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Star Trek: That's crazy, Geordi. You're crazy.

Z-Money is waiting impatiently in the parking lot. A limo pulls up, prompting celebration, but it's Flair instead of Steiner or whoever Bischoff expected. Eric says HHH better reassemble his throat and show up for the #1 contender's match he's booked in. We're told that Flair has a match with Kane tonight, whom he does not "sweat".

RAW Opening. Give it up for your new "Being HHH" Champion, the Holy Bible Kid. He hops his way to the ring. If Michaels doesn't relinquish that title tonight, I will kick a goldfish. HBK promises not to bore us with some long stupid shit, but I bet he's lying. Jesus hates liars, Shawn Michaels. The gist of all this is that Michaels' body is B-B-BROKEN DOWN. He says the sensible thing would be to leave the belt there and go home. But he's not all that sensible. Eww, Michaels' body is a "her". He won't give up the belt. Because he hates me.

Cue the entrance of I CRUSHED HELMSLEY'S FUCKING TRACHEA. Van Dam and HBK shake hands. Look at the dude in the La Parka mask. RVD says he watched Michaels "as a kid". He wants the first title shot. Shawn's impending acceptance is interrupted by Bischoff. If RVD wants to be the #1 contender, he has to earn it in a no-DQ triple threat match. Rob vs. Booker T vs. Chris Jericho. The winner faces HBK next week. God, this is boring. Michaels wants some changes to come to RAW, because I guess God isn't big on necrophilia. No, it offends him as a wrestling fan rather than a Christian. Stop saying "NUUUUUUU".

Now Michaels has to address Triple H. Christ. NUUUUUU. Play his gay music and let's cut our losses.

Spike Dudley is walking and wiggling his arm. Buh Buh and D-Von follow.

Commercials. Can't they stop making Tony Hawk games?

I forgot, our hosts are Those Guys. I have precious little energy this week. JR says tonight begins the celebration of the 10th anniversary of RAW. "RAW RETRO" shows us a clip of the first RAW on January 11, 1993. Heenan, Yokozuna, Taker. That was brief.

Three Minute Rice v. I guess D-Von got tired of Jesus

How did Rico get his hands on Disco Inferno's old pants? The Dudleyz have new music about dropping bombs on yo' momz. I think it's part of an actual song, but I'm far too lazy to check on that. D-Von being back is cool. It will be even cooler if Batista beats the shit out of him. This is a 6-man tag, I guess.

Big brawl on the ramp to start. Ross speculates that D-Von is part of the Big Show trade. Into the ring roll Buh Buh and Rico, so there's the bell. Pounding in the corner. Head down too soon, kick, but Dudley flapjacks his opponent down. Rico pokes the eye to retaliate. Kneelift precedes a whip into the unfriendly corner, but Buh Buh fends everyone off. Rosey and Jamal eventually take out his feet and crotch him on the ringpost.

Tag to Jamal. Right hands, whip, big back bodydrop. Now Rosey's in. Dudley falls to a double shoulderblock and double falling headbutt. Two count. Buh Buh attempts to mount a comeback, but Rosey squashes him with the belly-to-belly slam. Rico enters and heads to the top rope... PANTYSAULT!!! Alas, Buh Buh evaded. Kick is caught, and a clothesline fells Rico. Tag to D-Von! A flurry of right hands. Whip reversed, but Rico gets clocked with a leaping clothesline. Reverse neckbreaker, 1, 2, no.

Rico swings out of a whip before being planted with a sidewalk slam. D-Von clotheslines Jamal and sends Rosey over the top. Another of Rico's feet is caught, so D-Von responds with a crotch kick. Scoop slam, cover, Jamal saves. He's clotheslined over the top rope by D-Von. Now Spike scales the turnbuckles.. He takes out Rosey with a leap to the floor! Rico takes a brief advantage over Buh Buh by attacking from behind. Leapfrog comes up short, so Dudley throws the jukey/jivey/shitty punches/elbow. Rico's slammed down so that D-Von can find out What Is Up with his groin.

