Pre-Whatever This Is: God, I have nothing to do until Fire Emblem comes. All my other video games have a Chavo Guerrero-like effect, except for Dynasty Warriors 5, which only breeds furious anger. It always ends in a contest to see how far I can shotput the PS2 controller. I'm the Hardcore Holly of console gaming.

So yeah, I dipped into my library of PPVs that were probably taped via illegal means in the late 90s and came up with World War 3. Featuring a 60-man battle royal to determine the #1 Contender to Goldberg's World Heavyweight Championship. The Jews are back, and this time it's personal!

This tape was not rewound. Someone is very unkind.

"WARNING! Federal law provides severe civil and criminal penalties for the unauthorized reproduction, distribution or exhibition of copyrighted Pay Per View events. Criminal copyright infringement is investigated by the FBI and may constitute a felony with a maximum penalty of up to five years in prison and/or a $250,000.00 fine and/or two trips in a trunk."

Digeridoo music sells us on the Bret Hart/DDP feud. Each of the 60 battle royal participants gets a millisecond of screen time, I guess. I think I just saw Randy Orton somehow. Maybe it was Renegade.

Earlier Today, Twitchy Twitch arrived in a limo like some big fancy-pants. Dollar-Dollar Bill.

Hahaha, this lame little toy fighter plane from Big Lots swoops down for the "AUBURN HILLS, MI" graphic. Welcome to The Palace, bitch. Perhaps Muhammad McFly will go back in time and HASSAN someone. God, I hope so. Pyro. Fat Tony: "And the butterflies in the back! The butterflies in the dressing room are really the big ones we need to talk about here tonight!" I guess The Palace is infested with insects or something? Call Rusty Shackleford.

Your hosts are The Greatest Butterflies In The History Of Our Great Sport, Dr. Angus, and Plz Insert Thickburgers Into The Hole In My Throat. Seriously, I just now realized how much Mike Tenay reminds me of the good doctor. Luchadors bring him pleeeezure! Hollywood Hogan is not here. Hooray. Three rings tonight. That's twelve sides, TNA! Eat it!

Remove Your Pants And Call The Hotline is talking for no reason. Mean Gene thinks a midget will win the battle royal for some reason. 1-900-909-9900.

Chilly Willy v. Plz Do Not Eat My Grapes

Aww, fuck this. Stop wearing Kaz Hayashi's armor, Glacier. Sign: "EL DANDY MAKES ME RANDY". Seriously. I've never seen this referee before in my entire life. "Brady Boone"? Whatever. People boo Glacier because he's stupid. He does not care to lock up. There we go, but Wrath pitches Glacier through the ropes. Glacier stalls to prolong the excitement. Here come kung-fu kicks. Whip reversed, Glacier somersaults under a clothesline and hits a bad dropkick. Wrath no-sells while Buzz runs through his dumbass karate poses. A chop takes Glacier down. YAY ROLL OUTSIDE FOR MORE STALLING. He gets kneelifted off the apron and into the guardrail. Brawling and shit. Wrath reverses a whip into the barricade, sending Glacier into the crowd. Larry the Cable Guy looks to be in the front row. Back to the ring for stuff. Whip reversed by Wrath, whose clothesline makes Glacier go flipsy. Tenay tells us that Wrath is going to be on the Mortal Kombat TV show in January. 1999. "The world is catching on to Wrath!" Which is why he's such a famous movie star today. A mudhole is stomped in Glacier. Icehole. Asshole. Heenan: "I think the world is catchin' on to WCW!" Which is why it's in such good shape today.

Various chokes by Adam Bomb. Wandering around while Glacier lays there. He pokes the eye and kicks back. Whip reversed, clothesline by Wrath. He covers with his feet on the ropes for two. I guess there are no faces in this match because neither man is likeable. Choked with a camera cable. Glacier signals for a timeout because he attended Larry Brown's summer camp. More shit happens until Wrath misses a charge and gets kicked in the face. There's an AWFUL Cryonic Kick that hits Wrath in like the shoulderblade. Ted Williams' frozen head could have delivered it better than that. OH NO HERE COMES "THE ICE PICK"!!! It's an Asiatic Spike. So lame. But Wrath blocks by grabbing Glacier's little thumb. Wrath delivers the pumphandle slam, as shitty wrestlers are wont to do. That's the Meltdown. 1, 2, 3. Just anotha victim of Global Warming.

Here's a package about how Bret Hart will hit you with a chair. Buffer said his name right that time. Jesus Christ, he's delivering a promo in front of a hockey net. Chris Benoit "forgot his Canadian heritage." Welcome to Atlanta (Where The Players Play.) Did Bret just say "Maybe I'll take his legs and throw 'em out into the crowd?"

Zapping You With My Stevie Ray (w/ Matt Hardy Virgil-One) v. 1 Live Kru

Hoo boy. Stevie Ray has a toothpick? Alright, then. Konnan does his spiel. Stevie Ray has apparently been calling himself "The Enforcer," which makes Mike Tenay mad. Konnan's forced into the corner for a beatdown. Now Stevie charges into boots and eats the stupid rolling clothesline. Konnan plays with his balls. Snapmare and a front dropkick to the face. Stomp crazy. Stevie's ass says "SLAP JACK". Grounded abdominal stretch by Konnan. Forearms and shit. Whip, Papa Shango, clubbing blow by Ray. Shitty kick to the face. Some finger dap for Vincent. Whip, clothesline, 1, 2, no. Konnan's tossed out so Virgil can whack him. Heenan notes the slapjack in his back pocket. Vincent chokes. He's the NWO's "Head of Security." Virtually indistinguishable from Doug and Danny Basham. Konnan dies in a Ninja Chokeout for awhile, but his arm fails to fall thrice. He blocks a hiptoss and gets a backslide for two. And Stevie just clotheslines him back down. 1, 2, foot on the rope.

