Star Trek: Wesley babysits some children or something.

Bischoff head, RAW opening.

Uh, welcome to the Best of RAW 2003 spectacular. I guess. The King and the Coach sit high atop an empty arena. Empty except for that one creepy guy wandering the stairs. I guess there are a few janitors or somebody meandering around in there. Lawler rolls his eyes and points to his co-host as if to say, "Look at this negro right here." JR couldn't be here because he's "helping Oklahoma prepare for the Sugar Bowl". Lord knows they'll never win without the help of some fat old stroke victim. Lawler promises to lynch Coach if he gets all uppity.

My Crotch Loves Texas v. My Crotch Loves Tunnel

Our first match is Jericho/Michaels from Wrestlemania XIX. Nobody rebeaked this, did they? Fuck. Here's the lead-in Heatbeak if you want to reminisce. You don't? Yeah, I don't blame you. I typed a lot of capital letters, but I still wasn't funny. Highlights include Cena's "mangina" promo that Sofa liked and me realizing that I've now nicknamed Trish Stratus after two different Gamgees.

We start the match in-progress. Jericho attempts to send HBK over the top, but he skins the cat for a headscissors to the floor. Plancha. Michaels tries a dropkick out on the floor like a moron, which Jericho counters with the Walls of Himself. Michaels would have been counted out right there if Charles Robinson had done his JOB. Into the steel ringpost goes Michaels' back. Clip. Whip by Michaels, but Jericho clocks him with a forearm. Heh, he kips up and gives us HBK's gay pose. Now Shawn kips up to punch. Whip reversed, flying forearm, and there's another kip up. Inverted atomic drop, clothesline. Whip and a backdrop.

Corner whip reversed, but Jericho's charge is met with a boot. Michaels goes up top for a moonsault. 1, 2, no. Clipped to HBK's flying elbow. Gay capering. Sweet Chin Music ducked so that Jericho can apply the Walls. Shawn nearly reaches the ropes before Jericho pulls him back. Now he's got 'em. Jericho cries, then argues with the ref, then eats Sweaty Balls On Your Chin Music. JR calls it a "straight kick", but we certainly know that wasn't the case. Everybody's dead. Michaels crawls to cover... 1, 2, no. Lawler: "Shawn just graspin' at any part of Jericho he can get his hands on." Bleh.

Jericho reverses a corner whip, prompting Shawn to break out the Fag Flip. He backflips out of the back suplex attempt and gets a pulling roll-up for three. Cut to Jericho accepting the Hug of Fagship before unleashing the Kick of Scrotumship.

Later, Goldberg eats The Rock.

Commercials. Nope.

The JVC Extreme Blast of the Year is Lita's Anal Asians scandal from late September.

Lawler's so interested in the Year in RAW that he's reading that Unscripted book. Next week, RAW returns LIVE with HBK versus HHH. That won't be eligible for the best of 2003. What if it's like a five-star match? Haha, no, seriously. Perhaps something noteworthy will happen, like HBK exploding into a shower of confetti. Coach wants his own book. Lawler: "Your book would be more like a pamphlet. As a matter of fact, you could write all your accomplishments on a postage stamp! What about that? The Coach's postage stamp! *hoarse laughing*" Die.

One Day I Shall Jam-Pack A DVD v. Tower Of Flower (w/ Crash Was Still Alive)

Let us take you all the way back to freakin' January for Victoria vs. Trish Stratus in a Chicago Streetfight. That's how Michael Wilbon and Donovan F. McNabb be rollin'. This is so ancient that Victoria didn't like spiders and Stevie didn't like pink panties. Old School, courtesy of Sofa. Hahaha, "Dig a Crotch Tunnel, Diglett".

I'll do a throwback rebeak because this will likely be the only match I could possibly give a shit about. Victoria ambushes Stratus on the apron, chokin' her with a kendo stick. Oh, it's a pool cue. Trish monkeyflips her opponent and rolls over for choking of her own. Victoria was Women's champ at this point. Or maybe Stevie was. Vic reverses a whip into the steel steps. Cut to the Chimp Kick and Trish's clothesline of the barricade. Cover on the floor, 1, 2, no.

