Aired November 12, 2001
Rebeaker: TNM
Yeah, I'm just using the same Sunday Night Heat format. I am quite unoriginal, THX. I'm only rebeaking this because SOfa said somebody should and, of the Weekly Visitor staff, I obviously lead the most pathetic life. Haha, look at how I pretended like we're a real "staff", as if we're going to take on The Smarks' "staff" in the annual softball game or something. PLZ.
Although, if we do form a team, I get to play 1st base like I did in T-Ball. T-BALL, BITCHEZ. 1st base is traditionally where the fat, immobile players go. I also must warn everyone that I cannot perform well unless I am listening to "Big Papa", as documented in the movie "Hardball". Hey, if we play The Smarks' staff, Super Shane Spear will be on both teams. WHERE DO YOUR LOYALTIES LIE, SON???
My little league team was sponsored by, and subsequently named, the "Men's Club". In retrospect, that's pretty creepy. Okay, I'll stop now.
This a special WWF edition of The Weakest Link, with 8 superstars competing for up to 1 million dollars for the charity of their choice. Here is my beakdown of the participants:
William Regal
Height: 6'2"? Who cares
Weight: Chubby
From: Across tha pond
Charity: American Red Cross/Firefighters' Association of New York
Telling Information: British. British people are smarter than us.
Triple H
Height: 6'4"
Weight: 260 or something
From: France
Charity: American Breast Cancer Research (HE LIEKS TEH BOOBIES!!!)
Telling Information: "The Smartest Man in Wrestling". He will obviously "hold down" the other competitors until he wins.
Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley
Height: *breast joke*
Weight: *breast joke*
From: Greenwich, England. That IS the city that the Prime Meridian cuts through, right? It is even CALLED the Prime Meridian? God, I have lost all my smartz. I'll have you know that I was once the valedictorian of my junior high, fuckers. VALEDICTORIAN! JUNIOR HIGH! IN THA HALL!
Charity: American Red Cross
Telling Information: Absorbs knowledge from her victims by having sex with them.
Lita
Height: 5'10"? 6'0"? Why did I bother with this stat?
Weight: 175 pound body, 400 pound tattoo
From: NORF CAROLINA, C'MON AN' RAISE UP. Or so she says. I don't think that's legit.
Charity: National Humane Society
Telling Information: Her god-awful tattoo possesses ancient Aztec wisdom.
Kurt Angle
Height: 6'3"
Weight: 240
From: Amamrica
Charity: The Make A Wish Foundation
Telling Information: As an American, I can attest to the fact that we're all fucking stupid.
Trish Stratus
Height: See Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley
Weight: See Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley
From: The Yukon
Charity: "The Sick Children's Hospital"? Is that what she said? As opposed to "The Perfectly Healthy Children's Hospital", Trish?
Telling Information: Stupid.
Booker T
Height: 6'6"
Weight: 275
From: Houston, y'all. Or Harlem, depending on your level of KAYFABE.
Charity: American Red Cross. DAYOM, the Red Cross gon' get PAID! BLING BLING. Wasn't there some recent scandal where they were embezzling donations?
Telling Information: Mispronounces "ask". From Texas. He has no chance.
The Big Show
Height: Fat
Weight: Fat
From: Someplace fat. Green Bay, maybe.
Charity: American Humane Society
Telling Information: "Big All Over", so I guess that includes his brain.
That sure was a lot of work for very little funny. Let's get on with it. The host of The Weakest Link, as always, is San Antonio Spurs' center David Robinson. The superstars introduce themselves from behind their effeminate little podiums. Triple H and Show plug Angle's shirt and book, making fun of him for being a shill, or something. Stephanie whores Survivor Series. The game is played by asking a chain of trivia questions, each one increasing in value. When one is answered incorrectly, all money from the chain is lost. A contestant can "bank" to preserve the money, which resets the value of questions at $1000.
Round One: Being a fancyboy, Regal correctly answers a question on "brunch". Helmsley thinks Michael J. Fox was the Spin City star in the film Major League, but it was Charlie Sheen OFF COARSE. Stephanie is unfamiliar with Ben-Gay's slogan. Lita knows that "Light My Fire" was a Doors' hit. Kurt knows that Maine is bordered by the Atlantic Ocean. Trish gets a plastic surgery question? Apropos. She's correct in saying that RHYNOplasty reconstructs the nose. Booker T banks $5000, but thinks the catchphrase from the TV show "Alice" was "kiss my... butt" rather than "grits". RACIST questioning. Show knows that the U.N. has its headquarters in NYC. Show knows baseball. Show knows football.
I suck. Here comes the second run-through. Regal knows that 0 women walked on the moon. HHH answers a question about the cooking spray PAM. Stephanie banks another $5000, then gets asked the postal abbreviation for Oklahoma. Stephanie: "..." Jim Ross: "*explode*" She needs the question repeated, but finally does say OK. Lita knows what a scratch is in billiards. Angle banks $2500 and identifies Mickey Mouse's girlfriend as Minnie. Trish knows what a baseball umpire does. Booker banks another $2500. "What October federal holiday celebrates the discovery of America?" Booker is hella stumped. He needs it repeated, eats up about 20 seconds, and incorrectly answers Thanksgiving. Oy. The audience laughs at him. It was Columbus Day, for all you Texans. Show thinks "a horse is a horse, of course, of course" was from Captain Kangaroo. The audience again laughs at his stupidity. Regal correctly guesses that 500 companies make up some stock index. Triple H quickly banks $1000 and is asked a question about a Scottish dish made with sheep organs. HAGGIS! SAY HAGGIS! He doesn't. Time's up, and they pulled in $16,000 total.