Scoop slam by Steven. He telegraphs his big, dumb elbowdrop, so Konnan evades. Punchin'. Whip, leapfrog, mule kick, carpetmuncher. Konnan takes a swing as Virgil gets mouthy, allowing Stevie to poke the eye. Trying a whip into Vincent's slapjack shot, but it gets reversed. Oh dear. Konnan knocks Vincent off the apron. Mounted punching on Stevie. Konnan shoves referee Billy Silverman away because he has snapped and stepped into the Taco Bell zone. And so Konnan gets Dairy Queened. What a finish. Now I AM FROM HARLEM NO REALLY is out to tell Konnan to chill. And so he does. T attends to his brother, who doesn't appreciate it. Ray leaves with Vincent. NU-NU-NU WORLD ORDER.

Prease To Be Calling Our Mothers v. Wait, So You're Not The Sailor?

Sonny Onoo "now resides in his many homes around the world." And he's in a karate gi. Schiavone: "Don't compare Mark McGwire to Sonny Onoo." Crotch chop by The Cat? They'll be facing Kaz Hayashi and Saturn for some fucked-up reason. Haha, Saturn's sirens play over ching-chongy Japanese music. That's stupid. I like Kaz'z pants.

Cat starts with Kaz. He'll give him five seconds to get all up out of here. Miller turns his back and counts, so Kaz tags Saturn in. Winding up for punches when he turns around. Whip, but Cat bails out. Back in to face Kaz. Kaz kicks and chops, but Cat pulls him into a scoop slam. Wacky karate pose. Kaz ducks a lockup and applies a waistlock. Back elbow breaks it before Miller kicks him in the chest. Stomps, choking. Referee Scott Dickinson threatens to tell his mama. Another bodyslam, then a tag to Onoo. ONOO MY CAH. He kicks Hayashi a lot, but Kaz doesn't feel like selling. Haha, Sonny pulls a stack of cash out of thin air, seemingly, and offers it to Kaz. Punch! Dolla dolla bills go flying. Heenan: "I'll be right back." Sonny scoots through the legs and tags Ernest. He saves Christmas by kicking Kaz in the chest again. Akio Dance!

Dead Kaz brought in Perry. He ducks Cat's clothesline and chops him. Head-and-arm Tazzplex! Off the ropes for a flying back elbow. Miller fires back with palm thrusts or whatever. Kicks in the corner. Cat stands on Saturn's throat with his stinky bare feet. Saturn turns things around in the corner. Kicks to the head, corner whip, but Cat prevents a superkick with his legsweep. Yet another scoop slam. Onoo would rather not face Saturn, but Cat tells him to man up. Little toe poke, then he tries to tag right back out. Miller won't stand for it. Saturn catches Sonny's next kick and takes him down into a STF. Cat tries to break, only to hit Onoo by accident. Saturn tags Kaz. Double whip on Miller, douple dropkick. Heh, Onoo's cornermen are fanning him with a towel. Cat begs off to lure Hayashi into an eye rake. Clubbin' blows. Clubbing does indeed blow. Kaz is tossed into the corner so Sonny can kick him heelishly. Onoo returns for free kicks to the chest. Trying a big roundhouse, but Kaz catches him. Hayashi holds Onoo up in the air for about ten seconds before Cat realizes he's supposed to do something. A really weak kick to the back knocks Kaz flat.

Sonny tags out so Cat can stomp. 1, 2, no. "C'mon, man! I'm the greatest!" Here's the greatest Ninja Chokeout, but Kaz immediately escapes with a jawbreaker. Hot tag to Saturn, who applies a hot side headlock. Into a snap suplex. Back to Kaz for some reason for a chop, but Miller goes to the throat. Foot choke in the corner. Is this ever going to end? Slap from Onoo. Scoop slam #1,000,000, tag to Sonny. Kaz keeps rolling clear of his fistdrops. Right into the friendly corner for the tag to Saturn. Begging off as Cat tries to sneak in, but Saturn chops him. Belly-to-belly suplex! Clothesline, T-Bone! Sonny looks to strike, but Kaz grabs him. The ref forces Hayashi out, causing Onoo to LOL as Saturn menaces him from behind. Setting up a suplex or something, but Cat returns to karate kick Saturn in the face. Onoo falls into a cover, 1, 2, 3. And off they run.

To the famed Internet Location, where Marshall, Marshall, Marshall! speaks with I Love 1998 Strikes Back. Fucking Chris Berman jokes. Jericho's dressed in his "hottest duds." Last time we saw him, he was hogtied by Bobby Duncum Jr. "That's propaganda perpetrated by WCW."

