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Star Trek: I don't know, I was trying to finish watching PTI. I can, however, tell you that the hair stylist for this particular episode was a Mr. Gus Le Pre!

Last Week, Glass Ceiling.

RAW opening. Our hosts are Sooners Lost Again Haha and My Only Redeeming Quality Is The Fact That I Always Make Fun Of JR When The Sooners Lose. Tonight, Triple H will get revenge for his throat by making RVD job to him in a #1 Contender's Match.

Some people with really bad teeth are in The World.

Ass Cream Thieves v. One Hour Photo

Clips of what was probably a Russo-inspired segment last week. Have I mentioned that I love Three Minute Warning's entrance music? A lot? Rico order his boyz to go for the ambush, but the Dudleyz are ready for it. General brawling. Rosey spears the ringpost rather than Buh Buh. But Jamal's got his back with a back suplex. Ugh, that was nearly a pun. D-Von sends Jamal flippin' with a clothesline. Right hands, double whip by the Dudleyz, but Rosey's too fat to fall to a double shoulderblock. His double clothesline is ducked, however, and the Dudleyz connect on a nice double back suplex. I think I just expended my supply of the word "double" for this week.

Being the competent half of the team, Jamal fells both opponents with a (DUBBLE) clothesline. Is that a medal pinned to his jersey? Did he serve in the Samoan war or something? Buh Buh and Rosey execute that spot where they both go for the crossbody at the same time. It's funny with both participants are 300+ pounds. Rico uses a delightfully limp-wristed gesture to tell Rosey to tag out. And he does, but so does Buh Buh. The Dudleyz pinball Jamal around for awhile. Now D-Von's yanking his arm. Back comes Buh Buh. Chops are traded. More boring armbarrery. Buh Buh rolls it into a takedown and two count.

D-Von returns with a free shot. Still working the arm, but Jamal clubs free. Armbar takedown in response by Dudley. Whip reversed, and D-Von SMASHES Rico who was perched on the apron. Another reversal, but this time Rosey takes out D-Von's feet. Jamal delivers a big phat splash across the back. D-Von's back is driven into the edge of the apron by Rosey. Back in the ring, Dudley surprises Jamal with a leaping clothesline. He's ready for a tag, but Buh Buh was off being stupid somewhere with the referee. Go heel on him again, Reverend.

Jamal sends D-Von into Rosey's head, because Samoans have hard, racist heads. An exchange is made. Double shoulderblock and elbowdrop by the heels. Some mounted punching now from Rosey. Whip, sunset flip attempt by D-Von, but Rosey makes like his father/uncle/cousin/sister Rikishi and tries to sit on him. No go. D-Von drops his opponent with a DDT. Crawling for the hot tag... MADE, but referee Possibly Mike Chioda doesn't acknowledge it because Jamal was fiddling with him. Stupid Buh Buh.

Doubleteaming and an illegal exchange from Three Minute Warning. D-Von is floored by Jamal's throat thrust. Rosey returns with clubbin'. This time it's Rosey who's trying to shove Dudley's head into Jamal's, but D-Von knocks two noggins (OF A POSSIBLE THREE). Reverse neckbreaker. Hot tag, and Buh Buh is a trailer afire! Right hands, corner whip reversed, charge blocked with a boot, big tackle! 1, 2, no!

Rosey reverses a whip but puts the head down too soon... Kick, jukey/jivey/awful punches/elbow. Jamal has the referee's attention, by the by. Another whip reversed, and Rico clips Buh Buh with a kick from behind! Rosey delivers the big belly-to-belly slam! But that little jerk Spike is out to kick Rico's ass. He chucks Jamal down from the top rope! Rosey takes a hotshot, as well. Scoop slam by Buh Buh on Jamal.... D-Von finds out WAZZZZZZUUUUUP with his unnecessarily baggy pants.

The Dudleyz look to be getting all chippy, but Rosey cuts D-Von down with a clothesline. Spinebuster for Buh Buh! JR tells us that Rosey has a "400-pound will". Will Sasso? Shit, Rosey's climbing to the top rope. Ow, D-Von crotches him and he bounces down. Setting up for the 3-D... C'mon, Rico, do something... YES, he clubs Buh Buh from behind! Haha, D-Von performs the 3, but nobody's there for the D. D-Von dispatches Rico anyway. Big corner avalanche by Rosey comes up empty, and THERE'S the 3-D. 1, 2, 3. Blarg.

