Star Trek: Lot of Ferengi today.

Why the fuck is my close, personal friend Mark Cuban hanging out with The Undertaker? I thought I knew you, Cubes. But now I'm lost. And scared.

I'm just a puppet.

Quote from today's Around The Horn: "Call the Undertaker." COINCIDENCE????

BOOOO YAAAAY. Thankfully, This Is A Banner Day For Ferengi is on hand to paint over the YAAAAY part with some sort of strange Ferengi dollar sign.

Last Night, Hit The Bricks, Then The Women got the F out. Our recollection of Stone Cold's career is set to the WWE's sad flute music. Empty beer cans are a metaphor for how empty RAW will be without Austin ruining it. Back to the present, where Bischoff is accompanied by the aforementioned beer cans. He'll probably sell them on eBay. All of Team Bischoff is in attendance for the funeral of Austin's aluminum legacy. Eric STOMPS the cans FLAT. YES. In appreciation for their Survivor Series victory, each member of Bischoff's team will be granted a very special sexual favor.

Wait, somebody wants to ruin everything. It's Pour Champagne On A Honeybee. Prune Juice and Tally Me Banana follow. It's a veritable smorgasbord. The deceptively stocky El Randy quickly gloms onto Evolution. I know that was Silver King, but El Dandy was fat, too. Triple H congratulates Eric. He thinks he should also receive a favor because he knows Randy Orton. Bischoff will grant Helmsley a World title rematch any time he wants it. HHH: "That's awfully white of ya, Eric. No offense, guys." Oh my God. If I were Mark Henry, I would have fucking beat him to death right there. Buhlee. HHH comes up with some top secret plans Eric likes. Goldberg vs. Helmsley, Batista, and Orton.

I'm torn between my desire to stick it to God and my desire to adhere to the rules of proper capitalization laid down by THE MAN.

Commercials. The Remington Titanium shaver can cut through cars. In case your face has been overrun by cars. Tommy Lee Jones plays an Indian or something stupid.

Somewhere in that arena is Slater Vain. Watching. Waiting. What if he's only working dark matches or something this week? That would be worse than the Holocaust. You know it's true, Goldberg.

The Terminator Rewing is Booker T being immediately eliminated last night.

Booker sTing v. No Entrance For Fatties

Remember that Booker T is being stalked by the Black Scorpion. Or in this case, the White Scorpion. Ric Flair's been granted an IC title match for tonight. Weird.

Booker and Mark get mouthy to start. Shove by T, then right hands. Henry strikes back with a kneelift. Clubby. Whip, clothesline ducked, semi-flying forearm by Booker. Knife-edge chops. T twists the arm and delivers a crescent kick to the chest. I doubt it was really a crescent kick, but hush up. Whip reversed into a clothesline that sends Booker flying. Looking for a suplex is Mark, but Booker slips behind. He leaps up onto Henry's hunchback to apply a sleeper. Down to one knee goes The World's Fattest Man, whose tongue is lolling out in comical fashion. Henry fights to his feet and plows Booker into the turnbuckles.

T is measured for a right hand. This week, Mark is "arguably" the strongest man who has ever lived. Booker swings out of the whip to throw a kneelift. Ready for the Axe Kick, but Theodore grabs his foot. Booker swipes at him before turning around into Henry's fatvalanche. Mark stands on him. Jesus. Shoulder charge in the corner. Henry's hard turnbuckle whip puts Booker on the mat. Big beal. Mark has "ungodly, unearthly power". He's a Klingon. Neck vise from fatty, but Booker's got a shakyhand. He staggers Mark with shots to the gut, then gets clocked. Scoop slam and an elbowdrop from Henry. 1, 2, no.

JR declares Booker "a real self-made man". He went back in time and impregnated his mother. More hot neck vise action from Marky Mark. T elbows free, only to get jacked again. Henry clobbers him in the corner. Here comes the big fat charge, but T evades. Bicycle kick! Thrust kick to the chest! Whip reversed, but T drives a knee into the gut... AXE KICK! Shakyhand, Spinarooni! T's movin' on up like Weezy... HEATSEEKER! 1, 2, NO! Damn it. Booker ducks Mark's clothesline. He tries the Houston Sidekick, but Henry cradles him into an over-the-shoulder powerslam. 1, 2, NO!!!