Post-Fleas, Pre-Dick Jacket v. Some Jabroni Named You-Know-What

YOU-KNOW-WHOOOOOOVENTUDE. DUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH. Wifebeater Kidman had cute music. This is for Juvi's Cruiserweight Title. OMG HE'S WEARING AN LWO SHIRT AS A CAPE!!! Mean Gene: "LWO, you sold out!!!" I Am Looking At You Because You Are Talking To Me rushes out to a snippet of his fabulous music. Eddie explains that "his boy" Juvi has seen the light. "Only by sticking to the raza can we keep Eric Bischoff from oppressing us and holding us down and gettin' that raise that we so well deserve!" Now I AM YOUR FAMEEEEELIA arrives to bitch about how he apparently didn't get a title shot because Juventud is now in the fold. I didn't remember Rey being in the LWO. Shrug. Eddie thinks it's in the Latino World Order's best interests for Guerrera to remain Cruiserweight Champion. Haha, Juvi starts hugging on Rey until he's all "Dude, quit." Eddie, to Rey: "Do you have family?" You know he does, you threatened his children. Eddie plans to teach Rey a valuable lesson about selfishness, but Mysterio vows to do something about this. Now he declines another hug. So uncaring. I guess Kidman was taking a nap in the ring while all that went on. SIGN: "I'm 50% MEXICAN GO LWO". Sign: "JUVI IS GROOVY!" Hahaha. I hate you people.

Guerrera's wearing a fabulously gay pinkish-purple bodysuit, by the way. Kidman tells him he sold out. Small Naitch is your referee. Lockup, armwringer by Billy. Juvi somersaults around to counter with a kick. Snapmare and a front chancery, but Kidman quickly bridges up. Juventud takes it to a side headlock. Whipped off, but Kidman eats the shoulderblock. Off the ropes, Juvi hops over, Kidman's leapfrog is unnecessary as Juvi clings to the ropes, shot blocked by both men, hard chop by Guerrera, but Kidman forearms him in the face. More blows are traded until Kidman takes the advantage. Whip, Juvi tries to slide through the legs but Kidman catches him. Shoved into the ropes, hiptoss blocked, so is Juvi's. Kneelift, but Juventud nails a Rocker Dropper rather than go flippy-flippy. Guerrera showboats. Chop. Corner whip reversed, Kidman misses a charge, Juventud hits the ropes for a nice tilt-a-whirl headscissors. Charge, but Willy meets him with the BK Bomb! The most enormous of all omelettes. Kidman scoops Juvi over his shoulder for a powerslam. To the apron, slingshot legdrop. 1, 2, no.

Whip, but Juvi sidesteps whatever for a schoolboy. 1, 2, no. He ducks Kidman's clothesline and hefts him into a mini-Alabama Slam. Elbowdrop. Lazy cover, 1, 2, no. Snapmare, Ninja Chokeout. Juventud relents to send Kidman's head into the top turnbuckle. Chop, hard corner whip reversed, and Kidman knocks the shit out of him with the rebound clothesline! Guerrera's sent to the top turnbuckle, but he fends off a superplex attempt. Kidman rushes back in and eats a boot. Tornado DDT attempt, but Billy dumps Juventud to the apron. He eats the guillotine Diamond Cutter, regardless. Juvi ascends... plancha, but Kidman meets him in mid-air with a dropkick! 1, 2, no. Billy stomps all angrily. Guerrera's pitched outside for Kidman's pescado. Juvi's face is smashed onto the apron before Kidman climbs up... Guerrera meets him on the top, and they trade shots. William's knocked down so that Juvi can climb... TOP-ROPE 'RANA sends Kidman off the apron and to the floor! "Juvi Sucks". He picks Kidman up for a hard chop.

Back in, cover, 1, 2, no. Brainbuster! 1, 2, no! Guerrera keeps Kidman grounded with a headlock. Picked up so that Kidman can fight a little, but Juvi dropkicks him back down. Corner whip and a charge, but Guerrera's backdropped to the apron. He staggers Kidman with a shoulder charge. Springboard missile dropkick! Willy rolls outside to die. Juventud wipes him out with a springboard plancha! Head to the apron. Back in for Juvi's own slingshot legdrop. 1, 2, no. He tosses Kidman into one of the perpendicular rings. Juvi springboards from Ring #1 to Ring #3, losing his balance and dropkicking Kidman right in the crotch! Heh. 1, 2, no! Guerrera is befuddled. He picks Kidman up and gets surprised by a nice dropkick! Mark of Excellence by Kidman! 1, 2, no! I forgot he used to do that. Corner whip, but Billy's dumb splash misses. Juvi wanders around some more. He picks Kidman up into an inverted atomic drop. Arranging Kidman near the corner, but Juvi opts to climb the other set of turnbuckles for some reason. Kidman makes it to his feet and crotches him. He scales the ropes of Ring #1 and headscissors Juvi back into that one! Shit, Kidman goes back to the top turnbuckle of Ring #3, as Guerrera is a million miles away... stepping to the other set of ropes for a springboard crossbody! 1, 2, NO! Whip reversed, head down too soon, and Juvi gets kicked. Kidman rushes him in the corner and gets backdropped, hanging himself up on the ropes of Ring #2. Juvi walks the ropes into that ring for a top-rope hurricanrana! 1, 2, NO! Motioning for the Juvi Driver... no, Kidman goes behind! Trying an inverted suplex, but Guerrero flips behind on that! Spun, Juvi Driver! But both men are dead.