Victoria drives her opponent into the edge of the apron. Rolled in for the slingshot somersault legdrop. And there's the "XBOX phone call" line. Victoria breaks her shoulder on the ringpost as a result of the failed charge. Stratus digs for plunder, then strikes with a trash can lin. Trash Stratus. What the hell's a "lin"? WordPerfect is weird. Cymbalshot for Victoria's crazy head. Trish wedges a garbage can in the corner, but Victoria fucking blasts her with the lid. She catapults Stratus' face into the can. Lidshot. Lawler was amazed at the longevity of Trish and Victoria's nonsensical feud back in JANUARY.

More lidshots earn Victoria two. Corner whip reversed, but Victoria blocks the charge with an elbow. She gets whacked in the head as she ascends, setting up the Stratusphere. 1, 2, no. Vic gets clubbered. Thesz press from the apron. Back in, double arm swinging neckbreaker. 1, 2, no. Whip reversed, Stevie tries to blast Trish with the fire extinguisher, but it fails. At least until Victoria sticks her face all up in it. JR: "AWWW, what an idiot!" Trish dropkicks Richards down. Another Chimp Kick, but Stevie saves. He gets stickin'. FUCKING KICK TRISH IN THE FACE KICK!!! 1, 2, no! Wow, the FKTITFK existed even in ancient times. That's nearly a palindrome.

Haha, Victoria fucking slaps Stratus in the face. Again. Trish swings out of a whip, but Stevie dumps her on the Stratusfaction attempt. Victoria shoves her HARD from the apron to the barricade. Fan: "Are you okay?" Victoria heads outside to cover... 1, 2, 3. "I hate you!"

Tonight, Ric Flair delivers that "Passionate Promo" we were promised. Plus, the IC title ladder match.

Commercials. Fatty Buu threatens to eat me up. I do not like this Bernie Mac/LeBron commercial.

RAW Retro dates back to January 11, 1993. Tatanka, Kamala, Doink. Oh, this is from RAW's 10th Anniversary "Spectacular". JG's finest hour. Triple H's ass. Boy howdy.

Stacy Keibler and her Bod shirt join the commentators. Does that mean Test was peddling a product named "ASS" last night? Coach asks Stacy if she'd rather do him or Lawler. Guess which way that one goes. Coach: "What? THIS???" He indicates King's fatty bod, prompting Keibler to ask wrestling fans to purchase Bod Man spray. Your imaginary girlfriend will be all over you. Stacy got Coach a bottle of "Really Ripped Abs". But are they enraged? Coach is gonna score with the cows tonight, baby. Bank on it.

I Reforge This Sword For The Peeps Of Middle-Earth! *kissyfingers* v. The Finest Weed In The Southfarthing

Christian versus RVD in September's Intercontinental Ladder Match. It spanned the continents. Boobermonkeys already rebeaked this with far less painful nicknames. Read it, because I'm growing too lazy to provide director's cut commentary. No jams will be packed. We go to commercial after Rob's twisty ladder legdrop off the announce table.

Commercials. Mork.

More of Christian and Rob.

Later, cunnilingus contest. God damn it.

Commercials. Send Lita to Baghdad. Baghdog. Swishy drawers.

Your Best of 2003 Moment was the Rock's arrival. His first awesome arrival, before he sucked up to the fans like a pandering asswipe. Goldberg shows up. Here you go. All the rebeakers seem to be getting some play tonight. It's good to get play together.

I Am Deeply Concerned With The Well-Being Of Your Lips v. Willy Nilly

Goldberg faced The Rock at Backlash. I hope somebody rebeaked this, because I don't wanna. You lazy fuckers. I should try to pass this off as the 2003 report, but I won't.