Booker meets his opponent's corner charge with an elbow. Kick to the fat thigh, but Henry shoves Booker back into the corner. He barrels in, but T skips over! Schoolboy, feet on the ropes(!), 1, 2, 3! Booker, you lowdown, cheatin' colored person. Lawler: "He's a criminal!" I fucking hate you, King. We hate everybody here at the Weekly Visitor. Except YOUR MOM! *makes the Jay Mariotti "tallying an invisible point" pantomime*

Post-match, Mark Henry plans to devour referee Charles Robinson. He's jealous of Li'l Naitch's ability to count to three.

Commercials. Learn the true story of Stone Cold Steve Austin, November 26th on UPN. Does that mean he's headed for Smackdown? Enjoy, JG! His daughter HAS A BRITISH ACCENT??? WHAT IN THE HELL? I'd be tracking down William Regal if I were you, Steve. Rodrageous Raspberry. Buy The Two Towers: Extended Edition tomorrow, fellow nerds. I wouldn't hate wrestling so much if Boromir was involved. Merry and Pippin are totally going to bogart Saruman's weed.

JR nearly wishes Survivor Series buyers "severe apologies", but instead goes with "sincere thanks".

Let Them Eat Squash v. Natural Bore Thrillers

Ugh. The Cat's mama told me there'd be days like this. Then she cooked me some grits, not unlike the wild and unpredictable Kit from the hit ESPN2 morning show Cold Pizza.

Cade and Jindrak got lettering in the chryon, but no actual background. The Frenchmens attack before the bell. That doesn't last long, as Jindrak ejects Dupree and Cade does the same to Conway. Garrison's got the stick for some reason. He's sick of seeing La Resistance's crap. I don't know where he's been looking. Yeah, suck up to your fellow Texans, heatless honky. Cade dedicates the impending awful match to the U.S. Armed Forces. One guy in uniform with a ridiculous mohawk likes it.

Garrison and Conway finally start. Side headlock by Rob, but he's whipped off and shoulderblocked. Cade wrings the arm and tags out. Whip, kick by Cade, retarded leaping tomahawk by Jindrak. Rene drops off the apron before he can get killed. Conway's kick is caught, but he ducks a clothesline and lands a hurricanrana. Tag to Rene. Corner whip reversed, but Jindrak eats back elbow. He ducks under a clothesline and fells Dupree with one from the top rope. Shot for Conway. Rene battles back with a kneelift, but Mark slips behind his slam attempt. Dupree's forced into the ropes, where his partner hotshots Jindrak.

Illegal exchange betwixt the Frenchies. Chokin' by Conway. Two count. Front headlock with some clubbin' blows to the back. Rene returns for more beatery. Side headlock. Dupree runs the turnbuckles when Jindrak forces him into the corner, only to get crushed with a big back suplex! Rene gives it a Curly Howard sell. Crawling for the hot, American tag is Jindrak... got it! Shoulderblock and clubbery from Cade. Whip, back bodydrop. Conway's tossed to the floor before Garrison blasts Dupree with a forearm. He hits the ropes and HAMMERS Rene with the Clothesline From Shawn Michaels' Boudoir! 1, 2, Conway saves!

Cade reverses Rob's whip, allowing Jindrak to hotshot him. Conway staggers into Garrison's leaping shoulderblock. Dupree's elevated for Jindrak's dropkick! 1, 2, 3! That wasn't so bad.

Backstage, the lower midcard is congratulating Shawn Michaels on losing last night.

Commercials. It's good to play with yourself. This Cat in the Hat marketing blitz does even more damage to rhyming than John Cena. Fight them Japs, Tom Cruise. Slap Gollum around, Faramir.