Miniscule Naitch counts seven before Guerrera revives himself. Dragging William over to the corner... Nobody home for the 450 Splash, but Juvi lands on his feet! Ground-based MCFS by Guerrera! Mars Terrestrial Fire Surround! 1, 2, NO!!! Now he's all pissed at Charles Robinson. Hahaha, Juvi totally gave him a little bitchslap. Tony: "That's gonna be a $5,000 fine, I can tell ya that!" Juventud bitches at the crowd for awhile. In his dementia, he tries to powerbomb Kidman, but YOU CAN'T DO THAT ON TELEVISION!!! Facebuster. 1, 2, no. Whip, Juvi hops until wheelbarrow suplex position, and Kidman fucking BURIES HIM with one! Pulled into the corner... Kidman has an itchy R-Trigger finger on account of the fleas, but Juvi pops up and crotches him! Guerrera climbs up behind William, but Rey Mysterio is skulking around. He hangs onto Kidman's little jean shorts, causing Guerrera's top-rope 'rana to fail! SHOOTING STAR PRESS!!! 1, 2, 3! Hot shit. Mysterio and Kidman celebrate. If only Rey knew that Kidman will totally forget to turn on him one day. Uh oh, the LWO is pissed. Eddie, Parka, Damien, Hector Garza, Psicosis, El Dandy, and that other dickhead who was Eddie's bodyguard. Spider or whatever. Parka lovingly caresses Juvi's foot for some reason. Everybody's pissed at Rey, but Guerrero keeps them at bay for now. "That's it! You're either in, or you're out! Give me your answer!" Mysterio removes the shirt and throws it in his face. "GET 'IM!" Haha, Rey runs away with the fattest of the luchadors in hot pursuit.

Let us take you back to Nitro, where Poochy and Razor Ramon had a stand-off. They'll "wrestle" later.

Physical Phemomenon (w/ Stuff Magazine) v. WOOF WOOF I'M RETARDED

Buff and Scott's personal referee was really kind of awesome. He prances out like Tyson Dux and signals for everyone to walk to the ring with a cartoonish first-down gesture. Now he starts showcasing Big Poppa Pump like one of Barker's Beauties. Punctuated with toots of the whistle. Who the hell was Rick Steiner half of the tag champions with? Buff's mom? Ah, he's not coming out. Good. We cut to the back to find The Giant, Brian Adams, Stevie Ray, and Vincent pummeling Rick. Giant escorts him to the ring while Buff barks. The douchey ref starts counting Rick out. Finger dap for Show before Rick gets killed. Generic beating and whistle tootling. Rick ducks a clothesline and lands some of his own on Scott. Shot for Buff. Shitty punching on Scott. One for the ref, as well. Scott comes back with crotch hits. Punching away. Bagwell chokes Rick on the middle rope. Punch, punch, punch. Steiner Recliner, but SILLY WILLY has hit the ring to spin Scott around. Steiner: "*middle finger* FUCK YOU, MOTHERFUCKER!" You, sir, are no Batista. Scott goes back to beating Rick, but Goldberg turns him around again. Now Bill gets attaxed. Whip, clothesline ducked, hard spear. Here comes the Jewplex, but Bagwell strikes with an awful-ass chairshot. No-sold, at least. The ref jumps on Goldberg's back with a sleeper because that guy is awesome. Chucked down. Gorilla press as the ref wiggles. Thrown from Ring #2 to Ring #1. Goldberg and Steiner hug. Homos. Rick: "Woof." Goldberg: "Woof."

Survey Sez: Fat And Bloated v. I'm The Rappin' Surfer From Gangsta City

Toothpick to the camera. All of the Black and White accompanies Hall, including the previously unseen Scott Norton and Horace Hogan. GRR I HATES THE EXTREMELY CRAPPY WRESTLING LOL wanders on out, as well. I guess Hall punched Bischoff on Nitro for no reason. Eric declares it to be survey time. And then he has the horrible midcarders attack Hall. KEVIN NASH DIED ON THE WAY BACK TO HIS HOME PLANET lopes in to make the save with his exciting offense. "OUTSIDERS" chant as Hall and Nash share a tender glance. Wolfpac dap offered by Hall. But Nash walks away. At least they didn't wrestle.

The announcers blather about Scott Hall's puffy face. Tony: "That was not a face of fear..." Not a Barbarian face. Heenan offers Tony the Wolfpac sign. Schiavone, incredibly disdainfully: "I'm not doin' that to you!" Hahaha.

LET'S LYNCH THOSE SALSA BANDITOS v. Jerichohol Ruined My Life

And that's why Chris Jericho is so shitty and unfunny today. Bobby Duncum Jr. was killed for not knowing what salsa should taste like. Somebody tries to touch Chris Jericho, but Ralphus says "No touch-a the Chris Jericho." Sign: "I WAS AT GOLDBERG'S BRIS". Put that foreskin on eBay!