Help i Have no tracHea and Mount Kilioldmanjaro arrive backstage. The former has a briefcase. Probably got his larynx in there.

Commercials. God damn you, greyhounds. Don't buy a Gamecube because it makes creepy cube-related things happen to your anatomy. Shawn Michaels is still coming to that Peoria Rivermen game. I really hope they mean Sean Miekhaels the high school janitor or somebody. GET YOUR HUNTIN' 'N FISHIN' SUPPLIES AT PEKIN BASS 'N BOW! Cousin Nunzio does.

Hey, the Dudleyz are all dead. Faaaaaan-tastic. JR tells us that Chris Jericho, Christian, and Three Minute Warning laid them out during the commercial break. And we missed it? Goddamn you, WWE. Oh, here are some clips. Spike was the first to take the ambush. He goes off the stage into the announce table! Christian's dropped the red. Good man. Back in the ring, Buh Buh took Rosey's avalanche and Jamal's upchuck Samoan drop. Jericho sends D-Von into the steel steps. Later, Y2J locked him in the Walls of Jericho while Christian delivered A FUCKING ONE-MAN CONCHAIRTO!!! I reiterate: Faaaaan-tastic! Let's call that the Walls of Conchairichto. Come on, cart the stupid lazy Dudleyz off.

Root-Beer is in his office having a talk with Chief O'Brien. He actually does want to be referred to as "Chief Morley". Now Helmsley comes in and bitches. Here we go again. He wants a reward for getting his trachea crushed. And also his title back. I stopped paying attention and started eating fish sticks, sorry. The main event is still on. Helmsley promises "a friggin' trainwreck". Bischoff thinks the match needs a special guest referee. How about The Hurricane?

Commercials. Why is Lore in Nemesis? Lore is stupid. Talk is cheap, but Unreal Championship is... expensive. And not real. Wearing Foot Locker shoes makes everything go in slow-motion! They are magic!

Jericho's got an Anthology Cut. He says his music is akin to "slipping on a mask". I told Rey Mysterio not to leave his mask lying around on the floor.

No I didn't.

Booker T faces Jericho later. Coo. Another replay of the Dudleyz dying. Also coo. That Conchairto sandwich is Grand.

Ugh v. White E. Nuff

Victoria watches Trish from backstage and dons another one of her stolen cowboy hats. "Man, we've been too busy to eat a Subway here tonight, I'll tell ya!" You don't actually eat the SUBWAY, JR. Well, maybe you would. Lockup, side headlock by Ivory. Takeover, cover for two, but Trish counters with a legscissors. Second lockup, and Ivory takes it to a hammerlock. Wrenching the arm now. Stratus reverses the armbar, but Ivory does the same. Takedown, yanking the arm whilst flipping around. Kip up by Trish, armdrag, then a Jap armdrag. Japs.

Stratus strikes with a chop. Whip reversed, Ivory is dropped with a clothesline. Two count again. Ivory retaliates with an enzuigiri. Schoolgirl, 1, 2, no. Clothesline. Kickins. Gutwrench suplex, 1, 2, still no. Ivory stretches Trish's faceholes. Hairpull throw. And repeat. Hairpull slam now for two. Whip, ducked clothesline, and Trish lands a reverse neckbreaker. Everybody's down.

Ivory's punches are blocked, Stratus' are not. Whip, clothesline. Another one. Ivory gets ducked when she attempts one, so Trish kicks her in the face. 1, 2, no. Corner whip, but Ivory blocks a charge with the back elbow. She sits on the top rope so Stratus can bring her down with the handstand hurricanrana. 1, 2, no. Ivory takes over once more with a kneelift and chops. Stratus swings out of a whip, kick, and Ivory has to give her a huge assist on the Stratusfaction. Three count. This match earns a rating of four blargs.

Victoria's fondling peoples' underpants backstage. Uh oh, those are Miss Jackie's underpants. Hooray for jokes about sex toys. Now they're going to wrestle later. The two slam each other into the lockers a lot. Jackie gets the better of it for the sole reason that they're in Texas.