The stupid table dance occurs, but Rosey and Jamal interrupt. D-Von gets crushed by Jamal's corner clothesline. Buh Buh ducks one, however, and plants Rosey with a tackle. JAMAL JUST THREW A RESPECTABLE DROPKICK!!! Holy shit. I love Three Minute Warning. Spike's in to attempt the Dudley DAAAAWG, HOLMES... GOT IT! But Rico's back as well... JESUS he absolutely BEHEADED Spike with that roundhouse kick! I fucking love Three Minute Warning. Oblivious to the other Dudleyz, Rico talks some smack to Spike. The crowd's calling it as Buh Buh and D-Von position themselves... 3-D!!! 1, 2, 3!

Stacy's working the phones in attempt to land Test a shirt deal. Now he calls her from wherever. Keibler's going to let the fans decide which Testicle shirt they want made.

Commercials. Shaq is too fucking lazy to even appear in his own Burger King commercial. I'm not entirely sure that's his voice, either. I wish Vlade Divac would just stab him right there on the basketball court. He'd probably go to jail, but at least the Kings might win. No I in Team, Vlade. Unreal Championship is not real.

Bischoff's bitching at someone on the phone. Random Extra enters and tells him HHH is on his way to the arena.

Clips of the Chamberpot match from Survivor Series. Was it God who released that confetti?

Bischoff waits for Triple H in the parking lot. Another limo pulls in. Aww fuck, it's Steiner. He's Eric's "special guest". He hasn't signed with RAW yet, but he obviously will. Bischoff does that retarded "blow on my fingernails and then scrape them on myself" spot.

Commercials. This Metroid Prime commercial is like 33 minutes long. More "Extreme Ops" shit about terrorists. My favorite terrorist is Mad Stan.

The XBOX Rewing is Test playing Dungeon Dice Monsters with The Hurricane.

Keibler's out. I fear that this segment will make me cry. She unveils her shirt designs. I planned to transcribe the slogans, but suddenly I don't feel like it. Sign: "I'M A TESTICAL". Heh. She shoots some shirts into the crowd with a cannon. Oh, thank god. Sweatshirt Richards interrupts. He is displeased about Stacy setting him up last week. Test's in India? Ha. Stevie's about to ATTAX, but Keibler shoots him in the groin with her stupid cannon. Just when you thought he'd been humiliated in every possible way.

Good, Victoria's out to kill Stacy. "Armbreaker". Biting her fingers, also. Victoria spits one of Keibler's fake nails out. Eww. I guess Victoria hangs with Richards now. A'ight.

Commercials. Buy Hogan's terrible book. Menards carries brooms and mops! BROOMS AND MOPS!!!

Thanks for buying Survivor Series, marks.

Backstage, Keibler bitches to Eric about Victoria. Poor audio. Now it's better. Eric is going to make Stacy challenge Victoria for her title.

Flag Team Champions v. Buckleberry Fairy and Jobby Dreamer

Clips of Jeff killing himself at Survivor Series. Everyone brawls on the ramp until Storm chucks Hardy into the barricade. Dreamer's working Regal over inside the ring. Right hands for Lance as well. Storm saves his partner from the DDT. Kneelifts by Regal. Snapmare, another knee. Lance enters with one of those little dancing stomps. Jawbreaker, dropkick. One for Jeff, too.

Dreamer turns the tide on Storm until Regal puts him down with a sweeping left hand. Neck wrench submission, but Dreamer takes Lance up for the Death Valley Driver! Hardy leaps off the apron to floor Regal. Looking for a tag is Tommy, but Regal returns to take Jeff out. He socks Dreamer in the jaw with another one of those shitty little kicks. The camera barely even caught it. Storm covers... 1, 2, 3. Blech.

Post-match, Regal slides in a steel chair. Dreamer takes a drop toehold into the back of it! Ow. Now Tommy's eating his fingers.