Why do they wrestle every match in a different ring? This is for whatever the hell title Jericho has. TV, I guess. Jericho poses like a gay. Lockup, Jericho's backed up against the ropes. He turns it around, but Duncum smacks him. GIT 'R DUN-CUM. Let's mosey around forever. Finally a lockup, but Bobby hosses Jericho down. Ralphus provides solace. Back in, lockup, waistlock by Jericho. Duncum reverses, but Jericho takes him down with a drop toehold. Modifed bow-and-arrow by Jericho. Now it becomes an unmodified bow-and-arrow. C'mon, Baby. Lockup, Jericho wrings the arm, but Duncum reverses. Chris flops around, but his reversal is cut short by a clothesline. Jericho ends up on the apron, so Duncum suplexes him back in. Cover for one. Rear facelock. Jericho busts loose with a jawbreaker. Off the ropes, crappy big boot, so Duncum rebounds to show him how they do it in Tejas. Lame tackle, then choking on the ropes. Chop by Duncum. He throws Jericho outside and grabs his bullrope. Then puts it away immediately. Another dumb tackle into the barricade. He whips Jericho over the barricade, then tries to snatch a fan's Jerichoholics Anonymous t-shirt all angrily. What an ass. I'm glad he's dead. Ha, Jericho throws a cup of Sprite or whatever in his face. Heenan: "And who knows what was in that cup!" It could've been a cup of GREEN MIST. Jericho springs off the barricade with a flying clothesline. Now he goes nuts with mounted punching. Is he supposed to be the face here somehow?

Back in, Jericho scales the turnbuckles for a nice missile dropkick. 1, 2, no. Ninja Chokeout with a knee in the back. Ask Him, Ask Him, etc. Duncum stands, so Jericho leaps onto his back. Duncum approaches the turnbuckles and drops down to make it a snake eyes. Scooped up for a shoulderbreaker. 1, 2, no. Jericho's boots say "Model?" "HELP ME!!!" Duncum paintbrushes him. Such a dickhead. There's a Rocker Dropper on the arm. A Fame-Armer. What a shitty move. Hurry up and die. Cross armbreaker applied by Duncum, but Jericho manages to keep his hands clasped. Now he gets his feets on the ropes. Whip reversed, and Jericho pitches his opponent into a hotshot. Springboard missile dropkick knocks Duncum off the apron. Jericho does his goosestep. Now following outside for boots. High-ten for Ralphus! Head to the steel steps. Jericho blows us a kiss. Back in, C'mon, Baby pin gets one. Now a front chancery. Jericho turns it around to a surfboard. Oh, "Role" and "Model" on the boots. Duncum stands, but Jericho strikes with elbows and chops. Jumpy mule kick in the corner. Boot choke. Corner whip, but Duncum emerges from the corner with a clothesline. 1, 2, no. Jericho retaliates with a basement dropkick to the face. This match needs to be over. Chops in the corner, but Duncum's getting all fired up. He turns things around. Corner whip reversed, but Jericho rushes into a boot. Clothesline ducked, and Jericho gets tossed up into a flapjack. Clothesline, 1, 2, no. Corner whip, but Duncum wanders into a kick. Jericho comes off the middle turnbuckle with a sunset flip, but Duncum hauls him up into a Baldo Bomb. Folded up into a pin, 1, 2, no.

Hey, Jericho, win already. He comes back with a jawbreaker and a clothesline. Lionsault, 1, 2, no??? Christ. Off the ropes for a standing senton. Another blown kiss. Jericho's headed up, but Duncum meets him. Superplex. 1, 2, no. Duncum gets a waistlock, but Jericho turns it into a forward roll-up. He lets go and quickly maneuvers around for the Liontamer. No, Duncum powers out with his magical zombie legs. Scoop powerslam and a slingshot elbowdrop in the corner. 1, 2, Jericho kicks out. Please, please end. Here comes a back suplex or something, but Jericho escapes to the apron when Ralphus grabs Duncum's foot and does nothing. HEY DON'T YOU TOUCH RALPHUS, BUDDY!!! While that struggle ensues, Jericho grabs his TV and waffles Duncum from behind. He kind of hit Billy Silverman, too, but I guess he didn't notice. 1, 2, 3. Heenan: "I don't think Jericho can beat him!" Uh, he just did. Do you have the eye cancer, as well? Soon, Duncum will croak, and the nasal complaints of a young The Next Mideon will annoy Boobermonkeys into half-assedly mocking his death.

My Money's On Bobby Eaton!

Battle Royals where everybody starts in the ring are shitty. This isn't even the main event? It's just going to be a horrible orgy of nicknames. Listen to these terrible rules: you can lose by being thrown out of the ring, either over the top or through the ropes. Also by pinfall or submission. Once the field has been narrowed to 20 men, they all have to go into the same ring. Here we go. First, ACHTUNG ACHTUNG ALPHABETICAL ORDER IST GÜD. Next, Who In The Blue Hell Is Bobby Blaze? Followed by The Mark Jindrak of Golf, Barry Darsow in his argyle socks. Then Chavo Makes Me Take A Siesta. And Visit Baskin-Robbins For A Free Scoop Of "Chip Minton". Not to be confused with his evil twin, Bad Minton. The Corpse of "Gentleman" Chris Adams. As seen on The Addams Family. Jesus Christ, Some Liver was wearing the same pants seven years ago. Don't Spit Green Mist In My Eye is Ciclope. Cannot Afford A Mask is Damien. "P" Comes Immediately After "D", Right? You're Welcome! is Perry Saturn. Gimme One Of Them Boats. I've Had Boats Before is Brutus the Booty Disciple. Chain Gang Reprazent! is Disco Inferno in camouflage pants for some reason. Only Benoit And I Still Have Careers is Eddie, followed closely by YOU ARE MAKING ME VERY RANDY!!! The Giant is The #3 Combo. Arby's joke. Great. I'll Have The Steroids Platter, Por Favor is totally ripping off Eddie's "Pat My Rumpus" taunt. Maybe he's indicating that that's where the needle goes. Here comes Hulk Hogan's Retarded Nephew. Long pause for some reason. Oh, those are all the guys in one ring.