JR sheds a big, gay tear for Stone Cold. It's time to speak with Anal Angel. But Bischoff and some cops interrupt Shawn's weepy time. OFFICER SLATER VAIN!!!!!!! OFFICER SLATER VAIN!!!!!1!!11!1!!!1! SECURITY, PUNK!!!! This is the new happiest day of my life. I'd like to see you mark out over some dude in a police uniform, The Great Frank Thomas. What an utterly gay thing for me to say. Shawn wants to get something off his chest. It's his shirt. He will distract Eric with his sweaty pecs. Is that a tattoo of a What Would Jesus Do bracelet? Fuck me. Michaels hates on Bischoff for taking away the one thing that mattered to Austin. Eric blames Shawn, since Austin would still be here if he hadn't jobbed out so much. "Go home. Look in the mirror. Because the man you'll be looking at is the man that you have to blame." Whysper? Shawn Michaels is expelled for lying about being Jewish so he could go to a Dodgers game. GET HIM OUT OF BELDING'S BUILDING, SLATER! Fucking preppies.

Wasn't Mario Lopez on that terrible USA cop show that guest-starred Val Venis?

Last night, Shane and Kane done had a fight. This time Shane's the one in guarded condition. Kane will be giving his brother's eulogy on Smackdown. Enjoy, JG! I hope you at least get Slater Vain dressed like a priest or something. In other Smackdown news, Bradshaw hit Brock Lesnar with the Clothesline From The Plastic Surgeon's Office. Now he has the bust necessary to compete in those bra and panties matches he loves so much!

Team Complete Morons have a discussion backstage. Why, Stacy Keibler, is that a cool, refreshing YJ Stinger you're holding? I guess Test's foot came back, because he and Steiner will face the Dudleyz for the tag titles. That was Scott's favor. He is enraged like a raspberry. Test releases Steiner from slavery.

Commercials. Why does the mummy in that stupid game sound Canadian?

Rob Van Gundy v. That Old Dude Who Coaches The Memphis Grizzlies

Referee Possibly Chad Patten alerts RVD to the fact that Eric Bischoff has banned the Five Star Frog Splash. Just downgrade to four stars, Rob. He's all "Whatever." Then he sparks up a big fat joint. Flair is escorted by They're Pushing Me To The Moon, And By Moon I Mean A Bare Male Ass. It's Randy Orton. Shut up. He joins the old fatties for commentary. "Guys, guys, I just wanna say that it is an HONOR to grace you both with my presence." Orton tells us he killed Mark Cuban because he is a legend. An Around The Horn legend. Next on the list: "Big" Bob Ryan!

Flair graces us with some Whooing. RVD rebuts with the point, point, counterpoint. JR hopes Cubes sues. Me too. Flair threw a sucker punch or something, but we were too busy looking at Lawler. Knife-edge chops. Corner whip reversed, but Flair meets Rob with a back elbow. Van Dam responds with a heel kick and standing moonsault. 1, 2, no. Whip, back bodydrop. The twisty legdrop makes Ric decide to take a powder. Rob looked to be contemplating a plancha, but Flair drags him out by the leg. RVD takes over with forearms. Rolled back in, where Ric pokes the eye.

Another chop laid in by the Nature Boy, boy. Corner whip, Whoo, then run into a boot. Dummy. Van Dam springs to the top rope, but Flair shoves him all the way to the floor! Ric pursues to whip Rob into the steel steps. Punches and chops wound Van Dam further, but he fights back with punches of his own. Flair bails into the ring, bouncing off the ropes into a spinning heel kick! 1, 2, no. Ric drops his opponent with a shoulderblock to the knee. Figure Four! Orton: "God gave me a gift. I am a beautiful man." Blech. Van Dam attempts to turn the leglock... got it! Flair manages to break.

Ric measures Van Dam for another chop block to the leg. Corner whip reversed, and Rob goes nutty. Shoulder charge, shoulder charge, shoulder charge, backflip, clothesline ducked, second rope crossbody! 1, 2, no. RVD's actually making an attempt at selling the leg, God bless him. Corner whip, but Flair answers with the back elbow. Van Dam just JACKS him with a superkick to the jaw! Up he goes... top rope thrust kick! Orton leaves the announce position prior to Rolling Thunder. A sliding dropkick knocks Randy off the apron! RVD's heel kick does it again! But Flair strikes with the old crotch hits. Rob makes a fishface. Cover, 1, 2, NO!

