comes the arm-wrestling. No, Trish isn't ready. She wants to build arm strength by doing a few curls with the Women's Title, hahaha. Now she cranks her bicep up there and kisses it. Big Momma Pump. Let's try again. Christy slams Trish's hand down immediately?! What the fuck? That's now how arm-wrestling contests go! The heel is supposed to overturn the table right before they lose! Trish protests. She wasn't ready, and she wants a rematch. Quit smiling, Lita, you whore. Christy accepts Stratus' request and promptly beats her again. This sure is a great advertisement for that Stacker-2 crap. NOW Trish overturns the table. Lilian's shoved down, too. Lita goes to check on her and gets kicked in the ASS, haha. THE ASS KICK! THE ASS KICK! MAHGAWD! JR says "leg," but I say "ass." Trish doesn't want to fight Christy, though. JR: "Let's not forget the Lita factor!" I know I hate Lita Factor. What are you smirking about, Lita? You got kicked right in the ass.

Randy Orton's on his way to the ring.

Commercials. Axe commercials are gross. Let's have a little more subtlety with our fucking.

The Stone Cold Stunner is the Beer Bath. About time.

Hahaha, is that the first time JR's pulled "fruity, fruity, fruity" duty?

If I'll Kiss My Girlfriend Like That, Imagine How I'll Kiss The Undertaker! is out. At least the Melodramatic Douche Pose makes sense again. Last Monday, Stacy got the RKO. The Chuck Palumbo Fan has a "BOYFRIEND OF THE YEAR" sign for Orton, which is kind of amusing. Because wifebeaters should be put up on pedestals. Sign: "WHY RANDY?" Hahaha. The missing comma makes it funny. Another sign has Orton's cause of death as: "LOOKED INTO THE EYES OF THE DRAGON." Since when has Taker ever talked about dragons and shit? Stop trying to steal Shelton's gimmick. Orton made his message clear last week. "You're either with me, or you're against me." The crowd chooses the latter. Undertaker is undefeated at WrestleMania because "all of his opponents in the future had themselves beat before they even got in the ring." In the future? What the fuck does that mean? Unlike all the others, Orton isn't scared. His future doesn't involve a headstone. He prefers cremation. His future does involve some shitty plaque that talks about his gr8ness, though. Randy's going to continue his own undefeated streak at WrestleMania. "Taker, you can't fight the future!" Kazarian? UH OH BONG BLONG DONG THE MAGIC POWERS ARE HERE ON RAW!!! The signal is pirated to show a countdown of Taker's twelve victims. Kane. Albert and Show. Oh, A-Train. Dear, A-Train. Flair. Triple H. Bossman. More Kane. Sid. Diesel. King Kong Bundy. THE FOURTH BEST DRESSED WRESTLER OF ALL TIME!!! Awesome. Jake The Hack Cough Wheeze Snake. And Tito, who they apparently don't want us to recognize. That was kind of neat. Would have saved JG some work. Probably not in the best taste to show a person who's actually deceased swinging from a noose, but you know how it is. Orton is all "UH OH BLUE AND/OR PURPLE!" Pyro sets the ringposts ablaze, causing Randy to freak.

Commercials. Narc costs a mere $19.95. That's the "Friend Price." But only because I like your face, kid. That one Mythbuster is a dick. Well, they're both weird and dickish, but the less bald one reminds me of a guy I hate.

Here's a list of some of the events that curtain-jerk WrestleMania Weekend. "Exhibition Matches" on Thursday, as well as "The THQ Superstar Challenge." And a "FAN FRENZY"!!!

In the bowels of the arena, Randy has collected his man purse. He wants to escape this haunted place. Spooky Ghost: "Raaaannndy. Oh, Raaaannndy." Oh, it's Kane. He wants to have a heart-to-heart from one guy who's terrified of purple to another. Orton: "I'm not afraid." Kane: "Well your mouth says one thing, but your eyes say somethin' else." This is shaping up to be a Katie Vick situation. "Two times I faced my brother at WrestleMania, and two times I was lucky to escape with my soul." Now Kane's practically trying to give him a backrub. Get out of there, Randy!