Commercials. The foul taste of those segments is washed away by the awesomeness of the Peyton Manning trash talk commercial. Your defense is offensive. LUGZ LUGZ LUGZ I LIKE TO SAY LUGZ LUGZ LUGZ LURTZ. What? Rygar will hit you with his loincloth or something. The Norelco Spectra is THE Official Razor of James Bond! DID YOU HEAR THAT??? BUY ONE TODAY! IT IS ENDORSED BY A FICTIONAL CHARACTER!!! (Dude, your whole life revolves around fictional characters.) Hm... Point taken.

I am in a strange mood today. And Imaginary Guy I Talk To For Comedic Effect Whom I Stole From CRZ says "dude" too much.

This arena has a big, ridiculous statue of a longhorn steer. Now here are some clips of the stupid WWE float in the Macy's parade. There's Vince. Oh my god, they let The Hurricane on the float. And HHH isn't jobbing him out or anything. His music's even playing. HAHA, whichever Gumbel that is just announced pervy as "Jerry 'The Ring' Lawler". Heh, JR also makes fun of that little tidbit. BEFORE YOU DIE YOU SEE "THE RING". Oh, that was Al Roker, not a Gumbel.

Jericho and Christian break into Midcarder Central and tell everyone to behave lest they end up like the Dudleyz. D-Lo looks like he can dig it. Handshake from Nowinski. Now Christian says it's time for Jericho to prove to Booker T that he ain't not no sucka.

Lizardman and Brokenface v. Flags 'N Panties

You know, I think Matt Hardy's doing a lot better for himself than Jeff. Odd. JR says "Tommy Dreamer did not have a good Thanksgiving because he can't chew!" and I laugh for some reason. Maybe because he said "chew" more like "CHUUU". Clips of Regal breaking Tommy's face with that crappy kick. Then the drop toehold into the chair.

Jeff and Tommy jump their opponents on the ramp. Double barricade-run clothesline for both heels! Tommy takes it to Lance in the ring. He gets the assist on the Poetry in Motion, but Regal jacks him from behind. Whip, Dreamer plants Storm with a spinebuster. He's watering Storm's knee! William tries to break with a kick, but it's blocked and Dreamer goes crazy. Lance manages to catch him with a broken jawbreaker and a nice dropkick. Two count.

Facelock from Lance. Regal tags in and throws a million kneelifts. Back to Storm. Wrenching the neck, then another tag. European uppercut by Regal. Now an armbar/face twist submission. That's a devastating maneuver, the "face twist". Tommy breaks free and punches Storm for no reason, but Regal puts him down. Tag. Whip, stiff back elbow. Two count.

More neck wrenchery. Tommy tries to punch loose, but Lance drop toeholds him. To a front chancery now. Dreamer lifts him briefly in attempt to make the tag. Now a back bodydrop. The tag is made to Hardy, but referee Charles Robinson was busy admonishing Regal. Li'l Naitch forces Jeff out. We really don't need to see that spot more than once per show, guys. While Jeff's bitching, Regal exposes the steel turnbuckle ring. Tommy's big crippled face goes into it. 1, 2, 3. That's the second week in a row that Jeff Hardy has done nothing and Regal and Storm have bored the hell out of me.

Post-match, Jeff Hardy gets beat down again. But he retaliates with a double dropkick. Whisper in the Wind on Lance, jawbreaker on Regal. Looking for the UHHHH double legdrop to the crotch, but Storm cuts down his knee from behind. Sharpshooter. Regal sets up a chair, but Tommy Dreamer returns to run off the heels with his Singapore cane.

Flair's walkin'. "Hey, Dave!" Heh. Batista sniffs a lot. Flair wants to "take advantage of" his "past"? Dave says Ric doesn't know him. HE THOUGHT HE KNEW YOU! As a lad, Batista bounced around from foster home to foster home fighting orphans, I guess. There he goes. Who the fuck's been drawing on the walls? Jesus, that one's not even a wall. Ric and Dave have to walk through a giant piece of flypaper or something to get where they're going. Texas is hellish.

Commercials. "Empire" teaches us that white people are evil. GET 'EM, FAT JOE! "Just" Joe could beat Fat Joe. I do not like Mortal Kombat.

The WWE Hungry Man of the Week is Kane jobbing to Batista.

If you like Bacon Bananas / And gettin' caught in the rain v. This looks like a JOB for: The Hurricane!