The second ring features I WAS GIVEN THE HEART OF A LION IN A BIZARRE MEDICAL PROCEDURE, who staggers out looking like he just vomited all over himself. I Kick Televisions That Displease Me. And UP AND ATOM/UP AND AT THEM. Next, Poor Lamont Worked Hard And Had A Good Attitude is The Cat. Test's Slave is Scott Steiner, followed by The Fastest Man On The Planet, Scott Norton. Another long pause, because TOOT SWEET had to sober up and throw some pants on. Eww, he finds his scummy old toothpick from a couple segments ago on the ground and places it behind his ear. Recycling! Let's Me And You Stick Together, Ciclope is Scotty Riggs, homeless pirate. Who's gonna fly it? RIIIIIGGGGS!!! Don't Let MNM Take Pictures Of My Fat, Ugly Children is Mysterio. JEWS DESERVE A PAT ON THE BACK is Barry Horowitz with the motherfucking Star of David on his panties! No jacket, though. I Don't Think You're Ready For This Alabama Jelly is Bobby Eaton, my pick to click. You can't stop Eaton, as the Big Show knows all too well. Always wearing such ugly pants. FRUIT BOOTY: THAT'S THE NAME OF THE TREASURE ON THE GRAAAAND LINE. Followed by Let's Get 'Em, Barry! Kidman. They'll all be in the center ring. Jew Ring.

The last ring will be graced by Dudes With Juventudes and Psycho Sis, reppin' the LWO. Enjoy My Sloppy Seconds, Edge is Dean Malenko. Accompanied by EDGE ALSO STOLE MY BRIEFCASE THERE WAS A CHIHUAHUA IN THERE OH JESUS BLEACH IN THE EYES. Mongo. Buy Glacier's Armor On EBay is Kaz. THE LEX EXPRESS MUST COME TO A FULL-STOP BECAUSE THERE IS A COW ON THE TRACKS. Fucker. PUT K-DAWG TO SLEEP LOL. I'm getting increasingly shouty. Bobby Duncum Jr. doesn't get another nickname because he crept past the cameras and also he's dead. He must have been sneaking up on Konnan. Hates rap so much. WHO BETTA THAN FUNYUNS enjoys Funyuns. Like onions, but fun. WHERE'S POOCHY??? takes it to the extreme. Push Me! Higher! Whee! is playground aficianado Johnny Swinger. "Golllldberg! I'm next!" Shut the fuck up, Johnny Swinger. Whoops, Killed Myself is Renegade. How Do You Keep A Polack In Suspense, Scott Putski? Next comes Surely This Man Is Too Stocky To OH JESUS LOOK AT HIM JUMPIN' AROUND. Then WV Best Dressed also-rans Sunglasses Glued To Face and Bowtie On Crotch. Tokyo Magnum's penis must be attending a formal event after this. Gay stripper dance. Van Hamburglar was in his hippie phase. Pope Villano V. Vincent is Useless. One Of The Few Surviving West Texas Rednecks is Kendall Windham. Kenny Kaos' partner once told him to Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself. It's the one and only thing I remember about Kenny Kaos. Spanish For "The Parka" is the Best Dressed Wrestler of all time, as you may recall. CAN I INTEREST YOU IN SOME AB-SOLUTION, TYSON TOMKO??? is young Leonard Lane. Lizmark Jr. was A Huge Fan Of Miss Elizabeth. That sucks so much. MIKE ENOS HAHA LIKE "MY PENIS". Next comes Lizmark And Enos Are In Me and Lenny's Man-Train. Lodi's sign: "PUT YOUR $ ON LODI, I MAY WIN!" Hahahaha. I love how he isn't willing to guarantee it. He's just throwing it out there as a possibility. NOR-MAN E-SMILAY WOO. He rules. Prince Hacky Sacky. And Sgt. Buddy Lee Parker, That Weird Midget Puppet Who Sells Jeans. Fittingly brrrringin' up the rrrrear is Malcolm Glacier. "Savin' the best for last, baby!" Whatever lets you sleep at night, Glacier.

Well, that was an hour of my life I'll never get back. I demand Hugh Morrus, god damn it. I'll just do eliminations, because this is going to be a big, disgusting mess. Scott Halls hides behind referee Mickey Jay. Slip him a Mickey. The number of men remaining is displayed in the corner. Sitty. Eddie Guerrero beats up Bobby Blaze because he doesn't know who the fuck he is. Heh, now Benoit takes over for him. EHHH-NORMAN ESSSS-MILEY IS THE FIRST TO GO??? FUCK YOU, POOCHY. Super Calo follows him, because Nash is on the ram-page! So long, Lodi. Awful big boot on Lizmark, then out he goes. Prince Iaukea fell out somehow. Nash eliminates Putski. Tokyo Magnum says "CERTAINLY YOU TWO ARE FAR TOO STOCKY TO ELIMINATE ONE SUCH AS ME OH SHIT" as Parka and Silver King pitch him. La-Teen-O Titans, go! *guitar riff* Lane and Swinger eliminate each other. Tony: "That's Lenny Lane and I believe was that Putski as well?" Yes, Tony. Putski changed pants and snuck back in. Poochy must have eliminated Kaos. Now he gets El Rey de Silver. Heenan: "El Dandy!" Schiavone: "El Dandy at the hands of Kevin Nash!" THAT'S SILVER KING, MOTHERFUCKERS! TELL THEM, TENAY!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!! He doesn't. 45 men left. We stay on Nash's ring because it's the most boring.