Anne Robinson: "Who thinks WWF stands for Without Wisdom Forever?" Hurr, hurr. This rebeak is going to be about 1,000 pages long, isn't it? Regal was statistically the strongest link and Booker was the weakest. However, everyone but HHH votes off The Big Show. Angle explains that Show missed the Mr. Ed question. Show: "It was 50 years ago!" Steph and Robinson converse, notable only for Anne asking "Who's your daddy?" "Why haven't you got big muscles?" "I've got two big ones right here!" *BREAST JOKE*!!!!! Anne's dissing Booker. "How was your October Thanksgiving?" Hahaha. Anyway, The Big Show is gone. He stands beside Anne and attempts to menace her. The crowd laughs because OH HO HO HE IS QUITE LARGE AND SHE IS QUITE SMALL! WE HAVE A GENTLEMAN CALLER, AND HIS NAME IS HILARITY! YOU ARE THE FATTEST LINK GOODBYE
Commercials. NBC commercials are boring. Oh my lord, Chyna is going to be on "Celebrity Fear Factor". Welcome to TEH BIG LEAGUES, Joanie.
Round Two: Regal knows that "inc." is "incorporated". HHH guesses correctly about Milkbone dog biscuits. Steph banks the $2500. She also thinks the FAST FOOD COMPANY that used the slogan "You deserve a break today" was "kit-kat". Snicker. Lita misses one about "The Exorcist". Angle knows what the fifth letter of the alphabet is. I shit you not. In TRISHLAND, the capital of Japan is Hong Kong. In BOOKERTOWN, the French word for "again" shouted at the end of a concert is "oui oui".
Back to Regal, and he knows about Davy Jones' Locker. Arr. Triple H knows that Notre Dame are the Fighting Irish. Stephanie again banks $2500 and correctly answers one about Miss Muffet. "What professional wrestler played the role of Thunderlips in Rocky III?" Jesus. Lita knows that it was Hogan. MEANWHILE, Angle banks $2500 and knows what 30 divided by 2 is. I still shit you not. Trish correctly says "news". Her question was retarded, and I dare not repeat it. Booker banks $2500 and knows that cobras and moccasins are snakes. Regal is not familiar with J.C. Penney. Time's up. $10,000 total.
Trish is statistically worst, while Kurt is best. WAY TO KNOW YOUR ABC'S AND BASIC MATH, KURT! Booker T ends up getting voted off. RACISM. Helmsley pretends like he's really married to Stephanie. Trish voted Booker off because his shaky hand is distracting her. Haha. Anne makes fun of Booker's oui oui. YOU ARE THE BLACKEST LINK AU REVOIR
Commercials. You can buy WWF merchandise on amazon.com/NBC. The Kane figure they display is holding a satanic duffel bag or something.
Round Three: Angle doesn't know the northernmost island of the Florida Keys. Trish gets "slalom" right. Regal answers one about the movie "Gladiator". HHH is given a choice of two authors and chokes on the 50/50. Stephanie knows that charcoal is comprised primarily of carbon. Lita answers one about Pigpen from "Peanuts".
Angle banks $2500 and misses some stupid question about Ford Explorers and Eddie Bauer or something. He took forever before he gave up on it. The answer is Raisinettes, but Trish says something I can't understand. "Glossettes"? Is that some Canada thing? Regal is aware of gutters in bowling. HHH gets one about Michael Landon, and Steph banks $2500. She answers one about spaniels. Lita thinks the name shared by the 41st and 43rd presidents is James. Yikes. Heh, Kurt knows a question about "Weekend at Bernie's". Trish knows Washington is on the $1 bill, Regal knows that some cigars come from Cuba. $5000 is the total for the round. HHH could have banked $5000 more, but he lets time expire.
Kurt is the weakest link, and Regal is strongest. Angle narrowly gets voted off. Stephanie and Anne have a BATTLE OF WITS. Anne brings up George Bush to Lita, and she horribly embarrasses herself by thinking he is on the $1 bill.
Round Four: Regal thinks the "Seward's Folly" state purchased in 1867 was Mexico, but it was ALASKER, William. Alasker. HHH thinks the head of the Supreme Court is the "Supreme Justice". You dumbfucks. Stephanie thinks the "reality TV show featuring bizarre people" hosted by Dean Cain is Survivor. HAHAHAHAHA. Lita knows that Adam and Eve covered THEY NAKEDNESS with fig leaves. CANADIAN Trish answers a French word question about roulette. Cheatery.