Another chop from Ric. Whip, Van Dam surprises him with the rolling wheel kick! Rob looks as if he's going to say fuck da po-lice (SLATER) and use the Five Star anyway. Nope, Randy crotches him first. Uh, isn't that a Dairy Queen, ref? Retarded Knock-Off is delivered from the second rope! There's the DQ. Crotching is fine, but Diamond Cutters GO TOO FAR. Orton seems to find the Intercontinental title as beautiful as he is. And he dons it. Randy eventually gives the belt back to RVD's corpse.

I Do It For All The Little Cochese is gimpin' around backstage. His neck hurts. The Geekly Visitor and Rosey The Riveter are making shadow puppets or something. The former shows us his big, lesbian biceps. That suitcase labeled "MAGIC" is where The Hurricane keeps his Moxes. Coach badmouths the S.H.I.T. concept and then LOLs for 10 minutes straight. Onwards and upwards to Bischoff's office, where Eric speaks of a big surprise for next week's RAW in Salt Lake City, "the single most boring city on the face of the Earth". Hey, RAW Roulette. I like RAW Roulette. It's because I'm an idiot.

Commercials. Pass.

JR: "You spin the wheel, you make your deal..." Feh. Big Trouble In Little Chyna has a Highlight Reel to host. He's plzed to see Austin gone. Chris takes credit for spearheading the campaign like a tiny Canadian Goldberg. The fans shall not give him a Hell Yeah. Heh, "Tex-assclowns". Mr. Jericho's guest for the evening is Losa. I can't believe Molly retained even after the combined braintrust of the Weekly Visitor predicted otherwise. That's cosmically impossible. We're like those big-headed guys from the Green Lantern Corps. Hurricane knows the score.

Lita dances her dance. She gets all lippy when Jericho belittles her. Christopher has a special guest to cheer Lita up. Someone whose contract just expired on Smackdown. Oh shit, you think? I CAN SLAP THE TEXAS TORNADO! Hell yes. With a new little entrance vignette and everything. "RUN". Shannon's fucked. Matt hugs and kisses Lita. Icky. "HAR-DEES" chant. Jesus, he has something to ask Lita. NO MATT DON'T DO IT! He takes her hand. If he pulled her into a clothesline her right now, I think I would be blown out of my chair by the sheer awesomeness. Unfortunately, Hardy's on bended knee. I guess he could still give her an atomic drop or something.

The entrance of My Cousin Died Because He Read Matt's Book keeps us in suspense. This is just like that time Molly broke up Stevie and Victoria's wedding in Boobermonkeys' EWR game. I think. Molly's got an altered look again. It's her yard and she wants some respect. Jericho intervenes. He wants to see Matt and Lita versus Molly and a partner of her choosing. She picks... Bischoff? That's stupid, Molly. You're stupid.

Commercials. It's truck season. Not trabbit season. Die.

Holly wanders the halls when Eric asks her WTF? Molly plans to "end" Lita. Bischoff follows her, but I don't. If Lita's team wins, she gets a title rematch. But if her team loses, FIAHAHOHEHANJLJDSLJDLERED.

New Yorkers With New Jerseys v. Intelligence Sinkhole

Good Lord, Buh Buh, put some pants on! He's in little short shorts. The new Dudley shirts look like hockey jerseys and are rather ugly, thanks. As much as I despise Steiner, I'd like it if he and Test won here.

D-Von starts with Test. The latter delivers a kneelift and commences with the clubbin'. Animated Nashy elbows in the corner. I guess if they're animated, they're not all that Nashy. Whip, clothesline ducked, spinning back elbow by Dudley. 1, 2, no. Test blocks a punch and hits another kneelift. Enter Steiner for a free kick. Clubsy. D-Von fights back and tags his homosexual half brother. You have no idea how bothersome I find those shorts. Buh attacks with punches to the gut and clubbin' blows. Whip reversed, head down too soon, kick. Dudley drops Scott with a delayed sidewalk slam! 1, 2, nope.