We Want Ze Belts! v. GET PUMPED FOR FITNESS! v. So You See, Dear Boys, Luke Carries Yoder Around In A Backpack... and *ENTHRALLED*

Are Tajiri and Maven on the same team? They're wearing the same WrestleMania baseball jersey. I guess the difference is that Maven's has been cut off at the midriff to be totally gay. First pin wins ze belts. Lawler thinks this is a huge treat for the RAW fans since the Tag Titles aren't important enough to be defended at WrestleMania. Haha, chest bump between Simon and Maven. They're all fired up!

Tajiri starts with Dean. The fans chant "U.S.A." because they like Conway, Simon, and Maven. Lockup, Simon wrings the arm. Tajiri goes flipsy to reverse, but Simon pulls his hair to force him into the corner. Knees to the McRibs as Maven is tagged in. Double hiptoss slam, double set of push-ups! Maven stomps Tajiri and threatens to smack Regal. Yoshi fires back with thigh kicks. In comes Regal. Double whip, double chest chops. William wanted the sandwich kicks, but Tajiri left him hangin'. Haha, awkward. Maven receives the spine kick, anyway. There's an exploder bodyslam, kinda. 1, 2, all three remaining heels break it up. La Resistance puts the boots to Regal as Dean goes after Tajiri. Maven drags William into his corner and tags out. Kneedrops by Simon. Right hand. Swinging neckbreaker, 1, 2, La Resistance drag him off. Dean goes over to bitch at them, allowing Grenier to tag himself in. Right hands to Regal. Tag to Conway, Hart Attack clothesline! 1, 2, Simon and Maven break it up. Conway nails Dean from behind, pissing Maven off. Back to Regal for a clubber. Robert tags Sylvain and whips Regal into his back elbow. Following it up with a clothesline. JR wants a barbecue-flavored Simon System shake.

Elbowdrop by Grenier. Ninja Chokeout with a knee in the back. Lawler: "See, now Simon Dean and Maven have absolutely no chance to become the Tag Team Champions while they're on the outside. You gotta get in the match to have a chance to win this thing." JR: "That's an astute revelation. On the outside of the ring, you can't win the title. No doubt about it." What a dick. Regal's stood up by now to break free with elbows. He chucks Grenier down by the wrist, but Conway strikes with a forearm. Sylvain then charges into Regal's back, knocking them both stupid. Back up, Grenier applies a side headlock, but William turns it into a nasty-looking side suplex that dropped Sylvain right on his head. Hot tag to Tajiri! Conway's in, so Tajiri chops him down crazily. Kick to the face! Whip reversed, handspring to knock Maven off the apron! Robert rushes into Tajiri's back elbow. Spinning heel kick! 1, 2, Simon tries to stop the count with an elbowdrop, but it hits Conway. Dean's clothesline is ducked... thrust kick to the forehead! Maven tags himself in as Conway's whipped. Tajiri tries a backdrop, but Robert kicks. Tajiri then pitches Conway over the top, wiping out Simon. Maven's on the top turnbuckle, though... flying crossbody! 1, 2, Sylvain saves with an elbowdrop. Regal enters to kill him with the Knee Trembler. HOLY GOD, Tajiri breaks Maven's face with a LOUD IMPTHOKK! 1, 2, 3! He'll be eating his Chicken Selects through a straw.

Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall, Who's The Smartest Man In Wrestling? is dreaming up ways to make Batista eat a poison apple. Eric barges in (BARGER) and gives Triple H the same "No Physicality" speech. Helmsley thinks Bischoff's making empty threats. "Don't insult my intelligence." Eric just needs "a civil engagement between two professionals." Let's follow the example of Billy and Chuck. HHH is mad at Eric for pushing to keep Dave on RAW. He makes no promises. He will attack Batista for blinking.

HBK/Hassan is next.

Commercials. Eh.

Smackdown Rebound. Show and the Jeep. That's it?

I'm Just A Sexy Sheik! I'll Make Your Knees Weak! (w/ Very Good! Very Good Song Parody, Muhammad!) v. Everything's Bigger In Texas, Including The Racism!