Sign: "OU SUCKS". YES. Oh, poor, poor The Hurricane. He gives his mask to some kid. Man, that thing's got a beak on it. The mask, not the kid. Batista ambushes The Hurricane because he's mean. RIPS OFF THE CAPE! So mean. Press slam back into the ring. Our hero scoots free of a powerslam and tries to shove Dave into the turnbuckles. He appears to have injured his Hurrihand. Dave is slightly staggered by right hands, but nothin' doin' on the whip. Huge spinebuster puts The Hurricane down. Flair instructs his young ward to "Hurt 'im". BUT HE'S FROM THE KAKKALAKKIES, RIC! YOU MONSTER!

Dave tosses The Hurricane up and buries him with the Bananabomb. 1, 2, 3. Well, that sucked. You'd think The Hurricane could at least get in a chokeslam attempt or something. Ric orders up a second Bananabomb, but Kane suddenly remembers that he sorta likes The Hurricane/sorta doesn't like Batista and runs out. Daves takes the upper hand until he falls to a leaping clothesline. Clotheslined over the top now. Pyro. Thanks for paying zero attention to the corpse of your little buddy, Kane. I hate everything.

Commercials. Star Track. XBOCKS. ChainClaw wasn't lying about those Simpsons' watches being cheap-looking.

Terri stands backstage with Big Baby Jesus. That's a nonsensical nickname for Shawn Michaels, not Scott Steiner. HBK says his back is okay, sorta. He wants to see the #1 contenders' match. And wants to get his hands on HHH, if you know what he means. RVD shows up suddenly and nods a lot. He tells Michaels he would have beaten him for the title if not for Triple H. "Dude" is said. Now Bischoff pops into the picture. Christ. HBK will be the special referee for the main event. How very unpredictable. Shawn starts rambling about stroke like Jeff Jarrett, but Bischoff tells him he'll be stripped of the title if he doesn't call it fairly.

Vitamin B v. Vitamin C

If Scott Steiner ruins this match, I will fucking kill everyone. That Armageddon logo is cool looking. I think it's trying to summon Apocalypse. Booker T wants Jericho's music cut. "Check it out, dawg." After the events of last week, Booker thinks Jericho has a small penis! Ha ha ha! That would be funny because it makes him less of a man! I wish I could have rebeaked Heat this week instead of this horableness. Booker thinks Y2J should star in "Stuart Little", which makes me think of Michael J. Fox, which makes me think of Booker T again. It's the circle of life. Booker, however, would star in "8 Mile". Due to his large penis. *sigh* I cannot dig it, I'm sorry.

Jericho rushes the ring and eats Booker's clothesline. Forearm shots and chops. Whip, back elbow. More knife-edge chops in the corner. Jericho finally blocks with a back elbow. His clothesline fells T. Knife-edge chops of his own. Choking. Corner whip reversed, and Booker's charge is blocked by a boot. Y2J comes off the second rope with The Stupid, so Book sends him head over heels with a shot to the gut. Vertical suplex, two count. Jericho brings some joy back to Mudville by yelling "OWWWW!" really loud.

Sidewalk slam puts Chris down for another two. Whip reversed, head down too soon, kick, Houston Sidekick is dodged. Booker ends up crotched on the top rope. Springboard dropkick knocks him to the floor! Jericho drives an elbow into the back. In the ring once more, Y2J heads up top... Flying back elbow! 1, 2, no. Rear facelock now as Booker makes fishlips. His little fist is a-pumpin'. T elbows free, but Jericho brings him down by pulling the hair. Axehandle from the second rope and a two count.

Back suplex from Jericho. He's the King of the World, and he demonstrates this fact via shufflyfeet. Up he climbs, but Booker heads him off with a right hand. Jericho's being chopped. T follows him up... SUPERPLEX! But he's too weak to cover. Book gets up and punches away. Flying forearm, two clotheslines. Whip, head down too soon, kick, but Jericho is driven down with a flapjack. Only two. Corner whip reversed, and T slings over with his turnbuckle roll-up... but Jericho rolls through, trying to turn him for the Walls! Got it! Luckily, Booker's right by the ropes. Jericho thinks he's won, but referee Nick Patrick tells him nuh-uh. They exchange shoves.