The Rock punches, but Goldberg reverses his Samoan whip into a Jew Bottom. Bill rolls around and highsteps like a moron. Rock dodges the spear, causing Berg to ram his shoulder into the post. Clip. There's a spear. Clip. Rock connects on a clothesline, but Bill won't go down. There's a spear of his own, followed by a kip up. Sweet. The Rock smells something. Bagels? Rock Bottom. 1, 2, kickout.

Right hands from Rocky. The spitpunch is interrupted by Berg's clothesline. Whip reversed, and The Rock pusts bine. Wow, that wasn't even intentional. You know what I fucking mean. People's Elbow. 1, 2, kickout. Spear from Goldberg. Again. Hebrew Hammer. 1, 2, 3.

Later, Bischoff/Austin. Blech.

Another Best of 2003 Moment sees Jericho and Trish make out to sappy flute music.

Commercials. Triple H will face Shawn Michaels deep in the crotch of Texas.

Yet another Best of 2003 Moment is Vince giving Eric the 30 day deadline to make RAW not suck. I need another Twix. Stuff about signing Austin.

Cripple v. Non-Wrestler

Austin/Bischoff at No Way Out in February. Not gonna rebeak it.

Orton's defeat of HBK later. But up next, Kane vs. Shane.

Confidential stuff about Smackdown from Iraq.

Commercials. How many Bods and Buus can one man stomach? Menards has a sale on Job Pro cameras. That's the brand The Hurricane prefers, ah cha cha.

Best of 2003 Moment: Kane unmasks. Linda is killed. Arn Anderson is concerned.

Rodney Mac v. I Killed Pepper And Pinned It On The Bossman

The Ambulance Match from Survivor Series. God bless you, eviljonhunt. That "chairing the steps" spot is lame. You can clearly see that Kane's head is protected by the little hole in there. Pussy. They were supposed to "STAY BACK 500 FEET" from that ambulance. DQ!

Soon, a kick to the "world championship testicles".

The Bod-yslam of the Year is Goldust advising Flair and Helmsley that you cannot judge a book by its cornbread. Fare thee well, Electrotard. I didn't especially like Goldust, anyway. Solly, smarks!

Commercials. Arg.

More Best of: The Hurricane hides in a closet to confirm the tininess of The Rock's penis. Those two fellows remind Coach of a young Team Cockroach.

A tribute to those who passed away in 2003. Stu Hart. FINALLY a mention of Crash. I mean, I'm an asshole and everything, but it's about time they at least acknowledged it. Miss Elizabeth. Road Warrior Hawk. Curt Hennig. And Freddie Blassie.

Commercials.

Best of 2003 Moment: Ric Flair's Passionate (SCAM) Promo.

Stone Old v. Tenacious Bee

From the same show, Ric Flair vs. Triple H for the Heavyweight championship. IT WAS A DAMN SET-UP, KING! I don't think we learned that until next week.

Up Next, MOORE AUSTIN BISCHOFF HOORAY MOORE MOORE MOORE.

Best of 2003 Moment: The Rock sings a song about Cowtown. This one didn't get beaked. He was wrong about the Lakers beating the Kings in May. It was the Mavs. CUBES.

Commercials. Yawn.

Best of 2003 Moment: Mummified muff diving at Horable Hemoglobin. Indeed.

Back to Survivor Series, where Stone Cold's team cost him his job. Is this going to be over soon? Apparently not. Ad break.

Commercials. Barfy the dog.

Do the Royal Rumble breasts belong to Randy Orton?

Back to the Survivor Series match. Shawn Michaels is alone with three men. A dream come true. Shenanigans occur. Bananabomb, Orton pins, that's it. Into the Stone Cold tribute. "LMAO," sayeth the Coach.

From last freakin' week, Orton faced Mick Foley. Sorta. Intercut with footage of Randy shitbeating Mick many months ago.

Remember, there's a crapass match LIVE next week. We're done. Lawler wishes us many happy returns. Coach: "You know I was better than JR tonight, you do know that?"

Final Thoughts: Pork.