Last Night: We goin'... home.

Around The Horn: Max Kellerman is pro-breast cancer. And the Disembodied Voice stole my horrible joke about doing the Bartman.

"Pardon The Interruption, but I'm Mike Wilbon. Screw the goat, screw the fan, screw the world, and, Tony, screw you too."

"I'm Tony Kornheiser. Hmm. I gather the Cubs didn't win last night."

Welcome to PTI, boys and girls. Well, boys. Well, boy. "In today's episode, Wilbon laments the end of the line for the Cubs, while Red Sox fans hold their breath, work their rosary beads, and prepare for another cold winter staring into the DEEP ABYSS."

First Topic - Sox/Yanks: Wilbon wants this game to start so he can stop weeping about the Cubs. No violence is predicted. They've put the Kornheiser/Wilbon pumpkinheads out for this year. Tony thinks his BOYS the Yanks are going to job. NOMAH. But Mike won't discount Derek Cheater.

Second Topic - Cubs: M-Dub offers soundbytes. "Well, the only thing worse than the Cubs not making it to October is making it and then collapsing into a heap... I think it's the most demoralizing collapse EVER for a franchise known for its futility." Kornheiser: "This is not Will and Grace. I'm not gonna reach out and touch ya and comfort ya in any way." He does feel badly for him, however. Like Dusty Baker, Tony doesn't "get" the whole tradition of losing. Wilbon starts in with I Told You Sos. He doesn't agree with Kerry Wood's own assessment of chokery.

Third Topic - Cubs Fan: Poor Bartman. He's been offered ASYLUM by the governor of Florida. It's a gotsta go sitchiation. "But this Florida thing's not funny. See, Jeb, Jeb Bush may think it's funny. 'Ah, come on down, ha ha ha! We'll accept ya here in Florida.' People aren't laughin' in Chicago." Michael puts Bartman up there with all the tragic Chicago farm animals. Kornheiser says that the fan's dumb ass got Gonzalez and Farnsworth off the hook. Wilbon: "He needs to go on Oprah! He needs to be on Oprah, a Chicagoan, go on Oprah..."

Fourth Topic - Marlins: The Marlins are given their propers. Pssh. Wilbon declares them to "probably" be better than the Cubs. Tony: "The Florida Marlins got no disrespect nationally any more than they get in their own home where they average 16,000 people in Florida. This franchise shoulda been CONTRACTED three years ago, and I don't know how you can sit here on this set and not say it's a JOKE that they've got one World Series ring and could get another and you got none." Wilbon's not hatin' on them. I am.

Pardon The Interruption is presented by Smirnoff Ice Triple Black and 10 10 987. Uncle Jesse's a drunk.

Commercials. Test hates Smirnoff Ice. Stamos gets his tomatoes burned. Papa John's has lots of awful pizzas with pineapple. Man, these are as boring as Spike TV commercials.

Five BAD Minutes (OMG!) with Richard Justice of The Houston Chronicle: I like Justice, actually. He doesn't think any crazed New Yorkers will murder Pedro Martinez. Wilbon starts asking a question and Richie's all "IS THAT MR. CUB???" Cold. Nobody knows how long Pedro can go in the game because he's such a pussy. He doesn't have the juice. Banana juice. Martinez and Don Zimmer haven't communicated since their cage match. The Yankees' middle relief is awful, but they might use Mussina in that role tonight. Moose sucks. Or maybe Wells, but he's fat. George Steinbrenner will kill himself and others if the Red Sox win. And go on a FIAAAAHRING spree. Tony: "In two words or less, either Red Sox or Yankees, who's gonna win Game 7?" Justice: "The Red Sox." Tony: "That's three words. You said 'the'."

Commercials. Staples sells, among other things, staples. How the fuck did Zach Hovan or whatever his name is get an endorsement deal? Nobody can find Joey Harrington because he's watching The Lion King. That's funny because a) he plays for the Detroit Lions and b) he sucks.

Toss-Up #1 - Nomar or Jeter?: Tony: "JETER!!!! *numerous orgasms*" The difference between Nomar and Jeter is lack of jewelry. Bling bling. Wilbon can't disagree because he's GUTLESS.

Toss-Up #2 - Ortiz or Giambi?: Who the fuck cares about David Ortiz? Kornheiser, apparently, because he PICKS HIM. Michael's got Giambi.

Toss-Up #3 - Red Sox Bullpen or Yankees Bullpen?: Kornheiser wants the Yankees because of Mariano Rivera's mad World Series-blowing skillz. Wilbon takes the Sox. This is boring. Make fun of the Cubs some more.

Toss-Up #3 - More Annoying Fans, Sox or Yanks?: Tony thinks Mets fans are worse than Yankees fans. No. He doesn't like the Red Sox fans and their constant crying. Sign: "HEY, PEDRO... WILL YOU KNOCK ME OFF MY WHEELCHAIR?" I will if he won't, Droz. Wilbon: "I'm not gonna say that the New York Yankee fans are obnoxious..." What the hell are you talking about? Just look at Kellerman. Mike is also weary of the Cubs/Sox bellyaching. "I'm sick of... US."

Toss-Up #4 - Better Zimmer, Brawlin' or Bawlin'?: Hahaha. Kornheiser goes with brawlin', because it's funny when fat old septuagenarians get into fights. "I want Zim at age 72 to go out there like a FAT, OVERFED RHINOCEROS... I want him to hold his metal-plated head up high!" Wilbon likes bawlin'. Tony: "He's not just old school, he is so old school that when he went to school there was no History, it was Current Events. I love Don Zimmer. He's the man! He's the man in America right now! America looks to Zim!" Wilbon: "Is that what you think the man is? Gettin' your head rammed into the turf? Like a WWF match?" Get The F Out, Mikey. "You want Zim off the top rope, is that what you want?"

Commercials. T.G.I.Fridays will spear you in the delicious ribs. Queen Latifah's not a real queen! ROOFLES!

It's Happy-Happy time. Happy 31st Birthday to Kordell Stewart. Your present from the Chicago Bears is a big fat seat on the bench.

Happy Anniversary to Sofa's boys the '69 Mets. Wilbon's all "LA LA LA I AM NOT LISTEN-ING LA LA LA". "I don't hate the Yankees, but I DO hate the Mets."

Happy Trails to Doug Johnson for not being as fast or as black as Mr. Michael Vick. Show us the way, Rush. The way to painkiller addiction.

Please welcome He's Just A Sexy Boy. He's Not Your Stat Boy. He says nothing of interest.

Big Finish: Leave Warren Sapp alone. That means you, Tracy Morgan. Bobby Knight is a dick. Charles Oakley hates Tim Floyd. The "Charlotte Bobcats" hired some goon I'm unfamiliar with. Wilbon's "rootin' for the Sox, my boyz in misery, my peeps", but must ultimately pick the Yankees to win. Time, time, Tony.

Final Thoughts: This is what we get for trustying Dusty.