Now Booker's mounting a comeback. He goes topside... HEATSEEKER! 1, 2, NO! Booker cries. Whip reversed, Jericho's dropkick comes up short... catapult into the turncukles! Turncukles? Jesus. Houston Sidekick to the back of the head! Spinarooni, NO, Jericho interrupts with a bulldog!!! LIONSAULT dodged, Y2J lands on his feet... roundhouse kick delivered by Booker! Setting up for the axe kick is T. Christian's out, so there's a right hand for him. The distraction allows Jericho to get in a double leg takedown. Again looking for the Walls, but Booker rolls him up. 1, 2, NO!!! That close, says Nick Patrick.

Jericho grabs the referee's crotch so that Christian can whack Booker illegally. Christian tries to tie his partner's opponent up in the ropes. But here comes GOLDUST, of all people, to save. I'm almost disappointed that it wasn't Steiner. Fucking Texan bias. As Christian jobs, Booker catches Jericho flush in the face with a thrust kick. Axe kick! 1... No, Chief Morley has some bitching to do. Since Christian and Goldust want to involve themselves in the match so bad, he's going to make it a tag team affair. Awwwww, Christ. For the titles. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww, Christ.

Commercials. I wish I was a Borg or a Data so RAW wouldn't make me feel emotions such as intense sadness and terrible, terrible rage. I need a Two Towers commercial. Throw me a bone here. Dawg.

We're back. This is technically a NUUUUUU match, but I'll be goddamned if I'm making up more nicknames. Goldust fondles himself and fells Christian with a second rope punch. Whip, Christian takes the worst of a shoulderblock and also the worst of that inverted atomic drop. And of that rump bump. Two count. Christian gets back into it with a kneelift. He tags out, but Jericho runs right into an armdrag. Here comes Booker. Goldust holds Jericho up for a high Houston Sidekick! 1, 2, no!

Kneelift and chops by Book. Whip reversed, cheap shot from Christian. He pays for it. Jericho decides to take a powder and say "meh" to the whole situation. I'm with him. Goldust, however, thinks otherwise. Meating of the Minds. Jericho's rolled in for Booker to kill, but Christian lends a hand. Running dropkick sends T outside.

Christian enters off the fake tag. Stomping and choking. Ha, he mocks Goldust's fondling, allowing for a doubleteam on Booker. Tag to Jericho. More choking on the ropes. Jericho does some crazy running before his second rope charge thing. Shufflyfeet, tag. Christian tries to do what his partner just did and ends up crotched on the second rope. Looking for hot tags... Made. Goldust is a flamer. Slappypunch times three, botched reverse neckbreaker. I do not like you, Goldust. He wipes Jericho out with a big clothesline.

10-count punchalong in the corner, but Goldust stops halfway through to level Christian. Director's Cut! 1, 2, Christian saves. Double whip, double slappypunch. Bulldog on Christian. He's being positioned for the Golden KickToTheCrotch. There it is. Now Jericho is drop toeholdededed so that his face goes into his partner's groin. Rollup, 1, 2, no! All the hillbillies thought that was the finish.

Whip reversed, back elbow by Jericho. But Booker tags himself in. Big forearm, spinebuster slam! 1, 2, no! Chop, whip reversed, but Booker swings back with another Houston Sidekick! Shakyhand! Spinarooni!!! Christian's in with a title belt... His swing is ducked, and the faces clothesline him to the floor. Now Jericho's up from behind with a sleeper takedown. Cover, feet on the ropes, 1, 2, KICKOUT! Whip, but T comes right back with the BOOK END!!! 1, 2, CHRISTIAN PULLS THE REF OUT! Book knocks him off the apron with a right hand. Nick Patrick is apparently unconscious from the tremendous strain of being pulled.

Jericho's got that title belt from before... WHACK for Booker! LIONSAULT! Patrick's back... 1, 2, 3!!! That turned out okay. Christian and Jericho hug. They are fine young men.

Ugh, does Special Guest Ref HBK mean he's going to break out the little tiny shorts?

Commercials. Get out... mah house. I bet Hooker will play XBOX Live vs. Peyton Manning. This Spyro commercial is just completely horrible.

RAW Retro, October 12th, 1998. Wifebeater pours cement in McMahon's car. HAHA FUNNAYE HULAGAGHALAGH

Go to WWE.com and vote for your favorite RAW moment. One of them better include Jamison, god damn it.

F-View catches Test and Stacy having a whole lot of sex. She has a marketing idea. Wheeeee.

Jackie Chan Adventures isn't very good anymore v. Victwhorea