The Flintstones' pet dinosaur was Dino, and Regal knows the score. HHH banks $5000 and answers one about Dizzy Gillespie. Stephanie knows that there are 3 feet in a yard. Lita knows what sushi is. Trish CANNOT finish the Richard Nixon quote of "I am not a BLANK". Christ. "I'm from Canada, I don't know." Oh, that's what they all say.
Regal guesses one about Butterball turkeys. Triple H knows that VH-1 airs pop-up video. Steph banks $2500. She knows that latitude lines run east/west. That's like the only thing I remember from elementary school. LATITUDE = FATITUDE. Time's up, and $8,500 was banked. Robinson: "WHO'S GONE STONE COLD?" HHH was the strongest and Trish was the weakest. Voting after this.
Commercials. More shit about Rachel's baby.
We're back, and Trish is unanimously voted off. The history between Trish and Vince and Trish and HHH is brought up. Trish says "dominant female" in her losar interview. Ugh.
Round Five: HHH misses one about Carnival cruises. Steph answers a ROBOCOP question. Lita knows the name for the spine of a book. Regal fucks up a Q-Tip question. Triple H is correct about H&R Block. "In sports, which team won the championship in the first season of the XFL?" Steph: "Won the... I'm sorry, won the which?" HAHAHAHAHAHA. She finally does identify the L.A. X-Treme. Shoot. Lita misses a baritone question. Regal knows that the symbol on the Flash's chest is a lightning bolt. Triple H knows of the Great Wall of China. Stephanie knows the square root of 4. Lita CANNOT name the Canadian rock group Loverboy. Chris Jericho would have gotten that, and so would Lenny Lane. Regal thinks nude photos of Vanessa Williams were in Playboy, but it was apparently Penthouse. She's the one married to Rick Fox, right? Oh, I hate them both. Helmsley knows that Michigan is the largest city in Detroit. ZERO was banked.
Stephanie is strongest, Lita is weakest. And Lita gets ICED.
Round Six: Steph answers "soap" correctly to a "Fight Club" question. Regal says Klondike when he should have said Eskimo Pie. HHH thinks the Bulls won the most NBA championships, but that JUST ISN'T TRUE. Stephanie knows that the Hershey company makes Kit-Kat bars. What is it with her and Kit-Kats? Regal doesn't know that Greek is the oldest European alphabet still in use. Triple H identifies Earth Day properly. Steph gets one about Life Savers. A teepee is called a wigwam in REGALVILLE. HHH says "Monsters of Metal", but it was "Monsters of Rock". Three wheels on a tricycle, says Stephanie. Regal knows that DeNiro and Walken played Russian roulette in "Deerhunter". HHH misses a question about French chateaus. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, JEAN-PAUL??? Steph thinks the flower with the "memory encouraging name" is a daffodil. Regal tries to bank, but they ain't got no money. Zero for the round again.
Stephanie is strongest, while Regal is weakest. Voting coming up.
Commercials. Pass.
Regal votes for "Triple Haitch", and the crowd laughs. Regardless, William is voted off. Stephanie and HHH are your finalists. IT'S ALL ABOUT POLITICS.
Round Seven: They've got $39,500 so far, and money banked in this round is doubled. Stephanie knows that Cindy Williams played Shirley. HHH gets one about Amtrak, and Stephanie banks $2500. She doesn't know what pasta dish is the favorite of Garfield the cat. Triple H answers his WAYANS BROTHER question, and Steph banks his $1000. She correctly guesses that Prime Minister Tony Blair is a member of the Labor party. Triple H misses one about cereal, and Steph misses one about "It's a Wonderful Life."
Now Helmsley misses a question about grapes, and Stephanie misses a question about Joe Jackson. Triple H knows that Jax, Kitana, and Sub-Zero are from Mortal Kombat. Werd up, Jean-Paul. Stephanie banks his $1000 for a total of $4500, doubled to $9000. Time's up. They're playing for a grand total of $48,500.
Commercials. Coolio is a part of that celebrity Fear Factor. They put his head in a box full of mealworms. Heh.
Final Round: Best of 5 questions, whoever gets the most wins. HHH wants Stephanie to go first. She knows that the last planet alphabetically is Venus. HHH knows that the total dots on a single die add up to 21. Steph knows that the third little piggie from the nursery rhyme ate roast beef. Huh. HHH knows that three related literary works are called a trilogy. Stephanie CHOAKS on the Ronald Regan question. Likewise, Helmsley misses his question about "A Current Affair". Stephanie thinks the halfway point of a calender year occurs during June, but it's July. Triple H correctly guesses NATO. Stephanie needs to answer correctly to stay in the game... and she misses a question about "77-year old publishing giant Simon & Schuster". Triple H is YOUR Weakest Link champion. GLASS CEILING GLASS CEILING. THE BREASTS OF AMERICA THANK YOU, JEAN-PAUL LEVESQUE
Closing losar interviews. HHH still pretends like they're seriously married and says he'll have "bragging rights all around the house". ARE they seriously married? Steph: "Well, my husband and I enjoy HEALTHY competition, as well as healthy other things... and, uh, if I decide to punish him, that'll be our business." ARGH, SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP
Final Thoughts: Why did I spend two and a half hours on this damn thing? Lord.