Test tells Stacy to sit her fat ass down. Buh Buh protests and gets decked. Good for Test. Northern lights suplex by Steiner! Steinerline. Bicep kiss, elbowdrop. Push-ups. Just when I was surprisingly not hating this match. Steiner chokes Buh Buh on the middle rope. Test takes over when the referee intercedes. Illegal exchange so Test can club away. More hard elbows. Corner whip, ensuing clothesline. Jumping jacks! Dudley fights back to no avail. Snapmare, Ninja Chokeout. A cloud of dust pops up when Stacy pounds the apron. Christ. Filthy.

Buh Buh fights to freedom via shots to the ribs. Test clubs him, regardless. Now Dudley swings out of a whip to take off every zig with the Buh Buh Bomb. But he's in no condition to capitalize. Or even punctuate. Buh dives for the tag to D-Von! Clothesline ducked, shot for Steiner! Clothesline for Test! Again. Test swings out of a whip, but his clothesline is ducked... leaping shoulderblock! 1, 2, no. Corner whip reversed, but D-Von evades the charge. Leaping clothesline, but Steiner breaks the cover. Buh Buh decks him. Scott's whipped into the corner for Buh's fatvalanche. And D-Von pitches him.

Test is staggered by Buh Buh's jukey jabs. Wiggly crotch elbow coming up, but Test pokes him right in his fat eye. Haha. Looking for the pumphandle slam, but Dudley escapes for a bodyslam. What Is Up with Test's private parts. D-Von, get me some pants. Nope, Steiner kills him. There's another northern lights for Buh Buh. Scott rolls out to procure a title belt. Whack is ducked, and Buh Buh pastes him. Reverse neckbreaker doubleteam! JR ALMOST called it the Dudley Death Drop, I swear. Test fells Buh Buh with a clothesline, but D-Von's on top of things. Only briefly, as Test drills him with the full nelson slam! 1, 2, no!

Test orders Keibler to hand him the discarded tag title. She shan't. Big boot ducked by D-Von, 3-D! 1, 2, 3! Are the normally boring guys stepping it up tonight, or am I just in a Slater and Mattitude-fueled good mood?

Lita was "so bummed", but Matt "totally" cheered her up. Hardy's going to postpone his special question until a later date. Alabama Jam appears to giggle vapidly along with Lita. Thanks for that pointless appearance, Trish! I hope Matt just asks Lita if she'll accept a framed portrait of him.

Commercials. The Ric Flair DVD is stylin' and racial profilin'. That doesn't make any sense.

The Lugz Boot of the Week is Molly unbelievably retaining her title last night.

Holy Matt-rimony (UHHHHH) v. Granny Pantie Grabbers

Lita starts off with a shove for Molly. Clothesline ducked, but Lita's is not. Flapjack. Whip reversed by Molly, but she takes a tilt-a-whirl headscissors. Holly swings out of a whip to finally connect on the clothesline. Chokey. Snap suplex nets Holly a two count. Lita attempts to fight back but gets pounded down. Facehole yanking. Head to the canvas. Molly attempts a scoop slam, but Lita slips behind for a reverse DDT! Tag to Bischoff, who cuts Lita off before she can reach her boo. Eric gets SLAPPED and goes down like a bitch. Oh no you dinnat, says Eric. The jacket is OFF.

Lita dives for a tag, but MATT DROPS DOWN FROM THE APRON. Yes, yes, yes. His heart belongs to Shannon. Matt gives Lita a scary look as Bischoff's up from behind. He yanks her down by the hair. Pin, 1, 2, 3! So I guess Lita is FIAHAdlelkdlEldle7ered? Sign with Smackdown, where JG can enjoy you. Lita cries. Methinks she could find solace in the chickenarms of a creepy little bastard. Matt's ready to ask that question now. "How could you be so selfish?" Even when she was out with a broken frickin' neck, she wouldn't "come join the lonely Matt Hardy". "You had to train. You had to make this great comeback, come back to RAW and win the Woman's title. And you couldn't even do that right!" They - are - thru.

Commercials. I dunno.

Moments Ago, I just wrote about this.