Somewhere else, The Giant is doing absolutely nothing, as he's been known to do. Duncum and Jericho eliminate each other in their bitter death-feud. Heenan: "Kevin Nash is drivin' the schoolbus!" THE SHORT BUS MAYBE OH SNAP. Nobody knows what "S.O.L." means because they're retarded. Van Hammer pushes Mike Enos out with a baseball slide. And now he's punished by Nash's lightning-quick offense. I guess they're the last two in that ring. Dumb. Hammer's booted over the top. Tony tells us Chris Adams got eliminated somehow. Hall Last Calls Psicosis over the top. Kidman kicks Kanyon in the balls. Hey, let's watch Poochy stand around! Nothin' else goin' on! Kanyon keeps climbing the ropes and getting crotched like a moron. Now he just says "Fuck it" and tries to powerbomb Kidman off the top rope, which will surely go perfectly well for him. Malenko saves with a shot from behind, then Kidman backdrops Kanyon to the floor. Wrath takes out Hayashi. Stevie Ray and Booker T think about dukin' it out, but they pull one of Maven's "Pshaws" and turn away. Chavo keeps sneaking around on the apron all secretly. Horace and Furface eliminate each other. Idiots. Big Show gently escorts Chavo over the top. But Chavo remains in, so I dunno. Maybe it was somebody else. Everybody in Ring #1 finally gets sick of Show's odor. Benoit and Saturn kick away while Eddie leaps on Show's back and Chavo leaps on EDDIE'S back! Sexy Dancing Men help, too. Heh, Giant pitches the entire Guerrero family off his back and murders everybody. Haha, now Disco's like "WAIT, EVERYONE, MY HEAD CONTAINS THE SMARTS!" I guess Benoit doesn't want to follow his orders, because he attacks him.

Horowitz appears to be missing from Ring #2. Steiner got rid of Juventud, I think. Other people get eliminated in an invisible manner. Rey scoots himself right out of contention with a failed baseball slide on Scott Hall. The final 20 are, uh... Nash, Big Show, Benoit, Guerrero, Saturn, Chavo, Alex Wright, Disco, Norton, Booker T, Luger, Cat, Stevie Ray, Kidman, Konnan, Malenko, Steiner, Mongoloid, Scott Hall, and, uh, Wrath. Saturn and Cat roll their way outside in a brawl. Tony doesn't think they're eliminated but he's wrong because he's always wrong. Chavo eliminates both Wright and himself with a crossbody. Disco's like "ALEX WRIGHT I MISS YOU," so Steiner kicks him. Eddie gets dropkicked out by Kidman, landing on his nephew and a German man. Disco goes flying out somehow. All the eliminated guys are standing around hugging one another, so someone's obviously going to wipe them all out. It's Kidman, gorilla pressed into the pack by The Giant. NASH AND SHOW GO AT IT OH MAN I LOVE TO SEE BIG IMMOBILE GUYS FIGHT. Poochy pries the Vanilla Midgets off of Luger. Lots of boring choking and stuff right now. Tenay thinks Nash has the advantage in terms of "wind." He holds one of those power rings from Captain Planet. Kane possesses Fire, and X-Pac's got Heart. Earth and Water were eaten by dragons. The Outsiderzzzz beat up the Giant. They try to dump him, but Show will have none of it. Luger backdrops Stevie Ray out. Mongo eliminates Norton, then gets dumped by Tha Pooch. Ten remain. Tony points out the three "technical wrestlers" (Benoit, Malenko, Booker) who lasted as long as the large sacks of shit.

But lo! A fat man approaches, and the crowd doth part! It's Bam Bam Bigelow, Male Gigolo from Assberry Park, New Jersey. HE'S AFFILIATED WITH NEITHER WCW OR THE NWO!!! THAT'S CRAZY!!! Bigelow randomly showed up on the last Nitro to yell at Goldberg. All the remaining guys jump Bigelow. Out to confront Bam Bam is Jewish Lawrence Taylor. Security pry them apart as Scott Steiner gets eliminated somehow. Wrath, as well. Booker T's elimination is also missed. Idiots. Malenko and Benoit represent the Horsemen, Itchy, Scratchy, and Poochy represent the fucking Wolfpac, The Giant is all that's left of the NWO, and Scott Hall is A MAN WITHOUT A COUNTRY HEY YO CUBA. Konnan better go next, god damn it. Strategies are discussed. Hall gets sick of Konnan's lip. Good. Everybody else fights Show and fails. Konnan tries this fucking asinine dropkick on Hall and falls right through the ropes. Good. Nash tells everyone to go after The Giant, and WHEN POOCHY SPEAKS YOU DAMN WELL LISTEN. Attax. Giant fends 'em off. Tony: "They won't stop! They won't stop!" C'mon, dude, complete the quote. All five dudes finally push Show's big ass out. Now Benoit and Malenko fight Hall while Luger and Nash laze about. Wolfpac finally moves to eliminate Benoit. Dicks. And Hall chucks Deano. Three-way brawl between the terrible guys who remain. Luger drops Nash with his robot forearm. One for Hall, too. OH DEAR THE TORTURE RACK! PINFALLS AND SUBMISSIONS COUNT IN THIS MATCH ALTHOUGH I BET YOU ONE MILLION DOLLARS THAT IT WON'T COME INTO PLAY. As Luger's lifting Hall, Nash big boots them in Nashy (shitty) fashion and they both fall out. HOORAY!!! DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON THE POOCHPACK, YOU MIGHT WIND UP DYING ON THE WAY BACK TO YOUR HOME PLANET.