Stupid RAW encouraging me to make the nicknames run on forever. I don't think I've ever done a three-liner before. Muhammad's going to cut my hand off for unwittingly stealing JG's joke. He controls the world's oil prices from his stronghold in the Motor City. HBK NEEDS that oil to grease up naked men! He likes to put his hands on the merchandise. He uses the old five-finger discount, if you know what I'm sayin'. Sign: "HASSANS CAMEL LOST". Yeah, that makes no sense. What, did they run the Iraqi Derby recently? Chuck Palumbo Fan Sign: "HBK THROW IN OUT THE TOWEL". Welcome back to my shitlist, friend. We've been expecting you.

"U.S.A." chant. Hassan's got the microphone. "You know, I don't know what you people are screamin' about! Because we are, we are six days away. I have six more days until I have to face the prejudice and the bigotry at WrestleMania 21! I - HAVE NOT - BEEN PINNED - ON RAW! And still, I am excluded from the biggest show of the year! But tonight, tonight is a different story. You see, tonight, I will have the satisfaction of pinning Shawn Michaels, the so-called 'Mr. WrestleMania,' right here in his *voice cracks* home state of Texas!" Daivari takes over. Words I understand: "HBK, Muhammad, WrestleMania." Daivari could read the phone book and I'd die laughing. Hopefully the Farsi Fone Book. I'd sell a ticket to Coach. He's interrupted by "Gay Orgasm." When Harry Met Shawny.

Whoa, Muhammad, those are some loud hotpants. Loud like Daivari. Oh, I guess they're just yellow. They looked friggin' glow-in-the-dark with the lights down. There's the bell. Lockup, kneelift by Hassan. Hard right hands knock HBK down. Kick, punch, back elbow. Whip, scoop, but Shawn goes behind. He takes Hassan off his feet with punches and chops. Clothesline to the floor. Daivari yells at Muhammad in Farsi until HBK slides out, and then he goes "HEY!" Another right knocks Hassan down. Daivari runs away. Chop. Rolled in for chops in the corner. Turnbuckle whip, but Michaels runs into a boot. Hassan bowls him over with a thrust to the chest. Mounted punching. Back up for more fisticuffs as the crowd chants "HBK". Shawn fires back with chops. Whip reversed by Muhammad, but Daivari fails to trip Michaels up. Shawn stomps Daivari's fingers, causing him to do a hilarious dance. Hassan charges and takes a backdrop to the floor! Landing on Daivari, of course. Let's take a break.

Commercials. Bleh.

We return to find HBK in Hassan's surfboard. Sand surfer. Daivari: "HOLD HIM! HOLD HIM! HOLD HIM! HOLD HIM!" Muhammad employed a backbreaker during the commercial, we learn. Shawn stands and turns the hold. Punches. Here's a replay of Shawn doing his stupid corner flop before Hassan killed him with a back suplex into a backbreaker on the knee. Back to the present, Hassan's still in control somehow. I guess he snapped Shawn down with a neckbreaker of sorts. 1, 2, no. 1, 2, no. Snap suplex. 1, 2, no. Whip, back elbow, 1, 2, no. Ninja Chokeout. More "HOLD HIM!" I'd like to ask Daivari what his favorite type of poker is. Michaels makes it to his feet and punches free. Chop in the corner. Turnbuckle whip reversed, and Shawn's back breaks. Must be straw in those turnbuckles. Elbowdrop by Muhammad. Kicks to the midsection, then choking. More. Corner whip for more back pain. Right hand, and Michaels is down. Boot choke. Muhammad discusses theology with referee Mike Chioda while Daivari wraps HBK around the ringpost with a bow-and-arrow! I fucking love Daivari. Heh, Muhammad goes outside to do the same thing while Daivari and Chioda yell at each other. The ref finally breaks it up. Back in for the Allah pose.