At Survivor Series, Scott Steiner buried two far more competent/entertaining competitors. Lupid. The Hurricane should kick Steiner's ass for continuing to wear those Superman panties. Superman sucks. Holler if you want Steiner on Smackdown. Plz holler.

Steiner and his ridiculous headpiece are walking. Does he really think that makes him look tough or something? Jesus.

Commercials. Don't throw shoes at goblins. Clowns sure are good at ATV Offroad Fury. Another Mortal Kombat? Shit.

Sirens alert me to the presence of a shitty wrestler. Indeed, here comes PHYSICAL PHEMOMENON. The only things he cares about are his heaps of Marshmallow Peeps. Or something. Don't say "Big Booty Daddy", JR. Steiner tells us that he likes to have a lot of sex. With freaks. Watch out, Kane. "...I would occasionally turn on RAW, and it would make me wanna PUKE!" We're feelin' you, Scott. He's not sure if he'll join Smackdown or RAW. Maybe he'll just ruin both shows equally.

Oh shit, Y2EGO LOL just interrupted our muscle-kissing session. Jericho tells Steiner that his beard is better. Well, not really, but it IS better. Jericho wants to know who in the hell Steiner thinks he is. He has a better body, also. Posing. Some uninteresting stuff. Steiner is described as "a jive-talkin' moron who dresses like he thinks he's King Arthur!" Scott claims that one of his horrific veins is bigger than Jericho's arm. Shufflyfeet. Jericho pretends to rush the ring but does not. He'd beat the hell out of Steiner if he didn't have to worry about the triple threat later. Okay. Holler.

Commercials. Nothin'.

The Lugz Boot of the Week is Victoria defeating Trish at Survivor Series. NO BOOTS

Stacy's Supposed To Be A Heel, Retards v. The Craziness

Victoria strikes with a kick. Whip, shoulder charges in the corner. Clothesline. Snap suplex, 1, 2, no. Another clothesline. Whip reversed, and Stacy connects with a roundhouse kick. Stomping and a boot choke in the corner. Keibler's charge connects with Victoria's boot, however. Victoria takes Stacy up into some weird Gory Special-looking thing. Whoa, she drops down into a hard neckbreaker. An inverted stunner, sort of. That was sweet. 1, 2, 3. Victoria continues to kill her opponent some more. Test better hurry back from India or Testonia or wherever.

It's Trish Stratus who makes the save and kills Victoria. Whee. But here comes TOTAL HUMILIATION to be beaten down by a woman. Nope, he turns things around and BURIES Trish with the STEEVEETEE! Awesome. Richards and Victoria let Stratus know that they "showed" her. Aww. They're crazy in love!

Commercials. A Subway commercial without Jared or Non-Jared Subway Asshole? Whoa, I think that was Goldberg. Oops, I spoke too soon, there's NJSA. Ken Shamrock is going to Ultimate Fight Tito Ortiz. And you get commemorative POGS! Oh, casino chips. Close enough.

Oh man, The Hurricane gets an Anthology Cut. Look at that Captain Marvel shirt. God bless him. Vince McMahon helped him get the "STAND BACK" soundbyte right. There's a picture of Helms as an incredibly dorky/feminine teen.

Maven has been banished to The World. He presses the flesh with some filthy peasants.

Hobbit Hair is all decked out for Kindergarten. Backpack, chalkboard that reads "BRAINS OVER BRAWN", and a giant lunch cooler or something. That's like the Big Show's lunchbox. Oh, it's a "School of Hard Knocks" match. Outstanding. Nowinski's got the mic. He has unkind words for "the teacher's pet", Maven. Chris says he should have won the first Tough Enough. "Brains always wins out over brawn". Grammar, Chris.