Where's that cup-throwing Pistons fan when you need him? So Nash will face Goldberg at Starrrrrrcade in that fucking horrible "Hall with the cattle prod" match. Dap from Luger. Gays. Tony thinks Nash "put together a flawless bit of strategy to win this event!" And that strategy was "Be Tall/Be The Booker." Two-pronged.

BRET "THE SCUMMAN" SCUM v. Diamonds Are Forever-Jobbing To Undertaker's Wife

Hey, I really, really don't want to watch this now. At least there's an outside chance that this is where Buffer says "Clark." I am unprepared to rumble. Shit, Buffer got it right. Now I have nothing left to look forward to. Somebody was violently shaking one of those DDP brawlin' buddies or whatever and I briefly thought it was a baby. OW! YOU'RE BREAKIN' MY... BABY!

Bret's chillin' like a villain on the outside when Page surprises him with a pescado, sorta. Whipped into the barricade a couple times is Clark. Now the steel steps. This is for Orlando Jordan's U.S. Title. Back in, where shots are traded. DDP drops Bret with jabs. Thrown outside, head to the apron, head to the barricade. Bret keeps falling out of the ring until he manages to hotshot DDP on the top rope. Headbutt by Hart. Choke in the corner. DDT. Tenay: "DDT ON DDP!" At the DMV. 1, 2, no. Eye rake. Trying a suplex, but Page blocks to get a small package. 1, 2, no. Bret strikes back with punches and elbows and shit. Leg chokey on the middle rope. Snapmare, Ninja Chokeout. Page stands to elbow free. Off the ropes, shoulderblock by DDP. Off the ropes again, Page hops over, hiptosses blocked, kneelift and swinging neckbreaker by DDP. 1, 2, no. Diamond Cutter attempt, but Bret scoots out of the ring.

Page slides outside in pursuit, but Clark rakes the eyes again. Head to the steps. Inside again for an inverted atomic drop and clothesline. Boot choke. Russian legsweep, 1, 2, no. Trying a gutwrench into a tombstone piledriver, but Page reverses and hits it. Slow to cover, 1, 2, no. Short-arm clothesline ducked by Bret, who punches and rakes the eyes. Backbreaker on the knee. Legdrop, 1, 2, no. Headbutt to the midsection. The Alaberta Crunch. Forearms in the corner. Corner whip reversed, belly-to-belly suplex by Page. 1, 2, no. Fisticuffs, discus clothesline. Pancake out of the piledriver position. 1, 2, no. Clothesline ducked, and Hart delivers a Cactus Clothesline to the floor. Bret enters the ring and pulls some shit out of his pants, but here comes DDP with a springboard shoulderblock. 1, 2, no. Charles Robinson finds Bret's International Object and becomes incredibly, incredibly confused. How did that get there, Diminutive Naitch??? Shrug!!!!!

Whip reversed by DDP, but Hart counters his backdrop attempt with a sunset flip. Page rolls through and applies the Sharpshooter because he's dumb. Man, that's even worse than Benoit's or The Rock's. Bret gets the bottom rope. Corner punchings. Page puts the badmouth on Bret, likely telling him that he doesn't know what he's talking about and is too far in the forest to see the trees. So Hart kicks him in the DDPenis. Stomp to the ribs. Wrenching a knee on the bottom rope. Snapping the knee. Smashed into the ringpost. Here comes the Figure Four around the post. Robinson forces a break after one hundred years. Back in for an elbowdrop to the leg. Driving the weight down on it. Figure Four in the middle of the ring. Bret grabs the ropes for leverage. Then he lets go of the hold like a dummy. Stuff happens. Knees get twisted upon the middle rope. Tony thinks DDP is a hero to "many college students and high school students." He teaches today's youth the power of positivity. Another knee snap. Trying to bring the weight down again, but Page boots him over the top rope. Outside for DDP's whip into the steps. Bret gets his own knee hung up on the barricade. This time it's Page who applies the ringpost Figure Four. He lets go and grabs a chair. Trying a whack, but Robinson grabs it. Bret shoves Page into both the ref and the chair. Heh, Hart starts rifling through Charles' pocketses to get his foreign object back. Meanwhile, the delightful NWO referee has returned for some reason to grab the chair from DDP. Page shoves him down before getting drilled by Hart's loaded right. Sharpshooter. The referee quickly signals for the bell and spazzes out. They actually ring it, so whatever. Tony: "That's as lame as it can go!" Now fat old Mickey Jay crawls into the ring and says no dice. Hart argues as Page is up from behind... Diamond Cutter! Robinson returns to life and counts three. Snuh. Page wades through the crowd and fags it up at the Internet Location. With Lee Marshall and Mark Madden. Never has there been a more horrible pair of jerks.

Final Thoughts: Only one good match, and Juvi/Kidman encounters were a dime a dozen in the late nineties. Always duking it out on street corners and in bus stops, those two. I'm not proofreading this shit beyond spell-check, so see if you can find a hilarious typo with which to blackmail me.