Porno Pals (w/ Skanks) v. The ULLLLLLLTIMATE Homo (w/ Ninja Gayda)

Sadly, only Venis is wrestling. Lance is just eye candy. Neither Rico nor Steven Richards will ever, ever earn another victory over Val Venis. JR goes insane on Lawler for mentioning his "Stone Cold shock".

Lockup, side headlock by Venis. Rico grasps his bottom. Whipped off, and Rico just gets NAILED with the shoulderblock. Chops from Val. Whip, back elbow. Kick, vertical suplex. Venis tries to make it rolling suplexes, but Rico slips behind. Fag-O-Matic! Ow, that looked painful. Instead of just yanking him to the mat with the reverse facebuster, Rico broke his fall with both knees to the back. Stomps by Rico. Head to the buckle is followed by some jabbery. Rico gallivants, then fondles Venis' boobs. Shudder. Val gets a homophobic second wind and punches Rico a lot. Hate crime.

Rico halts Val's offense with a kneelift, then breaks his face with a sort of inverted Eye of the Homocane onto the knee. Val's BLASTED with the top-shelf kick to the head! Stompin'. JR continues to lose his mind. "You're the one that's talkin' about closets! How do you know he lived in a closet? How do you know he came out of a closet? How do you know he went into a closet?" Another kneelift puts Val on his back. 1, 2, no. Rico has stolen Triple H's knee gimmick. He stomps Val's fingers and yanks at the eyes. Elbow to the bridge of the nose. Now an elbowdrop. Rico gyrates before leaping through Val's legs for a second elbowdrop. Bridging pin, 1, 2, no.

Venis falls to a clothesline. Another two count. Cobra Clutch-like maneuver from Rico. He takes Val down to a seated position. And now he's lying down. Lazy. JR: "What if you just stood up right now and kissed my ass?" The only time he's tolerable is when he loses his shit. Venis escapes the submission hold with right hands. More of 'em. Clotheslines. Whip reversed, leaping shoulderblock by Venis. 1, 2, no. Chop. Rico swings out of a whip to apply a sleeper, but Val quickly counters with Blue Thunder! 1, 2, no!

The referee tries to separate Val from his opponent, allowing Rico to sneak in a thumb to the eye. Roundhouse thrust kick to the ribs! Reverse neckbreaker from the backslide position! Almost an inverted Stunner. 1, 2, NO! Rico's making me look bad tonight. Not that I needed any help. Rico jaws with the ref, allowing Val time to block his charge with a boot. Half-nelson slam! 1, 2, no! I can't believe the match has lasted this long. I'm not complaining. Mounted punching from Valbert. Jackie orders her man to "come on". That's all they taught them on Tough Enough 2. JR, who's "sweatin' fried chicken", is both "hot" and "bothered".

Venis calls the Ejaculator... but Miss Jackie's got him by the foot. Is she BITING it? Jackie's kicked to the floor HARD! Jesus, Val. Rico tags him with a right hand. He's ready for a high-risk maneuver, at least until he's distracted by Lance Storm molesting Jackie. It's probably because she has her goddamned bits and pieces hanging out. Eesh. Cover it up, nasty. I demand that officer Vain arrest that woman for indecent exposure. Rico's shoved down and blasted with the Money Shot for 3, but the real story here is that of a good match tainted by one nipple and 500,000 salivating nerds. Yuck. Not the good kind, either. I'm a wholesome, asexual nerd.

Lita and HER FUCKING BAG DOG!!!!! stumble around drunkenly in the hall. The dog was the one part of Heat I missed, and let me tell you, it is creepy as hell. It doesn't even look like a real dog at first. "QUIET PLEASE" says a box. TNM doesn't take orders from no boxes. Lita struggles with her bags because she's just a weak, weak woman. Christian Likes Bagdogs offers sympathy. He used his favor with Bischoff to get her job back. Christian hefts Lita's luggage and goes off to get her drunk or something. Such a gentleman.

Commercials. Menards sells bags to keep dogs in. Possibly. Jesus, that's weird.

The same damn Stone Cold thing from the beginning of the show.