Al Snow is the opponent. I'm not going to bother with a match description thingy. Big swing with the blackboard, but Al ducks. Snow wields it himself... SHATTERED over Nowinski's head! Outside they go. Brawling near the crowd now. Snow's digging plunder out from under the ring. Nowinski tags Al with his bookbag as he tries to re-enter the ring. Haha, Chris has a filthy eraser in his giant fanny pack thing. Chalkdust into the eyes! Spinebuster!

Now Nowinski goes outside for more garbage. I can't tell if that's a dunce cap or one of those queer little ivy league bullhorn things. Get the globe. Jesus Christ, Nowinski rips the arm off of one of those anatomy skeletons and blasts Al with it. Now Nowinski's looking to use the skull, but he simply can't pass up the chance to re-enact that scene from Hamlet. This is the greatest match ever. Alas, Chris' flair for the dramatic allows Snow to smash the rest of the skeleton across his back. The price one pays for being a thespian.

Al's swingin' the severed arm... whack to the ribs. Shot with some posterboard or something. Snow drives the edge of the steel chair into Nowinski's gut, then his head. Trying to dropkick a chair into his face, but it actually came nowhere near the chair. Chris looks to be bleeding from the mouth or cheek or someplace. Ah, it was a dunce cap, as Nowinski's wearing it now. Snow's got his bowling ball... right into the globes. As Snow sets up a quartet of chairs, a gaggle of five-year olds chant "Harvard Sucks".

Whack with a trash can lid. Snow lays his opponent out on the bed of chairs. He's climbing up top? Man. MOONSAULT ONTO THE CHAIRS!!! Holy god. Nowinski moved, and Snow just killed himself. Christopher crawls for the cover... 1, 2, 3! He's bleeding all over his nice tweed jacket.

The Triple Threat is coming up sometime. Kane vs. Flair next.

Commercials. Eh.

Bischoff's talking to... wow, Val Venis. No, he doesn't want to be called Val Venis anymore. He's got a brand new job and brand new responsibilities. Fluffer? Eric gives him some sort of administrative position, I guess. Ross thought Venis was on Smackdown. Does he even watch Smackdown?

Think Of Your Own Damn Nicknames

Flair's not wearing his wrestling gear. He rolls out as soon as Kane hits the ring. Now Ric speaks. "You're Kane!" If Kane harms Flair, HHH will kill him. Kane doesn't kare. Flair scoots outside yet again, exposing Kane's flank to an attack from... Deacon Dave??? Clothesline, spinebuster! BANANABOMB!!!!! God damn. Having laid Kane out, Bacon walks off alone.

Commercials. Slap yo' mama. I wish they'd show that commercial where the cell phone goes "I STAY WIT' DA PANTZ!"

F-View catches Jericho bitching about Steiner to his tag team partner. You're awfully stupid for still hanging around him, Christian. Oh, I guess he does seem perturbed. Jericho only hit him with the chair because he was "caught up in the mood of the Elimination Chamber". He needs Christian's help to win the triple threat match. But Christian's all "talk to the hand".

Booker Baby gets some mic time. Everyone's talking about HHH, HBK, Y2J, RVD, and various other letters when they should be talking about T. He's going to win tonight. k. Spinarooni. What was the point of all that?

Commercials. Maybe you'd be less fat if you stopped eating those Whoppers, Shaq.

I Can Dig Things v. Throatcrusher v. King of Ugly Pants

I feel that RVD should go over as a reward for killing Helmsley. Jericho with some posturing after the opening bell, so Booker and Rob pinball him around for awhile. Whip, roundhouse kick by Booker. Twisting legdrop by RVD. T covers, but Van Dam pulls him off. He kicks Jericho outside, and now Book gets all up in his face. Kicks and punches by RVD. Whip reversed, backflipped over, nice hurricanrana! Cartwheel into a backflip splash... 1, 2, no.