Shawn's dyin', man. Stop trying to pull Muhammad's pants down. Setting up the Downward Spiral, but HBK elbows free. Hassan knocks him down with an axehandle, regardless. Camel Clutch! Pretty close to the ropes. Michaels reaches... got it. Chioda forces the break. Hassan stalks his opponent before dragging his thumb across SHAWN'S throat! Oh man, so many people are offended right now. Awesome. But Michaels blocks his big Al-Qaeda punch and decks him. Again. Chops. Whip reversed, flying forearm! Kip-up! I hate that! Inverted atomic drop, right hand. Punch, punch. Whip, backdrop. Scoop slam, and Michaels is headed up top... Daivari: "MOVE! MOVE!" Flying elbowdrop! HBK's warming up the Christian Rock band... but A SEXY KURT appears to trip him up! Good. Beatdown by Angle. Chioda's forced to call for the Dairy Queen. Hassan restrains HBK as Kurt warms up the ol' spitpunch... OH GOD IT HIT MUHAMMAD WHO'DA THUNK IT??? Now Shawn and Kurt trade blows, with Michaels getting the better of it. Angle slows his roll with a knee to the ribs. JR: "A vile knee!" Kick, Angle Slam, no, Shawn goes behind. Angle ducks Sweet Chin Music and bails out. Hassan will take it, though. Hahaha, they accidently play Arabic Yodeling for a second. Hassan is THE NEW WINNER OF THIS MATCH who lost by DQ and got kicked in the face! Angle and Michaels stare each other down, but Kurt ain't comin' back in. The po-po escort him away.

Commercials. The Discovery channel wants us to know what's going to happen when Yellowstone erupts and we all die.

Eric's yelling at security for letting Angle into the building. He wants them to round up more homies for the Face Off. They are sitting on a powderkeg!!! "One big powderkeg and it's about to blow us all to hell." Hahaha.

Here's the WM card. JBL's a "blueblood"? The WrestleMania lyrics appear to be "B-B-B-BIG TIME! WE'RE ALL STANDING IN LINE!" repeated ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND TIMES. Oh, sometimes we're "partners in crime."

Let's waste some more fucking time with a package about Batista's history in Evolution.

The Most Well Dressed High School Principal Ever leads his coppers to the ring in preparation of the Face Off. It was my Face Off, holmes!

Commercials. No thanks.

A little conference table has been set up. NO RED CARPET??? The purpose is to badmouth your opponent "without any concern for physicality." The Slowest Entrance In Wrestling brings Eat More Bologna, Gramps with him. Triple H puts his feet up. And here's George Steele. Muscleman poses. Staredown. "Ba-tis-ta" chant. He looks really stupid lounging in that tiny chair. Triple H goes first. "You ungrateful piece of crap." HHH made him. "You think any one of these people even knew your name before you met me?" Maybe if D-Von's out there. Triple H should really bring up the whole Deaconing period if he wants to be a dick. Too bad we have to pretend like stupid things never happened. Triple H only brought Batista along for the ride. "This ride, DAVE, is over." Look at him, Dave. Look into his squinty little eyes and know that you cannot beat him.

Batista's turn. He rises up like he do. "What do I have to say? What do I have to say??? Are you talkin' to me?" Hahahaha. And the crowd goes crazy. Seriously. That was weird. Batista says "Thank you." He wants to express his gratitute for everything Triple H and Flair have taught him. Woos from the crowd. "Especially you, Ric. You are, without a doubt, a true legend." Two things to say to Triple H. One, Batista's going to take his title. Two, Triple H is an assbleep. "Asshole" chant, I guess. Triple H upends the table, and they go nose-to-nose. Helmsley's all vibratey. More "Ba-tis-ta". HHH backs away a bit. And then SLAPS him! SHIT. Dave: "Thank you." ATTAX! Flair fails to pry Batista off, but here's security. Like 900 people hold Dave in place for Triple H's right hand. And then he throws them all off, hahaha. More punchings. Security tries to drag Helmsley to safety, but Batista fucking picks him up off the apron and drags him back in. HHH finally escapes. Six days, sez Dave. Thumbs down.

Final Thoughts: I thought that was a lot of fun, actually. For a two-hour show with three matches.