Here's footage of Cubes, Hero of the People getting beat down. That should have been a Dairy Queen. Because he worked at Dairy Queen this one time, see? Eh. He comes off as a complete doof, but trust me, he's awesome and rich and crazy. Why do so many basketball celebrities get involved with the Diamond Cutter?

Evolution chills backstage. Randy Orton's favor is an Intercontinental title match at Armageddon. The Honky Tonk Man is derided.

Jericho meets Trish backstage. She's wary of his involvement in the Lita scandal. Chris smooths it over. Eww, they start playing Canadian tonsil hockey. Jericho's dad was a professional.

Commercials. Lugz let you levitate cars and then spin them like records. Why they would make that record-spinning noise, I have no idea.

Wow, they put together a RAW Roulette promo already. That's impressive, Kevin Dunn. Now if only you could learn to cut away when people forget to cover their boobs.

Bee Arthur, Estelle Randy, and Batista White (w/ Ric McClanahan) v. Dreyfus from Empty Nest

I told you'd I'd do Evolution as the Golden Girls. Don't sleep on TNM. Armageddon is presented by Final Fantasy X-2. Dorks. I guess only one member of Evolution can be in the ring at a time.

Orton and Goldberg. Lockup, Randy's shoved back. Bill goes for another grapple, but Orton kicks him in the ribs. Clubbing and a side headlock. Orton's whipped off and plowed with a shoulderblock. Berg knocks both Batista and Helmsley off the apron. Gorilla press for Orton! Thrown outside onto his partners! Uh oh, he landed badly and Triple H immediately started hugging him. Let's hope his career is over. No such luck. Goldberg murders everybody and throws Orton back in.

Poke to the eye by Orton, who makes the exchange with Dave. Clothesline ducked, right hands by Berg. Side headlock, whipped off, and the shoulderblock yields no results. There's an unnecessary mute for some reason. Bacon dares Bill to try another shoulderblock, so Goldberg take one false step and then drills him with a clothesline. Heh. You got outsmarted by Goldberg, dawg. No Wild Cherry Pepsi for you. Maybe some sort of banana flavor. JR: "Batista's addled!" What the hell, dude? Is Chris Nowinski feeding you vocabulary words? Gold whips Dave and kills him with an over-the-shoulder powerslam. 1, 2, no. Helmsley saves late.

Tag to Triple. He strikes with right hands, but Bill responds. Corner whip, back bodydrop for Helmsley. Kneelift and a single underhook slam by the champ. Ready for Spearses, but Ric Flair takes out his broken ankle. High knee! Sissy little punches, then a tag to Batista. Clubbing. Corner whip, hard corner clothesline. Orton's back. Fistdrop. Goldberg retaliates with a flurry of punches, but Randy stops him with a kneelift and nice standing dropkick. HHH returns. SPEAR!!! Clothesline for Orton! And Batista! One more for each man. Bill's next clothesline sends Randy to the floor.

Sidewalk slam for Batista! Helmsley's about to take the Jackhammer Jewplex, but Orton saves. Not Jackknife, JR, you jackass. Jacks are wild. Double whip by Evolution's young hosses, but Bill wipes them out with a double clothesline. Whip for Triple H, head down too soon, facebuster! Orton's up... Retarded Knock-Off! BAAAAANG! Tag to Batista... BANANABOMB! Helmsley's turn... Pedibee! Cover, 1, 2, 3! Batista's powerbomb isn't a Tigerbomb, JR, you nutcase. Maybe Evolution just has some obsession with striped animals.

Dave and Randy hold Goldberg for post-match shitbeatery. Triple H proclaims that it's not over until he says its over. It'll be a rehash of Survivor Series' World title match next week on RAW, which Helmsley will probably win. Well, that'll be horrible. Triple H is going to Pillmanize Goldberg's fucking NECK. But He'll Walk Through Hellfire And Brimstone To Do Something That Makes No Sense! Evolution bail rather than tangle with Kane and Katie Vick's ghost. Choke for Goldberg! Chokeslam! Explode! Exclamation!

Final Thoughts: Wow. Either that was really good, or I was just mesmerized by Sergeant Slater and bagdogs. Hagfrogs. Still, they shouldn't be allowed to have a show in Beaumont without Stevie and Victoria.