Whip, Booker ducks a kick and lands a sidewalk slam. RVD gets clotheslined down for two. Jericho already tries to use his tag belt as a weapon, but Booker halts his charge with a kick. T blocks Jericho's punch and puts him in a hammerlock. Now RVD's got the title belt... Jericho ducks, causing Van Dam to nail Booker. No DQ, so it's all good. Y2J pitches Van Dam outside and wisely attempts a cover on T. Only two. As Jericho argues with referee Earl Hebner, RVD climbs up... springboard thrust kick! 1, 2, no! Jericho's "bullshit" got muted.

RVD and Y2J mix it up in the corner. Knife-edge chops. Corner whip reversed, unnecessary somersault, monkey flip! 1, 2, kickout. RVD chokes his opponent with a boot. A stomp for Booker, as well. Whip, Jericho slides through the legs, leaps over a legsweep, and clips Rob with the enzuigiri. Again two. Corner whip reversed. Van Dam charges in with kicks to the face. Booker's been down for an unrealistically long period of time. Jericho charges into a back elbow and eats a thrust kick from the second rope. T finally makes his presence felt by breaking Rob's cover.

Tossed out is RVD, but Jericho clubs Booker from behind. More chops. Whip, flying forearm from T! He throws some chops of his own. Sunset flip by Jericho, but Booker rolls through and grabs the legs... turning him for the Walls of Jericho! Booker gets it! But RVD breaks with a kick to the ribs. Rob drops T with his own axe kick! 1, 2, kickout. Jericho's on the top rope... FIVE STAR FROG SPLASH on RVD! Slow to cover... 1, 2, NO! Everyone's down.

Booker and Y2J trade blows. T gets the best of it, but Jericho avalanches him in the corner. Brawling and choking from the tag team champion. Whip, dropkick. Another whip, but Booker charges forward with a high kick. He's got a case of the shakyhand... drops to one knee... and RVD busts him with a front dropkick! Jericho reverses an Irish whip, but Van Dam gets the legs. Catapulted all the way to the floor! Brief kick for Booker, then Rob goes out after Jericho. Asai moonsault dodged, but RVD lands on his feet. Jericho dispatches him with a HARD bulldog on the floor! Now Booker's baseball slide dropkick sends Y2J into the barricade!

AXE KICK on RVD! Book rolls Jericho back inside. Whip, kick by Jericho, but he's HAMMERED down by T's spinebuster slam! 1, 2, no! RVD's completely dead outside. Jericho takes chops in the corner. Whip reversed so that Chris can bounce off the ropes with another bulldog. LIONSAULT evaded, but this time it's Jericho who lands on his feet. HOUSTON SIDEKICK! Spinarooni! Jericho's bandage is flappin' in the wind. He goes down to another heel kick. Booker's measuring Jericho for the axe kick, but I spy Christian heading down the ramp with a steel chair. WHACK for Booker! Jericho cradles him... 1, 2, NO!!! Neither Canadian is pleased.

Double leg takedown... Y2J turns Booker for the Walls of Jericho! Crawling for the ropes is T... So close, but Jericho drags him back to the center of the ring. Christian does a happy dance. So Scott Steiner runs out and clotheslines him from behind. What a dick. Big forearm breaks the Walls of Jericho. Steiner's decimating both tag champs. Military press for Christian, several reps, and he's dropped. Overhead belly-to-belly suplex for Jericho! Kick, double underhook powerbomb! Steiner does push-ups. Ass. Now he heads back up the ramp.

As it stands, Jericho's dead and RVD's struggling to pull himself to the top rope... He's there. FIVE - STAR - FROG - SPLASH!!! But the impact makes him slow to cover. Van Dam hooks the leg... 1, 2, 3!!! Rob celebrates as Shawn Michaels makes his way to the ring. Another handshake. Sissy-ass faces. The World title provides a backdrop for RVD and HBK's staredown. They'll go next week. We're out.

Hmm, HHH's gay bachelor friend versus the dude who SMASHED HIS LARYNX/WINDPIPE/ADAM'S APPLE/SOMETHING. I wonder who'll win that one.

Final Thoughts: The actual wrestling was pretty lackluster up until the main event, but there was enough stupid shit to keep me entertained.